being upfront about needs

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

being upfront about needs

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> being upfront about needs

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 4:38:56 PM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

Im stuck and don't know how to approach the subject further with the dominant i am seeing. I have basically asked him what his expectations and needs are from me. I need to know what rules and or expectations i am to follow. He isn't understanding that me being deeply submissive i thrive on knowing what pleases him and need to live by rules he sets... any suggestions or do i just let it all work itself out?

Post #: 1

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 5:01:27 PM

MasculineDom

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/25/2005
Status: offline

I think if you'd asked him the way you state it above, he'd have been able to answer.

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 2

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 5:06:35 PM

arson982

Posts: 69
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

I know what you are talking about. I am new at this to and my Mistress wanted to know what I wanted but the more I talk with her and starting to know how to ask questions I was able to ask her what she want and she said that she was going to give me a list. I know one thing that makes her happy and that is me wearing panties and being shaved

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 3

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 6:24:19 PM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I thought i did Sir.... smiles shyly..im embarassed

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasculineDom

I think if you'd asked him the way you state it above, he'd have been able to answer.

(in reply to MasculineDom)

Post #: 4

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 6:31:44 PM

liltxsubby

Posts: 328
Joined: 11/18/2004
From: TX
Status: offline

I tried the "it'll work itself out eventually" approach. It didn't work. I prented I was hapy with the way things were going, they kept on going the same way, I became a terrible brat (yes I know impossible to believe, right? haha) and Fangs got REALLY mad.

So, we sat down and had a long talk. I told him I need rules and expectations. I told him I need him to follow through if the rules are broken are the expectations are not met. If he doesn't follow through, I feel like I can walk all over him and that is NOT good. I thrive on the control I have given him, and if he chooses to ignore that he has it, I end up being a brat.

He wrote some things down. This helped a lot. Now we understand each other. I know he cares enough to take the time to make sure I understand. I know that sounds goofy but, well, that's me.

Talk to your dom. Ask him to write some things down, explain to him why you need these things.

_____________________________

I'm Japan and Godzilla has taken over.

Laugh with them, or let them laugh at you.

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 5

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 8:24:07 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

No, it won't just magically be all happy.

This is part of getting to know eachother- is his managerial style going to work for your submissive style? Some doms love giving orders, some hate it. If you're the type of sub who needs rituals and loves that obedience kick...then you shouldn't be with a dom who is extremely delegatory and hands-off.

Not to mention if you can't communicate on these basic issues, you have no hope for the really complicated ones.

So work on it, together.

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 6

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/14/2005 8:39:15 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Talk and talk and talk and talk.

Try different language. Try examples.

I had the -same- problem with my partner. He didn't understand that a lot of the pleasure for me came from having clear rules to follow and clear expectations and consequences. I was in a very similar situation as LilTxs.

It didnt' get better on its own, and it didn't get better in one conversation. It took many many tries, and a bunch of different ways of saying it.

I think the biggest thing I learn is to not be afraid to say things different ways. Sometimes two people think they're communicating, butthey're speaking two different languages. Define your terms and talk explicitly. For me, it was embaressing to say "I need to you to make me regret it when I break rules" but I had to clearly say it so he'd understand.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 2:41:11 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

You and liltx hit the nail right on the head. We communicate but neither one is talking in the same tongue it seems. Hopefully he can see i thrive on set rules and following them. I do actually get a tad (smiles) out of control without them.
thankyou for all your suggestions
jennifer

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

Talk and talk and talk and talk.

Try different language. Try examples.

I had the -same- problem with my partner. He didn't understand that a lot of the pleasure for me came from having clear rules to follow and clear expectations and consequences. I was in a very similar situation as LilTxs.

It didnt' get better on its own, and it didn't get better in one conversation. It took many many tries, and a bunch of different ways of saying it.

I think the biggest thing I learn is to not be afraid to say things different ways. Sometimes two people think they're communicating, butthey're speaking two different languages. Define your terms and talk explicitly. For me, it was embaressing to say "I need to you to make me regret it when I break rules" but I had to clearly say it so he'd understand.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 8

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 3:43:27 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

maybe he just doesn't know how to train/mold a slave? thats why he doesn't understand...
it never just all works itself out.....surely he must have rules. if he doesn't sure enough ,you'll find them out when you do something wrong.
sounds like the beginning of being set up to fail to me

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 9

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 5:59:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

You and liltx hit the nail right on the head. We communicate but neither one is talking in the same tongue it seems. Hopefully he can see i thrive on set rules and following them. I do actually get a tad (smiles) out of control without them.
thankyou for all your suggestions
jennifer

Or maybe you can see that you can submit and train yourself to act more independently?

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 10

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 10:28:01 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

You and liltx hit the nail right on the head. We communicate but neither one is talking in the same tongue it seems. Hopefully he can see i thrive on set rules and following them. I do actually get a tad (smiles) out of control without them.
thankyou for all your suggestions
jennifer

Or maybe you can see that you can submit and train yourself to act more independently?

I dunno. There's acting independantly and there's acting with no dirrection or consequence.

I have no problem doing what needs to be done without micromanagment. I admit, though, that it isn't rewarding for me simply to fufill the duties that need to get fnished without the "fun" bits, which are for me the feeling of control and time to time assertation of that control in ways that aren't "convientent."

That is, for quite some time I was doing what he asked or what he didn't ask, taking care of the house, meals, sexual service, etc in an attempt to serve him without inconvienceing him at all. It was...well...for a while I was able to enjoy the simple act of being useful, but I realized that I'm not that selfless. I can dirrect myself, but without occational commands or rules that I am expected to follow, I felt like a hired hand instead of someone who belongs to him.

I still don't need dirrection when it comes to making sure the kitties get fed or dinner gets made, but spesific rules toward my behavior, especially ones that I have to think about to remember to do are one of the things that make me feell good, and different from someone who likes to take care of her man/woman.

I think this is a fairly poor articulation of what I"m trying to say. Ah well.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 10:35:54 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
I think this is a fairly poor articulation of what I"m trying to say. Ah well.

It wasn't and it doesn't really matter. Being a control/service oriented slave I completely understand.

And it doesn't matter HOW they eventually work it out, what matters is that they DO. That they come together, communicate (which means understanding) and reach a dynamic that is fulfilling for them both. Or, realize their styles just are not compatible.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 12

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 10:47:35 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Try to explain that for you to serve him most efficiently, and for you to manage your part of the relationship and lessen bumps in the road you need to clearly know what is needed of you. Good Luck.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 10:49:33 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

time?

okay.......how about.........just sit and talk?
i have yet to meet one true mindreader so if ya dont tell no one is gonna know...

c o m m u n i c a t i o n

take care

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 14

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 12:04:26 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I believe it is critical that the Dominant understand and be as in tune to the subs needs as subs are to the D's---it isn't all about Us, it is about managing and growing the dynamic of U/us---rules, guidelines and frameworks need to be established and reevaluated as the relationship develops and grows---submissives need something to work toward--to feel complete and happy--without, they are at sea and I would think the Dominant woiuld feel incomplete as well--it is important to drive open the communication--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 15

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 1:29:25 PM

windy135

Posts: 437
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

I've asked this question and once have gotten a reply of "do what I say" I though huh! Decided he just wasn't for me.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 16

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 2:50:07 PM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Would not that be nifty, a Dom mindreader, i would definitly like to meet him, he can play whit me anytime. :D

(in reply to windy135)

Post #: 17

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 2:57:20 PM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

he is exactly what i need we just need to tweak things a bit.

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 18

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 3:08:34 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Trying to think how to express this...

One of the things i learned over time was i had a concept of what i thought it was to be a slave, i suppose it was a reflection of what i thought i needed. So my idea of being a slave was based on my needs and wants.

Over time I have also realised that men and woman think differently. Men are very simplistic in their thoughts, women are complex. Men just see things how they are and are willing to deal with things as they come, woman want to know motivations and whats underneath a lot etc etc etc. This can make woman think men arent on the same boat as us, which (shocked look) ..they arent. (i dont really want to argue this point, and i know a lot is missing from this..but ive tried to just condense the fact that woman and men think differently). This is going to play out within a Master/slave relationship.

So based on these two facts, 1. I had a concept of slavery based on what i thought i needed and wanted..and 2. Men and women think differently....i came to some conclusions.

I asked myself "What was really motivating me to be a slave?'
Was it so the *Master* could accomodate my needs? or what is that i truely loved to be of service and be found pleasing and to surrender to my partner? Which i realise are needs to, but more intrinsic with my nature rather than the superficial ones like, "Damn i feel like an icream now".." or damn i wish he would flog me tonight the way i want it.".."Damn i wish he would outline exactly what he wants from me".

The fact is, he does and did. He outlines it every single day for me. Its just not formulated. There are few formal meetings between us. He tells me what he wants of me everyday, through his actions, his expressions, our conversations, his general comments. He has taken me as his slave, he *expects* me to submit to him. He is just doing it in a very male way, without all the hoohaa of how a female expresses.

This is something i have been realising myself lately...His style. As i let go of my concepts of what i think He needs to do and just submit to the relationship and to his style im glimpsing this most amazing level of slavery, perhaps deeper than i have ever felt it.

Btw,,, this doesnt mean i do not express my needs and wants..i am totally freely open with Master... and it doesnt mean Master doesnt take things into consideration...thats not the point of what im saying tho.

Anyways..perhaps a different view than what others have submitted....hope i expressed it ok.

(in reply to windy135)

Post #: 19

RE: being upfront about needs - 12/15/2005 5:01:51 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Men are very simplistic in their thoughts, women are complex.

Oo, I will have to disagree with that. I do agree with you that people communicate differently, and that is an important thing to consider.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> being upfront about needs

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.086