mistoferin
Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
|
Before I met Sir just over a year ago now, I had the opportunity to spend a couple of years as a single submissive, open to dating. Having spent my entire adult life in committed relationships it was a welcome change. It was also very enlightening. I had not considered what was happening out there on the “singles scene” in a very long time. I was pretty amazed and unbelievably frustrated by what I encountered there. I really hadn’t been single in about 25 years and it seemed so much had changed. I felt kind of like Rip Van Winkle and it seemed that while I had been “asleep” this strange new “instant” world had happened. I was way behind the times and didn’t understand the concepts of “instant” gratification, “instant” submission, “instant” relationships and commitments, “instant” collars.
Well, I just wasn’t in that much of a hurry. I didn’t really have much need or use in my life for “instant”. Besides, being the old broad that I am I had some archaic clichés that I had learned to apply to my life…and old habits die hard, especially old habits that had served me well. Things like “only fools rush in” and “haste makes waste”. So I basically did what I’ve always done…I took my time. I knew that if I waited long enough that an old dinosaur like myself would come along….one who had no more use for “instant” than I. I was enjoying being by myself, learning about myself…so I didn’t feel rushed. Sure enough, right about the moment that I started to feel like maybe I’d been wrong…maybe no one really would happen along…he showed up out of the blue…and made the wait worthwhile.
While I was waiting though, I had the opportunity to take a good, long look at the menu. I had lots of opportunity to sample what was available. I chatted, emailed, spoke to and dated a variety of men who had affixed themselves with the “Dominant” label. Sadly, the vast majority of them fell far short of living up to such a title. So today I wanted to offer some food for thought. I would like for those who are single dominants to read my words and see them as an opportunity to really take a look at themselves and do an inventory. It is my most sincere hope that they do not read my words and see them as a personal attack. So, with that said I’d like to offer up some suggestions on putting your best foot forward and projecting the image that you want us to see…..and not the one that we often do see.
What is it about you that says “I am a dominant man”? Is it that you can maneuver your way around all of the cool bdsm personals sites? Is it that you can “talk the talk”? You can make some intelligent posts on a forum….or hold a good conversation? Is it the size of your toy box or how varied your collection is? Your skill level at wielding those toys? Is it how active you are in your community? The number of munches or parties you attend? The number of play partners or subs you’ve had?
Well, I guess that some of those things are plusses….but they are certainly not what defines a man as dominant to me. If someone is looking for a play partner the only qualifications you may need are “have toys, will travel”. However, if it is a committed relationship or life partner that you are searching for I doubt that in itself will cut it.
What amazed me most was the countless number of men who professed to be dominant…but in reality weren’t even in the ballpark. I honestly don’t think that many of them knew it themselves though. I think that they had this picture in their heads of what a dominant is…and it revolved around ball gags and floggers or worse….ordering women around. Heck, I don’t think some of them even LIKED women much and just really wanted a readily available orifice that would also cook and clean and not protest. Some judged their dominance by how well they could control another…not by who they actually were. Most weren’t dominant at all, merely trying to cram themselves into a role that just didn’t fit.
The mistake that I saw them making most frequently was that they had little understanding of what makes a dominant man…..and even less understanding of themselves. It is not about floggers and spankings. It is not about how well or how loud you can bark orders. It is not about your ability to think up predicaments or protocols. It’s not even about being able to keep another human being in a position of subservience. All of those things are pretty meaningless…..unless they are in the possession of a dominant man to begin with.
So, what does make a dominant man? A dominant man is a man of character…a man of integrity. A dominant man is a man who stands strong on morals and principles...his own. A man who doesn’t compromise himself…and yet understands the importance of compromise and flexibility…and he understands the difference between the two. He is not a flawless deity worthy of some pedestal. He has faults and makes mistakes. He understands his faults….accepts what he must and changes what he can. He takes the lessons found in his mistakes and applies them to his future. Dominance is the entire picture…the picture of who he is…and how he lives his life.
Does he have to be rich? No, certainly not. But he does have to be capable of an income at least great enough to support his own needs. We live in rough times today and I believe that it would be foolish for anyone to expect that their wealth is secure. Things happen that we don’t expect. Injuries, illness, unemployment, financial loss…they can happen to anyone. We can not judge by the immediate situation we find ourselves in. However, when you look at the entire financial picture of the dominant man, you should find overall stability. A crisis does not define, it is how crisis is dealt with that does. So if you are broke because of the stock market crash and you are calculating your next plan of action on how to turn it around you should not feel as though such a circumstance detracts from your dominance. If, on the other hand, you are broke because you are chronically unemployed and don’t have the sense or motivation to get your butt off the couch or pull yourself away from Worlds of Warcraft and make it happen…..well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that is not an indicator of dominance. If your current bad situation is everyone’s fault but yours…how do you expect to dominate another if you can’t even dominate yourself?
Does he have to be stylish? Only wearing the latest fashions? The most expensive suits? No. But his clothes do have to be in decent shape….and they have to be CLEAN. He should be capable of dressing in a manner appropriate to the situation. A greasy old t-shirt and holy jeans are fine….if you are working on your car or bike. They are not fine to go to dinner in unless it’s the drive through at Mickey D’s….and hopefully you are not taking your date there. It really was shocking to me that a man would ask me on a date….I would spend time getting my make up and hair right, my clothes right….and my date would show up looking like he just crawled out from under a Ford truck.
And while we are on the subject of clean….take a shower guys. THAT DAY. WITH SOAP!!! Whether it be a date, a munch, an event or a play party. Even if the date you have planned is riding a horse or hiking in the woods. I can not believe how many men don’t understand the importance of this. There is absolutely no reason that I can think of that should stop you from taking a shower EVERY DAY. Not doing so is disgusting. If you can’t manage to do that I can tell you that women do NOT want you to kiss them, they do NOT want you to touch them, they do NOT want you to play with them, they really DON’T want you to have sex with them, they do NOT want to be in the same room with you…let alone the same car. I don’t care how much cologne you drown yourself in….it doesn’t replace good hygiene. Don’t forget your teeth either….PLEASE. Seriously guys….poor hygiene makes a terrible impression on a woman. Maybe you don’t notice it…but trust me, she DOES.
Another area that guys should really try to pay attention to is manners. Just simple manners. I had a guy take me on a date once who might have been a wonderful man. I couldn’t tell you for sure because I was sooooo turned off by his table manners that I just literally shut down. Rugged is a good quality in a man….Neanderthal isn’t.
A lot of these things are not the “usual” thing that get brought up when we are talking about dominant men on a BDSM site. They aren’t indicators of how well they will be able to take control of or dominate another. But in my opinion, they are indicators of how well they can take control of and dominate themselves. If they can not first do that then I don’t understand why they would even have the audacity to put themselves on the market under the label of dominant and expect someone to defer any measure of control into their hands. If you want to be taken seriously…..you should seriously take a good hard look at the image you are presenting.
I really could go on but my purpose in writing this is to get folks to take a look at themselves. As I said….no one needs to be perfect. But I do believe that there are some things that are implied and assumed when you attach that “dominant” label to yourself. Being in control of yourself and your life should certainly be the starting point. Beyond these basics one should start to look at things like emotional control, honesty, how they deal with crisis, communication. ALL of those things should be given priority at a higher level than how kinky you are, how horny you are, how many toys you have or how well you can use them. Just saying…..
_____________________________
Peace and light,
~erin~
There are no victims here...only volunteers.
When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.
"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
|
What foot are you putting forward? - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread