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ServiceNeeded -> RE: Safe calls etc aren't always enough. (11/1/2008 1:38:57 AM)
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Realisticly -- (unless you are meeting a Pro-Domme which is different all-together and it's fine to meet-to-play )--- You Need to meet in a public place. It is for both your safety, but especially the female. Even if the plan was to later get together at his place, You STILL need to meet in a public place -- get lunch, drink coffee, whatever. You may think it's wasted time, But at least it is not a dangerous situation and one where you have options of where to go next and outs (like being able to use the phone to call a cab/etc for one thing!!) First Meet is in a PUBLIC Place, NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think you are brave to come on here and tell your story because many people would not, and of course some will discount you. I am sure that was VERY scary and I think if any of us, even those that think you played a part in the neglect of the situation, if any of us had a sister or a friend go through that, we would be concerned for them and angry at the person (the guy) that didn't help you anyway. While I know you were scared, I think you may have missed the point --- The Point is --- You are not his sub: YET. Meaning, AT ALL points in time untill then, YOU are responsible for Yourself, and no one else. The people that have posted comments that you don't like are basically seeing a neglect from you for yourself, and NOT a "lack of safety" in general. Safe calls are a good idea, but, lol, it can't be the only thing.
If you do not come with your OWN transportation & way to "get out" shiesh! That is the First clue. People with cars can afford to not have numbers&hotel plan because they can DRIVE somewhere enough to be able to get info about it. MY Gosh. And even they have a plan B. I am not saying this to be judgemental but, for you personally, I would suggest: 1. They travel to you if they want you OR you travel to them durring DAYLIGHT hours to meet, & of course you meet in a public place first. 2.Travel with at least a credit card & $30cash for plan b :) 3.Don't just "take hotel #s" Go ahead and Make a reservation. You can always cancel it in many places by 4or6 just ask and that is fine. then you know you for sure have a room, and also where it is, print out directions for the cab just in case, how much, etc etc. 4. If you are traveling to meet someone, You should have their picture. You need to give it to your safe call & make the person you are meeting aware that someone knows who you are with. If they do not match their picure for any reason: leave. No explaination needed, Just Leave.
I am really sorry to hear that happened to you, and even more disgusted at the dom -- but on his end, he may have not been aware certainly that you fell after he last saw you, or may have thought that since you left you had another plan, who knows... It does actually sound terrifying, I wouldn't wish that on anyone!!
In General: I am not sure why "being safe" in BDSM seems to ellude people, It is the SAME as being safe in normal life! Take out the words BDSM, Dom, & Sub --- now play the senario & would you suggest to a friend that they do that? A lot of subs are, well, submissive! lol -- They don't want to ask questions, demand things like where to meet & when & the pace of how to take things, they desperately want to be safe and fee -- and sometimes it clouds the judgement and makes it easy to see only certian things. I think if you are submissive, and you know that about yourself, you need to especially look at things and know your own weaknesses, the things you want, and the things you would be likly to lie to yourself about. It can sometimes help to have a friend, even if they are submissive too, because even if you don't care about yourself enough to see it, any one else probbaly would, just like you could see it in them, but not yourself.
*Additionally -- on the subject of attire ---- Doms can request what you wear AFTER they are your Dom -- ie: you choose them. If you are Going to meet them for the first time -- THEY ARE NOT YOUR DOM. They *might* be your dom, in like, an hour ;) lol, but not right now. If you are doing extensive traveling, it only makes SENSE that you wear something condusive to that. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TRUST THEM TO PICK OUT YOUR ATTIRE OR ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT PROVEN THAT TRUST YET. They have not earned it. They do not "own" you yet -- Nor are they necesarilly taking care & responsability of you yet. The two are not seperate & both must be shown. Seriously. This goes for EVERYTHING -- high heels, stockings, collars, school-girl skirts, not wearing panties, Bras, corsets, boots, blablabla -- whatever it is, doesn't matter. It is nice & fun & games, but if YOU are going to meet someone for the first time & they make a request you are not comfortable with -- Just say: I'm not comfortable with that yet, I'd like to meet you first, but would be open to doing that in the future. Alternately, If it is clothing or shoes, you can just bring it with you and offer to change once you are indoors/have met. It's no big deal. I don't know any doms worth having that wouldn't be okay with either of these options for a first meeting especially.
Another thing that is at the heart of it is people tend to think that BDSM is a Hotline to connection, fun, etc. --- There is no shortcut to a good relationship -- even if it is friendship or playpartner!! I mean, even in normal life if you were to meet for a "booty call" you would have met the person before or meet in a public place, talk, etc. Just because someone is Dom, doesn't mean they are responsible for you: Yet. ;) There are no cuts in line, no hotline, and no magical instant fairy dust that takes the place of doing things just like you would in ANY relationship to be safe with someone --- Meet in a PUBLIC place, exchange full info, safe call, Back-up Plan, your OWN transportation or a transportation plan, and the best of all of them : Time. to get to know someone to feel comfortable.
You are in charge of your own destiny, Sub or not. Steel gave the best advice.
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