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AAkasha -> RE: Advice for new Domme (11/3/2008 4:51:33 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
ValMari,
I was very hesitant about posting in reply to you mainly because I’m so new to D/s myself. Everything I say comes with that caveat. Also, as I’ve been frequently and rightly reminded, all dommes and all subs are different. Finally, you may be well aware of what I’m about to say and it may be ‘old hat’ to you. Yet something you say here makes me suspect that that last might not be the case.
Apart from lots of quite dry and empty experiences at BDSM venues , I’ve only had one D/s relationship of two short, though intense, months under my belt. This started as a vanilla relationship but turned into a D/s relationship in those last two months (and after a lot of awkward and slightly depressing “role playing”).
I knew that she had a dominant streak in her - that was clear from her fantasies. Yet she couldn't bring those fantasies into the real world. Looking back, the key to the problem was that I wasn’t able to convey to her what I wanted because she couldn’t grasp an essential “illogicality”: that what I wanted was just to please her. Venatrix says, above, that subs can tell from light years away if a woman is really into domination or not. This is true of me, at least. One way I can tell is by a certain frown and slightly frantic look in her eyes that says “I’m looking for some way of dominating him that he’ll enjoy”.
That’s the wrong premise. Or at least it would be for a sub who’s like me. It goes back to a big difference, recalling your first sentence, that I wasn’t able to articulate at the time. You say in that sentence, “I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me”.
If he’s like me, then the crucial thing is not that you learn to dominate him. It’s that you learn only that he wants to submit to you.
If it’s of any help: the very first time that my ex-partner “twigged” wasn’t at a BDSM club. It involved no BDSM paraphernalia whatsoever. She told me, late one night and just before we were both about to fall asleep, that she wanted me to make her breakfast in the morning. I said, “fine, so long as that’s an order and not a request”. After a strange ten minutes of questions and answers the next morning (Her: “But why did you enjoy making my breakfast so much?” –Me: “Because it was what you wanted and you told me, not asked me, to do it”. Etcetera. ), she grasped it.
It was by no means plain sailing after that, but it did, very quickly, become very intense and very good, for both of us. I just wish I’d had the language and the concepts then that I have now.
God knows if that "advice from a greenhorn" is of the slightest help – but, anyway, good luck to you both.
How much of it comes from the fact that she is giving an 'order' though, vs. just being demanding? I can be demanding but I don't give orders, per se, my dominance comes from acts of cruelty, self indulgent kinky requests or sadistic moments where I delight in my man's helplessness or situation - but on a daily basis, I don't see myself as "commanding," I just expect things to get done.
But yes, the big crux for a lot of new femdoms is the idea that they can't really worry so much about what he wants, what he is thinking, it's distracting, it's a confidence mindfuck. I think most submissive men do want a woman who can be comfortably self indulgent in those moments of dominance or topping, but it's still an unfamiliar mindset for a woman to be in. But I think once they taste it and experience it and see that it's all good, they find it somewhat exhilerating.
I think new femdoms need to grasp the concept that it's ok to be selfish in these moments. When she says to the man, "What do you want?" his response should be, "I want you to not CARE what I want." And that's somewhat blunt but it's tangible - and women can do it, if it's in smaller periods of time.
Akasha
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