From your perspectives, please

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

From your perspectives, please

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> From your perspectives, please

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 12:54:19 PM

ValMari

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/31/2008
Status: offline

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me. Every time the subject came up, I would tell him of my interest, but would not follow up with my promise.

Now, he is hurt and wary and no longer wants to be with me. At the same time, I went through many life changes that have finally allowed me to see the benefit, the power, the closeness, and the beauty of the type of dynamic he is proposing. I want this more than ever.

How can I gain back his trust and show him that I should be worshiped and I want to be? He is experienced, I am not, and I want to get this right...to start off on the right foot. Any specific suggestions for getting started and showing him my intent? Especially those of you who may have gone through something similar?

Thank you very much for any sage advice.

ValMari

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 1:01:29 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Tell him what you told us but in more detail. What were the life changes that made you re-examine your thinking? Ask him if you could try it for a short period of time following which you both talk about what did or did not work.

You don't have to start 24/7. There's nothing wrong with just an hour after dinner on Friday night. If that works extend it to the whole night. And so on.

But in order for him to believe you, you need to do more than just promise again. You need to keep your word in everything, no matter how small. And you need to share with him what was holding you back before and why it no longer is.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 1:04:06 PM

ValMari

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/31/2008
Status: offline

Thank you, that is wonderful advice. I've have an itch to jump into things fast, but I bet the best thing to do is gain the trust back little by little.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 2:43:00 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ValMari

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful and thoughtful man who only wanted to worship me and be dominated by me. Every time the subject came up, I would tell him of my interest, but would not follow up with my promise.

Now, he is hurt and wary and no longer wants to be with me. At the same time, I went through many life changes that have finally allowed me to see the benefit, the power, the closeness, and the beauty of the type of dynamic he is proposing. I want this more than ever.

VM,

In addition to what Des had to say start exposing him to your Domme new you.

CP

How can I gain back his trust and show him that I should be worshiped and I want to be? He is experienced, I am not, and I want to get this right...to start off on the right foot. Any specific suggestions for getting started and showing him my intent? Especially those of you who may have gone through something similar?

Thank you very much for any sage advice.

ValMari

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 3:08:58 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Ask him what it would take. One of the important things about relationships is that you communicate honestly and openly. Explain why you did want it before and why you want it now. Then, most of all, back up your words with action.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 4:58:33 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

It is also possible that this just won't happen with this particular guy, so, you may have to be open to a new relationship sometime down the line.

I also need to ask this; are you the type who is not interested in someone until they are no longer interested in you? Be honest with yourself about that. You could be shooting yourself in the foot. (ask me how I know...)

Good luck!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 5:25:11 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

Although your change of heart is a positive factor, I'll bet he is hurt and perhaps feels rejected. Sometimes things can be changed, sometimes they cannot. One can only ask him, if possible, and try a second time.

If you show you are sincere in you desire to be worshipped and to dominate him, perhaps that will make a difference in how he feels. I agree that you must be careful to keep your promises and be truthful. However, I must say that a good Domme is difficult to find, and if you are available for him, he might give you his submission.

I hope that you don't disappoint this submissive again.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 5:29:44 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I would love to make positive noises, but I can't. I think you blew it. Move on.

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 5:39:54 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I would tell him of my interest, but would not follow up with my promise.

I only wait so long. I guess my interest in any given guy has an expiration date.

You can be honest and have talk with him about it. I'm not sure it would work for me. Unless I saw some immediate deliverables. And it's sort of for him to decide what sort of deliverables he needs to see from you.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/1/2008 7:59:01 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I would tell him of my interest, but would not follow up with my promise.

I only wait so long. I guess my interest in any given guy has an expiration date.

You can be honest and have talk with him about it. I'm not sure it would work for me. Unless I saw some immediate deliverables. And it's sort of for him to decide what sort of deliverables he needs to see from you.

What she said.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/2/2008 9:38:26 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I had the exact same situation happen to me here in London a couple of years ago. She was an inexperienced domme, and I was in the situation of your submissive.

This went on and off on and off for about 14 months. We exchanged over 60 e-mails. We met three times, once for coffee, once at one of her friend's apartments (the friend was out) and once at my apartment. She wanted a slave, and I was at the time open to such a relationship.

I spent two months writing a daily journal for her. When she came to my apartment we sat, talked, and shared our only bit of play - she caned me. We got on, there was good contact, but...

She came through after so long, and I had just about given up and she wanted immediately total control, and.. I baulked. I baulked because (1) my process of submission is pretty lengthy and (2) I didn't have much confidence in her as a dominant to motivate me to give up control and transfer authority to her. She wasn't prepared to give me enough time to be able to do this and this is how it ended.

I somehow sense from the OP that this is a similar situation. However I have also been on the other side of this situation and didn't follow through, and this cost me what appeared to be a very promising relationship and gave me a hard lesson in following through on my commitments.

However that saying I'm now in a relationship with another inexperienced domme who also didn't follow through despite the fact that we spent Christmas together two years ago and have continued a friendship throughout with different relationship interests on both sides. But here there's more chemistry.

And this is the key to whether another attempt will work out or not - the chemistry between you. It's important to communicate effectively and honestly and also to take that opportunity when it comes.

Some opportunities don't come back for a second time and the same can be said for some people.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/2/2008 4:26:04 PM

ValMari

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/31/2008
Status: offline

All of your input is cherished. Thank you, dears!

(in reply to stella41b)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/5/2008 10:53:43 AM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

trust is important.... trust must be earned, it is the basis of all relationships kink or nilla. i think if You stick to Your dominant instincts, finding that You love to exercise that part, & become comfortable in that skin. that's when it will work. he doesnt have a 'submissive mask' he wears. its his true face. only another true dominant face will allow the relationship to thrive. no masks here.

_____________________________

~Love is Pain~

www.myspace.com/iamthediminished

(in reply to ValMari)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: From your perspectives, please - 11/5/2008 11:04:24 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

Because you have already shown that you do not follow up on your promises, you may not get that second chance with this person. Talk to him and see if he is still even interested in the attempt. Keep in mind the answer may very well be no. You may come across as finally giving in and humoring him if you suddenly start doing what he wanted. He doesnt believe you are dominant, or at least not interested in dominating him because you have already shown him you are not. Second chances are not gauranteed, so if it doesnt work out with him you need to decide if you want to be with him and give that up or if you want to look for someone with whom you can explore your new found interest in being dominant.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to composer83)

Profile

Post #: 14