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I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:23:01 PM

stephsubsd

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi,

I am a mess of a submissive, i suppose. I am in a 5 year relationship with a vanilla man. I would love to say that i am "perfectly" happy with him - but that's only 90% true. I have fantasies and dreams that he has no interest in fulfilling, but i realize there is so much more to a relationship than just sex -- especially in this lifestyle.

I sometimes wake up at night from these vividly erotic dreams. Sometimes i wake up feeling terrified of the things that happen to me in these dreams. I wonder -is that normal? Am i capable of overcoming those fears to truly submit, or would i never succeed as a submissive?

Yet, most nights I fall asleep to the silent fantasy of being tied spread eagle, blind folded, and used.

is that normal? to feel "Scared" or "unsure" of ones ability to truly submit?

Post #: 1

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:35:05 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Submission is new to you - it's natural to be afraid of the unknown and the undefined. Maybe you'll succeed as a submissive but I doubt you'll fail. It's more likely that you'll find that this isn't actually for you, which is far different than actually failing.

When you say that he isn't interested in fulfilling your fantasies, have you really talked to him about how badly you want to explore this? Either way, I'd suggest reading the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" and doing some highlighting in regards to what you think applies to you specifically. Then think about what you read for a few days and give him the copy so that he can try to get a better understanding of where you are coming from.

Also, if you have already spoken to him about it, what are his reservations or turn-offs about what it is that you want? Once upon a time, Valyraen was convinced he would never want any of this beyond a bit of kink because he didn't understand what things like collars meant to me and how our relationship could work. He had faulty ideas about these types of relationships formed by the media.

Best of luck!

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/2/2008 9:36:04 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 2

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:39:24 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, stephsubsd; welcome to cm,
I don't know. I can't say I have experienced questioning my ability to submit or felt particular fear, except when someone I placed trust in was failing to keep commitments to me, thus proving themselves less than safe.
I am a bit confused as you note being in a vanilla relationship but you're saying there is a lot in this lifestyle besides sex. I was in a vanialla marriage where my D/s desires weren't anyting my spouse was interested in entertaining. Did I serve, as a natural aspect of who I am. Sure. Did I get positive feedback? Yes, sometimes. Did I get the sexual interaction I desired? No way.
I'm confused about what you're asking really here. I see that you express a desire to submit, that you've devoted significant thought to it, you're on cm. How does this fit within your vanialla relationship or are you able/allowed to go outside of said relationship? Or, am I missing something entirely?
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 3

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:39:54 PM

stephsubsd

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline

we've discussed my curiosity, at this point - it's not much more than the desire to test my limits, and see how far i can go. He makes fun suggestions of things that sounds like something I would absolutely love to try -- but when it comes down to sex, there is nothing about him that's in control.

we bought some straps, and coughs, and blind folds, and things. I will get them out and leave them laying around the room - but he doesn't use them, so after a few weeks, i'll give up and put them back in the drawer.

i think he has the best of intentions, but maybe that's just not him?

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:43:05 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

I can only speak for myself. This is my first D/s relationship. I just relocated a little over a month ago to live with my Mistress. Scared and unsure? Frequently. It is human nature to be scare of the unknown. Maybe it would put it in perspective if you look at the question a different way. Have you ever experienced a major life change that you weren't unsure of? Ever move to a different city or take a new job and not wonder about if it was the right decision?

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 5

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:44:59 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stephsubsd

i think he has the best of intentions, but maybe that's just not him?

Maybe. Or maybe he is just nervous about actually starting. Some men have trouble breaking through the "Don't ever hit a woman" conditioning. It might help him out if you break the ice by introducing the idea during foreplay by suggesting he get the straps or blindfold. Just like this is new and scary to you, this is new (and possibly scary) to him to and he won't magically know what to do. As "undominant" as it may sound, he may need some help from you to bolster his self-confidence that when he does X,Y, and Z it really does turn you on.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 6

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:46:11 PM

stephsubsd

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline

Davan,

you just nearly described my exact situation. The thing is, we've been together for 5 years, and recently the "married" word came up - and suddenly i feel myself having doubts where i never had them before.

I am so sexually unsatisfied. as you suggest, i am able to complete many things that i consider to be a "woman's responsibility" such as the domestic chores (cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc). but when it comes to the sexual aspect of our relationship - i am never really satisfied, he is not inadequate in bed as far as "general standards" are concerned - but my fantasies are of something completely different than what i have with him. It is easier to be "sexually unsatisfied" when you know you can "get out" at any time - but marriage, is not that easy - and to think about being sexually unsatisfied for the rest of my life -that gives me great pause. But what if i am unable to submit the way that i think i want to - will i throw away the last 5 years of my life?

i want a man who will tell me everything he needs/wants in order for me to please him (sexually, and non sexually), a man who will take control in the bedroom, who will reprimand me when i do not listen, a man who will teach me to do things the way he likes them done (whether it's folding the laundry a certain way, or looking at the floor when i address him, or whatever it is). But my boyfriend is more of the "take things as they come" kind of person than "take things as he wants them"

i don't know if that answers anything!

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 7

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 9:50:29 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stephsubsd

i want a man who will tell me everything he needs/wants in order for me to please him (sexually, and non sexually), a man who will take control in the bedroom, who will reprimand me when i do not listen, a man who will teach me to do things the way he likes them done (whether it's folding the laundry a certain way, or looking at the floor when i address him, or whatever it is). But my boyfriend is more of the "take things as they come" kind of person than "take things as he wants them"

i don't know if that answers anything!

I don't know if this will be helpful or not but you may want to search for old threads about experienced submissives with inexperienced dominants and other "experience or inexperience" threads. I think one of the issues is that what you have, at best, is an inexperienced dominant who is going to have to figure out *how* he wants to control you while learning how he wants to enforce that control as well. Being with an inexperienced dom as they are learning isn't for everyone and a lot of subs and slaves prefer, or insist on, experience. But learning together can also be a beautiful thing.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 8

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/2/2008 10:16:04 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Hi, stephsubsd----
You said: you just nearly described my exact situation. The thing is, we've been together for 5 years, and recently the "married" word came up - and suddenly i feel myself having doubts where i never had them before.
I am so sexually unsatisfied. as you suggest, i am able to complete many things that i consider to be a "woman's responsibility" such as the domestic chores (cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc). but when it comes to the sexual aspect of our relationship - i am never really satisfied, he is not inadequate in bed as far as "general standards" are concerned - but my fantasies are of something completely different than what i have with him. It is easier to be "sexually unsatisfied" when you know you can "get out" at any time - but marriage, is not that easy - and to think about being sexually unsatisfied for the rest of my life -that gives me great pause. But what if i am unable to submit the way that i think i want to - will i throw away the last 5 years of my life?
i want a man who will tell me everything he needs/wants in order for me to please him (sexually, and non sexually), a man who will take control in the bedroom, who will reprimand me when i do not listen, a man who will teach me to do things the way he likes them done (whether it's folding the laundry a certain way, or looking at the floor when i address him, or whatever it is). But my boyfriend is more of the "take things as they come" kind of person than "take things as he wants them"
i don't know if that answers anything!

My thoughts: I am concerned that what I said resonates with you so strongly. My ex- and I were together 17 years, married nearly 15. You're trying, that is important. Your guy isn't my ex-, so things don't generalize. I think your profile said you're 25. So, y'all have ben together since you were 20. That's around the age I realized that D/s was something very inherent for me and asked my husband to please give it a whirl. His answer: No, it doesn't interest me, I don't get it. I tried, many times, across the years to help him understand, to educate, to make suggestions. I talked, I begged, I raged, I cried. I sublimated a huge part of me because I wasn't willing to give up my marriage or abandon someone I love and made a lifelong commitment to. I always hoped he'd come around. He didn't. That is not what ended our marriage but it didn't help.
I became rather bitter on some points (Especially since I accommodated every request he had with the exception of my having sex with random people: that was not happening). In poly relationships, I intentionally didn't look for D/s dynamics because I feared what a good fit would/could do (Wasn't leaving but imagine the skull-f*ck of having a need met then torn away). Then, I happened into a D/s relationship while I was married with someone I also love(I was on the D-side of the kneel). I felt like a part of me that was gasping for air, starved sprung to life and I was joyous with my two boys. And, when that relationship went away, I was so devastated (I was emotional roadkill; my best friend, who's known me 23 years describes me dragging myself out of that pit as a 'phoenix rising from the ashes'). I swore off plural relationships and my bitterness over the lack of D/s dynamics worsened. I felt I would be relegated to 'dead sex' for the rest of my days. I was bereft; I felt like I was dying.
We did venture into one more poly- situation that was a poor fit for me before we broke up. The D/s and the poly weren't the breaking factors.
I found a great guy on here with whom I shared an uncommon bond. Beautiful friendship, fabulous dynamics, lots of good stuff. He's married. There was much control BS and drama (From a wife that did her best to destroy the relationship and a husband who made commitments to me and didn't hold himself or his wife accountable for promises) and that relationship lays in pieces. That is the first relationship I allowed myself to really care about, the first person I really opened myself to since the D/s relationship in my marriage ended. I mourn his loss, I bleed for what was put asunder, I miss a dear friend and someone I resonated well with in a broad-based way, including behaving in submission to him. Life's been better. It's also been worse.
I don't know where your life will take you or if anything that I've said there will be of help.
It sounds as if you know what you want, as a submissive. Now, seeing if your boyfriend can meet those needs that you have while fulfilling his own (Because that is part of being submissive; meeting the needs your Dominant identifies as his own and hopefully building a mutually fulfilling relationship). I don't know if your guy is upto the task. Seems like you love him; you've spent 5 yers together. You're on here trying to figure stuff out, you're reaching out to him asking him to help you in meeting your needs, you're communicating, you're reflecting upon self.
Sending good thoughts,
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 9

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 4:37:11 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I urge you not to get married as long as you are unsatisfied. Just as you deserve someone who makes you happy, so does he. He deserves a woman who loves what he does with her, to her. You aren't she.

If everything else is great you may wish to talk about opening up the relationship. What I would say to him is that you aren't happy, and you cannot in good conscience marry someone who is such a bad fit in such an important area. And then bring up marriage counseling. Call around and find a marriage counselor who is knowledgable about kink and alt sex relationships. You can ask them on the phone for free about their knowledge of this and their feelings about it.

Hopefully you can work things through or both decide amicably to split. But settling for half while secretly holding resentment for your partner for refusing to even try it is guaranteed to destroy a relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 10

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 4:45:00 AM

littlemisssnarf

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline

i'm echoing all the above have said - i married a guy 10 years ago as i thought it was the easy option... i loved him but wasn't in love and as DesFIP has said i resented him entirely.... leaving him was one of the hardest and yet best things i have ever done in my life as it means i can now be free to be me!

you may find that you're not entirely submissive but are enjoying the fantasy of it - talk with him more....

i wish you love and luck!
x

_____________________________

let the sun shine on your soul and smile...

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 6:53:27 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

In many ways I was just like your boyfriend when I started doing this stuff. Afraid to push, worried about hurting a woman, always less than she wanted, etc.

Took me a long time to get over that.

However, my partner at the time didn't help. Sitting there with your hands on your hip saying "you are doing it all wrong" isn't helping him. ASK and BEG him to use one of the toys, tell him it drives you insane with lust when HE (and that is important) does this stuff. Then REWARD him in a way that is meaningful to him for doing it. If ANYTHING goes wrong, own it yourself, don't bitch/whine/complain to him.

You have to train/educate him that despite his entire upbringing telling him hitting/using/ordering a woman is wrong that suddenly he lives in an upside down world where hitting/using/ordering YOU about is good. You also need to remember that his first steps are going to be tentative. He is looking for you to react and call him a sick fuck/abusive man because that is the reaction he has been trained to expect. So you have to be EXTRA careful to watch for and follow through when he gives you a timid small order. He is testing the waters, looking to see if you reject him. So when he gives you an order and you don't follow through so he will "be more dominant and punish you" you have just taught him that you were lying and don't want to obey. Guess what, he sure as fuck isn't going to try again and you BOTH lose!

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 11/3/2008 6:58:57 AM >

(in reply to littlemisssnarf)

Post #: 12

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 8:06:43 AM

bound4more

Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

In many ways I was just like your boyfriend when I started doing this stuff. Afraid to push, worried about hurting a woman, always less than she wanted, etc.

Took me a long time to get over that.

However, my partner at the time didn't help. Sitting there with your hands on your hip saying "you are doing it all wrong" isn't helping him. ASK and BEG him to use one of the toys, tell him it drives you insane with lust when HE (and that is important) does this stuff. Then REWARD him in a way that is meaningful to him for doing it. If ANYTHING goes wrong, own it yourself, don't bitch/whine/complain to him.

You have to train/educate him that despite his entire upbringing telling him hitting/using/ordering a woman is wrong that suddenly he lives in an upside down world where hitting/using/ordering YOU about is good. You also need to remember that his first steps are going to be tentative. He is looking for you to react and call him a sick fuck/abusive man because that is the reaction he has been trained to expect. So you have to be EXTRA careful to watch for and follow through when he gives you a timid small order. He is testing the waters, looking to see if you reject him. So when he gives you an order and you don't follow through so he will "be more dominant and punish you" you have just taught him that you were lying and don't want to obey. Guess what, he sure as fuck isn't going to try again and you BOTH lose!

I agree completely. It's easy to think only of our own situation and wants. One of the first exercises in submission I got, was looking at my Owner and attempting to really "get him", what does he feel like, need etc. When we met, he had never even heard of BDSM let alone have any experience with it.

I believe that in time, as you and possibly both of you progress, you'll find that many things don't fit the the erotic, fantasy "guidelines". It's easy to be extremely impatient initially because all these wants and desires come streaming to the surface and feel like they just HAVE TO BE SATISFIED NOW. I'd recommend not tossing away what may prove to be a very wonderful relationship simply because he's not able to do what you want, when you want. I'd recommend you take a deeper look at what submission means to you, beside the erotic activities. This is your relationship of 5 years, you're talking about, not some guy you met last night.

Try to understand how you'd feel if your partner came home one day and told you that he wanted to do something that was not only totally foreign to you, but that you tended to think was uh even possibly wrong? Then think how you'd feel if he expected you to instantly climb aboard and when you didn't he expressed how unhappy he is. Wouldn't you want him to understand your need for some time to process it and learn more about it.

I'd recommend starting out with something relatively easy to accept, like over the knee spanking. Most likely it's not going to feel like you want it to, right away because his dominant energy is not going to be flowing yet. Chances are if this man loves you and wants you in his life, he will make an effort to learn about what it is you want and need.

_____________________________

You can tell who someone really is by how they act

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 13

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 8:09:51 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Kinda simple, then: if you love him, see if you can remain in the relationship, and have a master or playmate or whatever on the side. I have never believed in the "one size fits all" relationship concept, but then I come from somewhere where having a mistress or lover is perfectly acceptable.

You have clearly expressed your need, and there is a great certainty in your e-voice, so the other option is to simply explore, after the two of you talk, and then decide which way you want to go. Where you are now, you're going to spend the rest of your life unhappy, so that is not an option.

It sounds simple, but is hard to do. However, you have to, you have to look after number one, you can't look after number two if you are not happy. Simple as that. And don't try to change him, people change because they want to, for their own ends. If they "do it for you" it don't stick.

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 14

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 9:21:46 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

You do know that 1 yr becomes 5.. 5 becomes ten, life moves forward, not back. So, if you feel at age 25, that you would be throwing away the last 5 yrs of your life, imagine how you will feel at 50 and to have wasted all that time because life kept moving on without you.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: stephsubsd

The thing is, we've been together for 5 years, and recently the "married" word came up - and suddenly i feel myself having doubts where i never had them before.

if i am unable to submit the way that i think i want to - will i throw away the last 5 years of my life?

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 15

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 9:37:12 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stephsubsd

Hi,

I am a mess of a submissive, i suppose. I am in a 5 year relationship with a vanilla man. I would love to say that i am "perfectly" happy with him - but that's only 90% true. I have fantasies and dreams that he has no interest in fulfilling, but i realize there is so much more to a relationship than just sex -- especially in this lifestyle.

I sometimes wake up at night from these vividly erotic dreams. Sometimes i wake up feeling terrified of the things that happen to me in these dreams. I wonder -is that normal? Am i capable of overcoming those fears to truly submit, or would i never succeed as a submissive?

Yet, most nights I fall asleep to the silent fantasy of being tied spread eagle, blind folded, and used.

is that normal? to feel "Scared" or "unsure" of ones ability to truly submit?

Submission isn't always sexual. It isn't just about being spread eagled either. Before you begin to question your ability to submit, work out what you define as being submissive and what you feel you are submissive to.

Secondly, leaving stuff around for him isn't a good idea and shouts non communication to me. Ask him. Request it. Make it absolutely clear. Because if this is just coming up in random discussions and then you leave it all up to him, he isn;t going to get how important this is to you.

And decide what you want more out of a relationship and what submission means to you, before you make any lifelong commitment.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 16

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 10:55:07 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Am i capable of overcoming those fears to truly submit, or would i never succeed as a submissive?

In my experience, submission (and dominance) is more scary in theory than in fact. Consider.... if you are thinking theoretically about submission, then you are also thinking about all the ways you might get a poor partner who might door unfortunate things to you. But when you are actually IN a D/s relationship then you are evaluating what THIS partner is likely to do, not what some theoretical Freddy Kreuger type might do.

Oh, and one other point... turning over control of some or all of your life to another person OUGHT to be scary. That's kind of mother nature's way of warning you that this is a risky thing to do. It's like getting into a pool full of hungry sharks. Sure sure, you're in a shark cage so everything ought to be OK, but it's STILL risky and perhaps you should double check to make sure the cage door is firmly closed? I'm not saying some or even most doms are like "sharks", I'm merely suggesting that you should choose carefully because the decision itself is risky. Your concerns are not unfounded. What is true though is that your concerns BECOME unfounded when you find yourself in the presence of someone you trust enough to submit to.

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 17

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 11:34:41 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

for this slave, it wasn't a fear of being able to submit, she had that down pat. it was the fear that it wouldn't be accepted, that this slave would be encouraged to seek help for her depraved fantasies and "weak" personality. ultimately, this slave had zero success maintaining a relationship with someone who had no interest in her submissive nature---in or out of the bedroom.

so she stopped looking for a relationship with someone, and just looked to have fun with someone instead.
it has been this slave's experience that MOST folk don't want to be submitted to---not completely, not right off the bat, and certainly not in the long run...especially if they didn't come up with the idea in the first place, are submissive themselves or have a submissive side to their personality.

if he is naturally dominant anyway, it would seem to this slave that you might have a shot at convincing him you'd really like for him to take charge. there have been folks here at this site that have reported favorable results when springing their desire for submission or dominance on their otherwise vanilla relationship partner.

it has also been this slave's very limited experience that the more areas of your life you submit, the less likely you are to find someone who will view that as "healthy", and good luck finding someone who will embrace your complete surrender...from what this slave has observed and personally experienced, they are very few and far between.

best of luck to you

(in reply to stephsubsd)

Post #: 18

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 12:34:06 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Michael's absolutely right. Social conditioning tells a man from day one not to hit girls, not to push them around. So ask him to make a decision. Ask him what he wants for dinner tomorrow (so you can get the ingredients) and then go do it for him. Tell him how happy you are to have some of the decision making responsibility taken away. If you usually go out on Friday nights, ask him to pick what you do. Obviously if you're allergic to fish you may want to specify not the seafood restaurant. And then don't bitch because he picked Mexican while you were secretly hoping for Thai.

Sexually, you could drape yourself naked over his knee and ask him to spank you. If he gives three half hearted spanks, ask for more and wriggle and tell him how much you like it. Then jump him and beg for sex. Give him a blow job, connect him taking control sexually to you being crazed with lust for him. And two days later say to him "Remember Monday night when you spanked me? Could you do it again some time, but harder? Please, please, it was so hot!"

Lots of positive reinforcement. Plus you could buy some books; When Someone You Love is Kinky, Erotic Bondage, Topping Book. And ask him what his fantasies are and then offer to fulfill them for him. Role play is a great place to start. Him in a pirate's shirt and you in a wench outfit both cheap to pick up right after Halloween. Naughty schoolgirl in a short pleated skirt and button down white shirt and him in a suit. If it's role play it isn't real and he should be able to enjoy himself like that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 19

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/3/2008 2:39:03 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Beth said:
...if he is naturally dominant anyway, it would seem to this slave that you might have a shot at convincing him you'd really like for him to take charge. there have been folks here at this site that have reported favorable results when springing their desire for submission or dominance on their otherwise vanilla relationship partner.

Heh, carol would agree that she had "favorable results" with that... unless of course I'm busy making her do stuff she didn't want to.

More seriously, the "naturally dominant" part I think I might quibble with. With the understanding that my opinion is theory only, I personally think that somewhere above 50% of guys would be happy to do so. What stops them is not lack of innate ability, it's primarily a truly poor introduction to the topic (see Michael's post above), and lack of anything resembling credible and approachable mentoring. There are lots of really compelling reasons for a male to want a submissive female both in and out of the bedroom.

@OP: As one of those "vanilla guys" being discussed, I'm going to heartily recommend reading Michael's and Des's posts here. That's basically what carol did and yes, it worked out quite nicely. LOTS and LOTS of positive reinforcement and ZERO negative reinforcement is the key to getting over the first stages. Think of it as service to him.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 11/3/2008 2:43:33 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 20

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> I doubt my ability to submit

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