What does it take to be a Dom?

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B1gbear -> What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 1:01:12 PM)
I have been asked a few times recently some of the basics of what it means to be a Dom by those brand new to the lifestyle. I thought it might be helpful for those of you who have not yet found someone to ask this question of, if I posted my response to this question. Are you brand new to the lifestyle? Do you find yourself drawn to it, and have fantasies of dominating someone, but have no idea where to start? Then settle in and read the comments below. I'm sure there will be tons of responses from other knowledgable Dominants on this thread in the end to help you along the way as well. ~Enjoy! --------------------------------- To start with, know your limitations and exercise patience. Any submissive will expect you know what your doing and can keep control over the dynamic by default. They will also assume you will know what is best for them and expect you not to endanger them mentally or physically. Make those assumptions and adjust the reality to where it really is each time you meet a sub. Many will challenge you and your knowledge, so if you pretend to know something you don't, you will set yourself and the sub up to fail. They will respect you for being honest with them. And if they are out of your league, you would lose them anyway in the end. Do lots of reading on the lifestyle. I have some information on my educational site from a local group I founded. http://www.enslavedrose.org There are dozens of other sites out there too...do a google search. Because you have Dominant fantasies does not make you a Dom yet, nor does it mean this will come naturally to you. Read, Read, READ and ask questions on what you read. In the end you will be the one who is supposed to have the answers. Wanting to play the dominant role in a sexual or scening situation is called being a Top versus the sub who wants to be dominated in a sexual or scening situation being called a bottom. Many in the S/M aspect only are Tops and bottoms. Wanting to dominate a person in more than a single scene or the bedroom is referred to as being Dominant, the opposite being a submissive. This is because Dominance and submission includes the mental and psychological aspects of the lifestyle as well. I firmly believe 95% of the 'Power Exchange' dynamic is mental. If you own ones mind the body will eagerly follow. The core values applied to this dynamic are Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, and Selfless Dedication to one another. If you think its all about you, your not a Dom, your just another vanilla guy with a fantasy or the equivalent of a Preditor, if in fact your not one. If you can grasp that being a Dominant is about the emense responsibility for another person's body, mind and emotional well being, then you might just have the ability to take on that responsibility one day and not leave one or both of you emotionally hurt or damaged in the process. Before ever taking a submissive in a power exchange relationship, expect that you will be spending your energy growing that sub emotionally with the goal of helping them reach their full potiential. This goal taking priority over your own wants should they conflict. It's called taking responsibility for another human being, not unlike raising children. You also need to be strong enough to to make the right decisions. Good or perceived bad. Often what the sub needs has nothing to do with what she wants. You better be able and ready to make the hard decisions, including punishment and the need to leave her upset or even mad at you, in the process of doing the right thing. On many occasions for me this meant telling the sub I was not the right Dom for her and ending the potiential relationship...for no other reason than knowing she would not grow and thrive under my control, (My personal interest or desire for her not a consideration). The last dynamic takes all from the Dom/sub dyanmic and takes it to the next level. A sub maintains the right to say now and define her own limitations in her service to the Dom. In a Master/slave dyanmic the power exchange is complete. Meaning the Dom who now carries the 'title' Master, take complete control over the slave's life, (usually 24/7, not to say Dom/sub isn't quite often 24/7)....and the slave gives over complete control, thus giving up her right to say no. In this becoming a true slave. She trusts completely in all the choices her Master makes. Believing completely that every choice he makes regarding her are in her best interest. She has no limits or boundries defined in the relationship. Does this mean you can do anything you want with the slave? Not really. Technically by the nature of the dyanmic yes, but by nature of the responsibility taken upon yourself, it is the Master's job to identify the slaves current limits and which she will grow through expanding them and which are best kept in place. If you asked the typical experienced sub or slave to take on the responsibilities of a Dom or Master, they would say "NO WAY". Many very impressed with a Dom's ability to take on such an emense amount of responsibility. Why do we do it? Because not so unlike a Co-Dependant relationship, we need to have someone like the sub or slave to take care of and control. And we gain the ability to keep it up through the devoted service of that same sub or slave. The rewards make it well worth it. ;O) All that said, consider my words and decide where in that structure you feel you are or wish to be. Consider the responsibilities of the level you crave and then focus on learning what you need to get there. Never be afraid to say you don't know. No one in this lifestyle knows everything, and most of us have far more to learn than we know already. Humility will show your ability to be honest with yourself. A critical trait if you want anyone to believe your being honest with them. It also shows your not insecure in who you are. Confidence is another attractive characteristic that special sub will be looking for in you. This is the first thing and the last thing to always remember and I'm sure one day you will be telling every sub your meet to remember. "PATIENCE" If you rush things, you will set yourself up to fail. Far too often people are hurt and lose trust they need to make this lifestyle work in the process. Have Patience, have patience, have patience! Hope that helps you get off to a good start. Feel free to ask if you have more questions. ~Dave (AKA BigBear)

MasterOwnskitty -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 3:52:09 PM)
Excellent information...lots of good points and full of wisdom.

candystripper -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 4:41:34 PM)
What a loving and informed post. TY B1gBear. candystripper

cravinspankin -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 5:35:07 PM)
excellent. Thank you for your insight.

fastlane -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 5:47:33 PM)
I knew I was born a Dominant, when the first memory I can recall was the Doctor spanking me and wishing how badly I could bend him over my baby knee and give him a good ass whipping! This is true! Your thread is good though, for those who were not born into the role. Good info!

happypervert -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 7:17:42 PM)
quote: expect that you will be spending your energy growing that sub emotionally with the goal of helping them reach their full potiential. This goal taking priority over your own wants should they conflict. It's called taking responsibility for another human being, not unlike raising children. Perhaps that's what some folks like along the lines of a Pygmalion complex but notions like this just rub me the wrong way. First, it implies the dom has some mystical abilities that allow him to say "come with me my dear to reach your full potential" when the reality is that most doms are just normal folks and there are plenty that haven't even reached their own potential. Sure, people grow and learn together in a relationship but that isn't the same thing as the know-it-all dom who leads the sub down some magical path of self discovery -- that just sounds more like fantasy than reality to me. The only scenario I can see this is if one only likes submissives that are stupid so the dom seems like he does know it all, but then that isn't an unusual dynamic in vanilla relatinships for that matter. It ain't for me though. I've got no interest in somebody with such childlike expectations; I like gals who know exactly what their potential is and have already reached it themselves because they're smart and determined. They don't need me for anything, but chose instead to submit to me.

MasterBenedict -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 8:17:46 PM)
Bravo!! Oh! & By the way, may I copy that advice?

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 8:50:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: expect that you will be spending your energy growing that sub emotionally with the goal of helping them reach their full potiential. This goal taking priority over your own wants should they conflict. It's called taking responsibility for another human being, not unlike raising children. Perhaps that's what some folks like along the lines of a Pygmalion complex but notions like this just rub me the wrong way. First, it implies the dom has some mystical abilities that allow him to say "come with me my dear to reach your full potential" when the reality is that most doms are just normal folks and there are plenty that haven't even reached their own potential. Sure, people grow and learn together in a relationship but that isn't the same thing as the know-it-all dom who leads the sub down some magical path of self discovery -- that just sounds more like fantasy than reality to me. The only scenario I can see this is if one only likes submissives that are stupid so the dom seems like he does know it all, but then that isn't an unusual dynamic in vanilla relatinships for that matter. It ain't for me though. I've got no interest in somebody with such childlike expectations; I like gals who know exactly what their potential is and have already reached it themselves because they're smart and determined. They don't need me for anything, but chose instead to submit to me. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but this was not intended as idealistic dreaming or fantasy. It was directed to the intended audience, new Doms with no idea what the whole Dom sub dynamic is about. What type of subs any one Dom might seek is no concern of mine, nor would I desire a stupid sub. Life is about growing and learning, just as this lifestyle is. As most 'new' Doms will be aligning themselves with 'new' or 'newer' subs I wrote this thread to focus on individuals with a lot of learning to do. Context is important when trying to critique another's words. I think it is important to clarify that I am a High Protocol Dominant who keeps his focus on the mental and psychological aspects of this lifestyle. My words are meant to help those just embracing it grasp the psychology behind what they explore. Although many would like to think it magical, there is in fact nothing mystical about it. Like any other dynamic, lifestyle or vanilla, it is just about building a relationship. Some would say the way all relationships were meant to be from the beginning, others would say a very different type of relationship, but if you've never tried it before ground rules and some sense of understanding what your heading into would be a good idea, don't you agree? As for your preference to the sub who has it altogether and has no need for you but voluntary submission, I'd have to say you sound far more like the typical Top seeking a no fuss bottom. Vanilla by day, kinky player by night. Even vanilla relationships are typically built on what each bring to the relationship for each other. Well healthy ones focused on more than personal wants anyway. Can't say I've ever met an actual Dom who didn't feel he/she or their sub/slave had lots to learn and were ever growing in their relationship let alone the lifestyle. No offense meant to you, but for all those reading this thread.....If your still learning about yourselves or this lifestyle, try a more humble approach or I'm pretty sure you'll get labeled along the lines of cocky, know it all, or lazy. This writer's perspective is just one Dom's/Top's personal taste, not an approach to dive in this lifestyle with. Of course, that's just THIS Dom's opinion too.

camigirl -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/16/2005 10:05:36 PM)
I agree there is a huge difference between a Top and a Dominant and there are many that don't realize this. Your website looks very interesting but i cant seem to get past the first page after i enter...is it me or a problem with the link? camigirl

KatyLied -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 5:35:51 AM)
quote: As for your preference to the sub who has it altogether and has no need for you but voluntary submission, I'd have to say you sound far more like the typical Top seeking a no fuss bottom. Vanilla by day, kinky player by night. And what would be wrong with that? Not everyone needs (or wants, or dreams of) total immersion in the lifestyle. I certainly don't. Why are people not allowed to enjoy the lifestyle without all of the "High Protocol"? I do not see the lifestyle as some exercise in psychology, as some way to make me a better and more complete person. It ain't a magic pill. The beauty (?) of the lifestyle is in finding a compatible person(s) to enjoy it with, without others judging what you are and what you do.

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 8:19:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camigirl I agree there is a huge difference between a Top and a Dominant and there are many that don't realize this. Your website looks very interesting but i cant seem to get past the first page after i enter...is it me or a problem with the link? camigirl I fixed some of the formating of the page. Please try again, hopefully it will work for you now.

mistoferin -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 8:22:05 AM)
quote: I'm sure there will be tons of responses from other knowledgable Dominants on this thread in the end to help you along the way as well. I have read a lot of truth and wisdom in your words. I feel it is important for those of us who have hands on so-to-speak experience to share those experiences and perspectives with those who are new on this path. Not to tell them that this is the way the must do things...but to offer a perspective on what we have learned and found to be successful for ourselves. I would like to offer one submissives perspective. I certainly understand that it is not the view of all submissives....nor do I expect it to be. I am also certain that there are many things that others will not agree with and that is fine too. It is not meant to be a "How To" manual....merely an expression of the qualities in a Dominant that I personally find to be important to me and what my personal expectations of a Dominant are. I would hope that those who read it will see it for exactly that....one submissives view. If you see something that you feel is important to you and can incorporate it into your own personal dynamic...well then that is great. Take what you can and throw away the rest. I am not here however, to argue the points that you may disagree with....for it is not directed at you...it is just my personal view. Some will undoubtedly feel that I expect an awful lot from a Dominant and you would be right.....I do because I have a lot to offer in return. I wrote this a while back..... The role of a Dominant: (or how I perceive it to be) A Dominant is first and foremost someone who is responsible for themselves and has their own life under control. They have given much thought to their needs and desires. They have considered and understand the responsibility of their role and how it affects the life of those submissive to them. A Dominant has a responsibility to provide a safe environment, mentally, physically and to a degree, financially if the dynamic they seek calls for their submissive to be at their complete service and out of the workforce. They should nurture an environment where trust grows and understand that their interactions directly correlate to the level of trust established. A Dominant is responsible to nurture and encourage their submissive’s personal growth, help them to see the path around obstacles, encourage them to reach for their goals and assure them that they are capable of achieving them. They are responsible to help their submissive back up should they stumble and reassure them that as long as they continue to try, stumbling is not failure. They are responsible for recognizing their submissive’s achievements and providing feedback, praise and constructive criticism. A Dominant has a good ear for listening and should become a best friend, confidante, mentor and guide to their submissive. They should have shoulders that are available and arms that are safe. They should be open and receptive and provide an environment that encourages honest communication. They should be open-minded and non-judgmental. They should be considerate of their submissive’s feelings. A Dominant should base their decisions regarding their submissive on what is in the best interest of that submissive. They should be just as willing to say no as they are to say yes if that is what is ultimately best for that submissive. They should understand and be respectful of that submissive’s limitations, be it physical or emotional. They should never place their submissive in a position that could cause them harm in any way. A Dominant should understand the need of the submissive to please and they should provide and allow for circumstances for that submissive to meet that need. They should see the efforts of their submissive to do so and make sure that their submissive is given clear feedback on a job well done. They should not take their submissive’s service to them for granted. They should also provide specifics on what pleases them or the manner in which they would like to see certain things done if they have such preferences. They can not expect their submissive to read their mind and just know what they find pleasing. A Dominant is responsible for providing structure. The rules have to be made clear and concise and it is the responsibility of the Dominant to convey to their submissive what their expectations of them are. It is also the responsibility of the Dominant to provide discipline when there are clear instances of misconduct or failure to meet those expectations without valid reason. A Dominant is responsible to assure that discipline and punishment is thought out and that there is something to be learned from it….and also that it is not carried out in anger. It must be conveyed to the submissive that they are still loved and that their punishment is born of love and a desire for them to grow as a result of their mistakes. A Dominant should be able to love and cherish his submissive and be emotionally open enough to convey that to his submissive. They must understand that their submissive needs to feel loved, cherished and needed and they should make a conscious effort to be certain that those needs are met and that their submissive understands their worth and value in the relationship. A Dominant is responsible to learn his submissive, the way that their thought processes work, how they internalize things, their past baggage and how it possibly relates to their present. They are responsible to learn their reactions and mannerisms so that they can better assess what the capabilities of their submissive are, emotional and physical. It is the Dominant’s responsibility to pry open the mind and soul of their submissive and they should come to know their submissive inside and out. A Dominant is responsible to see to it that their submissive is taking care of their personal health and encourage them to participate in a healthful lifestyle. It is also the responsibility of the Dominant to care for the submissive in times of illness to the best of their ability and not allow their submissive to neglect her health and well being at those times in order to maintain the normal routines and chores. A Dominant is responsible to see to it that the submissive is meeting their sexual needs. They should be very clear in their expectations of the submissive. They are also responsible to see to it that the sexual needs of the submissive are being met. They should encourage very open communication of their fantasies and specific needs and they should also be willing to express to the submissive their own fantasies and needs. They should instruct the submissive in the precise ways that they enjoy. They are especially responsible for the physical and emotional safety of their submissive during BDSM play. They should learn their submissive’s body and their reactions to stimuli. They should be very intune to where their submissive is mentally and physically during a scene. They should provide required aftercare based upon the individual submissive’s needs and be certain that their submissive does not participate in activities that could cause them harm until they are fully coherent.

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 8:26:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: As for your preference to the sub who has it altogether and has no need for you but voluntary submission, I'd have to say you sound far more like the typical Top seeking a no fuss bottom. Vanilla by day, kinky player by night. And what would be wrong with that? Not everyone needs (or wants, or dreams of) total immersion in the lifestyle. I certainly don't. Why are people not allowed to enjoy the lifestyle without all of the "High Protocol"? I do not see the lifestyle as some exercise in psychology, as some way to make me a better and more complete person. It ain't a magic pill. The beauty (?) of the lifestyle is in finding a compatible person(s) to enjoy it with, without others judging what you are and what you do. There is nothing wrong with that. As I said before, that is simply a more Top/bottom dynamic. Nothing wrong with it at all. It simply doesn't fall under all the details relating to the more serious and intense dynamic that Dom/subs practice. They are different flavors of this lifestyle. You need to compare apples and apples, not apples and oranges. This post was started to help a new Dom, (not Top), to understand what a Dom is and what is expected of a Dom. I am not criticizing anyone's personal choices in the lifestyle. Just trying to educate new Dominants. If a new Top or potiential Master wishes to read and find their own flavor at a degree high or lower on the scale than I depict the Dominant more power to them. It's simply a learning tool.

Wildfleurs -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 9:10:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: B1gbear To start with, know your limitations and exercise patience. Any submissive will expect you know what your doing and can keep control over the dynamic by default. They will also assume you will know what is best for them and expect you not to endanger them mentally or physically. Make those assumptions and adjust the reality to where it really is each time you meet a sub. I kind of agree with this, but to be fair I don’t always expect my owner to know whats best for me unless I give him the information. So the thing that I think is missing (and perhaps its just because you are focusing on the dominant) is the importance of the submissive communicating where they are. quote: Wanting to play the dominant role in a sexual or scening situation is called being a Top versus the sub who wants to be dominated in a sexual or scening situation being called a bottom. Many in the S/M aspect only are Tops and bottoms. I’d agree with this broad brush except that you left out sadists and masochists and should probably touch on some of the other possible options (there are more options out there than just dominant, top, sadist). quote: Wanting to dominate a person in more than a single scene or the bedroom is referred to as being Dominant, the opposite being a submissive. This is because Dominance and submission includes the mental and psychological aspects of the lifestyle as well. I firmly believe 95% of the 'Power Exchange' dynamic is mental. If you own ones mind the body will eagerly follow. I hear that saying a lot and I do find it funny because with us my owner definitely conquered my body first and then took my heart and then my mind (or maybe it was my mind then my heart… it was all a blur). If this is for people brand new then you may want to take out the term Power Exchange. Personally I don’t like the term but more than that if it’s for new people you probably want to use simple language that they’ll understand and power exchange is more one of those BDSM jargons. quote: If you think its all about you, your not a Dom, your just another vanilla guy with a fantasy or the equivalent of a Preditor, if in fact your not one. If you can grasp that being a Dominant is about the emense responsibility for another person's body, mind and emotional well being, then you might just have the ability to take on that responsibility one day and not leave one or both of you emotionally hurt or damaged in the process. As an FYI, predator and immense are misspelled (assuming you were planning on publishing this somewhere). quote: Before ever taking a submissive in a power exchange relationship, expect that you will be spending your energy growing that sub emotionally with the goal of helping them reach their full potiential. This goal taking priority over your own wants should they conflict. It's called taking responsibility for another human being, not unlike raising children. I’ve heard that line of thinking and I tend to call it the caretaker model of dominance. To me it doesn’t resonate one bit. I’m accomplished woman which is something that my owner takes pride in and I am capable of assessing myself and working on things. In fact I see it as my responsibility to constantly improve and continue to be a valuable piece of property to my owner. quote: You better be able and ready to make the hard decisions, including punishment and the need to leave her upset or even mad at you, in the process of doing the right thing. On many occasions for me this meant telling the sub I was not the right Dom for her and ending the potiential relationship...for no other reason than knowing she would not grow and thrive under my control, (My personal interest or desire for her not a consideration). I agree that a dominant needs to be able to make the hard decisions, I also think they have to be comfortable with being selfish to some degree. I don’t think people are always comfortable getting their way, to some degree I think we are socialized to be equals in relationships and breaking out of that mold can be difficult for some people. Also, FYI potential was misspelled. quote: The last dynamic takes all from the Dom/sub dyanmic and takes it to the next level. A sub maintains the right to say now and define her own limitations in her service to the Dom. In a Master/slave dyanmic the power exchange is complete. Meaning the Dom who now carries the 'title' Master, take complete control over the slave's life, (usually 24/7, not to say Dom/sub isn't quite often 24/7)....and the slave gives over complete control, thus giving up her right to say no. In this becoming a true slave. She trusts completely in all the choices her Master makes. Believing completely that every choice he makes regarding her are in her best interest. She has no limits or boundries defined in the relationship. Does this mean you can do anything you want with the slave? Not really. Technically by the nature of the dyanmic yes, but by nature of the responsibility taken upon yourself, it is the Master's job to identify the slaves current limits and which she will grow through expanding them and which are best kept in place. I have to say I’m in a master/slave relationship and this doesn’t really describe it terribly well. I mean this is your article so it’s of course your perspective on master/slave dynamics, and its not that its completely wrong but with every sentence I find myself saying “yeah… but.” Also FYI – dynamic, boundaries are misspelled in this section. quote: All that said, consider my words and decide where in that structure you feel you are or wish to be. Consider the responsibilities of the level you crave and then focus on learning what you need to get there. Never be afraid to say you don't know. No one in this lifestyle knows everything, and most of us have far more to learn than we know already. Humility will show your ability to be honest with yourself. A critical trait if you want anyone to believe your being honest with them. It also shows your not insecure in who you are. Confidence is another attractive characteristic that special sub will be looking for in you. I agree with this. C~

happypervert -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 9:14:53 AM)
quote: As for your preference to the sub who has it altogether and has no need for you but voluntary submission, I'd have to say you sound far more like the typical Top seeking a no fuss bottom. Vanilla by day, kinky player by night. In other words, you're saying I'm not a "twue dominant" by your definition. I'd suggest you develop some more definitions that aren't limited by your high protocol view of the world. The problem with your argument is that you're assuming that the whole world conforms to your definitions and that means a submissive that doesn't want to be like a child in the rlationship isn't a twue submissive either. Furthermore the only difference being new would make for a submissive is that they may encounter attitudes such as yours so often at first they may actually believe it is the norm and feel they need to conform; this is only made worse by those that portray it as the one twue way. There is obviously a market for this "I'll help you reach your full potential" approach and I suppose it can actually seem true if a submissive believes it, but I see it as nothing more than mutual self-delusions. Such stuff sounds like it comes out of a Tony Robbins seminar, but even that comes from one recognizing the potential from within rather than having someone else do it. I know I'm far smarter than the typical guy and also have a far better understanding of psychology, and the notion that I could determine what somebody's self potential was and then systematically help her reach it seems ridiculous to me. However, I see that as following another bit of your advice though -- recognizing my own limitations; apparently that good piece of advice isn't followed as often as we'd like to believe.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 1:12:09 PM)
What evidence or qualifications do you offer to help your sub reach this "potential"? Granted, CHILDREN do not come with an instruction manual, but other adults come fully loaded with a lifetime of baggage and experience. Any special training, or just lots of opinions and experience? I am not picking on you personally here---just wondering what about you makes you so attractive to a sub that she will let you lead her along.

justheather -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 5:11:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: As for your preference to the sub who has it altogether and has no need for you but voluntary submission, I'd have to say you sound far more like the typical Top seeking a no fuss bottom. Vanilla by day, kinky player by night. In other words, you're saying I'm not a "twue dominant" by your definition. And wuv, twue wuv, will fowwow you fowevewr.....

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 6:04:18 PM)
Thank you for your comments and I don't disagree with much of anything you said. This was targeted to a brand new Dom giving him some starting point. Erroring to the cautious versus the mariad of variants that this lifestyle is comprised of. Your opinion is definately one of someone who has a fair amount of experience. Every Dom who reads this will eventually find his own flavor that works best for him.

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 6:21:00 PM)
quote: In other words, you're saying I'm not a "twue dominant" by your definition. I'd suggest you develop some more definitions that aren't limited by your high protocol view of the world. The problem with your argument is that you're assuming that the whole world conforms to your definitions and that means a submissive that doesn't want to be like a child in the rlationship isn't a twue submissive either. Furthermore the only difference being new would make for a submissive is that they may encounter attitudes such as yours so often at first they may actually believe it is the norm and feel they need to conform; this is only made worse by those that portray it as the one twue way. There is obviously a market for this "I'll help you reach your full potential" approach and I suppose it can actually seem true if a submissive believes it, but I see it as nothing more than mutual self-delusions. Such stuff sounds like it comes out of a Tony Robbins seminar, but even that comes from one recognizing the potential from within rather than having someone else do it. I know I'm far smarter than the typical guy and also have a far better understanding of psychology, and the notion that I could determine what somebody's self potential was and then systematically help her reach it seems ridiculous to me. However, I see that as following another bit of your advice though -- recognizing my own limitations; apparently that good piece of advice isn't followed as often as we'd like to believe. I think your forgetting that dispite the fact that there are a hundred different ways to practice every level of D/s from Top to Master and bottom to slave, this thread was meant with one purpose. To give brand new Tops/Doms/Masters the ground work in a safe, responsible manner a starting place and a simple and brief understanding of this lifestyle. Can I write a perspective that everyone will agree on? Absolutely not. But since I am the one who took the time to write this and 'attempt' to help those asking the questions, they got my perspective in a way I though they could easily understand and not run out and cause more problems than they solve. This is targeted to the typical newbie with their typical ideals and perceptions. I fully expect every last one of them to find their own flavor and do what they feel best for them in the end. Just as I expect every sub they encounter to have an impact on their perception and understanding. There was only one goal with this thread. To help those new to the lifestyle. I have no doubt that if you wrote this that I could play the devil's advocate and systematically tear every statement you make apart. Now is that furthering the goal of this thread or would that be destructive and confusing for the newbies reading it? I don't mind your challenges personally, but my time is valuable and although I try to address every comment directed to me I don't care to engage in banter back and forth over this any further. If you have constructive comments that are designed to help the new dom ...add them please. If you just want to be a critic and suggest I am narrow minded and wrong, then please save them. It doesn't make you look smart, it makes you took argumentative and like you need the last word. I just don't care to take this from what it was meant to be to a petty argument over personal preferences and beliefs.

B1gbear -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/17/2005 6:36:37 PM)
quote: What evidence or qualifications do you offer to help your sub reach this "potential"? Granted, CHILDREN do not come with an instruction manual, but other adults come fully loaded with a lifetime of baggage and experience. Any special training, or just lots of opinions and experience? I am not picking on you personally here---just wondering what about you makes you so attractive to a sub that she will let you lead her along. Very good question. Just like children and even more individually since adults do come loaded with their own baggage, minds and individual experiences that make each of us up, you have to look at each as if they are unique. Because they are! What goes into play with all that is consistant? Attitude for me....one of understanding that I don't know everything and spending as much time as possible learning about the sub...learning her mind and how she functions ...and why. You have to fully understand someone ...where they come from, where they are, where they want to be, and ultimately where they need to be. Understanding basic human psychology certainly helps. Being gifted in understanding people and being able to commmunicate well, able to draw information out of someone and being able to inspire trust are key as well and huge advantages. Many Doms are capable of this, many more are not. If your not, then having a resource to talk to when you are trying to sort out how to handle things is a good idea. Its about the most subjective thing you could possibly take on. Interpersonal skills, leadership ability and the ability to inspire trust and communication are the most important things you can possess to win the sub's trust. There is training that can be used to help condition the mind. This too is subjective....Not every sub will respond to the same training techniques. Some have their act pretty well together and just need to be able to trust you. They are quite capable of leading themselves in the right direction and exercising the self-discipline needed to get the results that are desired for both the Dom and sub. Some are in the middle and some just want to let go of their mind and be led to anywhere the Dom desires. I'd say the most important tools are patience, understanding, objective analysis, and some understanding of human psychology and the typical psychology behind this lifestyle. No one should expect any Dom to have all the answers or a PHD in submissive training. Understanding we are all human and doing our best to make our way is a good start. Understanding that every Dom will stumble just as the subs will is even better. Taking the time to build trust and earn the trust given is ultimately what gets you to a point where your sub will open her mind and give you control of it. (Providing she is a sub who wishes to let go of that much of herself.) Everyone is different.

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