lamortbleue
Posts: 9
Joined: 10/5/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: antipode
I think this is very presumptuous on your part, and it may even be insulting. You declare that there is something wrong with him, and then you intimate that you are entitled to this opinion because you love him. Are you his therapist?
You've been together for 6 years, and you are apparently trying to convert your relationship into a D/s dynamic. First of all, from the way you write, I think you have a tendency to read into signals and communications what is not there. I see few facts in your writing, other than that you spent a weekend in a hotel.
You need to first of all get off your high horse. This is the horse that wants you to "encourage him". You can't change other people, and you must assume, out of respect, that your partner is where he wants to be. You then need to accept that he is who he is, and work within that knowledge to understand yourself better.
You may not be submissive. You scheme (here), you are very likely manipulative, you are not getting what you want.... follow my drift? I would suggest you look at your own functioning, figure out what it is you are unhappy with, and begin by finding ways within yourself to fix that.
Then, you sit with your partner, explain what you've done, and ask him to tell you what it is he wants, ultimately, and going forward. And as you are a submissive, or think you are, you then live by that.
Your other alternative is to go out and find the man you want. They're out there. But don't come here and pretend you're working on your relationship when all you exhibit is full and complete selfishness, I have no sympathy for manipulators. You may well reap what you sow, anyway, your partner won't enjoy being manipulated, he is not a submissive (or is he?).
Perhaps I haven't articulated myself very clearly, that has always been my down fall in writing even to this day in college. I have a tendency to leave out very important details. Let me clarify a few things. First, I try very very hard in life to never assume things because in reality it gets nothing accomplished in any state. Where i may have gone wrong in my wording is that i should be more descriptive of his statements within our discussions. WE have discussed the change in our 6 year relationship to something WE both want. He has expressed emotions of being uncomfortable with the role shift, no matter how much he desires it. It is more then just spanking it is the entire realm of dominating that creates pockets of thought for him (his own words). He is fearful of hurting me or taking his control to far which is understandable due to so many horror stories and the ingrained notion that because i have breasts and a vagina i'm as fragile as thin glass. And yes he has clearly stated his concerns of how fragile he assumes me to be, both physically and mentally.
As for not being submissive. I haven't always been, for the majority of our relationship I was the dominate partner, even though that was not what i wanted. Here is where the assumptions got the best of us, I was dominate because i thought that was what he desired, and yes he does want a strong and independent woman but he desires control (does that make sense?). He allowed the dominance because he was afraid to admit that he wanted control, and not just basic control. I'm sure you understand how it must feel to admit your dominance for the first time, even to yourself. It's more then just the sexual nature of dominance that causes his constant pondering on the area, it is the basic questions of, "what is to much or not enough?".
So perhaps to reiterate my questions with more detail. I want to know how to encourage his desires of dominance without feeling (notice how i state "feeling" rather then "being", because that is what this is...MY feelings) overly pushy and somewhat dominate. How do I, as a good and respectful submissive, show him that it is ok for him to be concerned while he is learning to accept this side of himself. How should I present myself in a fashion that shows him what the lifestyle would be like in a 24/7 setting so to give him a good example without feeling as though i am overwhelming him?
One weekend of fun corresponding with many conversations of what WE have both been seeking from the other secretly is a far different realm then breaking ones upbringing of how one should "properly" treat women in ANY circumstance. It is also far from the realms of actions, words are loud and mighty but even fear new situations can keep the loudest man quiet.
Though, you could have a point at the end of your comment...perhaps he truly is a submissive and this is just a passing desire for him. Would i leave him for that...nope. The man I want is him and will always be him, and if that means I would have to go without my desires of living and sharing this lifestyle with him, then "vanilla" here I come. As for your comment of, "But don't come here and pretend you're working on your relationship when all you exhibit is full and complete selfishness, I have no sympathy for manipulators." Though you do not have to beleive me, i do not pretend, that would just be stupid of me in many ways. As for being selfish, we are ALL selfish to various degrees, that is within our nature. And as for your sympathy, i didn't ask for any ones sympathy, therefore you can keep yours. Which in all honesty i feel you lack even the basic forms of human sympathy since it seems your intent was to thrash me verbally when all i was attempting was to gain simple suggestions on how i could encourage my loved ones desires without feeling certain ways.
Alas, this is the internet and a majority of people are right to assume one thing over an other...It is nearly impossible for us to gauge emotions or understand the depth of someones words without body language.
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