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I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 6:07:22 PM

SweetEscravo

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Joined: 12/17/2005
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I think I have a unique situation right here. I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom. Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working towards deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appriciated.

Post #: 1

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 6:19:08 PM

anopheles

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Joined: 6/23/2005
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I don't think your situation is really all that unusual. The best advice that I can give you is find resources for you Dom to learn from, and encourage him to find them on his own. That way, he will able to find out if he really wants to be a Dom or not, and also, he can figure out what sort of Dom that he wants to be. Along the way, you help him by helping to be the kind of submissive that HE wants you to be. Being a Dom in the beginning can be difficult, especially if you are in a previously established relationship, but nothing is impossible.

Luvdragon and I were in a plain jane vanilla marriage for over a decade, then she had a Dom outside of our marriage, and now the Dom is me, and it's working out just peachy.

Good luck, and hang in there,
Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 2

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 6:19:42 PM

mnottertail

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Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
I think I have a unique situation right here. I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom.

I am not going to ramble on, but I am gonna tell you that although this is not exactly what everyone else is doing, it isn't truely rare.

So, number one thing, don't feel alone in the world.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 3

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 6:52:04 PM

B1gbear

Posts: 81
Joined: 5/7/2004
Status: offline

I have RT friends who were in exactly the same situation. My best advice is for your Dom to find a Dom mentor. By the nature of how he got into the lifestyle you are in the teacher role and the result if you mean it or not is that you teach him to Dom you the way you wish him to. Now since what you need from him as the Dom is not always what you want, you have a natural conflict of interest there. Also it become difficult for him to be the 'Dom' when you are doing the teaching (aka leading) of the dynamic between you both. Not that it can't be done, but it does make for some natural difficulties. An outside mentor for him will make it much easier for him to find his place with you and take the place you both want him to have in your relationship. He need objectivity and a Dom's perspective, not just 'his' submissives subjective perspective.

Best of luck to you both :O)

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 4

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 7:34:43 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Think about it this way: You are the one who is serving him and the relationship by teaching and growing in this way.

Talk to him about the ways you are in control and how you perhaps can see him taking more of the obvious lead. This is NOT you simply taking control in another way, it's communicating your needs and wants. Sure it's lovely to have a guy yank you down on your knees- but especially for newbies, they have to LEARN how and when is a good time to do that and become comfortable in it themselves.

Best way to do that is for you to TELL him.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 5

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 7:44:12 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

This is the way my Owner's and my situation started too.

It seems, sometimes, like I'm topping, but as we work on making it better and better for us, I'm realizing that I'm facilitating his ability to control, which, to me, is another kind of service.

The way we handle it is that I am allowed to offer any information I have, but he tells me to stop when he's tired of hearing it, or if it's an inapropriate time.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 8:42:49 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Of course it isn't that unusual, at least in d/s relationships, that the sub is more experienced.

- Give him a place he can go without you being there. have him go to bondage.com or some other message board, with a promise that you won't visit, and then he can ask simple things without embarrassment or worrying what you'll think.

- You are not TELLING him what to do, you're sharing with him and he's making the decision whether or not to do something, when to do it and how. That's very different from you being in control. Subs have ideas and suggestions, but that doesn't mean they're topping from the bottom.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 7

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 10:10:50 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Sooner or later your Dom will end up saying "No, we're not going to do it this way. Instead, we'll first do a quicky. You clean the kitchen while I eat a quick snack and watch ESPN highlights. Then I'll inspect the kichen and punish you for every spot I find followed by whatever else I want to do for the rest of the night."

Here is something you could try.

Start being more submissive. By that I mean "Hello Sir, how may I service you today?" Give more back rubs, dinners, and blow jobs. Have breakfast and coffee ready every morning. It'll start making him feel more dominant. Give him the opprotunity to start being creative. Ask him "What are you going to do with me tonight?" If you get the "I don't know" just intoduce him a few web sites and say "I know you'll figure out something."

One thing to point out is that you've introduced him to something that pleases you. So in essence he's giving it a try to please you rather than just wanting to be a Dom that's into the whole BDSM thing. The real trick is to start having him like the life style as well. Not just because you're happiness makes him happy but that he enjoys it for his own gratification as well. When he spanks, flogs, or ties you up ask "You like controlling me don't you?"

Reasurance is one of the best things you can give him. "Yes I want to be treated like this." "No, I may not like all of it, but it's what I need and it's not going to do permenant harm to me." Most starting out Doms and Sadist will begin with simple functions. They question "Is this to tight or not tight enough?" "Isn't this belt going to hurt the one I love?" In someways it's like teaching someone to have sex so that they please the other person as well. People start off with confidence issues. You can also think of it as first, second, third, and home run. First base is some dirty talk and aggressivness. 2nd would be blind folds and light bondage. 3rd includes spanking, floging, and order. Home base , well let's say it's the final package of Orders, Punishment, Needles/Electricity, Full Length Bull Whips, and complete Dominance with complete confidence. Keep giving him the "Your way right away" motto and I garuntee that he'll start demanding it his way right away. For some it just takes time to build confidence for him to have his role and knowing how much you can take.

Instead of you yourself teaching him, see if he'll be open to meeting other doms and possibley couples for him to ask questions to. This way he'll be getting advice from others and be able to supprise with a Dominating Order without having to ask for your thoughts or approval.

As I see, your relationship is on the right track. It's just going to take more time and confidence building to make it what you are asking for. The good news is that it's going to get there.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 12/17/2005 10:14:09 PM >

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 8

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 11:05:54 PM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Yes, Ive had a situation exactly like this. Though my dom was completely genuine, I was the more academic one when it related to our kink. A few times when he told me something contradictory to the lifestyle norm, Ive had to bite my tounge not to correct him. If he wants to learn more, cool, and I agree with obis here and let him do it by himself. If he is not really into learning the history thats okay too, maybe he already knows exactly what kind of dom he is. It was hard for me at first, I was new to the lifestyle and wanted to learn all I could, and so submitting to someone not quite as knowledgeable was a bit of a challenge. But once I let go and got it through my mind that his word is gold, regardless of what anyone else says or what I read in books or on message boards things worked out just fine.

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 9

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/17/2005 11:55:08 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Fangs, that is quite possibly the best post of yours I've ever read.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 10

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/18/2005 2:19:56 AM

krys

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/24/2005
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He may want to check out Greenery Press. There are a number of good books there.

_____________________________

Krys

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 11

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/18/2005 6:39:07 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I agree with B1gbear--as well as LA---you can be an excellent teacher, but spending time with another Dom is good as well----as long as two things happen--(1)--the mentor is a good One, someone who has mentored before--so your Master doesn't come home one day and become "Freddy"--and (2) he realizes he needs to adapt what he sees and learns to what is comfortable to Him, you and the dynamic Y/you are building---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to B1gbear)

Post #: 12

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/18/2005 7:16:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716
A few times when he told me something contradictory to the lifestyle norm, Ive had to bite my tounge not to correct him.

A tip: Every dominant goes against lifestyle norm on a regular basis.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 13

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/18/2005 11:13:47 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Switch.
You may not want to, but do it anyway. For 24 hours!
Dominate his ass. Control him, manipulate him, order him, show him the Dominance that you expect from him. Take things that you would like him to do and exhibit toward you and do it to him....as an example, a learning tool.
After 24 hours of whoopin ass, ordering him around, humiliating him, penetrating him in ways that make him humble....Say, "O.K., now your turn. Be the Dom I know you can be and I will never top you again."
He'll pick up the pace.........trust me!

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/18/2005 5:41:43 PM

SweetEscravo

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

Wow...thank you everyone. I never expected so many answers to my problem so quickly! I feel a lot more confident and am getting ready to try some of these out. Thanks so much!

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 15

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 4:59:37 AM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

No, you are definietly NOT unique. Seems to be a definite trend for female subs to be "rolling their own" Doms today. From what I've seem, it only works in a minority of the situatons. This lifestykle is something you have to WANT. Converting someone is an iffy proposition.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 16

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 8:24:39 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I think I have a unique situation right here. I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom. Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working towards deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appriciated.

no your situation is not unique.... rather common actually

as far as advice.... I will give you alittle caution of reality..... Your "Man: turned Dom is going to make this choice for one of two reasons. The first reason is to be please you. He will learn everything you show him, provide for him... what your basically doing is giving him the fish instead of letting him learn to fish. He will even go fishing with you.... but self-motivation will be rare... and when you think it is occuring... it really is an Extrinsic Motivation where He doing it to give you what you want.... Now this can work for some... But if you as a submissive feel something is missing... this will always be why... His motivation to travel this path is an extrinsic motivation and not a intrinsic one. He has to do it for Him First!

The second choice is the instrinsic choice.... his choice is that it please him to travel this path and if you stay in his life or not... he will still follow this path! He will be driven to learn to fish on his own... he will seek your opinion and thoughts...but you will see examples of instrinsic motivation when he brings new ideas or thoughts to the table... things that you two have not had discussion. Be very careful here. Sometimes giving your opinion can be dangerous.... is he doing it because of you postive responses or is he not doing it because of your negative responses? In some ways the things he does that are against your own thoughts and opinions are actaully examples of him exerting his personal Dominance. If there is to be Dominance there must be submission... you traveling along a path where everything is what you want to do... is NOT Submission nor is it Dominance. When you start to feel on occassions that you are doing things that you not to keen on and your doing them when he knows your opinion is somewhat negative on the idea... well then you both have succeeded to get the ball rolling.... Then it is a question of having a proper D/s balance..... Not everything is going to be D/s interactions... you will need to do things you both enjoy.. you will do things that is for him... and you will do things that are for you and you will do things that have to be done..... finding the right percentage that provides a contentment in the relationship and still feel that D/s dynamic is tricky.

I wish you luck

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 17

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 8:36:11 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

Wonderful and insightful posts!!!

I enjoyed all of them and that is a first for me.

Because they were all so insightful I do not feel compelled to add anything!

WOW! A speechless Domme ... what a concept <EG>

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 12:04:48 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

i agree with MisHarlet, i cant post anything that has not already been said. Wonderful responses~ Good Luck SweetEscravo!

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 19

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 2:16:43 PM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working towards deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appriciated.

Sorry to break this to you.. But its not got a damned thing to do with education. Its got to do with who and what HE is.. You either ARE or you are NOT. No amount of education can give you that. Being a Master is in yoru blood, or it is not. I DO believe because of the "natural order" (see thread in Gorean Lifestyles) (Nice plug?) that he can be awakened.. mentored.. brought BACK.. but its either in him or not.
He either hears the drums of old, or he does not.

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 20

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