Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 5:55:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		JD, yes. But not in the sense of looser boundaries. They're firmer now than before. I am more self aware of what is and is not in my best interests. All of which he knows about. So demands that violate my health; physical, mental or emotional, are not going to be accepted.

However if he were to decide to make fundamental changes to the dynamic without the decency of discussing it with me, then it would only be my fault for not having seen this kind of selfishness in him, for wanting to believe a lie. However once confronted with the reality, that he didn't care about doing deliberate damage or harm to me, I would have no choice but to walk.

Thankfully, I'm sufficiently self aware that I haven't lied to myself about who he really is. And he would never change the dynamic from monogamous to poly and btw the new girl is moving in tomorrow because he knew from the beginning that I can't go there. And he's sufficiently self aware to not go around lying to himself that my no means yes.

But I suppose one of the problems in this discussion is what would fit into the definition of changing the dynamic. For me that includes opening the relationship, going poly, or either of us switching roles. As much as I love him, if he came home tomorrow and announced from now on I had to be the domme and top him with pain, I couldn't go there. I'm not at all dominant and I cannot hurt people. There are things I cannot do and those I would call fundamental changes to the dynamic. Since from the beginning he's always said he won't harm me, if he came home and announced he wanted to break my arm I couldn't consent to that either.

Thankfully I don't have to endure cries of fake or wannabe because I've never aspired to being a slave. I'm submissive, but my own wellbeing comes first, I'm selfish like that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 6:24:01 AM   
rabinyaZharovna


Posts: 106
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		My Master has made very few promises to me.  I like it that way because I know that the few he has made are worth gold. I also know that he is a man who takes giving his word extremely seriously. One of the fee promises he made me was that he would always do what was best for the relationship, not what was best for him, or for me, but for he relationship... that he would not allow something to come into play that would jeopordize the relationship. So he may decide that he wants to try this this or that... and it may be something that could change some dynamic within, but he does so slowly... evaluating along the way how it seems to affect me, or him, thus how it effects the relationship. If it seems to be something that will have a negative effect, he reexamines the idea. I agree also with what... I think it was Desfip, that said it... I was careful about who I signed on with...  same example she used: I know I could not ever switch and I know that isn't something he would ever have an interest in, therfor it is something that would be a fundamental change to the entire dynamic, yet one that isn't even an issue for us. I knew in being collared I would give up all decisions, choices, and voting rights... so I was very certain I was handing all to a man I could trust with that... because things do change, things I would have said I couldn't do before, I do now, and happily, but that's because of how he brought it in, and the genuiness of the promise made to protect the relationship.
rz{Ph0enixF1re}

_____________________________

In making me nothing, He makes me everything

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 6:46:01 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Like agirl, I am the same person I was five years ago, or twentyfive years ago. Nothing is going to change my core personality. My moral values are more codified, not less. I am more sure of which things will harm me and have better boundaries.

Him coming home and saying "no more ice cream in this house" is a demand I can live with. Him coming home and demanding things that are violations of my morals or boundaries or will harm me are not demands I can abide. And he already knows that. So if he came home and demanding I allow violations and harm, what he really would be saying is that he wants the relationship to end. In which case I would think a lot less of him for being passive aggressive about it instead of saying it just isn't working for him anymore.


bingo. What constitutes "violations and harm" can certainly be adjusted given patience and persistence, but in the end, commands which are perceived that way by the sub are simply a way to drive the sub away. I can only see three possibilities in such cases:

a) The dom just plain doesn't care. OK, enough said about that, leave him.
b) The dom is a poor leader. Tough one, the sub is going to need to decide what to do.
c) The dom wants her gone and is playing passive aggressive. Again, no issue here, leave him.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 7:57:08 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

Here's my view and experiences on the matter!  A smart Dominant will consider the impact of any new changes on the relationship.   It can either improve or cause added stress to the relationship.  Basically, a Dominant should be in touch with the impact it will have upon their submissive partner. 
Exactly what I was thinking. People sometimes get so caught up in the "I'm the Master" and "slaves have no right" mantra, that they forget that s D/s relationship is still just a relationship. Just because I'm submissive doesn't mean that I signed up to be miserable for the rest of my life. I would hope that a "D" type in a committed, long term relationship would stop, think, then discuss the impact with the other person in that dynamic.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 8:25:58 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

We covered that already.  "wheather you realize it or not"  You agree that life is constanly changing and yet you don't agree that your "root" doesn't evolve as well.  That just does not make sense.

BadOne


I understand "root" to be one's core - the "essence" that makes up a person. Sure we evolve and adapt through life, but the basics of who we are tends to remain fairly constant. I've gone through immeasurable change in the last few years, but there are basic parts of me that will likely never change: my silliness, my dorkiness, my passion, my love of music, etc. I understand the nature of this thread to be talking about sudden major changes that were unexpected.


I get what root means.  I don't understand how ppl can agree that life is constantly changing but not their root or otherwise.  Major unexpected changes happen all the time.  Death, divorce, war, accidents, 911  and you think that has not change you???  You may become more or less silly dorky passionite.  ehh some ppl will never get it.

BadOne


I think you're splitting hairs here. The part of my post you bolded: "sudden major changes that were unexpected" was said as it relates to a person's personality or set of rules. That's what the OP was about. Hell yes I personally made very significant changes after an extremely emotionally trying two year period. Of course I feel differently about things, and respond differently than I did before. Of course I changed. But I evolved into those changes. I didn't come home to my partner one day and, out of the blue, said "We're going to shake things up and do everything completely different". THAT is the essence of what the OP is asking about.

Kind of like my former master contacting me to say "My wife doesn't like the idea of my having a slave anymore, so as of today, everything changes."

SailingBum, usually I'm the one who has trouble in conversation because I tend to be too literal. I think you surpass me there!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 10:37:57 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Maybe it might help to address the question if you give some actual examples of what you are asking about.

Change happens.  Sometimes we don't like the change and sometimes we do.  How it is dealt with is more important to me than whether it is something I do or do not like. 

Personally, I think anyone is fully within their bounds to impose whatever changes or demands they want on their relationships.  It is then up to their partners to decide to accept those changes/demands or not. 

Knight's Kyra


I'm with Kyra on this.

Anyone in the relationship can try and impliment changes or demand changes. It's totally up to the partner or partners to stay and accept it or not accept it and leave.

That works with any kind of major change.

For little changes well hell they happen over time in order to cope with the ever changing world.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 10:40:43 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		mmm yes.. I see now what you mean

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 12:47:25 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		This is where I step in on this discussion.....I have enjoyed it up until now but then I have not reached page 3 yet. persephonee your assumption is totally incorrect!! 
quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i think by your choice of words you have already answered the question....by using words like imposed and selfish...and without any particulars, i can only assume that your dominant has given a directive that you cant get behind....what happened?


Obviously you are attempting to impose your incorrect ass -umptions that I have a problem and I want an answer.
You did not read the disclaimer?Disclaimer:  I have been reading, as of late, all across the boards and know there are past posts on this topic, but with all the newer influx of folk...I am gonna post on this topic again. 
 I do not air problems in my relationship with Sir publically.  That is a direct demand, I have obeyed since 3/07.

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 12:54:27 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

This is where I step in on this discussion.....I have enjoyed it up until now but then I have not reached page 3 yet. persephonee your assumption is totally incorrect!! 
quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i think by your choice of words you have already answered the question....by using words like imposed and selfish...and without any particulars, i can only assume that your dominant has given a directive that you cant get behind....what happened?


Obviously you are attempting to impose your incorrect ass -umptions that I have a problem and I want an answer.
You did not read the disclaimer?Disclaimer:  I have been reading, as of late, all across the boards and know there are past posts on this topic, but with all the newer influx of folk...I am gonna post on this topic again. 
 I do not air problems in my relationship with Sir publically.  That is a direct demand, I have obeyed since 3/07.

sheeesh...calm down!


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 1:07:45 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		One thing I read a few days ago made so much sense and I dont know what said it or on what thread but it was, but after I have rehashed the comment and internalized it, now making it mine... I can either choose to go through life making reactionary or intentional responses.  I am really gonna give the intentional a conscious option.Here it goes ................ 
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
I really can't believe a so called adult posed a quesiton like this.    Is the OP getting my drift?  I have no clue how "corwaredly" fits into this.
BadOne


Your derogatroy remark will not belittle my self esteem in anyway.  This adult knows exactly what she asked and why she asked it.  Your remarks are spiteful.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 1:41:18 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		WhiplashSmile2 stated:A smart Dominant will consider the impact of any new changes on the relationship.   It can either improve or cause added stress to the relationship.  Basically, a Dominant should be in touch with the impact it will have upon their submissive partner. ThundersCry stated:It depends upon the demand and what my motives....are. 
  Will it harm her emotionally, mentally, physically and above all...spititually...To violate someone in those areas I will...not. 
  Its not always about....me, and Lord have mercy on me if I ever think it...is...
AquaticSub stated: So after serious discussion, we changed our relationship to suit the new needs of the people in it. catize stated:Both D’s know me well enough to identify areas where a discussion would facilitate any changes.   DesFIP stated:Him coming home and demanding things that are violations of my morals or boundaries or will harm me are not demands I can abide. And he already knows that. rabinyaZharovna stated: One of the fee promises he made me was that he would always do what was best for the relationship, not what was best for him, or for me, but for he relationship  sirsholly  I will not "calm down" when I make an intention and not a reactionary comment.  Best to you !! She is wrong I called her on it.  I do think it is SailingBum who "should" calm down since he just keeps rambling to make his point known and he made spiteful derogatory comments. The responses above are the kind I was wanting to know existed.I stated in the OP that their are threads talking about trust, respect and honest communication and then again read other threads where the dom/me impose a change in dynamic, such as poly, without reference to the needs, desires or wants of the submissive involved. Not all relationships are built on contracts or negotiations.But all relationships are built upon some form of communication, trust, respect and honesty about how the relationship will progress.If thrown off that dynamic, by an imposed demand by the dominant (and yes possibly even the submissive), I just wanted to understand if people thought it was selfishness or disrespect. I am not in a relationship where the Dom makes all choices just because he is Dom. We are more like the first 6 quoted above. I could never have a relationship that is built upon a list of "whatevers" in a negotiated contract.  There is too much potential for change and variables, situations and circumstances that will define the tomorrows.

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 3:05:17 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		ahem....
i completely forgot about this thread today...imagine my surprise when i come back and see all this red ink screaming at me....i believe that i asked you what happened...as in, your choice of words indicated a negative thing that "happened" and that you were wondering if anyone else in the world had experience with dynamic changing issues...i apologise wholeheartedly for apparently misreading your excessively tiny and bright red message of hope and peace.

have a great evening...and perhaps you should consider a baby aspirin...once a day...to thin the blood so as you dont stroke out on us....we'd miss ya!

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/7/2008 5:00:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If thrown off that dynamic, by an imposed demand by the dominant (and yes possibly even the submissive), I just wanted to understand if people thought it was selfishness or disrespect.
 
Okay, this here is the crux of the discussion.

Yes, I think it is selfish and disrespectful to demand to throw off the dynamic as opposed to realizing that your partner probably will have huge difficulties with you suddenly changing the direction you've been going in.

It is not selfish nor disrespectful to come home and tell them how you feel, that you have unfulfilled needs he/she needs to be aware of, and to ask how they feel about such needs.

Most relationships have implied contracts; how you treat each other, whether monogamous or not, how often you will indulge your partner's interests in something that bores you to death, etc. Because that courtesy toward your partner, that caring about their happiness is essential if a relationship will last. By walking in and making a radical change to the dynamic, ripping out those implied promises without caring how your partner feels about it is rude and selfish.

I like dominants, I don't like bad boys. Men who think that being rude, disrespectful and selfish do not fall into my category of dominant males. They fall into the category of adolescent, rebellious boys even if they're 40 year old.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 3:38:18 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

If the dominant suddenly imposes a new demand upon the submissive which changes the dynamic of the situation and relationship



Tough, old world, ain't it.

The onus is on you to set your stall out and accept nothing less. People evolve; ideas and perceptions change. Either accept the new rules, or walk away. 'You think life is plain sailing? I agree that you can expect to know where you stand, but you can't expect a partner to remain stuck in the same mode into eternity.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 4:02:10 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

Not all relationships are built on..........negotiations.



This statement seems misguided. Surely any agreement involves a negotiation of values.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 11/8/2008 4:03:51 AM >

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 8:05:37 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

If M made *selfish* demands that changed the relationship fundamentally, he wouldn't BE the person I had come to expect and who I had grown to trust.

It's all very well to say, *the dom is going to do what he pleases even if the sub doesn't like it*. Well, yes......that's the case in my relationship.......But I didn't link up with someone that is likely to change our situation on a huge scale in some ridiculous way for a *cos I'm dominant* type of reason.

agirl


But that isn't what I was addressing, agirl.  I was addressing the idea...as proposed by the OP in a vague manner...that the dominant making changes within the dynamic without "consulting" the submissive first shows a lack of respect for both the dynamic and the submissive.

For myself, I believe that a "big" idea like suddenly going from monogamy to poly-play is something that needs to be discussed and is not a likely candidate for unilateral imposition by the dominant.  Telling my submissive that instead of her bowing her head to me when I get home, I now want her to kneel is not something I would necessarily feel the need to discuss with my partner and yes, it WOULD be a change I feel I could make "because I can".  I would have reasons behind it as I usually do behind most of what I do...but even if I did not have any other reason other than I can...it is not a big enough change to the dynamic that I would have to explain myself.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 8:12:15 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		~FR~
 
I haven't readthe entire thread butmy 2cents for what it's worth
 
Everything evolves and changes. Things would get pretty stagnant if they didn't. I welcome changes to a dynamic, they keep me on my toes and always improving.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 8:40:20 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

If M made *selfish* demands that changed the relationship fundamentally, he wouldn't BE the person I had come to expect and who I had grown to trust.

It's all very well to say, *the dom is going to do what he pleases even if the sub doesn't like it*. Well, yes......that's the case in my relationship.......But I didn't link up with someone that is likely to change our situation on a huge scale in some ridiculous way for a *cos I'm dominant* type of reason.

agirl


But that isn't what I was addressing, agirl.  I was addressing the idea...as proposed by the OP in a vague manner...that the dominant making changes within the dynamic without "consulting" the submissive first shows a lack of respect for both the dynamic and the submissive.

For myself, I believe that a "big" idea like suddenly going from monogamy to poly-play is something that needs to be discussed and is not a likely candidate for unilateral imposition by the dominant.  Telling my submissive that instead of her bowing her head to me when I get home, I now want her to kneel is not something I would necessarily feel the need to discuss with my partner and yes, it WOULD be a change I feel I could make "because I can".  I would have reasons behind it as I usually do behind most of what I do...but even if I did not have any other reason other than I can...it is not a big enough change to the dynamic that I would have to explain myself.


Hi CD,

My post wasn't in response to yours, I just happened to click on the nearest 'reply' button. I think it's clear from my post that my thoughts probably run along the same lines as yours, in any case, so I don't see any obvious conflict from what I posted.

agirl

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 8:51:55 AM   
Opalescence


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Disclaimer:  I have been reading, as of late, all across the boards and know there are past posts on this topic, but with all the newer influx of folk...I am gonna post on this topic again.  With all the talk of relationships lately and how they work with respect and communication but then I still read talk about a dominant is gonna do as he pleases even if the submissive doesnt like it ..... If the dominant suddenly imposes a new demand upon the submissive which changes the dynamic of the situation and relationship, just because he is dominant, how is this respect for1) the submissive 2) the relationship or 3) even him/herself. Isn't this more of an inconsiderate cowards way of selfishness?


Within my own personal preferences, the man I would call Master would be very, very, very selfish. He doesn't owe me any respect and the relationship is whatever he deems it to be. He makes the rules and they are subject to change at his whim.

From your post OP, I think that's a very negative way to approach things. Why not instead look at it this way; I chose to submit to this person, I trust him/her and his/her actions. If they change the dynamic, so what? Have you not surrendered in the first place? If it's something you do only in the bedroom that's one thing but, if you choose to truly submit (never mind the labels of submissive/slave) then why shouldn't you trust their judgment on changing things?



(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic - 11/8/2008 9:35:04 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant


But that isn't what I was addressing, agirl.  I was addressing the idea...as proposed by the OP in a vague manner...that the dominant making changes within the dynamic without "consulting" the submissive first shows a lack of respect for both the dynamic and the submissive.

For myself, I believe that a "big" idea like suddenly going from monogamy to poly-play is something that needs to be discussed and is not a likely candidate for unilateral imposition by the dominant.  Telling my submissive that instead of her bowing her head to me when I get home, I now want her to kneel is not something I would necessarily feel the need to discuss with my partner and yes, it WOULD be a change I feel I could make "because I can".  I would have reasons behind it as I usually do behind most of what I do...but even if I did not have any other reason other than I can...it is not a big enough change to the dynamic that I would have to explain myself.


So basically what you're saying is...."it depends."

I tend to agree with that, but, it depends.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Imposing changes on a dynamic Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094