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Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 10:40:33 AM   
jenny722


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a new sub, have been interested in the scene for a while, but haven't ever actually played anything out irl.  A few months ago I met a Dom online that I've gotten incredibly close with, and we actually did meet once, in public (no play involved, although he did press me against the wall to kiss me which was unexpected).  While this meeting definitely excited me, I'm finding myself incredibly apprehensive to meeting with him again, as I know that he wants a "play date" the next time.  He's controlled me via phone and online before, and I do trust him.  Anytime I think about actually submitting to him though, I'm overcome by overwhelming fear and anxiety.  I try to remind myself how well he knows me from our previous conversations, and I'm not even that worried about the act itself - I'm just worried about the aftermath.  I"m in a relationship with someone who's pretty vanilla, and the Dom knows this.  And I d on't feel I can tell her (my gf) that I want this man to dominate me.  But I'm worried that there will be marks which she may see.  I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her and 2.because maybe I'll like him and want him to myself (which isn't possible - he's in a long-term open relationship, plus distance).

Why am I spewing this story here? Because I feel so alone and scared in this.. I don't know what to do.  I don't want him to think that I don't want to submit to him, because if I ever trusted someone enough to submit, it would certainly be him. I just want to know I'm not alone maybe.. That its always this scary before you've experienced it?

Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 10:52:35 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		((hugs)))

I know you feel alone but you aren't.

Don't play before you are ready to.

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 10:52:55 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jenny722
I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her



In my opinion, everything else is irrelevant until you resolve this part.  Nothing good can come of sneaking around on someone that is important to you.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:01:20 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		If you are apprenhensive you probably have reason to be. Trust takes time to build, if you feel apprehensive about him then the trust obviously isn't there yet for you. That's no one's fault, that's just how things work.
Secondly, if you feel there is a moral conflict, then there is, don't compromise yourself or your loyalty to your gf just to jump into a new experience.

Lots of Dom's in the ocean ect ect. Maybe this one will remain friends with you and some day when you're ready you can explore further. If he's any kind of considerate individual, he'll appreciate you being honest with him instead of forcing yourself to something that will cause grief or misery.

(in reply to CalifChick)
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RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:05:51 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah...what Cali said.

And from what youre describing, it seems more like a scene or session than honest submission. If thats what you want to do, get permission from your partner to do so.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to jenny722)
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RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:09:44 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated!


posts regarding cheating generally get a lot of negative attention, so be prepared for a lot of "cheater's suck!!!" or "cheating is evil!" responses that don't really address the question you raise.

quote:

...I just want to know I'm not alone maybe.. That its always this scary before you've experienced it?...


some find submission, or even bottom-ing scary, some find it exciting, for some it is a struggle and a challenge to submit or bottom, for others, it's a struggle and a challenge NOT to.

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:10:33 AM   
jenny722


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

If you are apprenhensive you probably have reason to be. Trust takes time to build, if you feel apprehensive about him then the trust obviously isn't there yet for you. That's no one's fault, that's just how things work.
Secondly, if you feel there is a moral conflict, then there is, don't compromise yourself or your loyalty to your gf just to jump into a new experience.



The thing is.. I've cheated before. Not just physically, but completely fell in love with a man. And.. I don't think I'd have a moral conflict with sleeping with that man again, because I've already done it.. and my feelings for him are so strong. But the truth is, I haven't slept with that man, or any man in 8+ months.  She trusts me, and I don't want to betray her. At the same time though, the thought of submitting turns me on. It gets me going, and I want to try  it out. And this Dom.. the relationship I've built with him, all of that seems right. And that's the thing - he is a great friend. What I'd consider to be one of my best friends at this point. And as a Dom, I dont want to disappoint him. ... SO confused .

Thank you all though - for your input.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:14:20 AM   
jenny722


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline 		.. I feel like a complete idiot after re-reading my posts. Like I'm playing in something I should just not be in. I don't know.. I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time.

The thing is.. whether I have a scene with him or not, regardless of what I've done in my past, I'm always morally conflicted. I am a wreck in and of myself. Sorry.

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:18:20 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		No need to apologize for being confused, at least you're thinking about it before you act upon it.
What you decide to do, and what you are okay with doing, is ultimately up to you. Taking time to think it through first, is no crime at all, no one should condemn you for that.

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:30:42 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		the nerves and axiety could be coming from your conflicting feelings... and perhaps the realization that you could very well lose what you have for a play date?

only you live your life.  no one can speak for you, think for you, or accept the consequences of your actions but you.  think before you leap. weigh all your options, then push ahead with whatever your heart tells you.

thats all the advice i can give.

good luck to you

tazzy

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:34:55 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		~fr~

I was in a similar position - had the chance to play with someone while partnered with someone else.  I felt guilty beforehand about cheating, but convinced myself that as long as we didn't have full sex, it wasn't cheating.

I went through with it, had a great time with the Dom in question, and then hated myself afterwards for having done it.  But that's me, and every relationship is different. 

My advice?  Listen to the little voice in your head - it's your conscience.  If you can deal with the secrecy of this meeting with the Dom, then go ahead.  If you feel conflicted and are using words like 'cheating', then maybe you've answered your own question.

Good luck with your decision.

MoS

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:35:08 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jenny722
The thing is.. I've cheated before. Not just physically, but completely fell in love with a man. And.. I don't think I'd have a moral conflict with sleeping with that man again, because I've already done it.. and my feelings for him are so strong.


Then how about taking some time and examining what you're doing and your motives.  Is it the thrill of "cheating"?  Is it that you just don't care if you hurt someone else?  Is it that you're too afraid to admit that you aren't monogamous? Are you afraid of other people judging you ("she's such a whore"), or are you afraid of judging yourself ("I like sleeping around, so I must be a whore")?

Just throwing out some random thoughts to ponder.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:36:19 AM   
jenny722


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline 		I know what I WANT to do, yet I know what I SHOULD do.. unfortunately, those two rarely if ever align.

Why does this make me feel so horrible? I hate being this conflicted. Thank you again everyone for your comments. And I am sorry - I didn't know where else to go with this.  Keeping it in my head is just too much for me to mentally handle right now.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 11:54:40 AM   
jenny722


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Then how about taking some time and examining what you're doing and your motives.  Is it the thrill of "cheating"?  Is it that you just don't care if you hurt someone else?  Is it that you're too afraid to admit that you aren't monogamous? Are you afraid of other people judging you ("she's such a whore"), or are you afraid of judging yourself ("I like sleeping around, so I must be a whore")?

Just throwing out some random thoughts to ponder.


Cali



Its the feeling that I get when I'm spending time with a man who's attracted to me. Its feeling feminine and attractive. I've always wanted a man to feel that way about me, and well - in my experience they just don't. Ive been with my gf for 4 years, and I do love her and would never want to intentionally hurt her. Its just that she doesn't give me that same feeling that some guys do. (My interest in D/s does go beyond wanting a guy to like me, just fyi)

Thank you Cali, for your thought provoking comments.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 12:05:47 PM   
Barelily


Posts: 96
Joined: 10/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

((hugs)))

I know you feel alone but you aren't.

Don't play before you are ready to.


That pretty much says it all. You have things you need to sort out. Talk to him and explain, if he doesn't understand, move on.


Disclaimer: This post was made in response to the post made by jenny722 and is based on my opinion and experiences only.




_____________________________

"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that that take your breath away."

(in reply to jenny722)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 12:28:49 PM   
MasterTslave


Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say you were not ready for this kind of play date.  You must be honest with your girlfriend otherwise you will be really in trouble.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 12:30:24 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hey take a deep breath and just relax for a moment.
What does Jenny really want in her life right not? What does Jenny want in her life a year from now? Perhaps it is time you really look at yourself with a postive bend here. Not everyone is cut from an exact pattern. We all have our own persona. You are in love with a woman you been with for 4 years, yet there have been times you wanted a man as well. This doesn't make you a bad person, it just what is within you. Take a deep breath, try not to make an instant decision and find out what Jenny really wants in her life today, next week and so on.
oceanwynds

(in reply to Barelily)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 1:12:25 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sooner or later the truth always comes out.  You have a four year relationship with someone who doesn't know what is going on.  You are not being honest with her or yourself in a sense and are confused.  You state that you would never want to hurt her intentionally.  Okay... question for you.  Would it be a mistake if she found out and was hurt because you did this?  I would think it wasn't a mistake and that it was intentional because you ignored whatever to make a choice and did what you did despite how it might hurt someone else.  So that is intentional in my view of things.

Your struggle is understandable, but no good can come of not communicating your true self or this other aspect of yourself to someone who has been in your life in a serious relationship for so long.  Not telling is a form of deception or lie.  She will feel the last four years have been a lie.  You either have to get honest or add to her pain when she does find out and she will because sooner or later you will come to terms with what you are feeling and will have to tell her or she will find out some other way.  Hopefully not because of some disease.  You have been honest with yourself in knowing you want this and cannot seem to live without it, now you need to be honest with her and give her a choice or two, or your selfishness and it will seem like selfishness.. will ruin many things and create more damage when it doesn't have to.

If you care enough to not want to hurt her... which will also hurt you too... then you must care about her.  If you care so much, prove it.  Either be honest with her or you both will pay the price.  Think about it for a while... picture it in your mind.  What is said, felt and happens when she finds out her last four years with your kind of love have been a lie?  Step outside yourself a bit here and see what you could be doing to others to get your needs met and then do what you will.  You might even ask a few around here about their experience in not being honest and doing what you are doing because of their own struggle.  Most of them carry some guilt for how they handled things.  Be smart, but also be kind.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 1:29:35 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, jenny722----
You said:  I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her and 2.because maybe I'll like him and want him to myself (which isn't possible - he's in a long-term open relationship, plus distance).

My reply:  You're in a relationship.  Imo, you should be able to tell your partner about yourself whether or not what you tell them turns them on or not.  Why not be open about your need to be Dominated?
Cheating is more expedient than communicating your needs and I had someone say to me recently related to ridiculous relational emotional drama, "That's why people cheat: so they don't have to deal with this bullshit."  Some of that may be true.  Not my way of doing things or of handling things but the huge numbers that admit to cheating say that I am in the vast minority.  Anyway, you already feel guilty.  Chances are you'll feel more guilty.  Then, you may have the misguided urge to come clean (Usually selfish urge).  Drama, drama, drama.  Notto mention disease potential.  Sooooo, if you're gonna do it, be open and let the chips fall where they may.  Negotiating with a partner is even better.  But, if you're going to cheat, buck up, demand health tests ahead of time, and keep your mouth shut whenyou feel the need to assuage your guilt: I've never cheated but I did once enable cheating and I feel guilty about that still many years later and would take any shots that came to me were it to come out. 
The liking and wanting him for yourself part is an interesting piece as he's in an open relationship with distance.  Now, I have to point out the irony of you potentially wanting to have your cake and eat it too but not others to have the same (No judgment, just observation).  If he's in an open relationship, perhaps there is the option of a relationship with you and he having greater permanency that may or may not include your partner as well as his. 
I don't know the dynamics. 
I don't know if this is excessive enthusiasm over getting your D/s met for the first time. 
I don't know you but there are some thoughts. 
Best wishes,
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Seeking Advice.. - 11/6/2008 2:08:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		One, don't cheat. If you need something this relationship isn't giving you, then tell her about it.

Two, don't ever allow someone to force you to play if you aren't ready.

Three, if he's more interested in play than in you feeling good about yourself then that's a clear sign that he's not interested in any kind of relationship than you being a booty call.

Four, stop cybering with him. In fact stop talking to him until and unless your partner gives approval.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 20
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