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Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 6:42:27 AM

Aneirin

Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
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Last night whilst celebrating my birthday down the pub, I was made aware that one of my pals is avoiding going out with me because they are scared how I dress. He sees how I appear as a reflection on himself in that he is very conscious of what he believes people think of him. I met him last night, caught him unawares, he did not expect me to be out as I was supposed to be elsewhere that evening and on seeing me, though he was friendly, he was reserved. A few beers later I extracted out of him what the problem is and found that through that tough exterior, he is in reality very scared and insecure. I told him I dress the way I do because I like it and am comfortable with it, but that was not always so, as at first I did what I did to challenge myself, push myself into being different to work out my own insecurity issues, the result being I can now wear anything in public and not be self conscious, as a person is the person they are, not the external appearance, any that cannot see that, I pity. My pal's drinking buddies, mostly women said they loved my attire, as I was daring to be different, a welcome change to the norm, that being so my pal lost the attention, something I noticed, which I feel did not help with his issues. I felt kind of orrible about this, and tried to shift the attention, but he was not the same.

Now, I care about my pals, they in the past have helped me and I wish to help them where I can, the pal I met last night wants to change his way of thinking, a thinking he attributes to living in the same town all his life, mixing with the same people, doing the same things, whereas I on the other hand have travelled and lived throughout the country. He wants help, and I will help, but am not that sure how to go about it, has anyone any suggestions on how to deal with this kind of insecurity , as my next metamorphosis in attire he knows about and that he is really uncomfortable with.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

Post #: 1

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 6:51:49 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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The world is full of people who don't have a pot to piss in, and your mate is on a downward spiral on the back of someone else's clothes?! Here's an idea, lock the fucker in his home until he starts behaving like an adult.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 2

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 6:59:04 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I think it might be as simple as telling him to grow up. It isnt like it is a gun you are toting around that he is uncomfortable with, nor are you forcing your clothing decisions on him. Honestly, no one bu he sees how his friends dress as a reflection on him. Tell him if anyone ever makes a comment, he should lightheartedly tell them he didnt dress you and leave it at that.

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 3

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:08:09 AM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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Now you got me curious, just how could one dress that would scare another ? I would tend to doubt it's color scheme, even to the lightest of lightweights.

T

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 4

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:10:09 AM

MadAxeman

Posts: 4171
Joined: 8/28/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

First of all, happy birthday for yesterday mate.
I hope you are not feeling too rough after applying a surfeit of pickled eggs and Guinness.
I have a habit of turning up in fancy dress or pyjamas and dressing gown if I'm overhelmed by my not give a shitness.
How about telling us how you were dressed?

_____________________________

Hitman for the Subby Mafia

(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 5

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:10:36 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Eh, I figure its probably something as ridiculous as all black, long dister jacket or a motorcycle jacket, dark glasses and the like. People for some reason associate outfits like that with "bad guys" and think the attitiude they see in movies and books is what comes with the clothes. Love stereotypes. I get a similiar stigma when I wear my leather bike jacket.

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 6

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:14:35 AM

MadAxeman

Posts: 4171
Joined: 8/28/2008
From: UK
Status: offline

I don't think it was that.

_____________________________

Hitman for the Subby Mafia

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 7

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:30:32 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Unless you were walking around with blood and bits of raw flesh hanging from your clothes, or dressed like Richard Simmons in one of his exercise videos, I cannot imagine clothes being scary.

Any guy that would be scared of clothing has bigger issues than the clothes.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 8

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 7:55:41 AM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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Tigresse, thanks for wrecking my Saturday. I don't think I am able to eat. Now I have to drink until I morph that image in my mind to at least it being Richard Simmons' blood and flesh. About ten beers should do it.

Explicit porno of George H.W. Bush and Janet Reno getting it on to you. Take that !

T

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 9

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 8:02:51 AM

GRnfiz

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/30/2008
Status: offline

OMG Bush and Reno.... jabs burning sticks into my eyes.... nope, that still didn't do it. Perhaps if I think of Bush and Chaney in a porn? Nooooo that's worse......

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 10

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 8:06:46 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Tigresse, thanks for wrecking my Saturday. I don't think I am able to eat. Now I have to drink until I morph that image in my mind to at least it being Richard Simmons' blood and flesh. About ten beers should do it.

Explicit porno of George H.W. Bush and Janet Reno getting it on to you. Take that !

T

Muah ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!

My work here is done.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 11

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 8:11:21 AM

manxcat

Posts: 673
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

I understand what you are going through. Many years ago i was a *tad* wild, and wore whatever style suited my mood, most of which could be found in the fashion pages. I suppose living in the 'burbs' it seemed radical. Then i shaved my head. I often wondered why i had so few female friends, but attributed it to the fact that i was popular with the men. They at least made the effort to get to know me, as a means of getting under my skirt of course, but the result was i became friends with many. It was not until years later in talking with some of these women that they expressed their fear of me due to my *style*, and being the new 'face', they didn't like the competition. A few later became my friends, but as we had not formed those bonds, it was never as close as with those few who did not care what i wore, or who i fucked.
It sounds as if your friend is insecure in who he is. If you can get him to make some similar although minor change in his attire, then perhaps going on the piss in a different town, where neither of you are known, it would enable him to see that clothes do not make the man, the man makes of himself what he is. Somehow he has to find within himself his own sense of self worth, and i understand how difficult that can be. But sooner or later he has to make that first step, or he will forever be in someones shadow.
Best of luck, i know i don't face the loss of a friend lightly either, whatever the reason.

manxy

p.s. it took me a long time to get to the point of standing up for myself, and really feeling my quotation below.
______________
I would rather be villified for doing the right thing than be praised for doing the wrong thing.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 12

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 8:12:22 AM

manxcat

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Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline

Oh yeh, and Happy Purrrrthday ;;-))
manxy

_____________________________

The television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a
billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly,
that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little.
Ray Bradbury

(in reply to manxcat)

Post #: 13

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 9:54:51 AM

Aneirin

Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline

Nearly right, black leather like my avatar on here, that and dark red velvet, complete with key, wallet and cell phone chains , studded belt and triskel belt buckle. My pal finds my wear intimidating to him, and he is a biker ! My next plan which he knows is leather corset and for the summer, a kilt. I know the history of men wearing corsets and kilts, it is in past history, so I see why not. Basically, I am challenging myself and it is only me that is going to look the prune in public, but my challenge is to get past that and empower myself. I like clothes and it is with me to make my own soon, but crossing ancient armour with jewellery as I believe jewellery is not something that is just to be worn on extremities.

I told my pal, the clothing he wears is chosen by the mass market and is everywhere, to me it indicates a safe option, to hide behind, blend in. I have no wish to hide, as I have already done that for most of my life and hiding gets you nowhere.

My pal I see more with, he is spiralling down, his long term relationship is more or less on the rocks and he daily tries to find new ways of making his job interesting, unable to be honest with himself. Depressed he is, I can see that and set to get worse if he does not stop and realise what is going on. Myself, I have been there on that one, I know the spiralling down and the damage it does to others and more importantly, the self, I would wish to save him that pain.

Thankyou to all who have wished me a happy birthday, it is very kind of you.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 14

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:03:02 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

"What *he believes* people think of him."

*ANAL RETENTIVE ALERT!
*ANAL RETENTIVE ALERT!

How can *anyone* claim to know what someone else is "thinking?"
For clairvoyants like that I have the acid test; "Give me the Powerball Lottery Numbers for the next draw."
None of them ever can.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 15

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:22:55 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

The problem is that most people - no scrub that, most men, are very insecure about how they portray themselves and how those with whom they associate portray themselves - unfortunately the prevalence of such insecurity means that many do feel that another's personal presentation does reflect on them too. Its all tied in I feel with avoiding "looking gay" or "effeminate" - which speaks of other insecurities and with group identity and membership issues which are as much about who is not in the group as it is about who is in.

If we then tie up your dressing habits with your participation and interest in a certain form of dance as per your thread a while back, your mate is probably even more insecure about being seen with you for fear of what others might then conclude about your friendship. Yes, its homophobia and wrong and stupid, but yes it is prevalent. Back when I was first transitioning I can tell you - the guys I knew would have nothing to do with me but the gals were all fine with it, encouraging even - and this is what it was all about in my opinion.

My advice - get some new mates, because sooner or later you will find yourself in that position anyway unless your current gang can get over it.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 16

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:30:01 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Unless you were walking around with blood and bits of raw flesh hanging from your clothes, or dressed like Richard Simmons in one of his exercise videos, I cannot imagine clothes being scary.

Any guy that would be scared of clothing has bigger issues than the clothes.

BLEACH!! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!!!!!

DAMMIT, LaT!!!

Aneirin.. you cant help someone with esteem issues like that, until/unless they are ready willing and able to be helped. Iknow this from having a former roommate that had issues.. I constantly had to dress down when we went out, non-stop reassurances...let me tell you.. I finally had to move out, she was a psychic/emotional vampire.
All you can do, IMO, is try to get him dressing to a style that is complementary to him. Encourage him to do a bit of traveling, if possible.

*hugs*

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 11/8/2008 10:42:51 AM >

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 17

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:33:46 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

Let me add this because the earlier post came across as male bashing I think?

Once I'd settled down in the whole transition phase and found my style and all that, something strange happened with a lot of the guys (well, unexpected perhaps rather than strange) - they accepted me as female and that was that - I was treated no differently to any of the gals.

Perhaps you need to slow down with what youre doing? Give your mates time to adjust to the new you before you go to the next stage?

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 18

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:37:41 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

In colder weather I wear Wrangler jeans and Irish sweaters.
In warmer weather I wear LL Bean cargo shorts and golf shirts.
If I were blind I could pull out matching socks, they're all white.
Gets the job done.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 19

RE: Dressing to scare - 11/8/2008 10:40:20 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

In colder weather I wear Wrangler jeans and Irish sweaters.
In warmer weather I wear LL Bean cargo shorts and golf shirts.
If I were blind I could pull out matching socks, they're all white.
Gets the job done.

Must make a note - dont be seen out in public with Popeye

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 20

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