Aneirin
Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline
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I spoke again with the friend again this evening and fair interrogated him,(but in a nice but sneaky way), on where the problem is, and found out that his school life he was the school dwebe, not only that, but the weirdo, primarily because he took an interest in entomology, he has since become a microbiologist. He also suffered the loss of his father at that time and he a young age, so what was a weird person, became wierder, he retreating within himself more. The result being he was bullied at school and all through his school, by both male and female. To alleviate the bullying, he became subservient to everyone, learned to please others for a quieter life. That false sense of acceptance from others is what he is now, he still thinks he should be how he was known at school. His belief is he was liked, it is that like he believes I threaten because I am a non conforming person in my attire, I am an individual and free thinker. His belief is that if he is seen with me, those that used him in the past would associate me with a weirdo, a place he knows and does not want to go back there, by being with what appears to be a weirdo, he is scared to be labelled such by those of the past.
So it is, I cannot blame him for his experience, he was at school, depressed and suffered because of it, he learned a coping mechanism, though not ideal, saved him from what he believed more harm. It did not occur to him, his use by others might be a lot worse than if he had not cow tailed to others in the quest for peace and some level of acceptance. Bullies, the cowards they are, though it is very wrong, I know they turn attentions elsewhere when someone new who threatens their personal security turns up. Tonight I made him aware of that fact, he now realises his thinking might well be wrong, but I know if he takes that on board and keeps it on board, (which is difficult I know, as when unaware, old habits sneak back), he could make some big improvements with his outlook.
I asked if he was homophobic,and to that he replied no, and as we all know when the alcohol is in, the inhibitions are out, he mentioned some scathes he had not told anyone about, he is comfortable and flattered when a man makes a pass at him, but has searched himself and finds no physical attraction to males. .
But what he seems to stall with, he seeing my logic of the situation, he cannot understand why he is accepting of gays, but still thinks he will feel uncomfortable with my attire, my plans, he will take some getting used to.
So, though I wish to help by offering another angle on his logic, I have told him I am not going to be deterred, as I please me and it is me to be me. If I bother him, he knows why I am being me, he knows my past, and has been made aware of my past difficulties, so he will just have to get used to it as he knows my attire is not as weird as he thinks people of the past would think.
His way of being, I can accept, I do understand what he has said and it's implications, I cannot blame him for that, but if he still wishes to socialise with me, he is going to have to work on some of his issues and in public, accept me for who I am . As it is, he has been told, if said assholes from the past turn up and start their ways from the past, and I am there, I will notice and as a friend, friends get defended by friends, it is the way of friends. (:) ) I daresay our other pal will do the same, as that one is very perceptive and sees things very deep, deeper than I can fathom sometimes.
So, hopefully things might change, perhaps not all at once, but slowly slowly, I can accept that and by that, he is improving himself and his outlook.
< Message edited by Aneirin -- 11/8/2008 7:36:10 PM >
_____________________________
Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha
Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone
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RE: Dressing to scare - 
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