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Female Pride - 11/8/2008 3:41:02 PM   
sultryone


Posts: 46
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline 		I am new to BDSM, have had a few online experiences that have not worked out which has led me to this question.  One I ask myself and one I would like to ask other submissives.

How do you let go or at least diminish in yourself, the pride/power we are taught to have in today's society as professional, independant women?

I am having a hard time in wanting to be submissive, yet still wanting to be free in my decisions, my plans (daily), and what I do in my life and/or with my time. I was married for many years before discovering my submissiveness, and now I feel like this is my time to be "free".

I want to experience the D/s relationship to it's fullest, yet it is a battle with my mind to accept that I should allow complete control.

I had something good going with someone, and I think I sort of blew it due to my own desire to be in control, although I could be wrong because I did not receive explanation as to why it ended.  I dont want to do that again, only I'm not sure what it is I need to do/learn to get there.

Thank you,
sultryone
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 4:03:03 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		hasn't got anything to do with diminished self worth; remember that submitting always is your choice and you are free to do with your life whatever you please.

it shouldn't be hard to find someone who wants you to be their submissive yet doesn't wish to micro manage your life.

the battle in your head is probably due to you not yet letting go your preconceived notions of what the dynamic is, i recommend that is what you try to do for much of it, let go. society didn't give you your pride, and no one here can take it away.


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/8/2008 4:08:54 PM >

_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 4:18:04 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I take great pride in being a good submissive, hence my name.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 4:31:19 PM   
sultryone


Posts: 46
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelesslyInvo

hasn't got anything to do with diminished self worth; remember that submitting always is your choice and you are free to do with your life whatever you please.

it shouldn't be hard to find someone who wants you to be their submissive yet doesn't wish to micro manage your life.

the battle in your head is probably due to you not yet letting go your preconceived notions of what the dynamic is, i recommend that is what you try to do for much of it, let go. society didn't give you your pride, and no one here can take it away.



Hmmmm... that makes sense.  I don't know what the dynamic is really, or how it will/can affect me, still trying to understand that.  I'm assuming experience is the only way here.  Thank you for your reply.

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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 4:34:19 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone


How do you let go or at least diminish in yourself, the pride/power we are taught to have in today's society as professional, independant women?


You don't have to diminish your pride.  You can be submissive to someone and still feel pride in that relationship and pride in your submission. 

Power is a funny word, I think.  You can still be a "powerful" woman in your profession yet have another aspect (submission) of your self  that you share exclusively with the dominant that you choose to submit to.  You have the power to seek what you want, and the power to make the best decisions for yourself.  You don't have to view any of this as if you are giving up control of yourself or your life.  On the contrary, you are beginning to understand and harness this very important part of your self, and you are in complete control of the conscious decision you are making to experience this, and in complete control of the person you decide to express it with.  

quote:

I am having a hard time in wanting to be submissive, yet still wanting to be free in my decisions, my plans (daily), and what I do in my life and/or with my time. I was married for many years before discovering my submissiveness, and now I feel like this is my time to be "free".


Fortunately there are as many different dynamics and "degrees" of ds as there are people.  You only need to find the dominant with whom you are in tune.  Not every dom out there wants to micromanage your every minute or every plan. 

quote:

I want to experience the D/s relationship to it's fullest, yet it is a battle with my mind to accept that I should allow complete control.


I would suggest walking before you run.  I'm not saying you shouldn't put your all into it, but don't worry about "complete control" or even defining it.  Concentrate on finding a good chemistry with the right person with whom you can explore, while remaining open-minded to the possibilities of how far and how deep you want it to go.   

quote:

I had something good going with someone, and I think I sort of blew it due to my own desire to be in control, although I could be wrong because I did not receive explanation as to why it ended.  I dont want to do that again, only I'm not sure what it is I need to do/learn to get there.


This is kind of ambiguous so it's hard to know how to respond.  But don't start thinking that you need to alter who you are because one person wasn't pleased with you.  Stay true to yourself and look for someone who fits with you, rather than trying to change something that one person didn't like, thinking that every other dom is going to be the same way.   And if you're doing this just online, you're going to run into a lot of that kind of thing---you think you screwed up, the guy bails with no explanation, you're left wondering, etc.  You have to meet people in the real world.

Best of luck with it.  :)


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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 6:12:30 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sultryone
I had something good going with someone, and I think I sort of blew it due to my own desire to be in control, although I could be wrong because I did not receive explanation as to why it ended.  I dont want to do that again, only I'm not sure what it is I need to do/learn to get there.
Not that I have any clue what realloy happened here, but just a thought. Another possible interpretation is that the "dom" in question didn't get everything handed to him on a silver platter overnight so he stormed off to find himself a twue sub.  It seems to me that if I was dealing with a woman who was new to submission, I'd kind of expect to help her work though these sorts of issues.  God knows I did with mine and I still am.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sultryone)
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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 6:41:17 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hello sultryone
In the 1960's I help started a woman's lib. group and became co-chairwoman to a woman's right group at one of the Universities in the early 1970's. I also came from a family where almost all the women worked. From there I went through a marriage and divorced and then another marriage. All the protesting for women's rights that I did back in college seemed to go down the drain, on my second marriage. I became a stay-at-home mom and raised our daughter. My interests were put to the side and I took care of my family. I realized now that my struggle back then was because I didnt feel that I measured up with the rest of my female friends who were all employed. I was the only woman who was a wife and stay -at-home  mother. If I would had quit struggling to try to be like everyone else, instead of accepting my own happiness at what I was doing, I would have enjoyed it more. I struggled for a long time, but also found  other parts of who I was within me, and  began to grow.  We were vanilla witch couple, with neither of us knowing the term D/s. Our marriage lasted 29 years with hubby dying.

I met Sir about a year later. He introduced me to D/s. I began to explore my submissive nature, with Sir. At that timeI became self-employed, and still was living by myself. I found that I can manage my own world/finances, keeping a home, taking care of my mother and her medical needs and run my own business and become who I really always was inside a submissve. Sir is not one to micromanage me, however he did help me to create my new life around me.
Two years later, I own my own biz, still live alone and still am with Sir. He manages our relationship, and I manage the rest of my life.

My purpose of telling you all this, is if you feel you are submissive please explore it. Be open to the idea that there is a dominant out there that would want what you have to offer. Taking it slow is advisable. It helped me a lot. I am still learning and still exploring.

blessings
Oceanwynds

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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 7:47:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't.
You're more valuable as a partner, as a submissive if you are worth something. Somebody who chooses to submit instead of has to in exchange for food and shelter.

More importantly find someone who values you as much for what you are outside the bedroom as in it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Female Pride - 11/8/2008 11:28:12 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		The way I see it is there can only be 1 Chief, so I look to chemistry to allow ME to bask in my submission.  

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 8:59:56 AM   
sultryone


Posts: 46
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your replies.  I have dusted myself off and am talking with new D's from the site.  I know now more of what to look for, as a few of you have said chemistry being #1.  I think that is going to be hard to find (needle in haystack) for me, but I can see before, that possibly I wasn't selective enough in that area my first time around and went for someone I thought had experience, knowledge, compassion/patience for a newbie, and would show me the way.  I did not feel valued with him, and after chatting one month online, he told me he was the one who gave me worth. 

Looking back I can see there were some red flags that came up for me, but I think I wanted so much the experience and to understand, that I let those things slide.  I dont want to let that happen again.

Thanks again for your replies,
sultryone


(in reply to Quivver)
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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 11:38:15 AM   
Fizzgig168


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/29/2008
Status: offline 		I remember talking to a friend of mine once, explaining that even though somewhere in me I know better being the way I am made me feel weak.  Made me feel not okay - as in, it's not okay (especially in today's society) to be the way I am.  To want to give up control.  To want to let someone else take over.

He replied that as often as he's heard this from subs he'll never understand.  He explained to me that it takes so very much strength to submit.  That it takes more strength, in fact, than he ever thought he'd have.  He said he admires that more than anything else in a submissive.

Something to think about :)


_____________________________

"Fall if you must fall. But if you are going to fall, fall hard and fall completely. It is so much better than some suspended animation which can never tell you anything about your life."

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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 11:50:07 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Fr

you should just have pride in what you are, whatever that is, you should be the best you that you can be, there is no inheriant thing that you need to be to do that just honesty, intergrity and acceptance.

There is no right or wrong way to be a submisive, you get to make your own rules up, just do what makes you happy and do it well. Dont struggle with what you want to be, submission doesnt equate to weaknss or lack of validity no matter what anyone may say or imply.

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Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 1:28:09 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you are chopping away at your sense of self worth for another person, the relationship isn't healthy. When you find a person who doesn't make you feel diminished, that's likely to be a person with whom you can have a successful relationship.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 5:39:47 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		My Sir once told me that i was more valuable to him because i DIDN'T need him. I gave myself to him from a position of strength, as my choice, and not as a necessity. And i agree with him. I am a feminist - and proudly defend my decision to do what i will with myself - including giving myself to my Sir, for his use and pleasure.  ( and gosh! ... i enjoy it too!)

I can't wait to get home every day from work. I look forward to seeing my Sir and serving him, and so far, after almost 3 years i am not tired of it. I am proud of who and what i am, and love what i do.  And anyone that tries to tell you that you are less - kick him in a painful bit and leave him.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Female Pride - 11/9/2008 6:30:05 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		No one is asking females (or subs in "genderal" - )  to not be powerful...just to choose to give our power over to another.  Does that mean that you must demean or lower yourself?  Maybe, or maybe not - depends on your dynamic.  Power exchange is just that - an exchange of power from ones hands into anothers.  If demeaning or lowering yourself does not work for you, then you can indeed negotiate that into your dynamic.  You may find that you like it, or not and that is the beauty of WIIWD (or however that acronym is spelled - don't flame me!  ).

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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RE: Female Pride - 11/10/2008 3:14:05 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		The whole "pride" thing is, in my humble opinion, a red herring. Being a bedroom sub is merely to temporarily shift roles, as it's a bit like acting. Just because someone plays either the hero or the bad guy in a movie, doesn't make them so in real life. Likewise it is with the submissive's pride thing. It's a game. For the bedroom couple, it's as simple as a kinky bedroom game. Even a 24/7 game for the right couple, but, a sexual game nonetheless.

For example, I have no problem being a top and then in the "real world" yielding the right of way to someone on the road! It has nothing to do with "pride" except I pride myself in following the rules of the road. ... so should you ... pride yourself in being used by the bold.

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RE: Female Pride - 11/10/2008 6:36:55 AM   
cpK69


Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline
Pride is something I have spent a good amount of time contemplating, due to its association with, and my desire to overcome ego. I have gathered from my assessment, because it derives from ego, which is based on self, the concept is faulty.
 
I have opted, instead, to strive for honor; which is accredited toward a goal.
 
A thought that came to me in attempting to respond to this thread: If one has chosen an honorable goal, in light of truth, while they might not always succeed; it is virtually impossible for them to fail.
 
I will have to think on that one more, to test for accuracy.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

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RE: Female Pride - 11/10/2008 6:55:53 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I view submission as an elevation and, actually, an aspect of natural imperative and my own personal nature. 
Submision does not diminish strength, competency. 
For me, these assertions are truisms and a part of who I am.   
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

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RE: Female Pride - 11/10/2008 7:55:01 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		If you have no power/authority to surrender, what exactly are you surrendering anyway?

There are a couple of struggles to submission, one is finding someone who "fits" you, one is finding someone who fits you and who can make you feel safe enough to explore letting go, and then finding someone who fits you, makes you feel safe AND who in hindsight keeps making decisions at least as good as yours.

(in reply to DavanKael)
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RE: Female Pride - 11/10/2008 9:27:12 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How do you let go or at least diminish in yourself, the pride/power we are taught to have in today's society as professional, independant women?


this slave wasn't taught that being an independent, professional woman was the only way to have pride/power, so there was none of that to diminish or let go.  this slave believes one's upbringing can have a distinctive impact on our unique, individual perspective's.
 
this slave wasn't influenced by society a whole lot in her formative years.  she was influenced a great deal by two parents who were dominant to the rest of the world, but submissive to each other.  they were both home, as far back as this slave can remember...Mom had retired before giving birth to this slave and Dad retired when this slave was 5.
it was a secluded rural upbringing with no interaction with extended family, as they all lived on the other side of the continent.  there was intensive training of this slave to find pride in obedience, pleasure in submission and service coupled with the firm belief that we do not all want, need or have to walk the same way as the next person down the path of life, in order to be fulfilled.
 
they were old enough to be this slave's grandparents---and "old school" enough to believe in "women's work"/"man's work" as well as the equal value of a good/responsible leadership AND good/responsible/obedience to that leadership.
they taught this slave a moral code, complete with rituals that resembles Christianity with elements of Paganism, but without the dogma of any particular sect.  there was a large focus on finding personal pride through service...to those in authority as well as to those less fortunate.
 
this slave is grateful to them, for many things. thanks to their training, there is no struggle to reconcile a desire to be in control/have authority over this slave's life and still find fulfillment in the surrender of that life to another for them to control, as they see fit.

(in reply to sultryone)
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