DisenchantedLife
Posts: 193
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Hi all, I'm about to do something very stupid. This I recognize so I dont need anyone pointing it out to me. Its something I doubt few will understand and a few have suprisingly understood. No need to point out the insanity to me. I fully get it.
I am trying to work things out with my ex. In our talks he asked if I wanted to go back to being his slave. My initial reaction is both yes! and no!. In reality, I did say yes and then i retracted it and said "can I think about it - its not something I can decide right now" I also said I would like to talk about it with him first. There can't just be .... bam! Slave again. Do as he says. Even if I wanted to, I couldnt. Self preservation and all that. I know he is willing to work on all of this with me, we'll have a team effort here. So our family can be whole. My question that brings me here to you all is - how do I lay down proper, solid ground work to keep things ok.
My answer to his question is "yes....... if." If he'll be mature, responsible, better educated on bdsm, loving, caring, able to look forward at consequences of actions, able to understand long term effects, have future goals, the ability to be consistant, make "right" and GOOD decisions. IF. If when I say stop. He stops. If I say something is not cool, he doesnt do it and last but not least not do anything that is going to harm or hurt me. ** and if i do allow something like a spanking or w/e it not go too far. When i am at my limit, it stops. Not more than i can handle. No breaking me down, i guess is what i mean. Oh and actual "fun" bdsm scenes. Where it only feels good. No fucking pain whats so ever. (which I have only ever experienced once at the hands of some one else, so not sure how to get that from my ex)
Imo - what I am saying I want does not sound anything like a slave. I want choice, limits, boundaries, guidlines, I also want to be apart of whats being decided. Mostly i want these things because my trust and respect level is low and if they were earned back then I could give them up. Maybe in like 5 - 10 years.
For now.
I am unsure how to attain what I want. I want most of what we used to have...... with out the bad stuff. I want no more suffering, misery, unpleasantness, roller coaster rides, uncertainty, or wicked things happening. I want alot - but i'm giving you the short list here.
I do understand that what I want might be impossible. I am willing to settle for a 50/50 relationship and if that doesnt work just a co-living/friendship relationship so the um's could have both parents in the same house.
How do I lay the right ground work? I know that it takes two to tango and i obviously did not lay any ground work in the past. I just followed blindly. I never stood up for myself. I never demanded better. I didnt do my job in creating a good relationship. I allowed him to be a piece of shit and I allowed it to get abusive. I will not allow it again.
My brother says its like alcoholism. If my ex and I particpate in "deviant" sex (lol my brother called it deviant sex) - my ex will become addicted again and I will open up the door for more bad things to happen. We'll be right back where we were when we broke up. So here we are "opening" that door. I dont know if my brother is right or not. He usually is right, but here's betting he's wrong this time?
But anyways, bring the bdsm back into things does make it tricker. It will not be right away. This is all going to be a very slow and drawn out process. So its not set in stone, its not happening over night, and its all going to be done very cautious.
I am very very sure this is the best place to ask how do i get what I want. IE healthy boundaries and all I listed above? How do i set it up, so that its possible? What do I need to do as a person and what would he and I need to do together to make it work? I was thinking that a safe word and a set of "hard" limits or something should be talked about? I've heard of contracts before so its all laid out, but i dunno if thats for us? And - if yall think a contract is a good idea (as I know there used to be tons of ppl who advocated them) how would we go about setting it up? What type of format? All i can think of to start are safe words, contracts and limits. I know there has gots to be tons more ways to create a healthy relationship.
Please be partially kind to me - ) I'm sticking myself out here to ask these questions and to lay this all out for you. I cant ask anyone else in the world and granted this is like asking the world, but i'm annoymous here.. so its also like not.
I want to do this right - can anyone show me how?
**edited to add another limit thing I want.
< Message edited by DisenchantedLife -- 11/9/2008 1:14:09 PM >
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I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe
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