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dont come - 11/10/2008 6:02:00 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
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From: Central Pennsylvania
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Last night- mom said my brother wont come for Thanksgiven. He has to work. AGAIN.

I supposedly was putting together a bedroom for him to stay in.

this is the umteenth time that he has cancelled.

he works 7 days a week, and I dont want any more promises. he was going to visit in july, and that also was definate.

I am tempted to disinvite him.   he is being used by the guy he does work for. but who cares... I do care about FALSE PROMISES tho.

even if he then changes his mind- he will be crabby.   it is like he is dead. his only purpose in life is to earn as much money as possible, even if others are put out.

when will he realize that the grim reaper waits for NO ONE?

Gram will not live forever....    now will the rest of the family.

Im mad.   Promises me nothing.

Post #: 1

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 6:19:05 AM

sirsholly

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PaHunk...please don't uninvite him. And try not to be angry, as hard as it is to do.
He is the one who is going to pay the price in the long run. He is focused on all the money he is making...but have you ever seen a hearse with a roof rack? Of course not...because you cannot take it with you.

One day he is going to wake up and realize that dispite all the wealth he has, loneliness is the greatest poverty.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 6:38:47 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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Holly, What a beautiful post. :-)

I ranted to mom on it, his family is not worth 3 days. I have been patient. Last year he SO wanted to have a wife. (age 40) He met a Russian gal and she now wants to move in with him, so he is putting space on that because she has a son. But that is not what he told me would be acceptable. His type is the rock video type..and she has some of that going for her.

Jim said that once they had mom moved to Chicago, I would never see them again. So far that is true per Ed. He HATES Pennsylvania.

My sister is very busy too, yet she finds the time. She works -goes to school and has a baby. (mom baby sits)

I wanted to visit last month, but for various reasons I can not stay with relitves at this time. Hotels went up, so I delay.

Every Sunday doesnt have to be family day..I understand that families grow up and go their own way...

Mom did not want to hear my rant. I told her I knew they would ignore her when she moved out there. She isnt allowed to call siblings on the weekend. argh.

At least I didnt buy the groceries yet for the visit.

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Post #: 3

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 6:40:19 AM

DesFIP

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In the present economy, this is not the right time for him to take a stand about overworking. He may be paying off massive credit card debt also. He has a job and doesn't dare say no, for whatever reason.

You're not working. Why don't you drive over some day to his place and see him after work. I bet that would mean a great deal to him.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 6:45:55 AM

Dnomyar

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I think that celeste gave good advice. If he is unresponsive then kick him in the ass when you leave.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:01:51 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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at the risk of sounding crazy, I dont know where he lives at any giving point. He was renting a house near Jerry Springer in FLorida, at teh moment he is in Chicago, where he owns 2 houses but sold one, and in 2 weeks if it is 2 weeks he goes back to florida where the house he was renting was only for the summer.

Im not driving to 1200 miles FL. I am not flying either- not after burning 3 plane tix.

as long as I am complaining except for my sister they are all moving out of state, maybe FL maybe TX tho TN, NV, CA, KY were all talked about as well.

oh wait- my sister said TX too. hmmm.

last year my brother said- if I did not clean out moms attic for her move he would never do anything for me ever again the whole rest of his life.

They were happy when I went out last Christmas.

Everyone is always moving. arghhhhhhhhh!

At least some of family is coming- they did in July as well. So that is good.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:06:36 AM

stella41b

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I go with Holly and the others.

I know how major Thanksgiving is for you all. I wouldn't disinvite him. You can make your feelings known, but you know he's big enough to handle his own relationships.

Besides, do you need the added stress of such a conflict at a time like this? Wouldn't that spoil the atmosphere for the whole family?

Sometimes you just got to let people make their own decisions. Instead I'd focus on having a good time with the family who are present.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:16:08 AM

Lynnxz

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Awe, don't uninvite him. Chances are, he's like my uncle, where his boss tells him to either work that day, or lose the job. He is hit and miss at holiday gatherings, but we always set him a plate anyway in case he gets a chance to drop by.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:17:16 AM

sirsholly

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And PaHunk...as hard as it is not to vent to you mom, please understand that when you do so you are unknowingly putting her in a position where she has to take sides between her sons.
Vent here when you need to, but say nothing to your mom.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:20:18 AM

NuevaVida

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We can't decide for others what their priorities should be. Your brother has his priorities and they don't line up with yours. Do you love him? If so, then love him regardless of his priorities. I had a brother like this. He knew my door was always open - a standing invitation. If I took that away because he wasn't doing what I wanted, then I would feel selfish, and would be creating a greater gap then there already was between us.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:21:15 AM

Dnomyar

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Holly is speaking as a mother. Listen to her she is very wise.

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Post #: 11

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 7:26:21 AM

GreedyTop

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I agree with Stella :)

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Post #: 12

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 8:13:50 AM

sub4hire

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Your brother no longer has his business? Anyway, I'm guilty of missing a holiday dinner a few years. Due to work.

There are points in our lives that we think money is security and happiness. Nothing gets in the way of it. I decided when I was 12 I was going to work my ass off in my 20's to be financially secure by the time I hit 30. I did so...then my ideas about life changed drastically.
I was always family oriented but a dinner was a dinner. Something that could happen at any time. It didn't matter if it were some holiday. Thanksgiving was a throwaway holiday for me. I didn't like the turkey..or the ham. Why bother?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is he is your brother and his goals in life at the moment don't match yours. It doesn't make him a bad person or a person who does not love you. It just means his head is somewhere else at the moment.
Priorities are a hard thing to work out.

Your brother just hasn't learned to show you how much he cares yet. Give him some time. He will. With all the grief he has given you over your house. Well he only wanted you to have a nice house. You can't damn him for loving you.

In any event, what is a holiday to you? For me a holiday means family getting together. After all the grief the cousins gave us last year remember I decided no more holidays. Just didn't want to deal with their infighting.
Well thanksgiving in our household is this coming Saturday. Half the cousins who like one another. The other half...well I don't care to deal this holiday.
For the actual holiday we may be in Oklahoma..as my uncle is going to have surgery this week for an aneurysm.
All depends on it we can get away...though for family..we will get away one way or another to see him during this process. Even if it isn't on the designated day.

Don't take it so hard. Your brother doesn't understand what you do. In time he will and we just have to hope it is in time when he can still get to know how great you are.

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Post #: 13

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 8:23:14 AM

persephonee

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*smooches to Greedy and Stella*

on topic
Priorities dont always mesh and siblings grow up and away from eachother. Continue to keep in contact in ways that are the least stress inducing for you...if that is simply regular emails, then so beit...try not to put yourself in a position where you will become involved in a conflict...in other words, if speaking on the phone gives you too much temptation to yell...dont call, use the email. You can control your tone that way.
He may never come around to your way of thinking but you can only do what you need to do so that you feel like you have fulfilled your duty to your family. In the end, he may come to regret his choices, or you may come to realize that he had good reason to do what he chooses to do. Regardless, you are family. That wont change no matter how angry or resentful you may feel...so choose not to be angry or resentful. Focus on giving him news and updates on your life and your family...Communicate positively. His choices as to how to respond are his to make. Meanwhile you have done what you can to communicate with your brother.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving with the family that can make it, and spare a kind thought for those who couldnt make it...
Be Well
perse

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Post #: 14

RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 8:28:03 AM

sunshinemiss

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Hello pahunk,
The only thing you can do is love, and love to the best of your ability. Love who is there and willing to accept your love. And when he is ready to accept your love, he will. You can't make him. Let your love flow to your mom and others that accept.

Good luck,
sunshine

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 8:46:05 AM

LaTigresse

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Stella and Holly are giving your great advice. Quit taking your brother's issues personally and don't whine to your mother about your siblings.

I am the oldest of six. We just had a huge family gathering this summer. I made sure that I could put everyone, that came from out of state, up in my house. There were a few, like my mother and one of my sisters that canceled at the last minute for no apparent reason.

One of my brothers that lives just down the road picked that time to have a childish temper tantrum and didn't come to any of the family gatherings/meals we had that week.

I could have bitched and whined, "everything I did for them to make it perfect....yadda yadda yadda.....". But WHY?!?! All that attitude would have done is make it less fun for everyone else and myself.

The people that didn't show, didn't show because of THEIR ISSUES. I am not going to make their issues, my issues.

Enjoy the time you have with the family that does come. The rest, just let them know you love them and miss them. Keep the childish pouting out of it.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 8:52:31 AM

HarleyKitty69

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Hey atleast you have family over here to invite.
Besides my sister all my family is in Germany ,

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 9:01:35 AM

KatyLied

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You are hating on your brother for being a hard working guy? Not so cool.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 9:17:28 AM

Aylee

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Pahunk,

My mother (also known as the "Wicked Witch of the West") actually has the sanest approach to holidays that I have EVER come across.

If you can make it, great. If you can't, well that is just too bad.

As we grew up and got older and wanted to have holiday dinners at friends' houses or with a boyfriend's family, she would say "yes." And then suggest that maybe we would all like to make it for dessert instead. If we didn't want to or couldn't, well, that was fine too. It was a pointless thing to stress over.

She had the same attitude towards my grandparents. There are a lot of families for grandparents to visit. Whatever part of the day they could make it for was just wonderful.

When I lived in the same town, and was going to school, my job would pay double time and a half for working on a holiday. That is money that as a student I just couldn't turn down. So I would show up after the dinner or whatever, once I was off work. It wasn't that I didn't WANT to spend time with my family, it was just a good opportunity for me.

Living where I do, we cannot make it to many family things. Christmas is about it. So, we have our own traditions. But I have amintained the same attitude towards them. If friends can make it over for a holiday, that is wonderful, if they can't, or have other plans, well, that is just fine too. Holidays are for celebrating, not for stressing over.

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RE: dont come - 11/10/2008 12:32:53 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

PaHunk...please don't uninvite him. And try not to be angry, as hard as it is to do.
He is the one who is going to pay the price in the long run. He is focused on all the money he is making...but have you ever seen a hearse with a roof rack? Of course not...because you cannot take it with you.

One day he is going to wake up and realize that dispite all the wealth he has, loneliness is the greatest poverty.

A great post holly, I have never heard it put quiet that way,Sure money is important but family comes first,..Here at our house we have an open door policy on holidays, family and friends don't need an invitation for there is always a place for one more..bounty

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