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Need advice about telling a D that I am not attracted t... - 11/10/2008 2:52:26 PM

subiet

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline

I have been messaging with someone and recently met them in person. I know I should have asked to see a pic before meeting but I didn't. He is a wonderful man in many ways but the bottom line is that I am not physically attracted to him. I have to tell him and would like some advice on how to go about it. Please don't just write "just tell him" I know that but I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Thank you in advance.

Post #: 1

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 2:57:08 PM

NormalOutside

Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

You could just say that you're interested in a friendship rather than a physical relationship, without giving a specific reason. You're just acquaintances after all, and not heavily involved, right? (I assume, since you've only met one time and never done webcam or exchanged pics.) If you prefer, go ahead, tell him he needs to get a haircut or whatever you think is wrong with him. Not sure it's necessary though, but sometimes it's nice to be told the brutal truth I guess.

(in reply to subiet)

Post #: 2

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:11:44 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

If you've met him in person, simply say there's no chemistry. If he asks specifics, tell him the truth. That you're not attracted to him doesn't say anything about his looks, in reality, it's just a simple statement of your reaction.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to subiet)

Post #: 3

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:13:27 PM

flutter17

Posts: 14
Joined: 10/15/2008
Status: offline

1) the chemistry isnt there (and dont elaborate)
2) you feel better knowing that you have a friend like him you can consult re: dom candidates (diplomatic with a little 'ouch' but measures the situation for him.)
3) you're so new at this (or new at this again) that you're interested in proceeding carefully and expect to remain neutral for awhile

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

(in reply to NormalOutside)

Post #: 4

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:31:36 PM

LydiaSciKitten

Posts: 43
Joined: 10/16/2008
From: Luxembourg, now in UK
Status: offline

I think that the most respectful and careful way to proceed is to say that when you meet the rare Dominant that you are really wishing to submit to, you feel it in your gut. Tell him that he s a lovely person, that you really like and respect him, and that you would love to be his friend, but that the subconscious, nearly animalistic chemistry, or gut feeling, just isn't there, and that it wouldn't feel right for you to submit to someone when your whole being does not crave for that. Be pleasant, complimentary, polite and very, very sorry. :)
The way I'd do it though is 'I am sorry but you do not have what it takes to make me desire submission, do not be offended'. But then again I am not always too diplomatic.

(in reply to flutter17)

Post #: 5

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:35:48 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

It sounds like there is plenty to be enjoyed together besides the physical, so focus on that when you speak to him again. I like the idea of asking if he can accept friendship instead of a more involved relationship. Rarely do I find that I want no part of someone I have met in person. Sometimes, however, the necessary spark is not there for whatever reason and it is a matter of parting amicably with contact to see what each other are up to. I would not delay the inevitable as it will make the fall harder for him when it finally happens. Be honest with him, but also with yourself. Do you want him in your life in any way? Then strive to preserve that. If not, then it is a matter of just not being rude in your parting ways.

Also consider the possibility that there are other things at work here. Lack of physical attraction can be an excellent diversion when one is about to have to face the desires they have tried to run from. This is only mentioned as a side point and your post gave no indication of that. I mention it only as a means of self evaluation of your reasoning. If it does not apply, then feel free to ignore this part of my post. Still honesty and timeliness are best in this case.

Best wishes,
lovingpet

(in reply to flutter17)

Post #: 6

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:41:04 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Sorry, As a Guy Speaking for Guys EVERYWHERE and if you deny it you're full of shit.

Just say, I'm Sorry I'm a Shallow Person and as much as I like who you are on the Inside, I'm just not attracted to the Man you are on the Outside. I enjoyed meeting you but there isn't really a future for us as anything more than Friends. And if you are willing I am willing to persue a Platonic Friendship but nothing more.

It isn't being MEAN it's being Honest, and unless you incapable of being a decent Human Being I suggest you just tell him because I assure you all the Guys I know will tell if you aren't into it just kill it, sure we will be hurt, and sure we won't like it, but at least we can respect it. If you try to give us some song and dance about the reason we will lose all respect for you and all you will be is the Bitch you met once.

Perhaps this sounds Harsh, but I have had this discussion more than once being the Large and Jovial guy that I am. If you can't come right out and admit that you are shallow then all you are doing is playing the "It's Not you, It's Me" Card which every guy knoes what really means.

Sorry but Buck Up Sister just tell your Man that he just isn't Hot enough to be your guy and move on to greener pastures.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
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Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LydiaSciKitten)

Post #: 7

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:45:43 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Either way you're probably likely to hurt his feelings, or at least annoy him a little bit.

And secondly come on it's not rocket science. You don't need an entire message board to tell you how to politely say something, at least you shouldn't. Simply say you're a lovely person I've enjoyed our online contact but I don't feel any chemistry person to person, and I wish you well in your search. To me it's pretty obvious.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subiet

I have been messaging with someone and recently met them in person. I know I should have asked to see a pic before meeting but I didn't. He is a wonderful man in many ways but the bottom line is that I am not physically attracted to him. I have to tell him and would like some advice on how to go about it. Please don't just write "just tell him" I know that but I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Thank you in advance.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 11/10/2008 3:52:41 PM >

(in reply to subiet)

Post #: 8

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:46:27 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've always just come back and said...

Thank you for the coffee/dinner/tea/whatever..but I'm afraid I just didn't feel we were compatible or had any chemistry. It was great to meet you though and wish you the best of luck in your search!".

Use it if ya like.

(in reply to subiet)

Post #: 9

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:50:22 PM

blu3boy1

Posts: 4
Status: offline

I believe in honesty with a sprinkling of diplomacy. I think the posters above who mentioned "The chemistry isnt there" are right on the money. It happens all the time and theres no reason for him to take it too hard. I've heard it from women before and you just kind of shrug your shoulders, kick at the ground and move on.

Blu3

(in reply to subiet)

Post #: 10

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:50:51 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Damn Steel..... You took the thoughts right out of my head....Uhm.....Well, except for the whole being a man part.

Seriously though, people that have not been interested in me {i know...i know...it's pretty shocking and all isn't it?}

have earned much more respect from me when they've been up front and honest. People that want to hide behind the bullshit card of 'ooohh, i was just trying to spare Your feelings.' do nothing but A. hurt my feelings, B. lose my trust (because obviously they can't be honest with me) and C. lose my friendship.

Could just be me though,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 11/10/2008 3:51:15 PM >

_____________________________

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~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 11

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 3:52:57 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Been there. Married that. My not wanting to hurt his feelings turned into a 13 year marriage fraught with ALOT of passive aggressiveness (mine).
If you were really honest with yourself, you might realize that your reluctance to tell him the truth is because it is much harder for you to say than it is for him to hear. RIP THE BAND AIDE OFF! It may sting for a minute, but not as much as the torture of doing it painstakingly slow.
"I am just not that into you."

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 12

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:05:13 PM

SoulPiercer

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

I don't neccesarily agree with the "shallow" label, but I agree with what Steel says about being up front and getting it over with.

Believe it or not, we guys might like goofy looking dogs, we may love football and cartoons, we may find it easier to pop something in the microwave than prepare a gourmet meal, but we are not complete idiots.

We know rejection when we see/hear it. He may in fact already know, because most of us can spot a fake laugh or smile a mile away, contrary to what sitcoms and Cosmo lead women to believe.

The "chemistry" line is good, but we all know that's gal code for "you're bald", "you're too short", "you don't have washboard abs" or "by SUV I thought you meant $80,000 Hummer, not 82 Ford Bronco".

Just tell him .. besides .. if he reads the forums .. the secret is out..

_____________________________

Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

(in reply to blu3boy1)

Post #: 13

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:15:42 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer
The "chemistry" line is good, but we all know that's gal code for "you're bald", "you're too short", "you don't have washboard abs" or "by SUV I thought you meant $80,000 Hummer, not 82 Ford Bronco".

Geez, SP, in my book it's gal code for "my nipples didn't get hard when we met."

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to SoulPiercer)

Post #: 14

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:39:01 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

I guess sending him a Happy Bunny sticker saying, 'Your ugly and that's sad' is out of the question?

And, SP: Bald is hot.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 15

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:42:02 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Many take the word Shallow to be Negative when it is actually descriptive.

Main Entry:
1shal·low

Pronunciation:
\ˈsha-(ˌ)lō\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English schalowe; probably akin to Old English sceald shallow — more at skeleton
Date:
14th century
1: having little depth <shallow water>2: having little extension inward or backward <office buildings have taken the form of shallow slabs — Lewis Mumford>3 a: penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived <shallow generalizations> b: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling <a shallow demagogue>4: displacing comparatively little air : weak <shallow breathing> synonyms see superficial— shal·low·ly

\-lō-lē, -lə-lē\ adverb — shal·low·ness noun The One in Italics is what I mean. Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 16

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:51:27 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

If you go to "superficial" as under synonyms, you'll find this at the bottom: shallow is more generally derogatory in implying lack of depth in knowledge, reasoning, emotions, or character.

Most people consider it to be negative when used in that manner, not merely descriptive.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 17

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:52:17 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I agree Steel. Guys, in general, don't drag things like this out. Call a spade a spade is actaully probably best for the guy so long as you don't go into nasty gory details with it. Th eonly thing I don't agree with is the "shallow person" part... physical attractiveness is a valid part of a relationship choice.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 18

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:53:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Just tell him that you didn't feel the necessary click to continue seeing him, but he's a great guy and you hope he finds someone soon.

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 19

RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 4:54:28 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

I think if you just confess the sexual sparks aren't there for you, he'll appreciate knowing now instead of being strung along. Just tell it like it is, you like him, but the chemistry for more than friendship just isn't there for you.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 20

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