RE: Are there things more important? (Full Version)

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monywildcat -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 4:36:21 PM)

Would I give up physical things for the emotional things?  If I were given a choice, either you can hang up your flogger until Daddy has warmed up to the idea of beating me with it, or he is gone?  Not a hard choice.  In that regard, yes I can sacrifice some physical things for the emotional.  Otherwise, I am having a hard time visualizing another scenario when I would have to make that choice.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 4:39:32 PM)

A complex question and, as much as I hate to, I am going to say this:  It depends on the situation.

When I was in the service, I was stationed in N. Carolina.  Because I was with the 82nd, I moved around a lot.  My fiance lived in Colorado.  Did I remain without touch between going home on leave?  Yes, because we stayed in touch through letter and through phone calls.  I missed her touch like crazy but as long as the emotional aspect of the relationship was intact, I could handle it.  That's one way of looking at it being possible to do without touch.

However...let's look at another way.  My ex-wife and I were involved for 20 years.  The last 5 years of our marriage became almost dead on the physical side.  Yes, there was the hand-holding and the snuggling and all the emotional stuff that a person thinks of signifying a satisfied couple.  But behind closed doors, the sex was gone...and that includes looking in another's eyes when you are inside them and seeing that magic that this moment is, that includes the sound of not just another's groan but the groan you have come to know from the partner you know and love.  So here is a situation where the love was present...supposedly;  touch was there...definitely;  and yet, like mc, I began to die inside.  Touch was there, emotion was there...so why did I begin to die from a lack?  Could it be that I needed not just the surroundings but what goes with it?

This is where I separate my relationships out.  I can do without sexual touch for a long time as long as the emotional commitment of the heart and the intellectual commitment of the mind are to me.  I cannot do without sexual touch, even when the emotional commitment and the mental commitment are there, when my partner does NOT want the sexuality.  When I played with casual partners, they remained casual because there was no emotional or intellectual commitment.  Yes, I dominated them to an extent and they submitted to an extent but they knew...and know now when I deal with them...that even that small amount will go away when they become involved, or I do, in a relationship that involves mental, emotional and physical commitment.  Can I do poly then?  In a way but with a structure that surrounds it in such a manner that my primary partner acts as MY primary partner... and I hers.



missturbation -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 4:40:51 PM)

quote:

Can you give up the physical for the mental/emotional?

 
Not indefinately no.
I could sustain myself physically for a period of time, my physical need's being all things i can do to myself if necessary.




OneMoreWaste -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 4:57:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

i have learned that it is amazing what one can give up or tolerate when they are getting their emotional needs met; as far as i'm concerned, there are practically no limits.  Your priorities change when you're in love, what was all-important once became absolutely disposable since Ma'am.


After barely half a year? (guessing by your sig file)
If by some misfortune you end up going a couple of years without having your physical needs fulfilled and still feel the same, then I'll lend some credence to the Love Conquers All pronouncement; 'till then, I'm with mc1234.



cpK69 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 5:08:39 PM)


I do not believe I could forgo my physical needs and then claim to be loving myself. I find that my physical needs are very much entwined with my mental and emotional needs; when I neglect one, the others become unbalanced.
 
The trick is knowing whether it is a need or want, and to refrain from desiring more then what is actually needed.
 
Kim



marie2 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 5:25:55 PM)

I don't think I could trade one for the other.  Or more specifically, love for "touch". 

I need to have the type of physical touch that comes under the whole ds umbrella, so much so, that I'd rather have the ds (which in my mind includes the mental AND the physical) and forego love. 

I was in a relationship for 22 yrs that had love in it, but it didn't have the kind of "touch' or intimacy that I need.  Yet for all the love and the friendship that we had, it was unfulfilling to such a point that I felt like there was a huge void in my body, a part of me missing, and the thought of spending the rest of my life in that state was a dismal one.  I will always be a highly emotional being who cares deeply for the people I am involved with, and I need to connect emotionally with the other person for there to be any value in any of this. But for me, love (if I could even describe it) would be icing on the cake, and isn't necessary for me (not in the kind of relationship I think we're talking about).  But the other "stuff" absolutely is.



mummyman321 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 5:31:46 PM)

Lady Pact,
By far and foremost, mental health/being true to your heart out weighs physical need. That does not stop the craving for the physical. But BDSM is as much a mental effort as a physical effort. One without the other is not whole.

When I started into BDSM I would say I craved the physical without knowing what I was seeking and did not realize the mental part of it. Many years later, and thankfully to a very kind Domme, I found the true power of my submission. The mental release/TPE I experience with a Domme is priceless.

The point I am trying to make is that you must be able to mentally engage and well as phyically to get the most out of a relationship. If you need to hold back mentally due to family, love, devotion, then the physical will never fullfil the need you are seeking.




DavanKael -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 5:38:28 PM)

For me, I think, the 2 flow together, though, if the emotional piece was lacking, the physical desire (Despite my constantly being in touch with my inner 12 year old boy) would be lacking or lack-luster.  Connection in a braod-based way is very important to me in a partner. 
  Davan



theobserver -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 5:51:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

How do you feel about this?  Can you give up the physical for the mental/emotional?



Not only can I give up the physical for the mental and emotional ... I prefer someone to meet me on the latter first before we get anywhere near the touching.

I like physicality, I'm not denying that, but physical encounters without having a prelude to mental seduction, seem very hollow to me and far from pleasurable.

I guess this is why, in the past, I've never been one for what is considered, casual sex. It just does nothing for me. For a companionship that's more involved (lets call it a relationship), there's a word that stands out the most to me - Intensity.

I don't want ... I need intensity. I keep this question in my head ... "Would you rather have the stability and longevity of a relationship where things feel safe and comfortable or would you rather have a relationship that is intense and passionate, although fleeting and short term?"

If I had to choose, I'd say the latter, but at this stage in my life I say, "Why should I?" Why can't I have both?

The physical, for me, is nothing without mental and emotional intensity. Capture my mind, first and the rest will follow.





LadyHibiscus -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 6:57:33 PM)

I couldn't give it up forever, no.  I have had a few long distance relationships, and those actually survived based on the emotional commitment.  Nothing replaces being able to touch that person's face, or watch him sleep, or sink your teeth into his shoulder, but if I truly had to trade, I would choose emotional bonding over physical contact.

Short term, anyway!  My heart goes out to you, LP, I know all too well how you feel right now.



mc1234 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 7:02:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2
But for me, love (if I could even describe it) would be icing on the cake, and isn't necessary for me (not in the kind of relationship I think we're talking about).  But the other "stuff" absolutely is.


I'm right there with you, marie.  I'm even to the point where I'm not even sure I can love again ... the emptiness is so vast at times.  We'll see.... I'm not closed to it.  But I can do very well without it if my needs are being met on other levels - hence, the importance of the physical connection.

This whole thread has left me a little melancholy ...



NuevaVida -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 7:16:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I stole this idea from the physical touch thread.  Don't get Me wrong.  Physical touch is important.  I know it is. 

So how does one balance that need for the sake of love, devotion, and family.  I mean, let's face it.  I've been here on My own for some time now.  My crave for touch doesn't forgo the sake of love.  My heart is greater than what My needs might be.  For love, I can forgo a lot of things.

How do you feel about this?  Can you give up the physical for the mental/emotional?



In some ways, it depends, doesn't it? In the case of one party being away (military, away on the job, etc), touch isn't possible, and yet love can indeed fulfill that void. In the case where each party is present with each other, I have trouble seeing how, when love flows in both directions, they wouldn't want to touch each other. I whither without touch - whether the giver or receiver. I have loved deeply, and that love gave me little opportunity to touch or be touched. Because touch is a way of expressing love for me, it would be very difficult to remain in the same room as the man without any touch at all. Would I, if he insisted? Yes, but it would pain me. In the case with my former Master, he allowed me to embrace his feet when I needed to touch, and that was where I remained when not called on for other things.

Now I am seeing someone who seems to want to touch me all the time when we are together. He had his arms around me our entire first night together, and while he slept I cried because it felt so awkward and unnatural...and too good for me to deserve.

I have learned to value and appreciate touch, but to not take it for granted.



moonvine -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 8:16:04 PM)

Not having had either in several years I would have to say I miss the physical more.



LadyPact -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 9:15:40 PM)

Just checking in on My own thread and adding a few things in response. 

For those of you who don't know, the separation in My primary relationship is due to necessity.  Ok.  I know that a lot of folks will say that military service isn't a need, it's a choice, and I get that.  My husband did happen to already be in the service when I met and married him, so I knew what I was signing up for when I did it.    Don't get Me wrong.  It's not especially that I'm complaining about it.  Yet, when I looked at that other thread and I saw so many responses about how the responders said sex was a need or holding a person was a need, I couldn't help but think.  Sure, I need those things, at least on some level, but there's something that I need more. 

On various topics, I've mentioned something that, while it was said it half jokingly, it also happens to be true.  If I looked at My life and decided that sex or physical touch was an absolute need, I could have that easily.  All it takes is a simple trip to My neighborhood bar with the intent to get laid.  I've never thought once that this would be an impossible task if I set out to do it.  I've never especially tried proving My theory on this, but I take it as a given.  For the sake of the discussion, I need the readers here to accept that point.

I guess what I'm saying here is, if sex or physical touch is such a *need* then why not have that need filled?  It's because, while I'm sure I do have that same need, I also need something more important.  I want the two males in My life, even though they aren't here right now.  My love for both of them in the long term is more important than the satisfaction that I could receive in the short term. 

On that basis, I find that the physical is not a need.  Rather, it is a want, and a secondary one at that.



bound4more -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/10/2008 10:37:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I stole this idea from the physical touch thread.  Don't get Me wrong.  Physical touch is important.  I know it is. 

So how does one balance that need for the sake of love, devotion, and family.  I mean, let's face it.  I've been here on My own for some time now.  My crave for touch doesn't forgo the sake of love.  My heart is greater than what My needs might be.  For love, I can forgo a lot of things.

How do you feel about this?  Can you give up the physical for the mental/emotional?



I certainly hope so, as it's inevitable for us all as we age. I actually find the mental and emotional to be the more satisfying in our relationship. That doesn't mean I don't completely enjoy and value the physical, just that I'm happy there's more to us than that.



mc1234 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/11/2008 4:50:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I guess what I'm saying here is, if sex or physical touch is such a *need* then why not have that need filled?  It's because, while I'm sure I do have that same need, I also need something more important.  I want the two males in My life, even though they aren't here right now.  My love for both of them in the long term is more important than the satisfaction that I could receive in the short term. 

On that basis, I find that the physical is not a need.  Rather, it is a want, and a secondary one at that.


Lacking the physical due to separation makes the going without much easier to deal with.  I looked at it as ... both partners are present but for some reason one isn't willing/can't provide the physical for their partner.  And how the relationship for me would suffer tremendously.

Pretty much anyone can go out and get laid.  I find there's very little joy in that, and need the eotional connection as well.  I guess I need it all ...



Maya2001 -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/11/2008 5:33:29 AM)

I believe this is why most online long distance relationships fail, the emotional connection can be built but the physical is needed to help fuel it and hold it and to make it a solid relationship and if the get togethers are not  planned at a foreseeable time or too far apart  without the physical the emotional starts to crumble. because there is no solid love base .   if a relationship  has already begun where both physical and emotional has been met for an extended period and the relationship becomes solid as a result  an extended period of absence  becomes more bearable and has far greater chance of surviving 



califsue -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/11/2008 5:46:23 AM)

In my current situation I don't have the physical connection which I truly miss. However, the mental/emotional bond is so strong that at this time I am willing to wait for a little longer. I so agree with the statement made by CreativeDominant: I can do without sexual touch for a long time as long as the emotional commitment of the heart and the intellectual commitment of the mind are to me. 
 
 



califsue -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/11/2008 6:03:27 AM)

LadyPact,
 
I so enjoy your posts.
 
I would respectfully disagree with your statement that missing Your husband and Your boy is somehow a weakness. I think it is natural and a human trait to those that you have an emotional/mental bond with and who you soooooo love. Why would this be seen as weakness?
 
 



justgemmie -> RE: Are there things more important? (11/11/2008 6:32:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Yet, when I looked at that other thread and I saw so many responses about how the responders said sex was a need or holding a person was a need, I couldn't help but think.  Sure, I need those things, at least on some level, but there's something that I need more. 

I guess what I'm saying here is, if sex or physical touch is such a *need* then why not have that need filled?  It's because, while I'm sure I do have that same need, I also need something more important.  I want the two males in My life, even though they aren't here right now.  My love for both of them in the long term is more important than the satisfaction that I could receive in the short term. 

On that basis, I find that the physical is not a need.  Rather, it is a want, and a secondary one at that.


greetings LadyPact  :)

the difference here from the other thread, i think, is that that thread specifically asked us to leave out the emotional and mental and list only those physical needs.  personally, i didn't list sex, touch or any of that as a need.  those are, to me, wants.  i just need to be alone sometimes and be hurt sometimes.  either of which i can do without my primary partner, since i have no problem with casual play and a hotel room overnight is easily found.

but for love, i can do without a lot of things, as long as it's not forever.  i do without every week because i only see Dauntless on weekends; every so often i do without for 1-2-3 weeks because of His job; and i can see myself doing without for months or longer if need be, because i love Him.  i just don't think i'd stay with a Man i would only see once a year or whatever. eventually it would have to be more often or it wouldn't work.

i wish You well,
gemmie



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