Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things!

Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (Full Version)

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SugarKitten -> Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 11:13:55 AM)
Hi everyone, I'm not normally the sort to seek help but I'm really stuck here. I've known my Master for almost 4years now, we started off as friends, which then led to a vanilla relationship which then developed to a D/s which it is now. Problem is it was purely online until a month ago when I came over to where he lived in the states from my home in the UK. I am COMPLETELY inexperienced in sex and r/t submission. We've done very short mini scenes where i feel comfortable enough. But the whole idea of sex and oral scares the hell out of me. I had a VERY sheltered upbringing, and no boyfriend until i was 20, mentally bullied and abused all through childhood by outside sources, so i didnt have any sort of "normal" interaction with boys in my teenage and the two relationships previous to my Master now ended badly out of nowhere. Needless to say I'm a virgin. But so is he. We've never craved a "normal" first time setting, and we've discussed everything out to the umpteenth degree so communication isnt a problem. I have a deep desire to serve and make him happy, but i struggle to get past my nerves on everything. I just tense up. He says that its not a problem and that he understands but i feel so guilty about taking my time, plus i'm only in the states for 6months, which makes things even more problematic i dont want to take all my time getting over these nerves when we could be doing something more exciting! He asked for help for his confidence in dominating me in the ask a master section a little while back and he's gotten so much better from the community's help. Does anyone have any advice at all about getting over these first time nerves, and maybe what to do to build up a scene? I've discussed the possibilty of a blindfold to help me get over the nerves of giving him a bj for the first time. I'm a very nervous and timid person anyway, with the possibilty of ADD which has never been diagnosed because i dont like going to the doctors or asking for help with anything. My attention span is short and i get jittery or bored easily or not mentally stimulated enough to keep my attention in the right place. I follow orders easily when i dont sit and think them through, and i can hold still during spankings. Another problem is i have a cat/kitten mentality, as we pet play too. So it conflicts with how i feel a "perfect slave" should act because of that independant spontaneous streak. And i dont know how to combine the essence of pet play and submission/slavehood together. I want to get past these irrational fears of intimacy but i dont know how. I've already kind of promised him an evening this friday just to pamper him and try and get over my nerves, ( an own initiative thing to try and kickstart myself) so any help is greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance Kitten xxxx

RCdc -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 11:47:47 AM)
Kitten I have no doubt your Master has good intentions. However I do believe you are both unwise to even 'go there' at this time. You should and do need counselling and professional assistance and as much as you may not want to be told this, the liklihood that you will 'recover' via a relationship is virtually nil. You should have and should be getting professional assistance. the.dark.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 11:57:33 AM)
The Dark Thank you for your response and i appreciate your advice on this matter, however although my nerves are a big part of this relationship counselling for me is not a viable option. I personally do not have any available funds to do so, neither does my Master, and do not wish to talk about my problems with a professional. It's never been something i've been comfortable with the thought of doing, and apart from social nerves i'm a stable and well rounded individual who doesnt struggle with any other part of my life or work. I have had to deal with my problems pretty much alone my whole life, so its something i need to do with advice from others rather than paying out for something that would not necessarily help me in any way, at least in my eyes. I am perfectly content in this relationship, i'm happier than i ever have been my entire life. We have a good solid relationship, its loving and caring, and he's helped me in innumerable ways getting over my trust issues amongst other things over the past 4years, as i was a hell of a lot more screwed up than i am now. It's just a final barrier i need to overcome and a little advice is all i need to guide me on the right path. thank you again.

mistoferin -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:01:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SugarKitten The Dark Thank you for your response and i appreciate your advice on this matter, however although my nerves are a big part of this relationship counselling for me is not a viable option. I personally do not have any available funds to do so, neither does my Master, and do not wish to talk about my problems with a professional. It's never been something i've been comfortable with the thought of doing, and apart from social nerves i'm a stable and well rounded individual who doesnt struggle with any other part of my life or work. I have had to deal with my problems pretty much alone my whole life, so its something i need to do with advice from others rather than paying out for something that would not necessarily help me in any way, at least in my eyes. I am perfectly content in this relationship, i'm happier than i ever have been my entire life. We have a good solid relationship, its loving and caring, and he's helped me in innumerable ways getting over my trust issues amongst other things over the past 4years, as i was a hell of a lot more screwed up than i am now. It's just a final barrier i need to overcome and a little advice is all i need to guide me on the right path. thank you again. Sorry, I read your response to dark but I still agree with everything she said. You need professional help whether you wish to hear that, whether or not you wish to follow through with that. As dark said, nil.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:15:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Sorry, I read your response to dark but I still agree with everything she said. You need professional help whether you wish to hear that, whether or not you wish to follow through with that. As dark said, nil. Mistoferin, I appreciate your post however as i said the professional help is not a viable option, financially we are on the breadline, he is a student who only works part time and i am a freelance artist with no available money to go towards something like this. It's not like i can get any help in the states anyways because i am on a holiday visa, and the NHS in the UK probably wouldnt cover me getting any sort of psychological help. The funds arent physcially there even if i did want to go to a shrink and my parents certainly wouldnt pay for me to go to one, as they dont think there's anything wrong with me because i dont show them. I was merely coming onto this forum to try and get some help just to get over the nerves in the bedroom. Besides i doubt that there would be many bdsm educated psychologists who would empasise with my pov on my sexuality anyways. I've never been satisfied in a vanilla relationship when i was in them, and this is the only time i have truly been happy and relaxed and truly me. I hope people understand this. I cannot get professional help on this. I merely need a little advice for getting over first time nerves and relaxing in scenes. The relationship i'm in is happy and rewarding, its only this that is a small stumbling block. It's not something that crops up all day everyday. Thanks again

RCdc -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:26:50 PM)
I understand the states thang. But when you return to the UK and when you were in the UK for those years of your relationship - getting help would not have cost you anything on the NHS, do you understand this? I do hope so because otherwise I do fear your relationship is going to be doomed. I am trying to advise you on this with all sincerity. the.dark.

colouredin -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:34:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SugarKitten the NHS in the UK probably wouldnt cover me getting any sort of psychological help Yes they will, actually they really will, you can see psychiatrists free here, I know, I have for my anxiety. Im sorry I know what you are doing, throwing make believe obsticles in the way, and i get it, ive done it, but seriously you need to go get help, it doesnt matter how long you have put up with it so far its still too long, the longer you leave it the worse you will get (ive seen that too) You need to get help, seriously. No amount of advice on here will work to change the defence mechanisms that your brain has created to help you, they get stuck real good, only they stop helping, if they ever helped in the first place. They are created to block out serious issues that you refuse to deal with, until you deal with them they aint going no-where.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:41:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark I understand the states thang. But when you return to the UK and when you were in the UK for those years of your relationship - getting help would not have cost you anything on the NHS, do you understand this? I do hope so because otherwise I do fear your relationship is going to be doomed. I am trying to advise you on this with all sincerity. the.dark. The Dark Once again thanks for taking the time to respond to me. Looking into professional advice is something i may do in the future, but right now it is not an option, as i responded to mist a few minutes ago. As far as the relationship stands we have both worked hard over the years to support and help one another. It is really quite difficult to type exactly the reasons behind my nerves and its not something that affects me socially. I understand that you are trying to help me and i truly appreciate that, however it is only in the bedroom area that i'm nervous. I was just trying to get some advice from people of a similar disposition and mindset, instead of posting on a normal forum about first time sex nerves as they'd give the normal more mainstream response like candles and flowers and stuff like that, which really isnt us. We are in a very settled relationship, engaged actually, and i made an informed decision about all of this. I went out and did the normal dating scene when i was at university and college, or at least tried to. And i've always been pretty isolated socially because being an artist my mindset was very different to many of the people around me. I just thought it was normal, so any problem i had i discussed with my close circle of friends, and him. Counselling for me just wouldnt work, i dont open up with strangers for a long time before i even call them friends. It's just the way i am. I do appreciate your concern for me getting professional help but its not something viable right this instant. All i want to be able to do is to get over the bedroom first time nerves and i know that they'll dissapate once ive done it a few times. I can control my nerves in any other social situation, am articulate in work situations, can hold down a job, have responsibilities etc. We're both well rounded individuals who have our own and joint interests outside of the relationship. It's only the bedroom nerves i'm here to get over :3 thanks again xxx

colouredin -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:45:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SugarKitten I had a VERY sheltered upbringing, and no boyfriend until i was 20, mentally bullied and abused all through childhood by outside sources, so i didnt have any sort of "normal" interaction with boys in my teenage but i struggle to get past my nerves on everything. I just tense up. He says that its not a problem and that he understands but i feel so guilty about taking my time, I'm a very nervous and timid person anyway, with the possibilty of ADD which has never been diagnosed because i dont like going to the doctors or asking for help with anything. My attention span is short and i get jittery or bored easily or not mentally stimulated enough to keep my attention in the right place. if all it was about was a little bit of nerves in the bedroom then you would have framed it that way, whether you want to believe it or not your subconscious is saying something dfferent.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 12:52:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin quote: ORIGINAL: SugarKitten I had a VERY sheltered upbringing, and no boyfriend until i was 20, mentally bullied and abused all through childhood by outside sources, so i didnt have any sort of "normal" interaction with boys in my teenage but i struggle to get past my nerves on everything. I just tense up. He says that its not a problem and that he understands but i feel so guilty about taking my time, I'm a very nervous and timid person anyway, with the possibilty of ADD which has never been diagnosed because i dont like going to the doctors or asking for help with anything. My attention span is short and i get jittery or bored easily or not mentally stimulated enough to keep my attention in the right place. if all it was about was a little bit of nerves in the bedroom then you would have framed it that way, whether you want to believe it or not your subconscious is saying something dfferent. Sigh If everyone's going to respond to this thread as if all i need to do is visit a shrink then i may as well just stop even trying to say anything. All i wanted was a little advice on bedroom activity. But everyone's making it out as if all i need is psychological help. I typed the post in that fashion because i felt it was connected, as if giving people more information would help them to understand my situation a little better. Like if someone else went through the same thing. However in this society as it is now i guess everyone who feels this way just goes to a shrink instead of trying to help themselves out of it. I shouldve just tried to work it out myself instead of typing it in this fashion. thanks for the advice in both posts though

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:13:28 PM)
SugarKitten? If your biggest concern is that lack of knowledge and experience then believe me, you aren't alone. I don't know of anyone that didn't worry about that before giving up their virginity. The good news is this... when the time arrives you'll do fine. The human body is amazing in that respect, it knows instinctively what to do. As far as learning the best way to do oral and whatnot... there are tons of books out there and on the internet!! And if all else fails there are probably an equal amount of threads here on collarme about those subjects too. My advice would be to stop making it such a huge mountain, the more you stress the worse it's gonna be for you. Sex is a natural part of life, learn to laugh at it and with your sir about it and you'll both be much happier. *Jewel* *And please feel free to write on the other side if you need to talk... with his permission of course.*

oceanwynds -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:24:31 PM)
SugarKitten One thing i would advice is to stop focusing on the 6 months thing, that can only add to your nerves and hesitations. Being a virgin or not the first time with a new person makes a person nervous, so no you are not alone. When I met Sir, I had only been sexual with one person for 29 years prior to that-my late husband. Dang did I feel like a school girl again, all nervous and worried. I think it is just part of it and not unnatural. Just stop focusing on it's now or never(6 months), and let your Master help you ease into it. By the way I have known a lot of well -adjusted people who had sexual fears, and that didn't lessen them as a person. Many had to work them out in counseling. If that applies to you or doesn't only you know. oceanwynds

RCdc -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:25:03 PM)
Kitten Getting help from resources available to you is about helping yourself. Nobody is suggesting you see a 'shrink'. Honestly, getting counselling is far from simply seeing a shrink. Now you can get through the coming weeks and maybe even get past the issues you have, but no one can advise you how to without risking placing you in further mental turmoil. If it is only about the nerves of a first time scene, then just go with the flow. Do some meditation, centre on your service and nothing else. But still, when you have the chance - get professional assistance. the.dark.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:31:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel SugarKitten? If your biggest concern is that lack of knowledge and experience then believe me, you aren't alone. I don't know of anyone that didn't worry about that before giving up their virginity. The good news is this... when the time arrives you'll do fine. The human body is amazing in that respect, it knows instinctively what to do. As far as learning the best way to do oral and whatnot... there are tons of books out there and on the internet!! And if all else fails there are probably an equal amount of threads here on collarme about those subjects too. My advice would be to stop making it such a huge mountain, the more you stress the worse it's gonna be for you. Sex is a natural part of life, learn to laugh at it and with your sir about it and you'll both be much happier. *Jewel* *And please feel free to write on the other side if you need to talk... with his permission of course.* Jewel. Thank you for your advice :3 I have been reading up on the subject, and i think it might just be an overconcentration of nerves and buildup. I do tend to do that on big things, and changes in life but once i make the first step it goes away. And that's all i'm really looking for is advice just to make it run a bit smoother so that the transition doesnt feel bad or rushed. It's not that i'm saying that i'm "giving it up" on friday, i'm not confining myself in a box like that i just wanted to try and get over the first nerves of doing something totaly sexual to him first before we take it to the next stage. Besides aunt irma's staying so i cant do anything anyway ;3 Also i'd like to thank everyone for their posts already, if i come across as snappy or defensive i do not mean to be. It's just something that upsets me and i just need a little support. thanks all xxxx

colouredin -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:34:58 PM)
lavender oil really calms me down, maybe when you are reading you should burn some insense or something like that, make sure the enviroment you are studying in is one assoiated with comfort and relaxation (its what i have to do when i revise) then when it comes to it use the same devices to help calm you down, it creates a mental link. Also dont force it, as someone said the preoccupation with the length of time you are there will increase anxiety

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:40:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Kitten Getting help from resources available to you is about helping yourself. Nobody is suggesting you see a 'shrink'. Honestly, getting counselling is far from simply seeing a shrink. Now you can get through the coming weeks and maybe even get past the issues you have, but no one can advise you how to without risking placing you in further mental turmoil. If it is only about the nerves of a first time scene, then just go with the flow. Do some meditation, centre on your service and nothing else. But still, when you have the chance - get professional assistance. the.dark. The Dark, I'm sorry that i associate shrinks and consellors but its just something that has scared me since childhood that one day i'd have to go see one. I dont understand it and it makes me defensive, and i'm sorry if it seems that i'm coming across that way to you. I do not mean to do so. Thank you for your advice, despite my age i am still very naive on sexual matters its just nerves on the first time situation. As with everyone its building it up so much in your mind that it either excites or paralyses you with fear! I feel that i'm just building it up to be something so important that its stopping me from just going with the flow. Because everyone does it, its part of life. My service is very important to me,aswell as making sure that He is happy, i'm sure you can empathise with that situation. kitten xxx quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwynds SugarKitten One thing i would advice is to stop focusing on the 6 months thing, that can only add to your nerves and hesitations. Being a virgin or not the first time with a new person makes a person nervous, so no you are not alone. When I met Sir, I had only been sexual with one person for 29 years prior to that-my late husband. Dang did I feel like a school girl again, all nervous and worried. I think it is just part of it and not unnatural. Just stop focusing on it's now or never(6 months), and let your Master help you ease into it. By the way I have known a lot of well -adjusted people who had sexual fears, and that didn't lessen them as a person. Many had to work them out in counseling. If that applies to you or doesn't only you know. oceanwynds Oceanwynds, Thanks for your advice, i'm sure that it is just the whole first time nerves buildup that everyone has. When we have done things sexual, even if its being near to him or him touching me i dont tense all that much, i focus on service, or keeping still for him, it helps me from freaking out as i normally would. Something that i hope i can do everytime. I'm sure that its just because i'm working myself up into a tizz about it and not thinking about the bonuses of it! kitten xxx

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:43:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin lavender oil really calms me down, maybe when you are reading you should burn some insense or something like that, make sure the enviroment you are studying in is one assoiated with comfort and relaxation (its what i have to do when i revise) then when it comes to it use the same devices to help calm you down, it creates a mental link. Also dont force it, as someone said the preoccupation with the length of time you are there will increase anxiety Thanks colouredin, sorry i seemed like i snapped earlier, didnt mean to. That's good advice, i may just try that, my sense of smell is my most potent, and he loves scents and smells too, that seems like something that would benefit us both. xxxx

RCdc -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 1:51:38 PM)
Kitten It's understandable that you may be and feel a little defensive. No offense taken honestly - it's natural defense and totally natural. Have you tried meditation, aromatheraphy etc? The best thing you can do for yourself is not pre plan the whole thing. It's not for you to organise unless your Master has specifically instructed it. Don't second guess or place expectations on the outcome. I know it's hard and I do empathise. But you need to let go and relinquish the authority to him and lessen the burden on yourself. When you learn to let go, you will be serving him on such a cool level. the.dark.

SugarKitten -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 2:00:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Kitten It's understandable that you may be and feel a little defensive. No offense taken honestly - it's natural defense and totally natural. Have you tried meditation, aromatheraphy etc? The best thing you can do for yourself is not pre plan the whole thing. It's not for you to organise unless your Master has specifically instructed it. Don't second guess or place expectations on the outcome. I know it's hard and I do empathise. But you need to let go and relinquish the authority to him and lessen the burden on yourself. When you learn to let go, you will be serving him on such a cool level. the.dark. The Dark, As far as the meditation and aromatherapy i have always been interested in both, i used to try and do it when i was younger and it was something i neglected whilst at university because of stringent landlord rules about candles and stuff. It's something i would love to get into because it did calm my thoughts down. It's odd that the deeper into my submission i'm getting the less i think, but as soon as He starts asking me to think of reasons for things, or things i'd like i just cant think of anything. My mind will be busy and crowded one minute but when He's not around its blank, and i'm running on autopilot. Master really did seem surprised when i said that i wanted to give him an evening of pampering, He seemed proud that i could be spontaneous and wanted to do that. We're still new to it all, so maybe it was something that put his mind at ease that He didnt have to think it all through for a change? Giving up my "independance" and submitting to Him was the best thing i ever did, as it made me feel so free and alive. We knew that the journey was going to be hard, that we'd have to figure it all out on our own. When He just tells me what to do it takes so much strain off my shoulders and i'm pushing myself because i want to submit completely to Him. Thats why i'm seeking to break that boundary/fear.. because of Him so i can better serve Him. :3 xxx

monywildcat -> RE: Need help with getting over my nerves amongst other things! (11/12/2008 2:01:10 PM)
Your idea of the night of pampering is a good one and may be very beneficial to help you relax and focus. I second colouredin's idea of the lavender, very soothing. So's vanilla, to me anyways. And remember that first-time jitters are perfectly normal, you are in unchartered waters right now but I am sure everything will be just fine. It can be incredibly hard to turn off the brain, and just feel, but it can be done. Nay, it must be done, lest you fall into "analysis paralysis" and think things to death and then no one gets to have any fun. Relax. Deep breaths. Trust in your Master and in yourself that everything will be okay. And hey since you have this kitten mentality, would a bowl of warm milk help? [;)]

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