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RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 9:21:03 AM

oceanwynds

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As far as fixing another, I have been fortunate to not have that in my marriage or with Sir. Both of these men didn't feel that need to 'save' me. Both of these men just let me fall, and if I picked myself up good, if not so be it. Many thought that was cruel, but looking back it would been the worst thing that could have happen to me-letting someone fix me. Another benifit is that I have learned to not fix others either, which was a major thing for me.

I personally do think there are times we need to let a person fall completely, so they can finally discover what they are made of and who they are.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 61

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 10:32:53 AM

nwcutie102

Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
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myself, having many responsibilities and a caretaking profession, i look for the escape of being dependent in a private one on one relationship

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 62

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 10:35:35 AM

agirl

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I don't actually see how anyone CAN fix another person. If you provide them with the tools to fix themselves, then you merely gave them the choice to use those tools or find their own ...or not.

You can't do the work FOR someone. You can only ever offer a hand-up. People fix themselves or they stay broken.

agirl

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 63

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 10:40:35 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hathalud
So I'm curious what other beliefs there are in relation to the goal of entering a BDSM relationship. Please understand that the aspects of love, trust, mutual needs and all that are not the subject here, but other goals. Such as learning about one's self, etc.

I did not have any goals when I got into my relationship. Fox is a capable adult, and I really have no reason to go out of my way to change him. I encourage him to do well, but those are things he was involved in when we met. I went into this relatonship the same as I do any other I have ever been involved in. I want a partner, not someone who I have to construct. I can be supportive, but I do not want to have to change who he is. If I had a serious problem with who he was in which it is my goal to change or adjust it... why am I with him?

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to Hathalud)

Post #: 64

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 10:56:17 AM

WhiplashSmile2

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I'm with leadership527 regarding helping your partner become a better person. It's always wise to find out the areas your partner desires to become better in.   In terms of any mental health issue or issues in general. Again, something to explore and talk about with your partner. Sure, you might not be able to fix their issues, however, you have to be able to learn how to cope with it and manage it within your relationship.   This might require the Dominant partner to make some readjustments or pick up some new skills.

Pfffttt.. there are so many areas of "It Depends" involved in this topic.

There are submissives/slaves that want to learn skills and things that are pleasing to their Dominant partner. They would welcome being tossed self improvement, or learn how to do books in an area that their Dominant partner directs. Some people are seriously into this aspect and incorperate it into thier D/s relationships.

Back to the concept of "It Depends" again. Depends upon the people involved in the relationship their interests, their issues and how the hell they want to run thier relationship.

Everybody has some issue, flaw or fault. Some people are comfortable with who they are, some people want to change more about themselves and their life. Some people have some serious issues that they are working past.   Not every Mental health issue is Hopeless. So back to the concept of "It Depends" upon what the issue is.

I'm reading a number of post where people are not taking into account the "It Depends" factors.   I once started a thread up about "Shaping and Molding", I was literally shocked at the negative connotations those words had to many people.

What amazed me was the number of negative responses that were posted because of "Fear of not being accepted for who they are".

In terms of somebody "fixing" another person, again it "All Depends" upon the people, issue and personalities involved.    There is no right or wrong answer to this one.  It all Depends.   What works good for somebody might not work for somebody else.

In the end, it's always a good thing when one person can help another person with an issue, and it actually helps and works.   Who cares about how the results where achieved as long as it was achieved.   There are many roads that lead to the same place type of thinking.   However, one has to have a bit of an open mind to see the many roads.

(in reply to BLGirl)

Post #: 65

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 11:25:18 AM

oceanwynds

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WhiplashSmile, my question to you is does a Dominant learn from a submissive?

In any relationship, to my experience, people learn from each other. Yes, there are things Sir is better at then me, and has helped me in areas that I sought help in. To mold me into what he considered to be a good submissive, would indicate to me he felt that I was not one in the beginning. He knew what my issues were from the beginning, and if I needed help in them, he would offer what he could. However, to think He could mold me and fix me into a better person, to me represents I had nothing to offer him in the beginning. Perhaps Sir is different then some dominants, but he wanted a submissve that had something to offer, to give, not someone to make better to suit his needs. I not a person to mold, but a person to help in my growth, be it in any area of my life.

oceanwynds

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 66

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 2:17:34 PM

tactileartist

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Joined: 12/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

And yes John, I knew what you were talking about and it's exactly what I am referring to -- for simplicity's sake... serious shit.

Best of luck with that.

John

*puts on The Mom hat* - Rover and Leadership - thank you for the excellent gateway to what I want to share with this thread at large.

Disclaimer - I am not a therapist, my advice is worth what you paid for it, not responsible for Charlie the Unicorn, YMMV, car purchase does not include yoghurt maker.

I'm going to share some of my personal experience here. It's anecdotal. My answers may not be (and probably are not) anyone else's answers; it is my hope that they may provide some light for others to find theirs.

My husband and I are both recovering from... let's just say issues from previous relationships - issues that are severe enough that we both know we need a good therapist (each, not necessarily together). We cannot afford one at this time (certainly not on top of the higher priority of catching up on medical neglect and seeing headshrinkers for meds), so we have strategies we use to keep our core relationship as sane as we can, and to assist each other in healing ourselves - until we CAN afford a therapist.

1) Self-honesty.

Self honesty is more than just "Oh, my fault, *I* fucked that one up". Self honesty is also facing the positive aspects of ourselves. It's not as easy as it sounds - I'm accustomed to thinking of myself as a "crazy irresponsible fat ugly middle aged lazy [continue list ad nauseam] bitch". These aren't true (well, middle aged is, but whatever). It is not self-honest to think of myself that way, and it's harder to correct that than anything else. I am an intelligent, creative, eccentric, sometimes irrational or reactionary, heavyset (shrinking) woman with ADHD, anxiety problems, social phobias, trust issues, who is also competent at a pretty significant number of tasks. I'm tough. I'm strong, loyal, empathic, generous, and patient. At times I'm very hard to deal with and I require a lot of patience.

There's tons of other stuff, but... lists get boring. The hardest part is to acknowledge the good things.

2) Honesty with partner. Admitting to him that my greatest fear is that I won't live up to the potential he sees - or that I have other priorities to achieve, or other potential I want to fulfill - and that he'll be disappointed and won't love me anymore - was possibly THE most terrifying moment of my life. Including leaving three abusive ex husbands. Being honest with him about what I perceive as my flaws is frightening. I MUST trust him to be honest with me about what he perceives as my virtues - and my vices.

3) Patience and respect. When one of us makes a mistake (and we've both made some really interesting ones), we must be able to trust the other to be patient, respectful, and kind. When I react to him as if he were one of my ex's (usually by flinching or demonstrating some other fearful reaction), he does the best thing he could possibly do - he stops, and he waits for me. Just waits. He waits for me to take some deep breaths, and if that doesn't start soon, he'll remind me to breathe. He waits for me to indicate I'm ready to be held and reassured. He waits before asking "what was that one?". Even - ESPECIALLY - for the ones that don't seem to make any damned sense.

Once he started to help me clean something. I took three steps back and had my hands up in a defensive position (warding off the verbal assault I "knew" was coming) and it shocked him. He waited. He waited until I realized that the trigger was he got up and picked something up to put it away. And I took some deep breaths. And I realized that it was the first time in my adult life a man helped me clean without being punitive in some way. When I put my hands down, and relaxed, THEN he came over to hug me and ask me about it.... Talk about silly. And could be construed as insulting to him. He does some similar things where I need to tell him, "Sweetie, you're doing it again. Take a breath, please.... take another... it's okay. ......I'm not her; you don't have to do that."

As time has gone on, there's about 80% less triggers than there were when we were first dating. We are both better at coming back and saying "that really crazy thing? It was *this*."

4) Forgiveness. Yeah, he fucked up. Oh, definitely, I screwed the pooch on this one. Now, how do we fix it together? We each take responsibility for our mistakes, without taking blame. We forgive each other. Once it's solved, it's not "forgotten" - if it happens again, we want to know why it happened again, so we'll discuss it. Calmly. Without using the mistake as a weapon to bully the other.

I will point out it's a lot easier to do this when we say to our partner "I need help with this issue, and *this* is the help I need". My ADHD needs a LOT of help. I have a hard time with a number of household tasks. I do NOT - NOT NOT NOT - need to have him do more of the tasks. I need him to help me devise more effective strategies to direct and sustain my attention. I do not need to have him demonstrate that I really am incompetent by doing something FOR me. ...come to think of it, I NEED to have him NOT do that. Even if it is easier and faster that way. (That, boys and girls) is called "enabling" - I know, I did it to my last 3 husbands. EPIC FAIL.

There's not one little aspect of the above that is explicitly relevant to BDSM. However, MOST of it is IMPLICITLY relevant. It's about trust. I cannot have a BDSM relationship - especially a RACK one! - with someone I cannot explicitly and implicitly trust with my life (which includes my psyche, as I can at times still get quite fragile).

Using a RACK philosophy, we have decided that employing BDSM as a tool to recover from our relationship issues is... a risk we choose not to take. We are aware of the risks, and feel they are too high. The potential for me to fall right back into a depressed, victim, enabling mentality, and for him to become controlling in a way that violates my very personhood (to keep me safe and protected and provide for me, out of love, of course) is just too high.

Now, using BDSM as a tool to help me recover from my (apparently unjustified :-p ) feelings of sexual inadequacy IS within our comfort level. Largely because we have hours (and hours and hours upon countless hours) of talking and negotiation. And for THAT to work, see #4 above on forgiving mistakes being absolutely ESSENTIAL - especiallly my being forgiving of his mistakes (and they've been rare).

It sounds fairly simple when it's typed out. It's not. It's fucking hard. It requires a lot of attention, introspection, swallowing a hurtful reaction to something unexpected. It requires realizing that when your partner is hurting, or angry, or triggering, or reacting in an unproducitve way. It requires things that I'm ... out of words for, at the moment.

Well, this is longer than I intended, and I'm out of energy to keep blathering on, so I'll close with thanking Rover and Leadership for the exchange quoted above that allowed me to articulate my own thoughts and experiences (which is helping me), and hopefully will give others here food for thought.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 67

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 4:39:19 PM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
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goals?? oh CWAP !!

Okay - my goal is to make my playmate mushy-brained and happy all in the name of compatible kink and my getting to use everyhing in my toy box!!

My other goal is to add one of those shiny, ball-tipped anal hooks to my collection.

oh..and <ahem> to reflect well on the wise dom/mes that crammed all sorts of information into my head.

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"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 68

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 4:40:32 PM

WhiplashSmile2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

WhiplashSmile, my question to you is does a Dominant learn from a submissive?

In any relationship, to my experience, people learn from each other. Yes, there are things Sir is better at then me, and has helped me in areas that I sought help in. To mold me into what he considered to be a good submissive, would indicate to me he felt that I was not one in the beginning. He knew what my issues were from the beginning, and if I needed help in them, he would offer what he could. However, to think He could mold me and fix me into a better person, to me represents I had nothing to offer him in the beginning. Perhaps Sir is different then some dominants, but he wanted a submissve that had something to offer, to give, not someone to make better to suit his needs. I not a person to mold, but a person to help in my growth, be it in any area of my life.

oceanwynds

Oceanwynds, you betcha a Dominant learns from a submissive, at least can learn from the submissive just as much as a submissive can learn from a Dominant.   The point I was trying to make is that, some people are placing limitations upon many "It Depends" factors.

I was very quick to Admit on that Shaping and molding thread I started that the Dom is also shaped and molded in the same process. Just as much as I can shape and mold my submissive partner she shapes and molds me at the same time.

BTW, it's a little ironic that when I was officially introduced to "the lifestyle" is was by a submissive who was a friend of mine. None the less, I've always been open minded about learning things from a submissive partner. If I had not I would not have done probally 1/2 the things I have done already.

For me a D/s relationship involves both people opening up very deep parts of themselves to one another. I want her to know me like the back of her hand, how else is she going to know what pleases me or does not. She is of great value to me and in my life. She is there to help me as much as I am there to help her.   Two people being able to connect deeply and understand one another. It takes time, some work and a little patience.   How can I be a Dominant to anybody I do not know, and how can anybody submit to me without knowing me? I'm not just talking about the physical act of D/s, I'm including things such a the mind and soul along with the body that contains it all.

I've had submissives stop me in my tracks and make me think or see things in a different light for a moment. That is Quality Service if you ask me. It's the ones that don't assert things that sort of trouble me.   If was about to accidently walk off a cliff and my submissive partner was watching me at the time, I'd hope they say something to me. Those girls that are too fearful to say anything watch me fall like Wile E. Coyote off the edge of a cliff and disappear into cloud of dust, really are not being of service. lol..

< Message edited by WhiplashSmile2 -- 11/13/2008 4:43:30 PM >

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 69

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 4:56:06 PM

oceanwynds

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Thank you Whiplash Smile for replying.
You sound like an awesome Dominant. I too feel that each needs to know mind , body and soul of each other, as we watch it become a mind, body and soul of Us.

blessings,
oceanwynds

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 70

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 4:58:55 PM

mummyman321

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Goals...hhmmm......to find a Domme as kinky as I am so we both can have endless fun. When that happens eveything else just seems to fall in place.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 71

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 5:20:53 PM

leadership527

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~FR~
As to the original question, my goals for my relationship are to create a sustainable, loving, mutually fulfilling relationship with my wife wherein the two of us are actualized as humans as completely as I can manage. Stuff like dealing with my own issues, or Carol's or someone else's are just steps towards that end.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 72

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 10:22:49 PM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Fast Reply to no one in particular....

As this thread progresses, I'm reminded of the problems inherent to Dominants with a need to "fix" others, and submissives with the idea that all they need is a Dominant to "fix" them. BDSM as therapy... ugh.

John

That would be really sad, Rover. I am glad that is not in my case. I can't be fixed by anyone, but myself.
Am curious is this really a problem that some Dominants go through?

Yeah, unfortunately it's a problem encountered by both Dominants and submissives. Many Dominants go through a "Knight in shining armour" period where a "damsel in distress" is very appealing. Until they figure out the distress is perpetual.

And there are plenty of submissives who think that their crappy lives would only be better if that "Knight in shining armour" would come along and fix it all for them. Until they find out that it doesn't work that way.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

John

I think that what you're talking about with the fix-it thing and getting all wound up in those dynamics is likely co-dependence.
As a counselor, I share peoples' mortification of the idea of bdsm as therapy.
I will say that as me, sans letters after my name, degrees on wall, and all that happy crap, I see value in transmuting negative experiences into beauty and can sometimes see, personally, power dynamics as a means of doing that. Can that backfire? Oh, yeah. And, it sucketh greatly when it does. But, that's where personal responsibility comes into play on the parts of all parties. At least, ideally that is what would happen.
Would I recommend to clients to engage in bdsm to work out issues? No freakin' way; it would be unethical, they'd take my license away in a heartbeat, and the lawsuits that could ensue would keep me from being able to keep my animals in the style to which they have grown accustomed and it's that and the opposable thumbs that cause them to allow me to stay, so we can not have that.
Would I work with a client who wishes to have D/s in their lives to understand how those choices may link with past stuff, blah, blah, blah. Of course. I have. It's a valid point of inquiry and a potential vehicle for growth.
None of us are blank slates and one person's catharsis is on a couch while another's is on all fours under the falls of a flogger. Each unto their own and all with potential validity.
Davan

Leadership--Wishes for the best possible outcome and minimal freaking out with the 'serious shit' to which you refer.

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 73

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/13/2008 11:01:39 PM

candystripper

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Hathalud, I respectfully disagree. A grown woman who is 'unstable' etc. needs to get her collective shit together so that she has something to offer, IMO. Those whose lives are a complete shitstorm -- and it may happen to anyone, at some point in their lives -- are not 'emotionally availabe'. Women (and men) over age 21 who have abandoned the idea of self-suffiency and maturation are, IMO, just parasites.

When someone is in distress, I will walk beside them if they are someone I already love. Elsewise, they need to draw on their own resources and the folks who love them to get through it.

I don't thank 'white knights' or 'rescuers' are truely emotionally available either. If you (the collective 'you') can only relate to someone if she 'needs' to be saved, you are IMO seeking relationship rewards other than the trust and intimacy of a power dymanic.

There are exceptions of course. Some folks have walked through a shitstorm alongside a distressed person and thereafter found them to be terrific partners. I just happen to think the odds of this happening are so low, it's not a chance I'd be willing to take.

BTW, it's not just submissives who 'need rescuing'. Doms sometimes do it as well. I am bumfuddled at the men my age who tell me their lives are in serious disarray. I feel not at all attracted to them, especially as Doms, no matter how much compassion I might feel for their circumstances.

candystripper

(in reply to Hathalud)

Post #: 74

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 12:36:13 AM

stella41b

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I was drawn to this thread thinking it was something to do with BDSM and soccer. Oh well.

Goals are good if you generally have a plan but I'm not one of those people. I'm just me, I enjoy the simplicity of living in the 'here and now', in the present day, and basically doing all the things I need to do just to get through the day.

If I were in a relationship I guess it would be the same, but with the additional element of being concerned about two people getting through the day.

This doesn't mean that I don't think about the future, I do, but I realise that my thoughts to the future extend to what I would like, what I hope, and what I want and need as opposed to what is. If and when I get to know someone with a friendship or relationship in mind, I don't have any aims or goals because that would mean that my expectations would surpass the reality of what the relationship actually is. Time and time again I have learned that having expectations which surpass the reality of a friendship or a relationship only serve to make you feel insecure, disappointed when something doesn't work out, and it can be a source of pain and bitterness if it all falls apart.

Therefore I'm just me, this is today, no goals, no preconceived notions, and no agenda. I'm a free spirit.

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(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 75

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 12:38:14 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

You can't do the work FOR someone. You can only ever offer a hand-up. People fix themselves or they stay broken.

agirl

I absolutely agree with this. And it may be a tough hand, a gentle hand, or anything in between. Through my former owner I learned all kinds of tools to help me out of the hell I had previously been occupying. He guided, but I did the work.

Fast forward to today, and to answer the OP, I have a lot of things to work on, currently, but my goal is to become as well rounded and secure with myself as I can, so I can (a) be happy with myself and my life; and (b) contribute something positive in a committed relationship that adds to his life and mine.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 76

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 12:42:32 AM

ElectraGlide

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My Goal is our Vision of our future. We have discussed it. It is a long term relationship. A relationship that is so good, it is the one we never had. So far we are having it, we are very happy.

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(in reply to Twicehappy2x)

Post #: 77

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 2:45:06 AM

Hathalud

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Joined: 11/4/2008
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*sighs* People turned this into a "Fix it" thread. I never asked about fixing people... I help people. There's a major difference.
Let me restate this emphatically, not that it's going anything since people are all hard up on this as a "fix it" thread, which was totally not my intention at all... it was to be an exploration of different goals people had in their relationships... but humans on a whole are fallible and easily goaded into an avalanche.... or are lemmings... or whatever...

Someone else asked how do I know what my subs need in the moment... I only know because they tell me and they seek my guidance. If they didn't want an answer or the help, one of two things is going to happen. Either A) they're not going to bring it up at all and I'll never be aware of the issue or B) They won't follow my advice and they won't get anywhere with it. The onus on getting "fixed" is on them. All I do is point the way and ask on occasion if they are making any progress. As the Kybalion says, "When the ears of the student are ready to hear, then cometh the lips to fill them with Wisdom.
All I wanted to do was get a grasp of what other people look to get out of their relationships that they choose to include their BDSM fun in... be it topping/bottoming, D/s or whatever. At this point I'm exasperated and tired of the BS the majority of posters to this thread have done. Some precious few have been awesome in explaining how helping their loved partner is great. Then there are the ones that said they are in it just to have fun... a perfectly valid goal. I accept this. But neither of those are what this thread was intended for.... And I'm going to try to get this thread back onto the track I had originally intended.. If I get abrasive, I apologize ahead of time, I'm starting to really get annoyed with how narrow minded people are simply because they read everyone else's BS and can't dismiss all that and just look at what I've posted to try to keep this thread on track to where I wanted to go.

All my my subs have to be polyamorus, else I wouldn't take them... but is there anything truly wrong with getting them to read "Stranger in a Strange Land" just so that they can understand me and my ideas better if they haven't already? Just because they are already doing something that falls inline with my own desires doesn't mean that they have read/watched/listened/seen/experienced what I want them to so that we can relate better and have a more harmonious relationship. Understanding leads to compassion... compassion leads to support and working things out... no relationship is ever going to be 100% smooth sailing, but building bonds of shared things like this (be it words, definitions, ideals or visions) cannot be wrong. People further up the thread want to cane me just because I want my subs to read Heinlien. Geez, cut off my nads folks for assigning non-kinky work that isn't related to my home.

What about other goals? Like I've recently asked my sweet Dever what she's wanted to experience.... she's taking her time and is thinking about it before she gets back to me. I know what she wants out of a BDSM relationship. That tight bond of intimacy, love and trust. I feel almost married to her. We idly chit chat and exchange "I love yous" all day long, but what else does she want? I'm opening her up to the world of perversion... kinkiness... when I first met her, she was willing to explore, but she had zero understanding of what could be done and how painful things could be enjoyed. Now she understands more and that's the result of a goal... of the mutual goal of exploration.... Was it wrong of me to hand her a kinks list, tell her to fill it out and then for me to accept it back with the intention of exploring with her everything that she's wanted to at least see what it's like? Pardon me if I'm wrong... but that's a goal.... Exploring the different toys or the different fetishes available.....

Or what if one of my subs wants to go off and do XYZ (Vacation... school... buy a new computer) but it takes ABC preparation, is it so wrong of me to set that as a goal and ask them periodically how they're coming along on that goal? Sometimes it's nice to know that someone else cares enough about you meeting your own goals that they bother to ask. And before some weedling claims that I'm smothering or domineering, note that I said they have this desire and I ask periodically. They have the goals or the criteria, I just accept it as a goal to inquire about. I don't get on them about things every day unless the goal needs to be addressed on a daily basis... and even then the onus is on them. I ask a few times a week. If they fail the goal that week/day, my disappointment usually enough to have an affect on them. I'm not going to tan their hides just for failing. In fact, I'm a loving Dom, I don't ever "punish" my subs. When I spank, flog, whip, flameplay, etc, it's because we both wanted to do it. I don't need to get angry with them to hurt them or whatever. If that's your style, that's your thing, but I'm diametrically opposite to it.

And what about other serious questions? Why are they wanting to submit? Where does that desire stem from? And what was the origination of that? Know thy self.... I should have put "Made it so that they know themselves better", since so few people in this day and age do, as opposed to "more rounded and stable"... I thought I knew myself... until I admitted I was bi.... I thought knew myself until I admitted that I'm spiritually transgendered. And you know what? I'm still learning more about myself all the time.... but that's because I have the drive and desire to learn.... and my subs have to grow and evolve with me... even if their growth and evolution is in other directions. It doesn't matter how they are changing, so long as they are becoming more authentic to themselves and as a byproduct of that, more authentic in being with me too. Is it so wrong of me to ask them these questions and to get them to simply think?

Now to address your specific post.... people who have lives that are total shit storms.... yeah, best left alone.. but others can use a little help in less dramatic ways... and that's some... not all... it's on a case by case basis... And then there are some who's lives are not exactly "shitstorms" but they need serious help that there is no trained professional able to provide....

For instance what are you going to suggest to do with a latent empath who's mind is overloaded with the "whitenoise" of those around her? Tell her to rely on her friends and family who probably have zero conscious knowledge in this realm of things? I'd teach her how to shield herself, throttle the influx of data down to a more manageable amount and block out the rest. It would be irresponsible of me to turn her out just because she's not learned this on her own and no one else she has in her life knows enough to teach it to her. Am I really a bad Dom for this? And for those of you that don't believe in Extra Sensory Percetption (ESP), that's fine. I'm not going to ask you to believe in the Tao either, but this is something I've actually done on several occassions because they had the signs. I asked them the right questions and they gave the right answers, so I suggested to them how to solve this problem.... Am I really horrid for telling people how to solve their issues, even ones that are more than physical/mental/emotional? Is it wrong of me to give spirtual advice?

What about other things? Common issues that have not destroyed their lives, but could use a loving and helping hand in moving in the right direction? Such as having self esteem issues? Is it so wrong of me to ask them.... note I said ask them.... ask them to formulate their own positive affirmations and have them say them a few times a day to help address this issue? This is not hard to do.

I'm no white knight in shining armor rescuing damsels in distress, I'm a kinky perverted fluffy bunny (grey furred though) with a riding crop in one hand and a copy of the Kybalion in the other while being loving and supportive but sexually promiscuous (look up the original meaning of promiscuous) in the exploration of life. Anyone else that sees me different doesn't know me and can suck on an egg or lick their own boots whatever else they'd find self gratifying in a humiliating way.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 78

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 5:20:50 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

What is your complaint, dude? That when a thread starts, human beings will take it in many directions and not all of them will be to your satisfaction? That other people may think or act differently than you? Cripes, get over it.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I don't give a rat's ass about what you do in your relationships.... this isn't a thread about YOU.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Hathalud)

Post #: 79

RE: Goals in BDSM - 11/14/2008 6:24:01 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

What is your complaint, dude? That when a thread starts, human beings will take it in many directions and not all of them will be to your satisfaction? That other people may think or act differently than you? Cripes, get over it.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I don't give a rat's ass about what you do in your relationships.... this isn't a thread about YOU.

John

For once, I totally agree with Rover

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 80

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