Do you ask your sub questions

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Do you ask your sub questions

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Do you ask your sub questions

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 1:07:00 PM

sirtopumhat

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/20/2005
Status: offline

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Post #: 1

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 1:11:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Yes. Whenever you are starting with someone new or starting a new technique, you should get feedback.

Yes, this might keep them out of a yummy headspace for awhile, but it's better to be sure than regretful. Over time you can let it go.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 1:37:28 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I don't know why you feel that being concerned for her well being is giving her "that degree of control". My partner stops periodically during a scene and speaks softly in my ear, asks if I'm "still with him?" or something of that nature. It's brief and it lets me know he cares about me. In "exchange", I trust him with every bone in my body and every ounce of my being. And the headspace gets even yummier because I can just let go and let him take me into deeper space.

I wouldn't dream of letting someone I didn't trust that implicitly to have that degree of control over ME.

However, you don't need to ask every 30 seconds. That would be annoying, lol. As you become more experienced, you can also watch her face, her body language, listen to the sounds she makes, if any. Although, a flinch or a grimace isn't necessarily a bad thing. And I trust that you have safe words in place.

Or, maybe you're asking too many questions? Maybe you've reached a point where, if she's not screaming epithets or cursing your parentage, then she likes it, it does feel good, it's not too much, and she may even want more! Don't ask "do you like this?" for every piece of equipment or technique you use. If she doesn't like it, she should be saying so. Don't ask, "Am I whipping you too hard?" If you are, she should be using at least a "yellow" type safe word to let you know that she's near her limit. Despite what you may have heard, she is NOT supposed to just take whatever is dished out, at least not in a new relationship. Communication is important!

In time, you'll grow in greater sync with each other. Good luck!

chymes

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 1:46:50 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirtopumhat

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Libby came up with a ten point scale with ten = I'm gonna safeword and one = I'm falling asleep. It makes check-in easier since we only have to say "give me a number" to get a response and that keeps from breaking the mood.

I'll also use a "hand squeeze" as a check-in. I squeeze her hand and she squeezes back to signify everything is OK.

One novice couple where the man was nervous and the woman wanted her breasts whipped came to us once. We recommended a "pirate prisoner" roleplay with him whipping her breasts and demanding that she suck his cock. Later, they reported having a great time and his being amazed that she "held out" for so long. This way, he got to check in after each stroke and she got to use "no" to mean "yes."

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 1:52:41 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Feedback is good and a good open conversation after the scene has ended is most helpfull
to ask her questions "during" the scene can be distracting.
If she has a safeword then just listen for that.
You need to learn her reactions as to what she does and does not like and that will take time

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 2:05:19 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,

Where does asking questions give the sub a form of controll" "I don't like it" is just there oppinion and not something that you have to follow or abide by. The response "That's to hard." Does not mean you can't make it harder.

I ask these type of questions in a different and mischivious type of way.

1. Are you feeling it hurt now?

2. Are you ready for a ________ one?

3. Is that making you horney?

4. Is that making you wish you didn't disobey me?

5. Are you sure you're warmed up enough?

By reading there body language you should be able to tell when your sub has truely had enough. For me, asking questions is a way to let them know whats comming next or to imply that something is going to change. I use questions as apart of the scene as a part of mental/emotional torture rather than making sure that they're alright. I use there answers against them replying variations of "Ahhhhhh that's to bad. Here's another slap to you"

Unless it's a safe word, body language is what answers your real questions of if they are okay rather than what comes out of there mouth. I've known some masochist who keep asking for more when there body is broken, cut, and bruised all over. So I don't trust the words of yes, no, stop, and more. Instead, I go by what there body does and repsonds to.
My questions are normally sarcasticly asked to promote more opprotunity to be mean.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 2:21:55 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

You've gotten some really good answers there. (Thanks JohnWarren, I think I'll use that one with my Sub!)

Don't confuse care and compassion with control. It's much better to go slowly and let her give you feedback than to do something one or both of you will regret later. Remember this session is for her pleasure too so until you know her VERY well it's a good idea to keep the communication lines open.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 3:44:09 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirtopumhat

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Yeah... I ask questions ... and for different reasons as well... mmmmmmmmmm well if you are worried about ruining the power exchange then don't ask the questions. Of course given the specfic reasons that ask the questions for in the first place... you will likely feel like you are increasing the risk of hurting your bottom... I suspect that you feel the need to ask... you BETTER ASK! Not asking becuase you don't want to ruin the power exchange is a not an adequate reason to not ask a question with regards to ones safety. But, hey, that's me... I kinda like to know that my girl is ok when I am venturing into new territory.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 4:08:31 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I was taught that there is no such thing as a supid question and I believe it.
Communication is the key to any successful relationship.
So, ask away.....atleast, until she says "shut the fuck up and keep on whipping."

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 4:33:33 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

I'm just a sub, but my Master does ask me questions during a scene if its something new. Over time, He has gotten to know my body and its responses, but He does still ask just to be sure. I have never had to use my safeword, but I do still have one just in case something is going wrong.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 5:00:09 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

quote:

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Master asks absolutely ZILCH questions. Which is fine, as i volunteer feedback and if i'm gagged i STILL volunteer feedback. Everything is noticed.

Body language. Body language, body langauge, body language. Master neednt ASK me questions as he can already see his answers.

body language is usually a very good indicator of whats going on with your sub. Body language.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 12/20/2005 5:01:09 PM >

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 5:10:18 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

None of those who I have been with have every stopped to ask or see if I was ok...but they knew me very well, and had started slowly with me, so they were well aware of the small changes in my body or in my breathing that indicated things HAD to stop, or that things were getting too much.

And anytime something took me too far, it not only halted the play immediatly, but was throughly discussed after.

As RiotGirl said...body language, body language, body language

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 8:39:43 PM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

A good Top/Master/Dom will also be able to read the person they are playing, everything from body language to the tone of voice they are using, well depending on if they are gagged or not *s* Talking before and after is crucial in understanding if both of your needs are being met, how play was interpreted, etc.
A well timed "you doing okay?" does not lessen my Top's power over me, it just makes Him that much more responsible. It also doesn't mean He will care if I say that hurt either, since that is kind of the point to our play *ss* He's a bit sadistic that way. (heehee)

denika

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 9:12:43 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

Questions are a good idea in the beginning. Once you have both established known likes/preferences, they needn't be as important to the interaction. Generally speaking, however, I always encourage and foster an environment of communication and trust.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/20/2005 9:13:59 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

None of those who I have been with have every stopped to ask or see if I was ok...but they knew me very well, and had started slowly with me, so they were well aware of the small changes in my body or in my breathing that indicated things HAD to stop, or that things were getting too much.

And anytime something took me too far, it not only halted the play immediatly, but was throughly discussed after.

As RiotGirl said...body language, body language, body language

body language, body language, body language.... I agree however,... me reading another's play and attempting to read their body language in their play is as useless as a blind man trying to read the signs in LasVegas. The communication that exists within play is very specific to those involved.... and only those involved can truly understand the language.

I have been punched... Kneed in the groin.. Head butted... Tripped to the floor... sprayed with water... ran from(that was fun), I have been kicked, I have had my toys snatched from my hands..... I have had my nose licked... I have had my girl punch a wall or a piece of furniture... I had them laughing to the point they can't stop... I had them crying to the point of gasping for breath. I had them shaking, I had them motionless.... But not once have they been harmed, yes a bad hit here and there... alittle ouch that just wasn't to my liking *G* But thru all that and then some... what did they communicate to me in every one of those instances "DAMN THIS IS FUN LETS PLAY IT AGAIN"

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 12/20/2005 9:15:42 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/21/2005 8:11:23 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I was not in any way trying to state that a person can understand and read anothers body language accuaratly after only a couple times together. I know better than that lol : ) But at the same time, if you have been with someone for awhile, you begin to learn those little nuances, and are able to read them much more accuratly.

With me, if my partner was to periodically try and see if I was ok...it would be useless because I literally become unable to speak...if he was to ask me for some other kind of sign...it would be useless...Anyone I am with, has to know me very well because my body language is the only thing that will be able to tell him that I am either ok, or its going to far.

For those who are new together, yes, by all means, go slow, periodically check to see how your partner is doing, and watch for signs that things may be going too far with them.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 2:38:36 AM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"?

During play, i'm like some other submissives have stated, i logically cannot answer a question. I talk totally out of my head and the information is useless. Body language is key and going slow to learn that language.

My Master will use the nipple test by pinching my nipples really hard to test my state of being coherent. My reactions let him know where i am.

In the beginning of my training, Master did not use the question "do you like that?" in a scene, but did use that question to find out what i enjoy physically, made me conscious of things that i really enjoyed, made me think about the things I really enjoyed and let me know that physical act could be stopped or taken away for disobedience. Very effective i might add.

So, in this sense by asking this question wasnt giving me control at all, but was sealing his control.

Respectfully,
BTs willing

_____________________________

Definitely A Journey!

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 3:37:37 AM

MasterLark

Posts: 249
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

I'd only add to the great thoughts already expressed that I would want to presume before you have even had a play session, you know her physical, emotional and mental history well enough to know that if what you do may trigger either physical issues or buried emotional/mental unresolved issues. For example, I wanted my slave to frequently repeat a certain phrase at a certain moment and she kept refusing (without explantation) which earned her punishments. In time, even though I had a wealth of knowledge about her past, she finally revealed that the verbal repetitions triggered childhood memories of being bullied and embarassed at school -- an emotional trauma I had no interest in replicating ignorantly.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 4:22:55 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

For me all My owner needs to do is check my hands or lack of movement. I am masochistic and need not to speak during a scene or my head space is gone. If he wants to keep me from sub space the best way is to ask questions and make me answer.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 6:40:01 AM

tendergirl

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline

I trust my Master implicitly and I actually like rougher and deeper play than He needs to inflict. He demands that I reply to His call. He strongly says my name then I reply "Yes Master" . If I can do that, He asks nothing more. He will also ask me to repeat my safeword if He thinks I am flying too high or if He thinks I may be too far away from Him in a scene.

It is His job to protect my safety and I trust Him to do that. We do discuss at a later time what has gone on in a scene. We negotiated everything prior to getting together and we have discussed boundaries all the way to hard limit. There is no question.

He cares for me greatly and will stop periodically to hold me, check my breathing (or lack of it), check my circulation, lift me off of floors etc to let blood back into my legs after kneeling etc.

I think the time to ask alot of questions is outside a session. And I cannot talk much directly afterward. I have never been in a scene with my Master where He had to ask or I had to safeword. He does push my limits, but he talks me through them, especially with breath play (please don't lecture me about breath play).

Anyway, I hope that helps.

love from tendergirl (owned by Gman50)

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Do you ask your sub questions

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094