healing up and forgiving

healing up and forgiving (Full Version)

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softness -> healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 8:01:58 AM)
I wanted to ask other submissives and slaves about their experiences of forgiving past hurts, moving past mistakes that have been made, and rebuilding bridges. I also wanted to ask about any slaves who had experience begging for the return of a collar? Yesterday I has some amazing personal news .. and around 5 am out of an instinct I have carefully ignored since September 1st I loaded up my computer to track someone down who I profoundly needed to share that news with. We talked on the phone for over 4 hours. I saw there was some healing up and forgiving I needed to do, some admitting to mistakes I had made ... and wondered what experience and advice could be offered from those who have been through something similar

beargonewild -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 9:10:19 AM)
For this sub, who had made a lot of mistakes over the years and have hurt close and dear friends, I had to eat a lot of crow and found it is a humbling experience. I try to learn form my screw ups and use that knowledge so if I find I'm about to do something very stupid, I remind myself of that. What had worked for me when mending fences is to be the first to admit I was wrong, accept the repercussions and most importantly: forgive myself.

daddysliloneds -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 9:18:48 AM)
we both had to admit to making mistakes so there was no blame-game involved or self-righteous indignity standing in the way; we rebuilt the bridges only by accepting the fact that those bridges would lead to no where but friendship situations. don't have any advice to offer regarding begging of a collar back; i've always been one to find moving forward, not backwards is more productive and fullfilling for me.

KatyLied -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 9:32:14 AM)
I think that moving forward, happily and with grace is more positive than trying to recapture something from the past that didn't work the first time.

xXLithiumXx -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 9:37:58 AM)
Saying your sorry, or admitting that you made a mistake, can be the hardest thing a person has to do. We all like to think that we are right, and that our point of view is the only one that should matter. It takes a strong person to let go, to let the past stay in the past. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we have been together for 5. Up until recently, I thought that all of the things we had done to each other was in the past. Then something happened, and we started talking. I dont know if the talking was out of a need for closure, because we were on the verge of divorcing, or because it was just time to talk. I wish I knew that. But I found that in the 3 years that we have been married, our relationship was basically a tit for tat situation. I would do something, so he would do something, then I would do something else. We were basically together to see who could hurt the other one more, even tho we loved each other very much. But the last 6 months, it was all out war. He found some one else he wanted to talk to more, and trust more than he wanted to talk to and trust me, and I was left feeling very confused and alone. While I did have his collar a few years back, I removed it. He never said I was released, and it wasnt something we talked about. It just kind of faded into the back ground, in spite of what either of us wanted or needed. I mean sure, there was the occasional playful Saturday night, where the top and bottom roles were defined, but in day to day life, the part of me that submitted to him, that wanted to be possessed by him, was shut down, and ignored. So, the betrayal was very open, and I took it very hard. I didnt realize that I had spent all of this time shutting him out, ignoring him, or what he wanted and needed from me as his wife, and I didnt see that I wasnt acting like the submissive I wanted to be for him. Once I started realizing that, I started making changes. I started stepping up. Part of me wants to talk to him and explain to him that I miss being his...(I used to love it when he would say..."thats My girl" when I did right) but at the same time, I know that its not what he wants. So I dont push it. Ive never been very good at begging either. Lol. Even when it is something I want. I tend to be more on with the bull in a china shop idea of just throwing it out there and waiting for things to explode, or what have you. The point is, because I know Im rambling now, (sorry bout that) you know if you did something wrong. The thing is...what do you do with it now? You have choices, you can ignore it, and just know that you tried to mend that bridge, or you can actually change it, and let the person know that youve changed it. I take it from what you have said that this person means more to you than just the random person would, so you may want to show an effort in their direction. If they were dominant to you, and you want that collar back, then I would say, dont push it, just let what ever is going to happen, happen. Pushing may do more harm, and may make your efforts seem insincere. If the natural inclination is to be submissive to that person, then do so, but do so softly, gracefully, and naturally. Dont push....what ever you do...dont push. You may not like the reaction that you will get. But above all, be open about your mistakes, offer them the ability to share their perspective with you, and LISTEN. Make sure that you LISTEN. Not just take it in, but do something about it....Know that you arent perfect, that you did make mistakes, and be willing to listen to them, even tho you may want to scream your justifications. Simply, there is no justification for hurting some one that you claim to care about. In the end, you both may have out grown each other, or you may have grown just right for each other. But that will remain to be seen according to how the two of you act. And what you do now. Moving forward beyond hurts isnt easy for any one. But it can be done, and you can come out stronger for the steps that you take to do so, but you really need to be open minded and you really need to have the ability to face who and what you really are in the eyes of another person. I wish you luck in you progress. Change is never easy.

daddysliloneds -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 9:50:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xXLithiumXx Saying your sorry, or admitting that you made a mistake, can be the hardest thing a person has to do. We all like to think that we are right, and that our point of view is the only one that should matter. there should be nothing difficult about admitting mistakes and/or apologizing, or at least, not by anyone who considers themselves to be human rather than god-like, or those over the age of nine.

RealSub58 -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 10:15:41 AM)
Forgiving = letting someone out of debtors prison.Forgiving is good, but we don't always forget.Letting someone out of debtors prison is remembering to forget. Remembering may come back to bite you even worse. Never hold past issues of another against someone new.Sometimes it is just better to move on/forward because we have learned a valuable lesson or that person was good for us for a period in out lives.

greeneyedreamer -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 10:32:13 AM)
It is very difficult for me to stay angry with people. I don't know why. After I heal, I tend to forgive, maybe not really forget, but definitely forgive. I think being bitter makes you-well- bitter! and I for one don't want to be bitter all my life. Dreamer

DesFIP -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 10:59:59 AM)
Caveat: Just because it's time for you to be able to sincerely apologize and ask forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person will want to go back down that road again. From my point of view, unless you have done a lot of work to come to this realization and have already made substantive changes, I will accept your apology but refuse to revisit the relationship. Because feeling sorry for what you've lost isn't at all the same as making those life changes that will allow you not to keep responding the same way in the future.

mbes -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 12:08:27 PM)
Is the op asking about asking for forgiveness, or giving it to another? I seem to have read it differently than many of the replies indicate? Anyway, giving forgiveness isn't easy for me. I'll forget, then something brings the subject to mind again, and off I go. Since we've been involved in d/s, I've made a conscious attempt to let things go, and remember that he never, ever, means to hurt me... in bad ways, anyway. [;)] He never seems to have much trouble forgiving me, although I do believe all those things I've done in the past live on in his mind. Occasionally they will come back, but I understand where they come from.

NuevaVida -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 12:31:27 PM)
Wow, softness, we're on the same wave length or something. I was thinking of a way to begin a thread very much like this, just this morning. I've been doing so much thinking and processing on this very subject, and it has not been easy. Just recently I began realizing the anger in me was eating me up, and reflecting itself in my words to others. This is not how I want to be. I talked to some very close friends about the situation. One of them verbally slugged me so hard it ticked me off, but I needed it, and I knew I needed it. The other told me to rid myself of the "you" words in all my sentences and replace them with "I" words. Rather than deflecting my anger outward, it would serve me well to look inward. This is what I came up with: I realize we can not make people be who they are not. I learned this while dealing with my divorce. I was angry at my ex husband for being the man that was my ex husband. And in this case, I found myself angry at my former owner for simply being the man who is my former owner. But the reasons we become angry at people is because they have not met our expectations of them. And I did have expectations of him, as a responsible owner. Yet we fail to see our expectations may be unrealistic, based on who that person is. Most often, people do the best they can and still fall short and disappoint others. And he did disappoint me. My job now is to recognize that, let it go, and focus on what lies ahead. That said, I did gain a lot from what our relationship was, though it came with a high price tag. And while I’ll be paying that price for some time to come, I do not regret what occurred; in fact, I am grateful for it, as it changed me as a person. So now I take the lessons I learned and I apply them to my life moving forward. I am working on forgiveness. I have not yet completely forgiven. In time I will. But I know I will not receive the answers from him that I need, so I don’t ask. I know I will not receive the friendship I would have liked with him, so I do not seek it. But I am letting go of the anger and confusion, as it was becoming a cancer in me, eating me alive. I wrote these thoughts out last night, and felt a weight lifted. Maybe that's why I finally fell asleep so easily, too. I can start letting go now. I can let go of that anger - because that was huge and exhausting. I can think about how much I loved him (and still do), and how great my experience was. I'm starting to feel better.

slaveluci -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 12:42:47 PM)
[image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/yourock.gif[/image] Beautifully stated. I truly wish you all the best. You deserve it girl[:)].......................luci

natasha66 -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/15/2008 1:15:33 PM)
Forgiving is the (relatively) easy part. i for one don't generally want to forget past mistakes (either my own or someone else's) - if i do, i run the risk of repeating them, and therefore wind up in the same boat that caused the misery initially. Live and learn, but move on. Easier said than done in many cases, but so worth it in the final analysis.

mzbehavin -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 10:41:33 AM)
It depends on the situation of course, but i am one who believes in second chances. Where there is true growth, and understanding of past mistakes, along with an unwillingness to repeat them. It could work. Also, its not always moving backwards to reunite. Sometimes, its moving forward, with a better understanding. People evolve. Sometimes together, sometimes not. Best wishes.

sincitykitty -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 1:01:31 PM)
Forgiveness doesn't mean togetherness. Sometimes you can apologize and ask for forgiveness and not get it, so you will have to be willing to forgive yourself in that case. On the other hand, it also depends on how often you ask forgiveness for the same infraction. My contention has always been... if you stomp on my foot once and apologize, I'm very likey to forgive you, but after the third stomp, I'm likely to be a bit dubious of your apology.

corsetgirl -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 2:38:52 PM)
Wow! I can definitely relate to this area. This took me a year to finally move on as I was very hurt by the most recent ex-dom who had fallen in love with someone else. I made quite a few mistakes with my insecurities and jealousy with this past relationship. We have all forgiven each other and still remain to be good friends. I have worked on a lot of things and have asked many questions to avoid the same mistakes I have made before and I am still a work in progress. I have also learned to cool my temper by stepping back and trying to gather my thoughts when I am calm. Before, I would really say what was on my mind followed by the foot in mouth disease! Some days, that really takes a lot of disclipine but in the end, it is worth for me not to alienate people who could possibly be very good friends.

subbisherri -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 5:07:55 PM)
Someone told me once: we're allowed to forgive, we're encouraged to forgive, but we should NEVER EVER forget. I think the real lesson there is that one must understand what and why forgiveness is necessary. We learn, we grow, we mature. Some of the things we learn from "bad times" don't become apparent until much later. One of my top three worst subbi experiences (probably number 1, actually) ended up being something from which I learned an awful lot. And there's an argument to be made that the dom created that bad experiece because is was what I needed to be able to learn. I thought about doing more than burning that bridge, more like what Rome did to Carthage (and I do know how to do that kind of thing, my business card says, "spill my drink and I'll flatten your home town"). But I went back and asked and bitched and demanded to know why why why that time was so unlike what I had expected... and there was a good lesson to be taken away. So, the negative feelings faded away and something positive filled in. NOT to say I would do that same thing again with that same person, but having kept the communication path open led to a bit more understanding of myself and my interactions with others. Of course, forgive, carry on, if you can be social with the person who caused hurt then wonderful! It's their karma that's been diminished, not yours. If there's nothing to be gained emotionally then gaff them off (I do have a couple of empty mason jars with names on them waiting for certain peoples testicles, I'm not quite as mature and karmic as I want to be...). But, what possible benefit is it to you to harbour a grudge, or even bad feelings? It diminishes you, not them. Past hurts only affect and diminish you, not the person(s) who caused them. Softness, I've read most if not all of your posts, be the good person you appear to be; and don't be bitter: forgive, move past, and rebuild, but DON'T let happen a second go-round. You've got too much to offer to waste your time on people like that. ss

Roselaure -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 5:32:05 PM)
I think it's sound advice to always move forward, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't move forward with someone from your past. The most important thing is to decide if those traits and behaviors on both sides that caused the problems have changed. If not, then you truly would be going down the same road again. But if you can both examine what happened, recognize your mistakes and forgive each other's shortcomings, then yes I think it's possible to move on together. It requires, I think, brutal honestly and a willingess to look at the unvarnished truth. It's hard work and probably scary, but it just might be worth it. Only you can answer that one.

FlamingRedhead -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 7:25:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: softness I wanted to ask other submissives and slaves about their experiences of forgiving past hurts, moving past mistakes that have been made, and rebuilding bridges. I also wanted to ask about any slaves who had experience begging for the return of a collar? About a month and a half ago, after ignoring an urge to do so for 6 months, I sent a message to someone to let him know that I still missed him. I didn't really expect an answer or, at least, not a friendly one. I was pleasantly surprised. The funny thing was that I couldn't even remember why I was so angry at him. It all came back to me as we continued sending emails back and forth. I realized that a lot of my unhappiness with him was of my own doing out of insecurity and fear. I admitted my wrongdoing and apologized, sincerely this time, but without any expectation that I'd be welcomed back with open arms. We have a kind of uneasy truce at the moment. I'm not really sure where this is going, but we're going to talk about it this week. I would love to beg for my collar back, but I'm not going to. I don't want to push him. That was something I'd done in the past, and I don't want to repeat it. I'm just glad that he seems genuinely happy to be seeing me again. I guess my advice is to not have any expectations and don't push! Just see where it goes....

LordofAnarchy -> RE: healing up and forgiving (11/16/2008 7:38:46 PM)
Just make sure that while your dating other Masters or Doms that you tell them that their a re-bound replacement while you decide whether to go back to your old Master or Dom.That you were only seeing him because you were lonely and need constant attention

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