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Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 3:23:54 PM   
Mikkilicious


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		I have been on this site about three times now and have struggled with my submission and the morals I was brought up with.  But this time I am confident in how it fits into the rest of my life.  I have seldom posted and so I ask you to bear in mind that I am a bit nervous in asking and even how to ask.  I wasn't really sure where this was going until I got through writing.

My submission was revealed to me a couple years ago.  I knew I had the tendencies, but had no term for it and thought of myself as skewed in my thinking.  Or dirty because of the origins of my thoughts.  I was physically and sexually abused growing up.  A story like so many others.  But I have always chosen to not play the part of the victim, but rather a survivor.  This past abuse let to obvious self-esteem issues that I am still working through.  Some days I feel as though I can take on the world and others I just want to hide and never come up for air. 

I long for the day that I can love and be loved in a true and open relationship.  Being chrished for who I am and what I can bring to the relationship.  My submission is the greatest gift I have to offer someone, because quite honestly I feel more secure allowing someone to take the lead yet support my day to day decisions in what I feel passionate about.

Given these factors and that I live in a very rural area is making my search to find available, competent, intelligent men in whom I can trust.  I can have vanilla sex nearly whenever I want, but mostly with married men who are simply cheating on their wives.  This leaves me even emptier than no sex at all as I know I am just a convenience for them. 

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 

< Message edited by Mikkilicious -- 11/15/2008 3:24:25 PM >
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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 3:35:29 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Wow - for a second post you sure did present a doozy!
I understand your feelings. I moved to a new country, not knowing anyone, and spent several Christmases away from friends and family. It doesn't necessarily get easier, but it does get different. If you concentrate on what you have now - your um - and build on that you can make new ways to be happy, and content.

I spent 10 years after my divorce raising my ums, and alone - not from lack of opportunity, but from fear of pain. You are at least past that stage, which makes you healthier than i was.  . Don't give up on finding someone, but build your life as if there isn't going to be anyone there. This is the life you have, so enjoy it and don't ruin it by wishing for the stars. If you are looking, then continue to look, and enjoy the journey. You will eventually find a star to enjoy and love, so don't panic. There will be someone there for you.

Try not to dwell on the pain and loneliness. Acknowledge it and go on. A good scream when you need one is a great stress reliever, and can be done when the um isn't around , so you don't scare him.

anyway, good luck on your search.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 3:46:47 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		If you are able, volunteer to help in a food kitchen or in some way give back to your local community.
Especially this year the economic conditions are touching everyone and giving back is one way of dealing
with your loneliness. Realize that although you feel alone because you don't have that one special person,
know that you are not alone in feeling that way. Give yourself permission to feel, and grieve that you don't have
a special one and embrace and love yourself. Even those who are in relationships may feel lonely due to loss
of health, friends, family. I have spent many years alone or with family and I know that holidays are very difficult for me due to some family issues and how that causes the family to celebrate holidays together and as the primary care taker of the aging parents it puts me in the middle when I would rather not be. It is important to me,
to do things I like, take time out for me..whether that is getting some alone down time to go to the movies, read a book or visit with friends.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 4:00:08 PM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline 		   Why make yourself miserable dwelling on what you do not have?   Are you truly alone with um's asleep dreaming of sugar plums?   Embrace what you have only you can make the holiday's special.   

 

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 4:16:15 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		The holidays do get lonely but I try to remember that I'm not really alone. I have my child and I spend times with my friends and just try not to dwell on it.

Maybe try spending time with family, friends and hobbies. It won't help completely but it will make it bearable.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 4:30:31 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		This year will be my third year back on the 'front line', at a special Christmas shelter for the street homeless in Central London. Some of these people haven't had a decent conversation or even been listened to all year and together with others we do what we can to make about a week or 10 days as special for them before many of them have to go back out on the streets for another year of loneliness and destitution.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 6:32:50 PM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious

I have been on this site about three times now and have struggled with my submission and the morals I was brought up with.  But this time I am confident in how it fits into the rest of my life.  I have seldom posted and so I ask you to bear in mind that I am a bit nervous in asking and even how to ask.  I wasn't really sure where this was going until I got through writing.

My submission was revealed to me a couple years ago.  I knew I had the tendencies, but had no term for it and thought of myself as skewed in my thinking.  Or dirty because of the origins of my thoughts.  I was physically and sexually abused growing up.  A story like so many others.  But I have always chosen to not play the part of the victim, but rather a survivor.  This past abuse let to obvious self-esteem issues that I am still working through.  Some days I feel as though I can take on the world and others I just want to hide and never come up for air. 

I long for the day that I can love and be loved in a true and open relationship.  Being chrished for who I am and what I can bring to the relationship.  My submission is the greatest gift I have to offer someone, because quite honestly I feel more secure allowing someone to take the lead yet support my day to day decisions in what I feel passionate about.

Given these factors and that I live in a very rural area is making my search to find available, competent, intelligent men in whom I can trust.  I can have vanilla sex nearly whenever I want, but mostly with married men who are simply cheating on their wives.  This leaves me even emptier than no sex at all as I know I am just a convenience for them. 

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 


Hi and

Last year I felt exactly like you. It was the second Christmas I spent alone without my family and unfortunately I became very ill with a throat infection. This year, I'll probably be in the city with friends sippin some mamosa's but I don't care either way. I'd be content to be home alone as well. Wait a minute ... correction ... I don't care at all. What a difference a year makes?

What seemed nearly unbearable before, I'm actually looking forward to. Last year the best thing that could've happened to me, was that I became ill and couldn't talk for nearly three weeks. It forced me to distract myself and instead of desperately calling friends on the phone, looking for comfort, I instead had to find another way to occupy my mind.

I discovered a whole new creative outlet for myself and learned a lot of new things. My spirit grew and when things continued to hit the fan later, I didn't feel so lost and unable to cope. For the first time in a while, no matter what was thrown at me this year, I tried to find a way through it and looked forward to potentially happier times.

This Xmas, try turning the loneliness into an opportunity to learn something new, discover a new creative outlet  or set a goal for something you want to accomplish and get on it.

It will probably change your outlook on the Holiday's and life in general.

Now here's me being scrooge:

My um's spend Xmas with their dad so ...

Now, I only wish the holidays would come and go sooner, all the buying frenzy and chaos is a headache. I can't stand that Holiday's like Xmas even exist, it's all commercialized and I see no purpose to them now except to give the um's something to get excited over.




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It is left up to the reader to decipher & determine this post's validity.


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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 7:05:45 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		if you are alone then seek out others. there are many ways to help and offer hope to others. keep faith on finding the one for you to serve, you will find the one you may even find them while volenteering. dont be afraid to travel several hours to meet someone. you might find your one and be near them already.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 8:12:59 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I remember a Christmas very much like this in my past.  It was less than a year after my husband's passing.  There was a lot to that I won't get into here, but it was not a peaceful or timely thing.  My child was not quite two yet, so even talking to him was pretty limited, not that I would burden him.  I just wanted someone to tell me all about what was going on with them and to let me make over them a bit.  I had gotten back on my feet and moved back out of my parent's house a few months before, not realizing how long and lonely those nights were going to be.  Family had grown somewhat distant because they really didn't know how to deal with me and what I was going through.  In a four month period I would go through Thanksgiving, our former anniversary, Christmas, New Year's (and the turn of the new millenium), Valentines Day, and the first anniversary of his death.  It was an ugly and black time.

I was very active with my church and community and stayed as close to family and friends as I could.  In the end, it was what I did when I was alone that made all the difference.  I kept two journals.  One was for the pain.  One was for listing blessings every single day.  I only wrote in the one when I felt so overwhelmed I couldn't even breathe without my heart breaking.  The other one I wrote in throughout each and every day.  Despite the shorter entries, my blessings book grew and grew.  My book of sorrow slowly began to fall behind.  I could read both and see how far I'd come both in processing my pain and in honoring life and all the beauty of it.

I learned something in that solitude and apparent darkness.  I learned to be grateful.  I learned what mattered.  I learned about myself and who my confidants really were.  I learned endurance and patience.  I learned how to serve others and honor their needs and suffering.  I learned how to let others take care of me when I needed it.  I learned to own and feel all of my emotions, not just the convenient or pleasant ones.  I learned to be flexible and flow with my life instead of fighting it.  I learned that life, light, and love are always right around a corner where I least expected it.

I can't say that anything we say here will be the cure for the lonely heart that ails you, but this is the time when growth and change come.  You are in pain and I know how much you must hate it and want it to just go away.  I also know what comes after pain.  Healing.  I know the dark is always the darkest before the dawn and each new day is to be cherished.  The dawn of your life is on your way.  Prepare yourself for it and maybe this trial will become your most treasured gift of all this year.

Hugs,
lovingpet 

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 8:28:24 PM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		I've spent more than one holiday abroad in miserable circumstances, and more than one right here as a single person away even from family holidays that drive me more crazy than otherwise....

When I was abroad, in a place that didn't celebrate Xmas, I went out of my way to stock up on "comfort stuff"---  food, amusement, whatever-- to be deployed throughout the day.  It worked out that there was an utterly random Sex and the City marathon (good, early seasons, which i'd never seen) on English tv over xmas...   and between that and then/there rare but here/now ridiculously commonplace foodstuffs, and books, and walks and such...   I came out reasonably sane.  I also made a little xmas tree with black ornaments just to be morbidly self-dramatizing, and then laughed whenever I looked at it, but that part is optional.

Splurge on some indulgence that makes you happy...  and be grateful for your ums...  and yes, go volunteer.  I don't think volunteering necessarily negates that craving to be loved and held-- there's no real substitute-- but it certainly gives you other significant things to think about.

I doubt this helps, but I throw it out just in case.








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Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/15/2008 8:56:13 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		You know, sometimes being home for the holidays means just that.  Curled up in your home with your loved ones, making and enjoying your own all new traditions and customs sounds not so terribly bad.  In fact, it sounds downright wonderful! 

lovingpet

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 12:23:36 AM   
Mikkilicious


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for all of your advice.  It helps hearing options that I hadn't necessarily thought of.  Just hearing from you makes me feel not so alone.  I shall be around more on the boards, both listening and responding.  May the following year bring about a more positive outlook for myself and how I choose to live my life and also allow me to become a more positive parent.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 4:34:02 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I know that the simple fact that I'm not the only person in a tricky place, has been enough to help me find something pleasurable about my own 'tricky place'.

Holidays are promoted so heavily as 'times for loving couples and families' that it's easy, when a bit low, to imagine that you're the only person in the world that doesn't have that. The reality is that holiday-times are no different to any other times that you're alone and plenty of people surrounded by others, still feel alone.

As a lighthearted aside...I know SO many people that have get-togethers for the holidays out of duty and/or tradition and spend it with gritted teeth, tension headaches, having to be nice to people they'd rather give the middle finger to and the wistful notion of spending it alone.

agirl






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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 5:17:57 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Well, since I have a huge extended family I have to fess up and say I cannot imagine the holidays alone. Although there have been more than a few I daydreamed about it.

Several years ago I pushed for a change. It was met with resistance at first but after the first scaled down, less big family gatherings, much less gift buying, more intimate and close family type gatherings, holiday season.......my ideas became a hit. It was so much more enjoyable, so much less stressful.

I think that my first thoughts to your post was, "Oh wow, how fortunate she is in that she can make it what she wants. No multiple family members to try and appease. No financial drain of large quantities of stupid presents people don't really want anyway. No driving all over the godforsakenplace, trying to make it to everyone's dinner. No stuffing yourself with overly rich foods that you will regret later. Just a beautifully peaceful time with the munchkin."

Think of how you and the littleone would enjoy it best. Do something really special and wonderful just for the two of you. Decorate the house together. Cook something together. Watch favourite movies together. Create your own special holiday traditions. In the years to come, those moments will be cherished. You cannot imagine what an impact those types of things can have. My adult children, now bring up things that I never really thought that important but they were terribly important to them. Even now, if they get a Xmas stocking without a book of Lifesavers in it, they feel cheated. Freakin Lifesavers!!! Who knew!

Create your own special holiday with your own special traditions. Someday, someone special will come along with their own family stuff and together you will decide how to meld yours and theirs. But until then, focus on the moment and make it special and memorable. You won't regret it.

Oh, and don't forget to do something special for yourself.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/16/2008 5:20:23 AM >

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 5:40:48 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		OP...I don't know how old your um's are, but perhaps you can take this negative situation and turn it into a positive?

Right now i find myself battling to make sure my little one knows the true meaning of Christmas. I am fighting a few family members who, if i let them, will give him the impression that Christmas is nothing more than the pile of gifts under the tree.
You have the chance to plan a holiday as you want it to be for the little ones, rather than celebrating the commercialism Christmas tends to be. Ask yourself what Christmas really means to you. Is it a Religious holiday? Then take them to a church service and afterwards go home for a good meal and view a rented movie such as "The Greatest Story Ever Told",. Do you think Christmas is about giving/doing for others? Find a soup kitchen/city mission/homeless shelter in your area and call them to find out how you and the children can help give Christmas to those less fortunate. I promise you will not be lonely and your efforts will mean a great deal to many.

Make the holiday a learning/growing experience for the little ones and i really think it will be one of the best holidays you have ever had.


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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 5:48:29 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		kiwi....
you beat me to it...and i was going to say exactly exactly the same thing...except i was only alone on purpose for 5 yrs....3 hitachis...but 5 long years. But yes, eventually i decided that it was time to move forward....and i only look back now to measure how far i have come.

peace and joy

perse

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You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 5:50:41 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious

Thank you everyone for all of your advice.  It helps hearing options that I hadn't necessarily thought of.  Just hearing from you makes me feel not so alone.  I shall be around more on the boards, both listening and responding.  May the following year bring about a more positive outlook for myself and how I choose to live my life and also allow me to become a more positive parent.


Welcome to the boards again...and the positive has already begun...can ya feel it?

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 6:36:20 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
My adult children, now bring up things that I never really thought that important but they were terribly important to them. Even now, if they get a Xmas stocking without a book of Lifesavers in it, they feel cheated. Freakin Lifesavers!!! Who knew!

Create your own special holiday with your own special traditions. Someday, someone special will come along with their own family stuff and together you will decide how to meld yours and theirs. But until then, focus on the moment and make it special and memorable. You won't regret it.

Oh, and don't forget to do something special for yourself.


I can't help but smile with this part of your post.  With mine it's Pez.  If they don't get a Pez dispenser and extra candies they feel cheated.        We talk now about the traditions we kept that have been around for generations and then we talk of the ones that we've made that they will carry on with their families. 

I agree .. do something for yourself.  Think of something that will make you incredibly relaxed, happy, and take care of you.  

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 7:46:54 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		it's affirmed everyday by the people i work for, people i surround myself with, and more than anything, by my son, the light of my life.  if none of those things are good enough for me, then i have more problems than what being in the same bed with another are going to fix.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 8:22:32 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I've been in your shoes and walked that mile for a number of years.  The best advise I can offer is to enjoy the time with your UM(s)! 
It could be one of those Holidays that they go elsewhere leaving you to fend for yourself that you end up burning a burger and watching what's on the television as you pine for company.  Over time the realization that your a convenience phuck will become almost enough that you'll learn to avoid that for the most part too.  Rural living does have some drawbacks, only you can choose what it's worth to you.  But!  start looking ahead too.  Know, and I mean really know that someday the UM(s) will be gone and it's going to just be you.  Special days tend to loose their flavor when contact is only through a phone line if your family is far away.  Do something that speaks to you.  Vacation, take on a needy family, adopt a lonely grandparent. 
All the while working on making you the best you can be.  I think having a submissive mind set sometimes can make being assertive difficult when it's really a necessary thing to do.  Push yourself!  Eventually the right guy will come along and allow you to be what you are and appreciate the strength you've grown through the years. 

My best to you............. 



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