RE: Deal breakers

RE: Deal breakers (Full Version)

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DavanKael -> RE: Deal breakers (11/17/2008 9:11:44 PM)
Hi, Cali---- I am not the thought-police, nor was I spanking anyone (In a fun way or otherwise), just offering my own commentary and perspective on some perceived bashing. Please feel free to bash my anti-bashing, if you wish. And, Aynne88, I loved your comment: "...careful when you try to kill all my demons, my angels might go with them too." I'm a big fan of turning demons into pets rather than banishing them. :> Davan

MzMia -> RE: Deal breakers (11/17/2008 9:18:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself As someone who's been around the block once or twice (or more!), I find that my criteria for choosing a partner get more stringent as time goes on. This is not because I'm judgemental - it's because I learn from my mistakes, and try not to repeat them. I will not spend time with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem. I will not consider someone who has a history of lying or of sponging of someone financially. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have an aim or focus in life - aimless drifters frustrate the hell out of me. I need to be with someone intelligent - that doesn't mean they have to have a degree, just that they are interested in the world around them and can hold a decent conversation. Apart from that....lol I will go with this answer. I am very, very, very particular about the person that I select as a partner/mate. There is no fool, like an old fool, and I don't want to end up being one. The older I get I have found that water does tend to rise to it's own level. You really never know someone, until you see their mate and choice of partners. My list of what I DON'T WANT, is much longer than the list of what I DO WANT. [:D]

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Deal breakers (11/17/2008 9:21:33 PM)
I think I just found a deal breaker for me today. [:(] Aww well, back to the drawing board. NEXT?

reddivinity -> RE: Deal breakers (11/17/2008 9:25:04 PM)
People do learn, evolve and change...especially from their history and circumstance. It brings them to the NOW. However, There are dealbreakers in my World...Folks that are not good with animals, old people and kids Can NOT Get into the club. Lazy and perpetually unemployed. LIARS! People that are rude to Service Staff or Military, the non empathetic... Smokers and drug using is an absolute curb ticket. As important as is to know what I want, so is knowing what I don't want. HARD LIMITS Here.

Aynne88 -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 5:18:43 AM)
Thanks DavanKael. I have my share of demons, and I think it is futile to try and exorcise all of them. Yes, I have vices as well, and as a former self avowed "party girl/wild child" that part of me makes me .... me? I can't be that girl anymore, at least not as often, but that part of me, even the darker side of it, is inextricably entwined in me. I am not suffering from any addictions and god knows I think I only escaped that because of genetics. Ward and June Cleaver are my parents, at least in that sense, and being like a moth to a flame to the more unseemly side of life when I was young, I guess that is a good thing. I do however have friends in recovery and thriving, failing recovery, or not even accepting they need recovery, and the comments here seem, to me, somewhat harsh, I do see what you were referring to DavanKael. I get why someone would not want to date an active user or whatever, but I did not read this thread yesterday and get a whole lot of empathy for those that are suffering from some of the comments. I didn't even get that feeling for those being in recovery successfully. Again, just my opinion. quote: ORIGINAL: DavanKael Hi, Cali---- I am not the thought-police, nor was I spanking anyone (In a fun way or otherwise), just offering my own commentary and perspective on some perceived bashing. Please feel free to bash my anti-bashing, if you wish. And, Aynne88, I loved your comment: "...careful when you try to kill all my demons, my angels might go with them too." I'm a big fan of turning demons into pets rather than banishing them. :> Davan

Nefric -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 7:22:02 AM)
I find that my deal breakers are dependent on the kind of relationship I have with that person. For a LT partner things like honesty, and living clean and sober are musts. If I am just friends with someone then I can put up with a lot more garbage since they are not coming home with me every night. But as some others have mentioned if they have an issue like an addiction and time and time again refuse to help themselves then I have to take care of myself and pull back to a safe distance.

ODadEO -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 7:45:35 AM)
I also found a deal breaker just a few days ago -- with someone I've been talking with for quite some time. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out who's sincere and who is playing a game, eh.

Phanes -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:35:25 AM)
I get the reasons for taking stock and asking tough questions... and you're right to think that sometimes past behavior can be used to predict future outcomes but is it really justifiable in every instance, to extrapolate past events to future ones? Can we really say that just because something has happened in the same way, every day, at exactly the same time, for -say even the last 50 years...That it will for certainty, happen tomorrow? It's a tough call but ya know? I for one happen to believe in people, and heh.. I'm 46, I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly that life throws at us.. I also think there isn't a one of us here who hasn't had someone give us the benefit of the doubt now and again and throw us a bone!!! My 2 cents? People can change...they don't always do but they can...so take your time and weigh your decisions before prejudicing your decision purely because of past events...

NuevaVida -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 9:14:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss What if they're nice to the cat but it's not nice to them. quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Be self sufficient Be intelligent Be nice to my cat [;)] Viktor is nice to everyone [:)] On the subject of addicts, color me naive but I'm surprised at some of the commentary I'm seeing. Let's see, I have an uncle who is 40 years sober and who has done quite well for himself. He not only attends weekly AA meetings but has served as a sponsor to dozens. He owns an apartment complex in Silicon Valley, which is on the same street as a school, and he can often be found reading to the little ones or talking to them as they walk home from school. My Dad was sober 32 years when he died, was retired from a prestigious position in which he often went to DC to consult with top government officials, and never attended recovery meetings. My sister has been sober for....hmm...10 years or so, I think. Attends meetings regularly, is a loving step mother to 5 children and has a teaching position at a local high school. My brother has been sober 20 years, attends meetings, has been a sponsor to many, owns a 2300 square foot home and is a fantastic father to two beautiful daughters. The man I'm currently seeing has been sober for 20 years, owns a home in Hawaii, holds a Masters degree in psychotherapy and is currently a recovery therapist. One of my closest friends has been sober for 8 years, goes to several meetings a week but more for the point of helping others. She holds a valuable position in her organization and single-handedly raised two munchkins who are doing quite well for themselves as adults. One of my closest friends is a certified christian counselor who focuses on recovery. She is a senior analyst at her company and is one of the most loving people I know. None of the above have slipped since becoming sober. All of the above were extremely dedicated to creating a life for themselves that they could be proud of. All of the above are doing quite well for themselves. And this is just a few people in my inner circle. Maybe people only hear about the ones who go back to using, because the ones who succeed get on with their lives. To those who have recovered and took the added step to deal with the psychological issues that many users have, I applaud you. I have no issue giving my heart to such people, as they probably have more strength and will power than I do. Definitely not a deal breaker for me. Oh and antipode, my cat has never licked my face. [8D]

NuevaVida -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 9:19:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick I must have missed all the bashing; I thought we were all discussing personal deal-breakers. Cali You didn't bash. You stated your own experiences with addicts and did not generalize about all addicts. While I find myself more and more in agreement with Des lately, this time around I feel she missed the mark. Perhaps that was taken as bashing, although I didn't see it as such. I actually saw her post as a possible reflection of her personal experiences, although she didn't say that, so I could be wrong.

CalifChick -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 9:41:21 PM)
NuevaVida: I have found that often when someone introduces the word "bashing", it ramps up the responses, and personally, I find it unnecessary. I truly didn't see bashing; I saw two of us saying what we have experienced in real life. What boggles my mind is that anybody is offended by that. Are recovering addicts that aren't doing so hot giving other addicts a bad name or something?? Aynne: If anyone is "suffering" from our comments and perceived lack of empathy, then that is their own projections or perhaps your interpretation. If it truly bothers you, why don't you start a support thread? Cali

Icarys -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 9:55:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss What if they're nice to the cat but it's not nice to them. quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida Be self sufficient Be intelligent Be nice to my cat [;)] Viktor is nice to everyone [:)] On the subject of addicts, color me naive but I'm surprised at some of the commentary I'm seeing. Let's see, I have an uncle who is 40 years sober and who has done quite well for himself. He not only attends weekly AA meetings but has served as a sponsor to dozens. He owns an apartment complex in Silicon Valley, which is on the same street as a school, and he can often be found reading to the little ones or talking to them as they walk home from school. My Dad was sober 32 years when he died, was retired from a prestigious position in which he often went to DC to consult with top government officials, and never attended recovery meetings. My sister has been sober for....hmm...10 years or so, I think. Attends meetings regularly, is a loving step mother to 5 children and has a teaching position at a local high school. My brother has been sober 20 years, attends meetings, has been a sponsor to many, owns a 2300 square foot home and is a fantastic father to two beautiful daughters. The man I'm currently seeing has been sober for 20 years, owns a home in Hawaii, holds a Masters degree in psychotherapy and is currently a recovery therapist. One of my closest friends has been sober for 8 years, goes to several meetings a week but more for the point of helping others. She holds a valuable position in her organization and single-handedly raised two munchkins who are doing quite well for themselves as adults. One of my closest friends is a certified christian counselor who focuses on recovery. She is a senior analyst at her company and is one of the most loving people I know. None of the above have slipped since becoming sober. All of the above were extremely dedicated to creating a life for themselves that they could be proud of. All of the above are doing quite well for themselves. And this is just a few people in my inner circle. Maybe people only hear about the ones who go back to using, because the ones who succeed get on with their lives. To those who have recovered and took the added step to deal with the psychological issues that many users have, I applaud you. I have no issue giving my heart to such people, as they probably have more strength and will power than I do. Definitely not a deal breaker for me. Oh and antipode, my cat has never licked my face. [8D] Often times I think people are afraid of having to deal with the possible raw imperfections we all have. It might take a little more compassion ore than they are willing to muster. They may be afraid of putting themselves in a vulnerable situation like that. Then again it may be that they use that as a way to feel better about themselves. I think we are all guilty of such things at one time or another. I know I'm no saint. Maybe it's a deal breaker because they just don't know how to deal.

KnightofMists -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:04:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Horne It makes me wonder what others see as deal breakers and where you look at someone and mentally say i think i will pass on this one. This is for Doms and subs, male or female. Does legal history matter to you, or sexual history, or history on personal things like habits, telling the truth, etc? I am not seeing it as a judgmental question as much as how much work you are willing to put into something before you even know that much about them. I think everyone is going to have there own deal breakers or line in the sand. Sometimes this line is exactly where it needs to be sometimes not so much. For me... I have learned that what really matters to me is the Character Strengths and Morality of the person. I have to see the person has having strong character like... Integrity, Open-mindedness, Wisdom, Kindness... just to name a few. I don't expect a person to have strong character in every trait imagiable... but over all... I see them as a person to be admired. As far as morality.... we need to be compatiable... share some of the same values and beliefs. Maybe there is a few differences but they are minor in the bigger picture. We are fundamentally on the same page.

NuevaVida -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:06:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys Maybe it's a deal breaker because they just don't know how to deal. Or maybe it's a deal breaker because they don't want to deal with this particular situation. Either is understandable. My confusion was in the idea that recovering addicts have ongoing problems throughout their lives (beyond the "norm"), and don't lead productive and fulfilling lives.

Icarys -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:13:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys Maybe it's a deal breaker because they just don't know how to deal. Or maybe it's a deal breaker because they don't want to deal with this particular situation. Either is understandable. My confusion was in the idea that recovering addicts have ongoing problems throughout their lives (beyond the "norm"), and don't lead productive and fulfilling lives. In some cases I would agree but to me some just seem short sided and or petty. If someone shows me in their actions that they either have changed or want to and have what it takes to change, I'll give it a shot. One of the things I use to say was "I don't care what you've done in your past..I care only what you intend to do with your future"

NuevaVida -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:34:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Are recovering addicts that aren't doing so hot giving other addicts a bad name or something?? Hi Cali, I missed this when responding to Icarys. To answer your question above I'd say probably. You made it clear you were speaking from personal experience and not about the masses. My disagreement with Des' post was in her assumption that Mira was going to have the same problems, no question. And I'm not a fan of the word "bashing" either, unless it applies to someone who is really aggressively criticizing another. I didn't see that here.

NuevaVida -> RE: Deal breakers (11/18/2008 10:44:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys In some cases I would agree but to me some just seem short sided and or petty. If someone shows me in their actions that they either have changed or want to and have what it takes to change, I'll give it a shot. One of the things I use to say was "I don't care what you've done in your past..I care only what you intend to do with your future" I suppose one person's pettiness is another person's values, and I don't expect everyone to be in sync with both. Your past/future quote has credence but there are times, of course, when a person repeats the past, regardless of intentions. That's why I see an issue like addiction as subjective. It depends on the person, circumstances, etc. In my personal circle, when it comes to addiction, those who strived to not give it power over themselves have succeeded. In some of those cases, it is a daily inward battle, yet they still overcome. As to the comments made about going to recovery meetings and putting meetings above partners and families, I see that differently as well. The person is putting him/herself first, as it should be. I would hope that any loving partner of mine would be supportive if I needed therapy, or a doctor's visit, or to throw clay or meditate or bike ride - whatever is therapeutic for me and helps me thrive as a person. I suppose one of my lines in the sand would be someone who didn't want to allow me to be who I am, or to pursue what I need to, to thrive. In the cases of recovering addicts attending meetings, they are behaving with their families as a priority, in doing what they must to remain healthy for all.

Icarys -> RE: Deal breakers (11/19/2008 2:43:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys In some cases I would agree but to me some just seem short sided and or petty. If someone shows me in their actions that they either have changed or want to and have what it takes to change, I'll give it a shot. One of the things I use to say was "I don't care what you've done in your past..I care only what you intend to do with your future" I suppose one person's pettiness is another person's values, and I don't expect everyone to be in sync with both. Your past/future quote has credence but there are times, of course, when a person repeats the past, regardless of intentions. That's why I see an issue like addiction as subjective. It depends on the person, circumstances, etc. In my personal circle, when it comes to addiction, those who strived to not give it power over themselves have succeeded. In some of those cases, it is a daily inward battle, yet they still overcome. As to the comments made about going to recovery meetings and putting meetings above partners and families, I see that differently as well. The person is putting him/herself first, as it should be. I would hope that any loving partner of mine would be supportive if I needed therapy, or a doctor's visit, or to throw clay or meditate or bike ride - whatever is therapeutic for me and helps me thrive as a person. I suppose one of my lines in the sand would be someone who didn't want to allow me to be who I am, or to pursue what I need to, to thrive. In the cases of recovering addicts attending meetings, they are behaving with their families as a priority, in doing what they must to remain healthy for all. I don't think everyone is the same when it comes to addiction. i used a multitude of drugs in my younger years. It wasn't easy to lay them down in the moment but I made my mind up to stop and I did. Cold. I came to the realization that I wasn't facing any of my issues.That I was wasting my hard earned money and life. At over 10 years, I've never went back and don't think about it. I know it's not like that for everyone but I also know that it's not a struggle for everyone either. I feel for those who suffer and have that battle inside so maybe when it comes to things like drugs or any of the other dirty little things we humans do to ourselves or others, I still will consider a person no matter what their background was. As long, as I stated before, they are willing to change with their actions..not words.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Deal breakers (11/19/2008 4:13:32 PM)
I just wanted to sneak back in and point out something here. If you are too focused in trying to connect, when it is evident that the connection isn't there, you may miss out on recognizing the absolutely fabulous opportunity that was just around the corner. Dealbreakers are like signs signalling a change in seasons. You can keep trying to sow your seeds, despite all evidence of it being a bad idea, but why would you want to?

ResidentSadist -> RE: Deal breakers (11/19/2008 5:02:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance I just wanted to sneak back in and point out something here. If you are too focused in trying to connect, when it is evident that the connection isn't there, you may miss out on recognizing the absolutely fabulous opportunity that was just around the corner. Dealbreakers are like signs signalling a change in seasons. You can keep trying to sow your seeds, despite all evidence of it being a bad idea, but why would you want to? My grandma used to say that was like trying to make a silk purse from a sow’s ear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deal Breakers: When who they were, who they are and who they want to be don’t line up, it’s a deal breaker. If someone’s history doesn’t support their current behavior or their future desires, they are lying about something or so confused about life, they don’t know who they are yet.

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