A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (Full Version)

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mysecret40 -> A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 6:33:29 AM)


Recently I started talking again with a Dom I had a brief relationship with...I ended it due to his lack of communication style. See, if I do something wrong or something is expected of me...I need to know or how will I learn? This Dom states specifically in his profile he is not into games and has no time for them. Yet as soon I we started talking again.....if I saw him online and IMEd, he wouldn't respond.....if I write him emails....he doesn't respond....If he says he will call......ah...no....chances are I won't get the call. Ok..here is the confusing part.....he says he never stopped loving me. Now how am I supposed to know this or understand this? He says I should have known all along? Huh? I feel he demonstrates passive aggressive behavior. He was requesting big things from me in the past......but never followed up on anything he said he was going to do. I.E. wanted me to move to his state. Here is a partial explanation of P/A~~~~
Passive aggressive behavior is often the result of an inability or unwillingness to openly communicate and can indicate someone is holding things inside that they are either not in touch with themselves or are aware of but afraid to express. Either way it is essential to get to the bottom of stuff like this if the relationship is to be healthy because just as you mention below, it will keep coming up over time and likely get worse if not dealt with.
To me in a D/S relationship it is so important to communicate since this is such an intimate relationship.
Any idea's or insight a Dom/Master could give me would be greatly appreciated.
secret



JohnWarren -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 6:38:06 AM)

Sadly, the statement "I'm not into games" translates as "I'm not into your games but I'm free to play my own with you."

I really wouldn't take profile statements too seriously.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 6:54:11 AM)

In fact I avoid profiles that have cliches like that in them. Things like "respects limits" and "always uses safeword" "wants someone I can do vanilla and scene things with" and of course "not into playing games"

Because to me that says they are working hard to portray a typical cliched image of themselves...not the reality. It says they don't know enough to move beyond the cliches yet.

Means not for me.

Oh and yes, many dominants are passive aggressive.



MissHarlet -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 7:38:49 AM)

Seems to me you are twice burned .... why stay around for the third one?



OscarHargraves -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 7:49:23 AM)

Don't waste your time with this guy. He's not worth it.

A real man, (Dom or not) will not do these things. He works hard to keep his word and do the things he promises to do. It has nothing to do with his being a Dom. It has to do with his being forthright and truthful.



OscarHargraves -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 7:53:58 AM)

Hi LuckyA,
I'm sorry but I take exception to your comments.
quote:

In fact I avoid profiles that have cliches like that in them. Things like "respects limits" and "always uses safeword" "wants someone I can do vanilla and scene things with" and of course "not into playing games"


I can't speak for others but I have used some of these 'cliches' in my profile and I meant every one of them. I DO respect a lady's hard limits and I DO use safewords. These things are important to me and I put them in my profile because I thought they were important to others too.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 8:07:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OscarHargraves
I can't speak for others but I have used some of these 'cliches' in my profile and I meant every one of them. I DO respect a lady's hard limits and I DO use safewords. These things are important to me and I put them in my profile because I thought they were important to others too.

That's nice. I still skipped over your profile because of them.

My choice. I could have skipped over it because you used the color of font I don't like. Such is life.

To me it's not that those things aren't important, it's that they are standard. It would be like putting on a vanilla profile "I like being honest"

Who's going to put "I'm never honest" in a profile? The fact that someone felt the need to put it in there shows there's a skewed focus on that person's mind. And I don't want someone who's focus is skewed in that way.

If someone feels a need to put cliches like that in their profile, then they aren't focusing on the things I'm interested in as a partner.

You could have skipped over my profile because you don't want to be with someone who's out in the community. Darn the luck.



KatyLied -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 11:20:55 AM)

Also...beware of those who say things like "I'm not into drama, I don't do drama." Because, you've guessed it, they live for that stuff. When I see those sort of disclaimers I shake my head.



Focus50 -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 1:22:07 PM)

You've done an excellent job of answering your own post - NO relationship succeeds without communication.

I can't give you any Dom perspective on what he's playing at with you (mostly because I think he has issues beyond D/s) but one of life's truths is that actions generally speak louder than words. He says this but he does that - so you choose which is the truth.... Then decide if it's what you need in your life.

I think you already know what you should do....

Focus.



mysecret40 -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 1:25:43 PM)

quote:

Sadly, the statement "I'm not into games" translates as "I'm not into your games but I'm free to play my own with you."

I really wouldn't take profile statements too seriously.

_____________________________
Thank you John,...I've always enjoyed reading your forum replies~!

LuckyAlbatross

In fact I avoid profiles that have cliches like that in them. Things like "respects limits" and "always uses safeword" "wants someone I can do vanilla and scene things with" and of course "not into playing games"

Because to me that says they are working hard to portray a typical cliched image of themselves...not the reality. It says they don't know enough to move beyond the cliches yet.

Means not for me.

Oh and yes, many dominants are passive aggressive.

Good point...but you know Lucky.....it is so repedative in all the profiles, no creativity.
MissHarlet

Seems to me you are twice burned .... why stay around for the third one?


Well MissHarlet,......I am very aware mentally that I am probably screwing myself at this point to expect anything different. Of course the heart sings a different tune all together. The two just seem to be at odds with each other......I hate it...
OscarHargraves

Don't waste your time with this guy. He's not worth it.

A real man, (Dom or not) will not do these things. He works hard to keep his word and do the things he promises to do. It has nothing to do with his being a Dom. It has to do with his being forthright and truthful

OscarHargraves,.....thanx for your input....I know even good nilla guys should behave the way you state....but sometimes I have heard Doms give many excuses for why they act out or not act...ususally some childhood trauma or something.
quote]ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Also...beware of those who say things like "I'm not into drama, I don't do drama." Because, you've guessed it, they live for that stuff. When I see those sort of disclaimers I shake my head.
Kate girl........I am keeping a mental note on that one~!!! :)



Sensualips -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 5:59:19 PM)

quote:

I could have skipped over it because you used the color of font I don't like.


If I can't read the profile because of some weird color combination I decide it is WAY to much work and move on. My laziness may have cost me the perfect partner. I am willing to live with that regret.



kyraofMists -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 6:15:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

In fact I avoid profiles that have cliches like that in them. Things like "respects limits" and "always uses safeword" "wants someone I can do vanilla and scene things with" and of course "not into playing games"

Because to me that says they are working hard to portray a typical cliched image of themselves...not the reality. It says they don't know enough to move beyond the cliches yet.

Means not for me.

Oh and yes, many dominants are passive aggressive.



Another statement that makes me cringe is the phrase, "looking for a real/true dominant/submissive" or "I am a real dominant/sub"

I read that and the first thing that goes through my mind is who are you trying to convince and can you define what "real" is? To me it is just a veiled way of saying my way is the one true way.

I know that not all mean to give that impression. It is just a perception I have from hearing and seeing the phrase used one too many times and then watching subsquent behaviors.


Knight's kyra



sweetpettjenny -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/21/2005 6:56:29 PM)

he isn't worth your time.



mysecret40 -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 5:58:23 AM)


Thank you Sweet Jenny~! By the way.....congrats to you and your very special Master/Dom,....I wish you two happiness~!!
Secret :)



fastlane -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 6:43:06 AM)

Secret
Remember that song by America "A horse with no name?"


Well, sometimes the horse turns out to be an Ass!

I think you are better off!

Peace, Kevin



wolffeathers -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 6:46:26 AM)

I don't know about P/A, but I know that he lies. And, that, right there, should be a red flag.

If he can't keep a simple thing like calling someone, how can you trust him to stay within your hard limits?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 6:57:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wolffeathers
If he can't keep a simple thing like calling someone, how can you trust him to stay within your hard limits?

Well the two are hardly related.

I can't trust my partner to remember to keep his cell phone on and near him even with death threats.

But I can trust him to put me in inverted suspension and have a great time.

However, the lying and such are character flaws which should not go unnoticed.



B1gbear -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 7:21:59 AM)

Actions, not words. If a Dom can't lead by example, then he's not worth following. This is a classic live and learn situation,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

If you confronted him on this and the behavior continued, move on. He's full of words, not action. You'd be a lot happier with a Dom who follows up his words with action.



camigirl -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 10:01:48 AM)

IMO passive/agressive behaviors often leave the recipent feeling emtionally abused. I would never define someone as Dominant that inflicted this type of behavior on someone else.

camigirl



mysecret40 -> RE: A Passive/Aggressive Dom>? (12/22/2005 1:01:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: B1gbear

Actions, not words. If a Dom can't lead by example, then he's not worth following. This is a classic live and learn situation,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

If you confronted him on this and the behavior continued, move on. He's full of words, not action. You'd be a lot happier with a Dom who follows up his words with action.


Thanks B1gbear.
I always thought giving someone another chance was the thing to do. I know in my life time I have done some major screw ups myself. But, feeling like I have had the rug pulled out from under my feet once more is no fun,....and to boot holiday time at that....I believe in what you said....the action....it's so much more powerful.
I am starting to believe in what my grandmother told me as a teenager.....petite wise hungarain women....looked right at me and said......."sweetie, your picker's broken~!" Yup....in her opinion all the guys I picked were defective.
Secret



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