AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I could be off the mark here. While I understand that you are looking for different reactions, thoughts, and feelings about kissing in and of itself, I'm also seeing why the question is being prompted. I think it has more to do with what intimacy levels are being negotiated for you and your primary when it comes to playing with others and whether kissing should be on the playing field or not. That's the part I really want to address.
When My husband and I entered these types of negotiations as we transitioned to poly, there were a lot of things to talk about. Let Me say to any reader out there who has never considered an open or a poly relationship, there are a lot of things to discuss that you may have never thought about. Anything and everything from emotional involvement, what acts are sanctioned, what position a third person will have in the context of a relationship, what is everyone's comfort level, and other topics too numerous to list. For a lot of folks, the topic of kissing will hit the list. It is precisely the intimacy level of the kind of kissing being described on this thread that makes it so.
Kissing was something of a gray area when we started out. Quite frankly, My husband wasn't all that sure of what his reaction was going to be when we got to the implementation phase, rather than just discussion. From what I recall, there were actually two things that he thought he would have more trouble with than the sexual. One was kissing. The other was having the subs say "I love you." Thankfully, as he watched My dynamics build, he understood why both of them had a place within.
So, My real advice to you, AAkasha, is to go ahead and pull the intimate kissing off of the table, at least at first. I understand that your primary is a sub to you, where Mine is more of an equal, but there are still going to be a lot of things that he's going to have to learn to accept. Test the waters a bit first and see how things go. If I'm reading you properly, you're not even sure yet if you want that kind of intimacy to exist with said new person. Let that part develop naturally, instead of basing your agreements for the newly open relationship on a bunch of "what ifs." Sure, it means that the topic will probably have to be revisited at a later date. No big deal there. The key to doing this is to keep that primary relationship healthy and in tact while playing with others.
LadyPact, you are right on the money. That is exactly what I am discussing. Moving from total monogamy (in the flesh) to an open relationship is a long process and people would probably be baffled at the level of detail we go into when discussing what is ok, vs. what is not ok. And then when something is not ok, we have to discuss why. There are some things he's perfectly fine with me doing with other men, yet I would never think to do those things. Kissing is just one of those grey areas.
I find that I don't *need* it, but many of my femdomish activities tend to be peppered with it, and it goes with my physical/sensual style, so I have to separate that. What I have found, oddly, is that I don't find myself in angst over not kissing a man I am dominating - it's not a hard thing to resist, I don't find myself just aching and then dealing with feeling unfulfilled, which was what I always worried about. I worried - what if I couldn't resist it, what if I just wanted to do it, what if I was too attracted, what if that attraction became a distraction, what if "what I cannot have" became a worse distraction? And, on the flipside, if I was not attracted enough to WANT to kiss a man, then I certainly wasn't attracted enough to want to dominate him, right?
I've dominated a couple of men in the flesh I was very attracted to. If I were single, hell yes, I'd be kissing them. Did not kissing them make me feel unfulfilled? Not at all. Was it a distraction? Other than a fleeting thought, not really - at least, not a bad distraction. If anything, it added a little bit of tension that was kind of exciting. It was not nearly the mind blowing distraction I would have imagined, when dealing so closely, physically intimately with a man, and while experiencing various levels of femdom arousal. It's as if my subconscious knew it was off the table, and that was that.
But still, it's something worth exploring, and my husband and I continue to talk about it. Because we both know that I see kissing in two very distinct ways. One is a an act of intimacy, love, affection and lust. The other is an act of dominance, control, power. One is a shared kiss, the other is a taken kiss. One has emotion behind it, the other has power behind it. The slippery slope is that mid-kiss, who is to say one cannot morph into another? And, how can I know for sure, deep down, the submissive understands the differences, despite how much I explain to him?
Since it's not something driving me with angst, for now, we just leave it off the table. Still, I want to explore every angle of it. And, I find it fascinating, anyway, how something as simple as a kiss can carry so much meaning, power, messaging.
Don't even get me started about hair pulling... :)
Akasha
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RE: Kissing. Who initiates? How intimate is it? Do you ... - 
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