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new some help - 11/17/2008 8:13:46 PM

lynn1947

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/17/2008
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i am very new at this . i am a submissive and i am collared. but now my Master wants use to live in the D/s live and the vanilla lifestyle.how do you do that. He says it is to hard on Him in a 24/7 lifestyle. anyone out there living like this and how is it done. i hope i am asking this in the right thread. i am just at my wits in.

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RE: new some help - 11/17/2008 8:16:48 PM

mc1234

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Well, lots of people aren't 24/7. Do you live with your Master? How does he envision this - D/s in the bedroom only? What exactly is your issue with it - some people have trouble turning their submissiveness 'on' and 'off' and it takes time to get the dynamic to where you're both comfortable. I think more info is needed for you to get any kind of solid advice that may help.

(in reply to lynn1947)

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RE: new some help - 11/17/2008 8:24:09 PM

stella41b

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Come again?

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RE: new some help - 11/17/2008 8:35:49 PM

SOsMINE

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I'm in agreement of we need more info to try and help you. Please tell us a little bit more in detail here.

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Post #: 4

RE: new some help - 11/17/2008 8:52:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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It would help if you didn't assign actions/feelings to "being dominant" Dominance exists while sitting on the couch relaxing just as much as it does standing over you with a whip. If you both stopped compartmentalizing things, it might help to be relaxed and flow with who you are, rather than forcing every moment to be defined as X or Y.

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Post #: 5

RE: new some help - 11/17/2008 9:10:46 PM

greeneyedreamer

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Ask him what he wants and when... then follow through no reminders, I bet that would help him out a lot... lol

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Post #: 6

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 4:31:31 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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He's got a point. It's inappropriate to go through the grocery store on your hands and knees going "yes Master" when he asks if you need butter. It's also inappropriate to go to Thanksgiving at his, or your, mother's wearing fetish clothes and referring to yourself as it or this slave.

If he decides that you should sit next to him on the couch so he can have an arm around you, then sitting on the couch instead of the floor is the submissive thing to do, simply because your dominant decided it.

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Post #: 7

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 4:36:47 AM

RCdc

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Don't tell me this was actually supposed to be a serious response?

the.dark.

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Post #: 8

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 4:44:03 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn1947

i am very new at this . i am a submissive and i am collared. but now my Master wants use to live in the D/s live and the vanilla lifestyle.how do you do that. He says it is to hard on Him in a 24/7 lifestyle. anyone out there living like this and how is it done. i hope i am asking this in the right thread. i am just at my wits in.

i have no clue what the op is asking.

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Post #: 9

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 5:43:59 AM

lynn1947

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/17/2008
Status: offline

W/we do not live together yet. and i am still trying to understand all of this. but i see what some of you are saying. what it comes down to is since i am collared i am His submissive all the time. but only need to submite when He needs me too. He will sit the rules and i just need to follow the rules that are set. please forgive if i am not stating this right . i have only be at this 9 weeks. mybe i am just a slow learner.
lynn

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 10

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 5:52:44 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
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I am not sure I understand the question but I think you are trying to figure out how do you
incorporate D/s into a full time relationship. I think that is a question all people who are new
try and figure out. You do it just like you would a regular relationship. Just because you
submit to him doesn't mean you are now on your knees 24/7. There are several sucessful
couples who do posts on the boards. Most folks have jobs, families, um's to take care of.
You have to figure out what works for the two of you. Communication is the key.
For many 24/7 is a mindset as much as anything.

(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 11

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 7:01:16 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn1947
W/we do not live together yet. and i am still trying to understand all of this. but i see what some of you are saying. what it comes down to is since i am collared i am His submissive all the time. but only need to submite when He needs me too. He will sit the rules and i just need to follow the rules that are set. please forgive if i am not stating this right . i have only be at this 9 weeks. mybe i am just a slow learner.
lynn

The only one who has the answer is your Master,
if He wants you to submit, then ask Him how He wants it done, We can all guess here but you're going to be with Him.

He is the one who should learn you how to be, and not be,
so don't ask people if they can mind read Him!
Simply because We cant !

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

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(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 12

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 7:01:59 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...but now my Master wants use to live in the D/s live and the vanilla lifestyle.how do you do that. He says it is to hard on Him in a 24/7 lifestyle...

lynn1947,

this slave would suggest that you ask him, specifically, how and when he expects the two different roles to swap/blend. for instance, perhaps he wants D/s on the weekends and then vanilla during the week, or D/s in the bedroom and vanilla elsewhere. just guessing, here, but that's the sort of thing this slave has in mind. you could then get into the specifics of each of those roles, once you know when and where the swap takes place.

this slave has ansolutely no experience in blending a vanilla relationship with a D/s one, but perhaps if you got some more information from him about his expectations and his desires, that might clear things up a bit.

quote:

...He's got a point. It's inappropriate to go through the grocery store on your hands and knees going "yes Master" when he asks if you need butter. It's also inappropriate to go to Thanksgiving at his, or your, mother's wearing fetish clothes and referring to yourself as it or this slave...orig: DesFIP

actually, he doesn't have a point, if he agrees with DesFIP. none of the things she mentioned above have anything to do with a difference between a relationship that is a blend of D/s and vanilla vs. 24/7 D/s.
the scenarios outlined above have to do with a dominant's lack of respect for social more's/lack of respect for his mother...unless she is into fetish wear and has a slave of her own.

(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 13

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 7:29:13 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'm not an expert on relationships by any means, but I know that they have a better chance of success if you communicate with the person you're in the relationship with, rather than all and sundry outside the relationship.

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(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 14

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 8:25:57 AM

LovingNcruelMs

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

hi lynn:

I am both a therapist and a Lifestyle Domme with a 24/7 slave. what your Master is saying is that he needs a balanced relationship with you. he wants u to be both his g/f and his slave. to the outside world u and he will appear as a loving happy vanilla couple, while behind closed doors you will be his kinky obedient slave.

as was pointed out above in most relationships, be they vanilla or D/s people must still live in the regular world, jobs, family, friends and other intersts do not disappear instead they are part of it all. he is also saying I need more than just to give u orders. as a Domme one of the things I most appreciate about o/Our connection is that sometimes we are just 2 people in love. he is free to treat Me lovingly and even at times tease Me. sometimes when I'm not looking he gooses Me and twirls Me, even when he knows I will most likely slap him when he puts Me down and pay him back with some light CBT. he is a wonderful, intelligent, capable Alpha male who loves football , hockey and the history channel. but, he is ALSO a dedicated, obedient, extremely slavish pain puppy, who gives Me everything I ask of him including. I am a warm, caring, nurturing, religious, activist. but I am also a harsh sensual sadists who loves training and punishing slaves.

the great thing about BDSM is that there is no "set way" to live the lifestyle it is completely up to the TWO of you to decide how it will work for you. he may be saying I want D/s only in the bedroom, or only on the weekends or, only on tuesdays whent he moon is out, and you may need it everyday but not on saturdays.... just sit wth your Master and ask him what he needs and then tell him what you need. then test it out. as with any other relationship it will need "adjustments" but as long as you talk to one another and are honest about what does and what doesn't work for should work. good luck and if you'd like more counseling I do BDSM counseling online or by phone. My email address is Mistress_Angeoline at Yahoo.

I spoke to My slave about your message and he penned the following to you:
when starting out move slowly into the life. not only for yourself, but for your owner. Eating or watching television can be good nilla times, or simply ask when and where he wants to be a regular guy. don't move too fast, you want your love/connection to last. you cannot enjoy something if you are doing it all the time, absence makes the heart grow fonder. your ability to be a sub will increase when you are in nilla mode, in that you can look at your own behavior and improve upon it when u go back to sub mode.

I hope this helped

(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 15

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 9:18:29 AM

lynn1947

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/17/2008
Status: offline

thank you so much lovingNcruelMs. that make so much since to me.

(in reply to LovingNcruelMs)

Post #: 16

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 11:58:40 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
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LovingNcruelMs Ma'am your post was awesome. While the OP might have been poorly written,others have asked this same question. While communication is important and neededsometimes it takes a well thought out explanation like the one you have given to really helpa frustrated and confused spirit.

(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 17

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 1:16:38 PM

LovingNcruelMs

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

My pleasure lynn and realsub. A lifestyle relationship is hard, but when done right extremely rewarding.

~Mistress Angeoline~

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 18

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 1:44:21 PM

LovingNcruelMs

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

I did have one last piece of advise for you lynn. even when u are submitting you are still a human being. do not give up your "reg life" or lose your "voice" to submission. being collared after less than a couple of months, tells me you both dived right into this relationship. it can definately work, but keep in mind that u are new to BDSM and therefore inexperienced.

your Master is not a mind reader, if you have a safe word use it when u need to. if you do not have one, ask for one and use it when u need to. and if sometime down the line it is no longer working for you, it is OK to say so and end it.

I say this b/c too often newbies confuse submission with being a doormat, or putting up with abusive behavior, while assuming their Dominant is a "God" who knows it all. lastly I find sharing concerns or fantasies via e-mail works really well when u need to discuss something difficult, plus it lets u reflect upon it before needing to reply.

good luck.

(in reply to LovingNcruelMs)

Post #: 19

RE: new some help - 11/18/2008 3:44:31 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

He says it is to hard on Him in a 24/7 lifestyle.

My instinctive reaction to your post, and I know this isn't helpful, is that if he doesn't know, don't bother. It is a master's task to know these things, and to instruct you. If he can't, he is no master. If he won't, he is an a**

(in reply to lynn1947)

Post #: 20

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