A mere minion with questions....

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Phanes -> A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 1:23:23 PM)
What am I missing here? I have recently begun a relationship with a woman who recognizes qualities in me that somehow have elicited the most power response in a woman I have every known. And I see qualities in her that are nurturing, kind, affectionate and above all wholly devotional. She has years of experience within the BDSM lifestyle, whereas I am a complete newbie. Now, so far as saying I am a seasoned Dom or Master goes... I am about as new to the idea of this -say someone living in Az hearing that such as thing as snow fleas, in fact, exist. I live in Canada....so trust me, they do! Point being.. I'm completely ignorant to so many of the ideas found within BDSM. However, what I am not at all unfamiliar with, are ideas of great love..between a man and a woman...That I have a great need to hold a woman's imaginary , capture her gaze, and know that she is completely, wholly, totally and utterly devoted to me, and only me is something I've known for a long time. For the sake of brevity...let me pointed make some statements regarding my philosophy of relationships and love.... I have always held to ideas of a woman's surrender in a relationship. Not to my ego but rather to my own devotedness to her protection and care and our mutual benefit. The way that I relate it to her...is... I'll do it for you, if you'll do it for me.. I have always felt as though a woman with whom I was in a relationship with, should trust my judgment with regard to matters of decision making, however; I'm not so foolish to know, especially with my current partner, that her ability with logic is equal to my own and therefore I feel compelled to respect her sharing in these matters.. Though she seemingly always defers and permits me carte blanche to do what I feel best. On a darker note, I have always loathed moments in former vanilla relationships, where a woman begins to manipulate me. I can smell it a mile away and in every case, it has always for some reason foreshadowed a fated end to the relationship. Moreover, I am now completely intolerant of any display of bad manners in a relationship. Social contract seems simple enough for me to discern that if it is common behavior for someone to treat others poorly, over time, it's likely that this behavior will corrupt a relationship too.. I have only been in one relationship like this, and I permitted far more than I ever should have or will again. If someone ever tells me to fuck off... I will! It seems so simple really... Why go there? I believe in holding my partner high! Opening doors for her when in public places, showing her affection, leaving her with reasons to smile throughout her day, that's been. Assuring her of my commitment to her in our relationship. And I love crawling up in between her legs, just as much as I enjoy exacting pleasure from her.. And thus far, this relationship..leaves me no reason to even have to wonder where being a Master comes into it, let alone correction or punishment? And this in particular is one of the issues perhaps someone who reads this may offer some insight on... Now, so far as the darker side of personality goes... We've yet to explore scene's as I've heard them described here. Outside of the intensity of connectedness I've experienced with her from the freedom I feel, to do with her as I please when I am with her.. Biting her, hard, is about the only play I've engaged in with her.. Though I would be remiss to say I am not completely aroused by the exchange and communication we have had over what she takes pleasure in, and the secret worlds my own mind will conceive for her. Though it is nearly unfathomable for me to believe, she wants to do it for ME. And somehow this mindset frees me...to be the man that I am, and it frees her to be the woman she is.... I write this now, as a man who has never so much as even tied and bound a woman yet... but I wanna! I'm completely ignorant of the devices and methodology of BDSM, it seems a near contradiction to the idea of love, yet somehow, there is something in me that intuits the natural intinct and propensity of my nature to wanna oblige and make her the subject of my will. It's in me to take the gift she offers up freely to me, of her flesh, and though I am bound to her in a deep abiding love, I want to make her a slave to my own deparvity. Without prejudice, I want her body, subject to MY desire which yes, is governed by reason; and yet I would want to lead her (safely) beyond...and allow the mobility of mind I possess to stretch her own mind and leave her suspended, far above everything she thought she knew and thought she could rely upon by her sense knowledge alone. Does anybody -get what I'm saying? The cunundrum for me in this.... is I would want to explore so much with her, but I cannot risk any aspect of her trust in me.. I love and respect her too much to do that.. And yet I feel an implicit trust from her, that she knows my heart.... Still, it leaves me wary because I, personally, take delight in the element of surprise. The reason I chose phanes as my pseudonym on this site, speaks of my propensity for deriving pleasure from panic... The god Pan, was said to have harmed no one, yet his was a mastery over being able to elicit PANic and PANdimonium in the hearts of men.. sigh.. This is my one simple pleasure in life.. Anyhow.. for those of you who may have read this testement of mine, and are still with me.... The questions I would ask of you are not prescribed or canned but rather, open... And what I'm hoping for, is some commentary, randomly, about anything you've read here that might trouble you, excite you, cause you to respond in some way, wish me luck or offer whatever insight you can.. To a man who is in love with a beautiful soul that he cherishes and essentially wants to share it all with.

RCdc -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 1:38:44 PM)
I think I know what you are saying, but it is going to be guess work. Are you saying that, you are in a authority exchange relationship, with no BDSM elements present, but you want there to be, but you are having difficulty seeing how someone who loves, can inflict any BDSM interests? That it conflicts? But you want it - yet you are torn because you feel it might break her trust? the.dark.

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 1:53:32 PM)
Essentially, yes, you're right in this one aspect of things...and please comment on what it is you've seen! I am the one without experience here... in our exchange, she has conferred a great deal of trust...she has implicitly opened herself up to me, yet she's smart enough to know what is harmful to her and seems wise enough not to be undermine my lead in the discovery we're making of things.... I really don't know wtf I'm doing, outside of knowing that she has a craving for something that I really wanna give to her.... and I really don't even have knowledge sufficient to ask specific questions but honestly hoped rather, that someone might pick up on something I've said...and just offer some tid bit of insight..

Lockit -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:02:34 PM)
God I hate my morning brain... because it is harder to see clearly and understand, but I think you have some really interesting things to say and I would like to understand them and respond. This could be some real meat I would like to chew on! lol One thing is very clear and that is your love and devotion that you share in this relationship. That had to come about somehow and I would think that you do communicate well, somehow. I would encourage you to continue to talk about it all, your desires, your fears and all of it. You can discuss it without losing that element of surprise or as you put it, pandimonium. lol I know that for me, I had a lot to read and digest as a lot of this was so against what I believed my whole life. Just the word dominance sent me into female blithering or spasms of foam at the mouth because I viewed dominance more in the lines of bad dominance and the taking of what someone did not wish to give. I had to learn the difference. I too was drawn strangely to what turned me off in a sense. It wasn't a personal conflict for me, but one of not understanding how dominance or submission could be good things. When I started seeing the beauty there, I had to look at what made the difference and go from there. From there I found more beauty even in those things that concerned me, like causing someone pain. Take spanking for instance. I saw that as a parental or punishment thing and yet, when I actually took the steps to spank someone... whoa... omg... the party was on! lol The bond we shared flowed into what we did. The look in his eyes when I surprised him or it was more painful... just endeared him to me even further. It excited me too. Watching his responses was a major high and spured me onward and into more. All I can say if I am getting anywhere close to what you are trying to impart is that you should communicate and then safely find ways to explore. I doubt you will be sorry and since it is an adventure for two, I doubt with your sincerity and focus that you will do anything that would break her trust or love as long as you both have communicated with one another and know where you each stand. Good luck to you and have fun! It is an amazing walk!

mc1234 -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:05:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phanes For the sake of brevity...let me pointed make some statements regarding my philosophy of relationships and love.... OK, too late for the brevity part. [;)] From what I can understand, you have a great relationship with a woman who trusts in you. Do you both define it as a D/s relationship? Or are you thinking it is one without having discussed it yet? I'm a little confused ... I think you're asking how to begin a power/authority transfer. I think you need to have long conversations about both what physical acts you are both interested in (you can google 'bdsm checklist' for an aid). You need to know within yourself how you wish to exert your authority over her and she needs to understand that fully and agree to it. As far as how to actually go about doing the physical .. one step at a time I think is a good way to go about it. You seem confused by the fact that the physical manifestations of a D/s relationship can actually magnify the trust and love between the couple - it may seem contradictory, but within the right relationship, it's not at all. Sorry if I didn't follow you ... but maybe this helps a bit. (still trying to figure out the snow fleas reference ... lol)

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:16:05 PM)
Thank you...-really! You were right to intuit that our communication and exchange is excellent...we've traversed so much ground...it's nearly staggering to think. And I'm sure this is the key, in part to everything that lays before us.. The comments made of your own personal discovery, have honestly excited me...again, -really! Thanks for your input.

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:21:24 PM)
MC1234 Yes.. we both are in agreement that our relationship lays within the bounds of a BDSM experience... She, having years of experience with the element of physicality and moi, with only the heart and desire for it.... Snow Fleas? Ever present on my mind at this time of year!! Little bastards get into everything..

SassySarijane -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:25:28 PM)
Question. Is part of your problem or uncertainty in worrying about the how to's of specific activities ie flogging or spanking and such? The mechanics so to speak of doing them or is it mostly trying to reconcile how hurting someone you love physically can actually be a good thing?

mc1234 -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:26:51 PM)
I think her having actual physical experience is a plus from your point of view ... you are perhaps unsure about risking your relationship because of your physical desires, however it sounds like she knows full well what she's 'getting into' with you.

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:29:58 PM)
SassySarijane.. what you've picked up on, I would answer as being true... I've tasted it but only in part...So yes, I'm unsure of how to reconcile it but also... I'm concerned about going to far in things I would ask or have her submit herself to....

Lockit -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:35:48 PM)
A very wise man who helped me along my path once told me that a lot of times men will fear their darkness and will hide it. They might feel it was sick or too animalistic or were afraid of it somehow. Sometimes that fear or shame will hinder you and keep you from going to those dark places. You may need to reason some of this out and since you seem to be a thinker, I think this should be rather easy for you to do. First of all, you lady is interested and has experience and I doubt she would want a harmful change in the relationship you both value! If she is or says she is ready to go deeper, you can believe her. (smile) Secondly, continue to read and talk. Once you find some peace in this and I do think you sound close... you can actually take some steps to do some things. In not doing them, we can be afriad of the unknown. In doing them, you will overcome that fear if it is there and you will grow in confidence in that your relationship is not harmed and maybe enhanced and in whatever you might question in your skills. Thirdly, there are books and local groups that hold demo's and have people who can help you educate yourself and refine skills. There are dangerous things and concerns, so just learn by research and you should be okay.

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:50:11 PM)
Ok! Straight off.. I wanna express my gratitude for having people on this site, read and take interest in my quest to wanna be all I can, for myself and the woman I love... I should have perhaps more carefully edited or prescriptively asked questions that you all would be able to answer with doubting your most valued subjective experience... and yet THAT is what I'm after.....YOUR unbridled commentary of whatever it is you per chance, see in my post. It's totally situationalistic in essence.. Say what you think and feel and I will glean from your honesty and your intuition.

SassySarijane -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 2:54:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phanes SassySarijane.. what you've picked up on, I would answer as being true... I've tasted it but only in part...So yes, I'm unsure of how to reconcile it but also... I'm concerned about going to far in things I would ask or have her submit herself to.... From what I've read, you seem to have very good communication. This doesn't have to all be done right now. Take things slowly. Add one or two things at a time, keep what works, discard what doesn't. In the physical, start slow and sensual and over time build up intensity as you find her levels and limits. Watch her, note her reactions to things both physically and dynamic wise ask for her feedback on each new thing tried or added and let it flow. Part of the fun and fulfillment is in the building of it. It can be a glorious journey. You should better understand through her reactions and her pleasure in it why hurting someone you love can be a very good thing indeed. I hope this helps you some and my best to you both. ETA: You might also check out the books at Greenery Press. There are a lot of great books that talk about everything from relationship dynamic to bondage to fisting to s/m. I have several books and have learned a lot from reading them and taking what resonates with me and discarding what doesn't. Also, read threads on the boards here that interest you. I'd say nearly any topic that you can think of bdsm wise has been talked about here and likely more than once or twice.

beargonewild -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 3:01:25 PM)
Greetings Phanes. The one thing which I am picking up on is the matter of you having very little practical experience in the BDSM aspect and she has more. What if you both sit down and discuss all the different things you both are curious to try, whether it's flogging, whips, paddles, etc. Allow her to guide you along as you use these on her, mindful that you need to listen and see how she responds. It sounds like you both have excellent communication so trust her to inform you if you aren't doing something just quite right. I see this as you learning what works and what doesn't work for her and for you. You will gradually learn what toys you enjoy using on her and she has shown you what works for her thus indirectly you derive pleasure in knowing you are the one who is bringing out that pleasure in her.

RCdc -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 3:19:25 PM)
Firstly, talk to your partner. Find out what she is interested in and then discuss what you are interested in. Try and work out what is complete no go areas and what are might do areas. Talking is a really big thing. Be absolutely candid in your discussions. If you can't do that, then that would be an issue. From what I can glisten from your posts sofar, that isn't an issue - which rocks. Secondly, I would suggest you read - much! This thread here is a great thread for picking up good books that can be bought off ebay or amazon or play. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm If you can get to demonstrations - do try. I am not saying you have to go down the whole party route, but if you can find someone who can help you with learning a skill that is a big plus. Of course trial and error is another way and how many learnt. Don't be afraid of fucking up from time to time. We are all human, it happens, just be aware of the risks. Read the forums and garner some sort of understanding about who posts and find someone you feel might be able to be of some value in the sense of asking them questions. And use the forum as a sounding board, just like you have now. the.dark.

antipode -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 3:27:36 PM)
quote: However, what I am not at all unfamiliar with, are ideas of great love..between a man and a woman... Your longish letter seems to indicate you're a vanilla person - and I wonder why you're asking this question. Tomes have been written on the subject, and you can find those if you know how to use a search engine, they're all over, and they're on Amazon, and in the library. So you either have difficulty finding information, or you're looking for specific things that aren't available on the Internet - but if you are, I am not seeing the question(s). ??

kiwisub12 -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 4:02:10 PM)
a question of trust - if your lady trusts you and you trust her, and the two of you can talk honestly, then i see no trust issue. If she wants you to get a bit more physical, then go for it. If it doesn't work out, then try something else. if you don't abuse her trust - ie., abuse her physically or mentally, then trying something that doesn't work for one or the other of you isn't going to destroy her trust in you. I think you need to have a little faith in her, her resilience physically and mentally.

DesFIP -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/18/2008 4:34:21 PM)
You gain total trust be showing good judgment every single time. You keep your word and you don't give it carelessly. Which means you don't say you'll be by at 6 to go to dinner and stay watching the game with your brother till 7. If you aren't sure you can make it, don't say it. And once you have her trust, you still need to listen to her input. How do you know what's the best thing to do in a situation if you don't know what she's worried about? The Man tends to make decisions based on financial criteria, I make mine based on the emotional cost to the people involved. For me to trust his decisions, he had to take into account the potential emotional fallout or I would have judged each of his decisions as being bad ones, and wouldn't have let him make any more for me. As far as the physical stuff goes, google BDSM checklists. Then just go by your visceral response. The stuff that makes you look up and take notice is the stuff you should learn about first. Caveat: don't start with the edgier stuff. Do start with things you really can't do much damage with. Spanking a rear end is relatively safe as long as you avoid hitting the tailbone. Breath play, choking or asphyxiation is inherently dangerous. If rope bores you, don't do it. S & M 101, Erotic Bondage, Screw the Roses Give Me the Thorns, your basic starter how to books. For ideas try The Topping Book. And relax, it's supposed to be fun. So try it and see what you do and don't like. Most of all, don't feel impelled to go faster than your natural pace. It will take about six months before you feel very comfortable taking control. That's natural as this goes against the way we were raised.

wandersalone -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/19/2008 1:12:31 AM)
Like others have said, start slowly and be guided by her reactions. Maybe you could initially incorporate some things such as ordering for her when you are out or her not sitting down until you have indicated that she may into your everyday activities. Rather than blindfolding her have her keep her eyes closed, rather than using cuffs ask her to keep her arms in a certain position. As both of you get used to these activities and build up trust and confidence add the blindfolds, restraints etc. It may also be helpful for her to read your questions and the responses on here as a way of deepening the discussions between the two of you. And finally...if she is saying she wants you to dom her, believe in her and in yourself.

Phanes -> RE: A mere minion with questions.... (11/19/2008 4:34:58 AM)
Wandersalone 1st off thanks for your post! Our daily exchanges are nothing short of being fun filled, with laughter, jokes, conversation, et all... As Antipod put it, yes vanilla! And I want to carry all of my personality and preserve the dynamic of our relationship into one of ownership, where she is most comfortable and patiently waits for me to assume my role... And it is -that transition that has left me baffled but your suggestion here is most helpful; I will do just that and begin with the small things.. She completely wants for my happiness in every way.. of this I am sure.. and this alone leaves me with a sense of license, permitting me freedom to act accordingly. Once again.. thank you all for your comments... I've been able to benefit from all of them in some way and appreciate your taking time to write them..

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