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Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 8:49:58 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
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From: Louisville, KY
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Do your semi vanilla friends ask you questions about your sex life as a way of leading into telling you about their sex life and asking for advice on how to be less 'vanilla'? Or am I the only person who seems to attract semi-vanilla people from all around?
If it really is JUST me, I think I should be getting paid for being the good little leather ambasador that I am. (not that I ever wear leather - or leave the country - or - never mind! Just pay up!)

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 9:02:36 AM

Rover

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Joined: 6/28/2004
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Interesting topic....

Most of my vanilla friends have no idea what my sex life is like, and only the vaguest idea of how my relationship dynamic works. And since I can go through life blissfully unaware of the most obvious things if they don't interest me, I can't begin to tell you what their sex lives are like or if they've hinted at mine as a means of telling me about theirs.

What I do get questions about are the relationship dynamic.... things like "how'd you do that?" when I handle a situation that most vanilla guys would be sweating bullets over, in anticipation of the "little woman's" wrath. That's what vanilla guys are really envious about... how to "get away with it" (in their mind it's getting away with something).

John

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(in reply to tsatske)

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 9:27:54 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

Do your semi vanilla friends ask you questions about your sex life as a way of leading into telling you about their sex life and asking for advice on how to be less 'vanilla'? Or am I the only person who seems to attract semi-vanilla people from all around?
If it really is JUST me, I think I should be getting paid for being the good little leather ambasador that I am. (not that I ever wear leather - or leave the country - or - never mind! Just pay up!)

Not sure if it's anything to do with being Dominant but such is my general persona that my friends and acquaintances aren't inclined to inquire about or share sexual/personal/intimate details with me. And since that's exactly how I like it, I'll assume that it is some vibe I naturally emit.

That said, I've noticed that the average fem/sub seems to become everyone else's "agony aunt" within their vanilla social circles. They have an empathy that seems to encourage others to share - often to my own bemusement, esp when my sub then becomes distracted and even troubled with other's dramas.... *groan* - and lol

Focus.

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 9:47:00 AM

FRSguy

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Joined: 9/4/2007
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Oddly enough I do get asked every now and then. More frequently then I feel comfortable with.

(in reply to Focus50)

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 9:52:38 AM

jenntheslave1988

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Joined: 11/10/2008
Status: offline

Yeah I just told someone what i am into. I dont think that i will be ready to do that anytime soon. She asked me to look it up and send to her info on the life style. Then I told her the position i am in, she freaked out. Then asked odd questions. Like so you really wear a collar, do you like being humilated, and such like that. How do you talk about this to others

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 9:56:21 AM

missturbation

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From: another planet
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All my friends be they vanilla, semi vanilla or kinky ask me questions about my lifestyle and sex life. Most people are aware of my personal life and i think they are just fascinated by it which leads to curious questioning.
I have absolutely no issue with being asked endless questions and answering them and explaining things. I just get a bit annoyed when they jump to conclusions or make no attempts to understand.

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 10:46:34 AM

GoodFeathers

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Joined: 11/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jenntheslave1988

Yeah I just told someone what i am into. I dont think that i will be ready to do that anytime soon. She asked me to look it up and send to her info on the life style. Then I told her the position i am in, she freaked out. Then asked odd questions. Like so you really wear a collar, do you like being humilated, and such like that. How do you talk about this to others

I'm still pretty new to the lifestyle, but my best friend asked me a bunch of random fire questions one night over coffee. I just looked her in the eyes and asked to take a moment to decide as to whether or not she genuinely wanted the answers. If she did, I'd spill--she's family to me. If she didn't, we move to another subject.

She asked two questions: Do you like it? Are you happy? I answered with an affirmative to both and she dropped it, explaining that I might be right about her not really wanting the details.

This might not work for everyone, perhaps I lucked out of an uncomfortable discussion. Well, on her end, anyway.

< Message edited by GoodFeathers -- 11/21/2008 10:48:16 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:01:30 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
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Yes , i have been asked , and get asked from even total strangers at times on bdsm topics .If they are respectful and really seek answers and knowledge i do not have a problem with it .Guess i feel that if your in this long enough others shall want to know and maybe join in , if you can help in some small way , be a mentor to others from your own experiences etc then its a great feeling to help .

(in reply to GoodFeathers)

Post #: 8

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:03:09 AM

UmbraDomina

Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline

a few of my nilla friends know my lifestyle choices, most do not discuss it, a couple I have had to back away from the friendship, as I got very tired of the constant cheesey jokes, and assuptions that happened, but a couple of the good ones, never raise a eyebrow or judge me, and love me for who I am, not for what I do. Although my best nilla pal did give me the raised eyebrows the other day when I asked to borrow her studfinder as mine had died...... she simply asked do I want to know? I shook my head no, that was the end of it......lol

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:10:29 AM

piratecommander

Posts: 895
Joined: 8/20/2008
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Yes , they do and no you're not

Pirate

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 10

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:30:13 AM

BeIgnited

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
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A few of my close friends know about the kinky sex aspect. A couple of them have leanings that way themselves. We'll compare experiences, ideas, equipment, whatever. I don't believe any of them know about the D/s side of things or the extent of it anyway. I have a feeling they'd be far less accepting.

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 11

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:37:09 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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I get a lot of questions. Fortunately, it's something that I welcome, in that I've spent a quarter-century as a pastoral care provider and spokesperson for 'fringe-life' individuals of many stripes -- polyfideletous, ambisexterous, heteroflexible, gay, lesbian, transgendered, multi-gendered, fringe spirituality, atheist, body-modified, authority-transferred, top, bottom, fetishist, vampiric, fringe-health...

Over the years, I've noticed that a lot more of the people who aren't part of, and don't really want to -be- part of, these communities have been asking questions about how people on the fringes live...including some pretty blunt questions about how they interact romantically, physically, and familially. I think this is a good thing. Seeing that the 'fringies' are genuine people, with jobs, families, goals, dreams, and quirks gives the opportunity for some of the folks on the fringe to be able to become part of the greater society again... and for a lot of folks right on the edge there, the idea that they way that they lived was interfering with their ability to be part of the mainstream world was a real issue, so the greater freedom and inclusivity that is available is really great for a lot of folks... and it makes my job a little easier. When people can talk amongst themselves about their quirks, it means that people who provide support in the community have a smaller pool over which our limited resources are spread.

At the same time, the increased conversation between mainstream and fringe elements is moving the mainstream further out onto the fringe. A lot more things are acceptable now than they were 25 years ago... at the same time, because the mainstream is absorbing some of the inner fringes, the demarcation between what is "embraceable" by the mainstream/inner fringe and what is 'aberrant and scary' is becoming much more distinct... shoving some of the people who really enjoy that position further out on the fringes into a no-man's-land where they can feel even more ostracized by their desires and practices.

In the end, though, everything changes. Things I could never have talked about on a forum like this a decade ago are now common conversation... and in the same way, people who would never have -asked- certain things a decade ago, because even knowing that such things existed was nearly branding oneself as a 'freak' are now subject to query and scrutiny... and the more 'accepted' certain things become, the more public exposure will increase, and for a while, conversations about WIITWD are going to be the 'darling' conversations... then, once it's been around for a while, people will start relaxing and find a new fringe group to pester with their curiosity.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/21/2008 11:38:26 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:42:59 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

Do your semi vanilla friends ask you questions about your sex life as a way of leading into telling you about their sex life and asking for advice on how to be less 'vanilla'? Or am I the only person who seems to attract semi-vanilla people from all around?
If it really is JUST me, I think I should be getting paid for being the good little leather ambasador that I am. (not that I ever wear leather - or leave the country - or - never mind! Just pay up!)

Both semi and full vanillas often ask me about my lifestyle and about BDSM (usually rope bondage) and some even ask if or how much sex is involved. No one has ever been silly enough to ask me about my sex life..

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 13

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 11:45:21 AM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline

No, they don't. My friends and I discuss our sex lives openly with each other. They'll tell me about something fun they did, or I'll tell them something fun that I did. *grins* Usually, when I get done spilling, they're either saying, "Damn! I need to try that!" or "Damn! I don't think I wanna try that." *lol* Granted, I only have a few friends. One couple is into swinging. Another couple is what I call bedroom kinksters. Another couple is into the lifestyle. I don't really have any "straight" friends.

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I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 12:29:07 PM

Flogmaster

Posts: 27
Joined: 2/9/2005
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LOL...No your not the only one...I have close friends that know about My lifestyle...do they accept it, yes, understand it NO...so I get asked all sorts of questions and sometimes I'll get an "eeeww" after telling about a "figging" session with a sub or an "oh Wow" after telling of a flogging sessions...but personally it's just fun watching there eyes light up when you tell them experiences...

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OMG!! you can do that to me!!

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 1:21:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jenntheslave1988

Yeah I just told someone what i am into. I dont think that i will be ready to do that anytime soon. She asked me to look it up and send to her info on the life style. Then I told her the position i am in, she freaked out. Then asked odd questions. Like so you really wear a collar, do you like being humilated, and such like that. How do you talk about this to others

Tell her to buy Gloria Brame's book "When Someone You Love is Kinky". She's a psychologist.

Beyond that, I don't talk about my sex life. I allow people to make their own judgments on our relationship. We get guesses that we're newlyweds or have been together 30 years. Neither is true. But they see that we don't fight in public, or ever give each other the cold shoulder. They see mutual love, caring and respect, and that's what they envy.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/21/2008 1:24:03 PM >

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 1:51:48 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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About My sex life, no, because I usually shut that down pretty quick. What they tend to be more interested in are how D/s works and the things I do during play. I have one in particular that loves photos of the bottoms I play with after I've had a good scene with them (to see the marks) and the action shots from the demos I've done. She's always interested in what I've done to them, what kinds of toys I've used on them. She's especially enjoyed some of the waxings that I've done (canvas type). She's also interested in how service works, the things clip does for Me, and so on. She'll ask Me all sorts of questions. Everything from why masochists enjoy pain to what it is that is so wonderful for each participant about a foot massage, to what it means that clip is collared to Me. However, I don't talk about the sexual, even the vanilla sex I have with My husband, if I'm not on an intimate level with someone.

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 2:08:46 PM

ShiftedJewel

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Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

Well, being poly we really don't have the opportunity to NOT be out there. But it doesn't bother us if everyone knows. So yeah, we get questions from our friends... some are sooo vanilla it isn't funny. One of the uber-nilla friends was asking questions one time and laughed then said she lives vicariously through us, that we are living the lives she wishes she had the guts to live. That was a shocker!! I'm talking about a "worthy" strict mormon lady... and any mormon knows what I mean by "worthy".

We just tell people we are corrupting this little town one person at a time.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 2:50:32 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Most I know can never tell if I am *messin* with then or if I am tellin` the truth...darn...

It makes if very....interesting watchin` em at work/etc..when I do bring a few things up at different times..

The married men? Pfffft....they ain`t gettin` much...such fools to put up with that!

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 19

RE: Do the semi-vanillas ask you questions? - 11/21/2008 2:57:29 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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Personally I find it extreamly easy for met o talk about sex and bdsm and my sexual experinces and what I like, and have no problem doing so with any one who I find I wish to discuss it with.

Course I have always been a very open book. Others are diffrent.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jenntheslave1988

. How do you talk about this to others

(in reply to jenntheslave1988)

Post #: 20

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