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What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 9:55:16 AM

Scala

Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Hello everyone,
For the last 3 years I have been in a D /S type relationship with my Mistress. We don't live together as she is married , but we see each other once a month and talk daily on the phone. When we meet and "play" everything is fine, but i find myself needing more. Recently Mistress listed all the things that i do for her, like fulfil her SM wishes , give her gifts , help her when she has a problem at home or with the family , and I ask myself , what about me ? Is it wrong of a sub / slave to expect anything in return ? Do you have a list of stuff that you would like from your Mistress / Master ?

There has been times when i have tried to discuss this with Mistress , that I too would like to "grow" as a slave ..or discuss those things that are getting me down. Mistress replies that she has enough problems with family etc.

So i guess that my main question is that if you serve your Mistress / Master as she / he wants , do you expect anything in return to balance the relationship and if so what ?

So many questions ..

Thank you for your replies

Scala

Post #: 1

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 11:23:26 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

It sounds as though you feel stiffled. A strong stable relationship allows both sides to grow, it isn't really about expectations. Maybe the relationship was cool in the beginning, but you are wanting more.

Ask yourself are you settling or are you getting out of the relationship what you deserve? If your dynamic has changed, or if you have altered and need more than your Mistress can now give you, only you can make that decision.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 2

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 11:36:12 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

i am unowned...and dont know how i would feel in that situation...but i do know that if my current partners gave me nothing in return for what i do for them i would feel empty and sad.

As it is, my partners really do more for me than i can repay in service....out of the blue fixing my computer, or doing something for my car, or offering to help me in ways that i would never ask for on my own....just things that i consider to be what good friends do for eachother....even just sending me messages throughout the day that make me smile or feel cared about....

If i were not feeling well cared for....it would make it hard for me to care for them....

If this is a pervasive feeling, which it seems to be, from your post, i hope you speak to your Mistress clearly and calmly and really lay it all out so that she can make the best decision as to what to do about how you are feeling.

Be Well
perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 3

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 11:56:58 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

So i guess that my main question is that if you serve your Mistress / Master as she / he wants , do you expect anything in return to balance the relationship and if so what ?

Myself, no, I expect nothing extra in return. You have to understand though; for me, serving as he wants is the reason that I would be in the relationship to begin with...so expecting anything else other than his happiness would be extra.

From the sounds of it though, you are needing a bit more than what the two of you originally settled on. Best advice is to sit down, let her know, talk it out and go on from there. She may not be able to give you more, in which case, you then have to decide if what you want is more important than this particualar relationship. If it is, then it's time to move on and make yourself happy.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 4

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 12:11:58 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

The only thing i expect from my Master in return for all the thing i do for him is his love. Since i have that anyway there is nothing else i need.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 5

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 12:22:36 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I can't answer for "submissive" or "dominants" since roles don't have feelings or needs. I can, however, speak to myself and my wife. For us, there are a few things which are abundantly clear...

She is 50% of our marriage. As such, her needs, wants, joys, hopes and dreams are 50% of the overall happiness in our marriage.
Even were that not true, she is the most important person in the world to me... more important than myself.

Either of those two things individually would be more than adequate for me to have a keen interests bordering on a fixation regarding what makes her happy. In fact, I'd be pretty annoyed with myself if I needed much help from her in understanding those things. I pay very very close attention to her.

All of this might well make me a "service top" and her "topping from the bottom" or god knows whatever else someone might think. We're both perfectly fine with that.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 6

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 12:25:57 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I can't answer for "submissive" or "dominants" since roles don't have feelings or needs

I would watch it...you don't want to start making generalized assumptions based on your own definitions or thoughts. There are many out there who view Dominant and submissive not as a role, but as a personality trait that they have.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 12:35:24 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I would watch it...you don't want to start making generalized assumptions based on your own definitions or thoughts. There are many out there who view Dominant and submissive not as a role, but as a personality trait that they have.

Yup, and there are also many out there who will find anything in any post to argue with. I'm not too worried about that sort of person.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 8

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 1:33:19 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I've been in a relationship where my needs weren't met, weren't considered important in any way. I don't like being used or taken for granted. There's a reason he's an ex.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 9

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 3:54:33 PM

Scala

Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for your replies ... It seems that I will have to have another chat with my Mistress.

Scala

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 4:06:58 PM

Scala

Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i am unowned...and dont know how i would feel in that situation...but i do know that if my current partners gave me nothing in return for what i do for them i would feel empty and sad.

As it is, my partners really do more for me than i can repay in service....out of the blue fixing my computer, or doing something for my car, or offering to help me in ways that i would never ask for on my own....just things that i consider to be what good friends do for eachother....even just sending me messages throughout the day that make me smile or feel cared about....

If i were not feeling well cared for....it would make it hard for me to care for them....

If this is a pervasive feeling, which it seems to be, from your post, i hope you speak to your Mistress clearly and calmly and really lay it all out so that she can make the best decision as to what to do about how you are feeling.

Be Well
perse

Hello Perse
I wouldn't say that i don't get anything. Its just not the things that are important to me . Some of it stems from the fact that we don't see each other for weeks on end , so I look to Mistress to make the absense more tolerable

Scala

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 11

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 5:58:31 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala
and I ask myself , what about me ? Is it wrong of a sub / slave to expect anything in return ?

No, it is absolutely not wrong. Anyone who tries to sell you that tired old bullshit about a "twue" sub/slave having NO needs or expectations is really clueless, IMHO. They all may want very, very different things out of a relationship and all my have very, very different expectations but the fact is we ALL have those needs and expectations. Your's are every bit as valid as anyone else's, including your mistress.

quote:

There has been times when i have tried to discuss this with Mistress , that I too would like to "grow" as a slave ..or discuss those things that are getting me down. Mistress replies that she has enough problems with family etc.

This is where I, frankly, would then tell her she could now consider herself with one less "problem." If you are simply a "problem," what the hell is the point? If she can't handle her family and you, she obviously shouldn't continue with both in her life. She perhaps needs to get a grip on what she can and cannot manage and then think about having a submissive/slave in her life but not until.

quote:

So i guess that my main question is that if you serve your Mistress / Master as she / he wants , do you expect anything in return to balance the relationship and if so what ?

I don't have a whole lot of very specific expectations from my Master/Husband. Just today on another thread I mentioned some things that I do have as absolute "must haves" and those include (1) Him working as hard as I do to finanacially contribute to our household, (2) Him having respect for the close relationship I share with my mother and siblings and (3) Him valuing and respecting me as a person and never trying to make me "less than" I was when He found me. Pretty simple, pretty straight forward and all things He totally agrees with and provides.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I also expect/need Him to hear me out on issues that are important to me. I don't expect Him to change His mind necessarily or do things "my" way at all. What I do expect and, frankly, NEED, is for Him to at least HEAR ME out and do His best to understand what I feel and why I feel that way. He is wonderful about doing this. He doesn't always understand exactly WHY some little something upsets me at work or home but He listens and He understands THAT it upsets me, even if not WHY it does

. I need that.

Bottom line is if you have a "mistress" indicating to you that hearing you out and meeting any of your expectations/needs is a "problem" she doesn't have time to deal with, you may need to take a close, hard look at just what purpose she actually serves in your life. You deserve to be happy just as much as she does. It may fulfill you to want to serve her but if your needs are nothing more than another "problem" she can't handle, it doesn't seem to be working.

Best of luck..................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 11/21/2008 6:01:04 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 12

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 6:08:34 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

So i guess that my main question is that if you serve your Mistress / Master as she / he wants , do you expect anything in return to balance the relationship and if so what ?

Yes..to be held in his ideals of slavery, and continually learn and grow from him, and for him.

Could I ever feel those things being met on a once a month basis? No.

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 13

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 6:46:22 PM

kristileigh

Posts: 1078
Joined: 3/23/2008
Status: offline

The only thing i ask in return is love and i do get the love from master Chris in return.

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 14

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 6:58:17 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline

I don't know how to answer that. I come to any relationship open and try not to have expectations. I do ask for some simple things. Caring, respect, affection, kindness and compassion, other than that I try to choose well and let the chips fall where they may. So I guess I am really saying set the bar for yourself and then enjoy the relationship. If she's not meeting Your "BAR" then I suppose it's time to move on. Rarely will anyone change...

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to kristileigh)

Post #: 15

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 7:37:15 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

It's rather difficult for me to answer this correctly, as I cannot imagine myself in the situation you describe. That having been said...

I need a master's time, attention, friendship and, hopefully, love. I realize that sounds like a lot, but if I'm honest with myself I know I need that to totally dedicate myself to serving him.

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 16

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/21/2008 9:05:19 PM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i am unowned...and dont know how i would feel in that situation...but i do know that if my current partners gave me nothing in return for what i do for them i would feel empty and sad.

As it is, my partners really do more for me than i can repay in service....out of the blue fixing my computer, or doing something for my car, or offering to help me in ways that i would never ask for on my own....just things that i consider to be what good friends do for eachother....even just sending me messages throughout the day that make me smile or feel cared about....

If i were not feeling well cared for....it would make it hard for me to care for them....

If this is a pervasive feeling, which it seems to be, from your post, i hope you speak to your Mistress clearly and calmly and really lay it all out so that she can make the best decision as to what to do about how you are feeling.

Be Well
perse

Hello Perse
I wouldn't say that i don't get anything. Its just not the things that are important to me . Some of it stems from the fact that we don't see each other for weeks on end , so I look to Mistress to make the absense more tolerable

Scala

And she has nothing to offer you as far as ideas for self soothing?

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 17

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/22/2008 1:37:42 AM

babygirlkitten

Posts: 66
Joined: 10/25/2008
From: Manhattan
Status: offline

I definitely have a list of things that I need in a person, whether or not I'm in a D/s relationship. I need to feel valued, cherished, respected, etc. I don't think these are unreasonable things in the slightest. Even those who like to be used as a toy probably like to be used as a favorite, cherished toy.

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 18

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/22/2008 8:24:37 AM

persephonee

Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

~fr~
And in my personal situations, i am not in any position to ask for any of the little things that they do for me or with me in mind, nor would i on my own, unless i simply had no other option...like an emergency. But these are playpartners and friends....in a D/s situation, i dont know how to explain what i feel without sounding like im literally trading my ass for things...or that i think my submission is a "gift"...

. im not that girl either.

But if you take all the trappings away, and just look at the interaction between two people...if i am expected to strip away all barriers to my innermost feelings and create an intimate bond with someone...they better be there to support the soft bundle of emotions that they have requested. There is a responsibility on the Dominants end to uphold. If you want me stripped bare of my protections...then you must step up and be my protection. Otherwise, i die of exposure. Unless that is negociated out and understood at the onset of the relationship, its a failing on the Dominants part.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to babygirlkitten)

Post #: 19

RE: What do you need from your Domme / Master / Mistress ? - 11/22/2008 10:03:52 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

I used to be of the mindset that serving him as he wished was return enough and I wanted for nothing more. This was well and fine, until the way he wanted me to serve him was threatening my mental health. Then, serving him alone was no longer the fulfilling experience I had previously enjoyed. Now I realize it's easy to say this as long as you're in sync with what you're dominant partner wants. When you're not, "serving him alone" can be extremely unrewarding, and it has nothing to do with one's "level of submission" or devotion.

I'm also of the mindset that issues do not miraculously resolve themselves. If you are unhappy, there are conversations to be had, and there is thinking to do, and decisions to make (in any direction).

From reading your OP, I'm understanding that your Mistress is uninterested in participating in your development as her slave. If this were OK with you, you wouldn't be posting about it here. So the questions I have for you are:

* Are you willing to continue forward and see about developing on your own?
* Are you willing to remain as is, because what you have from her now does not appear as though it will change...?
* What do YOU think the solution is?

I'll use an analogy a wise and dear friend used with me: If you have a pet and do not feed it, do you still expect your pet to thrive? No, the pet will starve. And as the pet is starving, it will no longer behave as a happy, thriving pet, because...well...it's dying.

Are you this pet? Do you want to be?

I wish you well with this - I understand the difficulty.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Scala)

Post #: 20

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