RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends.

RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (Full Version)

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persephonee -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:26:40 PM)
Psst...thats a top secret trick wimmins use...in the workplace as well as privately....who've you been talkin to????

Padriag -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:31:14 PM)
I listen a very great deal.

persephonee -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:57:17 PM)
sneaky

Padriag -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 6:58:31 PM)
Infinitely so

persephonee -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:00:04 PM)
youve got mail.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 7:28:23 PM)
here is the simple thing to the OP you where looking for answers that you already had nothing wrong in that in thinking out load people always fall short it is human nature what you have to remeber no one really controls anyone people do what ever they want no matter who what it effects what you have to find is someone who understands core values empathy civility compassion not this made up fantasy land but someone real you will know what i am talking about cause they hit you like a ton of bricks and it is when you go yeah that rocks not rocket science people just make it hard for us and each other so we have to avoid them like the irs lol

babygirlkitten -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/22/2008 8:43:11 PM)
Personally, if a new friend disrespected my partner, whether in a D/s or a vanilla relationship, I would really think twice about whether or not they were going to be a good friend to me. Obviously, if there are other red flags and it was a new, casual friendship, I would choose to cut the person loose before my partner had to give me an ultimatum.

Daes -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 3:55:01 AM)
Pffft. Being disrespectful of my Master is being disrespectful to Me, and (as stated in my profile) being my friend means respecting us Both. Neither of us would put up with that, so no matter what the means, the result would be an end to the provocation by either Him or I. Period. However, if I were the dominant in that situation I would have tried to see if my sub would save me the headaches and done it him/herself. If he/she failed to do so, then there needs to be a new understanding of respect and boundaries in the relationship.

DesFIP -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 6:44:08 AM)
Sorry I misread the post, we see the poaching situation so much it seemed as though that's what must have been happening. Beyond that, if he disliked someone and saw me talking to him at a party, he would state clearly that he disliked the dude and why, and that he didn't want me getting into long discussions with him in the future. He gathers a lot of info before he decides he doesn't like someone, but once he's made that decision he doesn't second guess himself. Beyond that though is the fact that I take people on face value as acquaintances, and that if someone was carefully manipulating the situation so as to make it seem as though he was just asking questions, then I wouldn't see through it immediately to realize he was being disrespectful of The Man. One more reason why he would have told me not to talk to him again.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 11:16:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 Dare I admit it. I have pondered the thought that he knowingly provoked me inorder to the D/s relationship to be tested. Knowing that perhaps I would bring this issue to attention and take some course of action with my girl. After all he has been very respectful towards her and made it a point to be intentionally not respectful towards me. Yup... here's food for thought. If someone wants to steal your girl, one method is to devalue you... and one way of doing that is to provoke you into overreacting and making an ass of yourself. Then he looks like the reasonable one, is very understanding and all the while being very respectful and considerate of her. Makes you look like the bad guy, him the good guy and if she falls for it, he gets the girl. If it doesn't work, he's not really lost anything... so there's no reason for him not to try. If he dislikes you enough to want to hurt you, then he's got an extra motive to give it a go. But... here's the thing. Worrying about it isn't going to do any good. You see a problem and you make a decision to correct it... do so and do it with confidence in your own judgement. Don't let your emotions rule you or get out of hand. If she can't respect that, then things are not likely to end well anyway. You may be right, he may be testing the relationship... and while that is an affront... it could also show you flaws otherwise hidden. What you do with that information is up to you and your submissive... but I would suggest some reflection on both your parts. Either you will come away from it stronger... or it may be the beginning of the end. Either way, you learn something about the relationship, and possibly yourself. A wise man know how to turn all things to his benefit. As you may be taking a break for a bit, I'll wish you the best of luck with things. Here's the ironic part, if somebody loves you and wants to be with you, any attempt at somebody trying to devalue you should fail. Even if there are problems going on. The only way somebody can devalue you is if you have given your partner reason to think less of you to begin with, or your partner actually does think that little of you. So the Devalue game only works if your girl does not think much about you to begin with. God, I feel like I have my sanity back now. In terms of somebody like me (Male Dom) if I have reason to worry about this, it's because I am insecure in knowing what she thinks about, feel about me, and wants to be with me. Insecurity! That magic word. Insecurity should not be confused with lack of trust. There are times when we are involved in relationships with somebody who we know we can not trust however we turn a blind eye on these issues for the sake of being in a relationship. Then that's warrented lack of trust. If anything you should trust that she's out shopping for another DOM or one can steal here away anyways. So count your blessings when somebody else steals your problem off your hands. LOL.. OK, now here's the kicker here personally for me. My Girl has done nothing wrong what-so-ever for me to not trust her! So then why am I being so worried? Mmmmmmmmmm... I've been tearing at this one for a little while today. I know I'm not insecure by nature. Hell, my last relationship, we'd go out to bars and clubs and she had all kinds of guys hitting on her, and in fact she was power flirting with both guys and women. I did not have an issue about it one bit, if anything some people asked me why don't I have a problem about it?? Mmmm.. Why? Because I trusted her. OK, so what was it about this relationship? What about some of my other relationship that worked where I fully trusted my partner? Now, I got to thinking about all the dating and short relationships I had that failed. Doing a little comparison here. Now, this might sound like I'm perhaps a bit needy. Perhaps this is something I myself need to work upon now some. I have an issue that has been exposed to me fully. Nice to discover something about ourselves at times. You see, I'm a bit like a plant that needs to be watered with meaningful words. Let explain, the last girl I was dating, the one that power flirted with guys and girls in the bar. She would remind me about how much I meant to her, she would express her thoughts and feelings about me, she would express about how she could not wait to kiss my kissable lips when we talked over the phone. There verbal reassurances of being wanted, loved, needed and desired meant very much to me. I find that without these things, or if there is a bit of a lack of them. Then I find myself questioning how much I do mean to somebody. I start to wonder, when is somebody better then me going to come along and sweep her off her feet. All I know, is that with vebally being reminded and it be expressed to me how much I mean or that I wanted. I could care less about anybody flirting around, talking or whatever else. I know without question that I am wanted, needed and desired. At least this is how it makes me feel. Now for the punch line. Not everybody is very verbally expressive in such matters, in fact it can be difficult for them to express. With that said, I feel that perhaps I have been a little too needy. Then again, I did express this was fairly new and developing D/s relationship. Anyhooo... it's painfully apparent that I have a few issues of my own to need to deal with. Perhaps I need to let go of being this needy a little. Might help things a lot. OK, so what? This Dude intentionally provoked me (still my opinion) what did I do? I ended up forbidding her to have anything to do with him. (If anything I feel hook line and sinker for it, why? because of my own stupid insecurity). If I have fully trusted that my Girl wanted me without question, I would have sat there and laughed my ass off at his feable attempt to provoke me. I've done so in the past over games like this. However, this is not the way I reacted nor responded. Think this says a lot about my trust if anything else. After all you can't push a button unless it's not there. My panic button was there and he pushed it. So yes, I just demonstrated my lack of trust. Mmmmmmm.. I tried to deny that it was not there. Trust me, I tried to. I was pointing my fingers at him... casting blame on him as somebody who could not be trusted. This is exactly what I was doing, and have been doing sort of in this thread. He disrepected me intentionally. OK, I should have just informed my girl about explained the nature of the offense. Left it at that. As other people have posted.. if she truely loves me she would have not put up with it. Did I let her prove herself to me? Not really I sort of yanked that out from her fingers. Basically, when I did this, I might as well said, I do not trust that you love me enough to stop talking to this guy, so I'm laying down the law now, and I'm forbidding you to talk to him anymore. Mmmmmmm.. ok, I just lost at the authority and stupid power game going on, why? Because I was letting insecurity and fear drive my thoughts. Again, I stress she's done nothing wrong to directly violate my trust. So I got to exploring this at some length. Thinking to myself What the Hell is wrong with me. Why am I acting do damn retarded? What am I missing in this big picture. How the hell can I feel so damn secure in one relationship, where I did'nt have a problem with one girl power flirting out at bars and clubs. Hell, I would come home from spending the weekend with her, and I was not worried about her talking with anybody. Hell, those thoughts did not even enter my mind at all. Anyways, the issue is more about myself. NihilusZero actually hit the nail on the head about being tested in terms of D/s lately. However I was feeling a little awkward about getting too D/s. Like I was not ready and not fully trusting of it. Basically me knowing that I am wanted, desired and needed by other person has a lot to do with it. Back to my issues in wanting to feel Loved, Wanted, Desired and needed. (that's the root of the real issue here)... Now compare that thought to this one "If somebody loves you and wants to be with you, any attempt at somebody trying to devalue you should fail." Mmmmmmmm... think there's a lot to be said for myself and my actions and where my mind has been at lately.... I yanked permission around like a loose chain, in different directions. Enough to confuse anybody, including confuse myself..

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 11:21:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daes Pffft. Being disrespectful of my Master is being disrespectful to Me, and (as stated in my profile) being my friend means respecting us Both. Neither of us would put up with that, so no matter what the means, the result would be an end to the provocation by either Him or I. Period. However, if I were the dominant in that situation I would have tried to see if my sub would save me the headaches and done it him/herself. If he/she failed to do so, then there needs to be a new understanding of respect and boundaries in the relationship. I should have done this, left it in her hands. Not yank it out like I did. Actually, it was not fair at all. I hope anybody who is following this thread. Will stop and think about things a little.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 11:24:43 AM)
Hypothetically, per your scenario, I wouldn't have to be 'ordered' not to continue corresponding with someone who was disrespectful like that. It would be a non-issue, because I'd simply find it a conflict of interests that had no real purpose. It might be harder, if it was a long-term friendship with someone I had a long history with, and the relationship with the Dominant was new. Sometimes our friends know us as well or better than we know ourselves and it is sometimes prudent to listen to them when THEY see red flags. That's a completely different scenario, from the one you described, but it seemed worth mentioning.

kiwisub12 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 11:55:42 AM)
My Sir is not unsure of my regard for him - he is very firmly in the center of my life - and given this situation, he would have reacted the way you did. Insecurity has nothing to do with the way he would react, but a very fair concern for his property and her feelings. Don't beat yourself up over your reactions - they sound perfectly normal for a dominant individual, who seeks to control most situations. In fact, i would be surprised if you acted any differently. We had a similar situation -except the disrespectful person was a sub that Sir was playing with. He could have cared less - i was incensed!!!! She since has initiated contact with my Sir - to no avail. I think my Sir is a little afraid of what i might do to her if i saw her- i had treatened to take a cane to her - and i wasn't kidding. And i agree with other posters - you disrespect my partner - you by association disrespect me. I understand your dilemma in regard to a developing relationship - it is hard to know what will upset the other when you haven't known the other for long - but, i think that any reasonable partner would take your reaction as a natural - given the situation. I also, from reading the original post, didn't get that your sub was a bad sub or making bad choices - it sounded to me that you were looking for discussion of your actions - not hers. Of course most people (myself included) take things one step further in their thinking, and react to that. While a certain amount of introspection is attractive and vital for self-knowledge, i really don't think you need to beat yourself up over this one. [:)]

NihilusZero -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 12:22:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 You're still here! Your deactivation prevented me from replying to the CM! I'll come back to this when I get back from work. It's good to see you still around. [:)]

DesFIP -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 2:30:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 I should have done this, left it in her hands. Not yank it out like I did. Actually, it was not fair at all. I hope anybody who is following this thread. Will stop and think about things a little. Actually in a situation like this, I'd prefer he took it out of my hands. Because I won't easily see someone trying to devalue him. Not because I don't value him enough, but because I'm too straight forward to see this kind of subtle game playing. If he saw it, and didn't do anything about it, like explain what was going on and then ordering me not to continue to fall for it, I'd be pissed. I want him to tell me these kinds of things, not wait around till something bad happens. Have you asked her what works best for her; leaving it in her hands or taking charge of it yourself? Because neither is wrong in and of itself, different styles work best for different people.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 2:39:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Have you asked her what works best for her; leaving it in her hands or taking charge of it yourself? Because neither is wrong in and of itself, different styles work best for different people. To be truthful with you, hell if I know exactly which works best for her. Actually, hell if I know about how many things in a D/s relationship that work best for her. I love to talk about D/s and BDSM. There are times when I want to get a good conversation going about D/s with her but it all seems to fall through the cracks. In many regards I get the feeling that she is leaving this up to me because I'm the Dom. What I say or thinks should happen goes. I don't know here. It actually makes me extremely cautious and gun shy a little about things, not having had a lot of conversation about D/s with her.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: D/s relationships and intentional disrespect of friends. (11/23/2008 4:12:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 You're still here! Your deactivation prevented me from replying to the CM! I'll come back to this when I get back from work. It's good to see you still around. [:)] My account is closed completely on the other side. greedytop has my permission to cough up my Yahoo or myspace information for you. I need to go get some sleep, or find better things to do with my mind. I've not got very much sleep for a few days now...

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