Automatic Lie Assumption (Full Version)

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HisPhedre -> Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:22:08 AM)


Okay...I have a question...   Is it right to cut off communication because of an automatic assumption of a lie?
 
Scenario:
 
I was contacted by an individual from CM and we traded a few emails in the process of trying to connect.   When we connected this am, we started with the usual chat and then I was asked if I have a webcam.   I don't. (I tried once it, did not work, so I gave up.  I'm more software savvy than hardware.  No double entendre is meant. [;)])   So I sent/shared a picture with "That's me".  The response I received was "Yeah sure."    At that point, I was offended by the automatic assumption that I was lying that I cut off communication.
 
Your thoughts?
 



celticlord2112 -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:35:51 AM)

quote:

Is it right to cut off communication because of an automatic assumption of a lie?

Absolutely.

Trust takes time to build and a second to destroy; mistrust takes a second to build and is never destroyed.





thishereboi -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:36:21 AM)

If you want to cut off communication, that's fine. There are no laws about who you have to talk to on here. Hope you have better luck next time.



DavanKael -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:38:17 AM)

Well, I've had better complimentary but quirky reactions than that but, sounds like you track to him as a hottie and he's skeptical.  If there's a geniune interest, I'd drop him a mail explaining your reaction, querying his, and see where you guys take the dialogue from there. 
Best wishes,
  Davan



agirl -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:41:32 AM)

I wouldn't be at all offended. I come across plenty of cynical people on the internet and I'm fairly cynical myself. 

Not sure where it's a *right or wrong* matter and you've already chosen your course of action, regardless.

agirl



persephonee -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:43:15 AM)

Hmm...well, lets see, it is the internet and apparently there is the capability of stealing images and using them as your own. (No sarcasm here, i literally still think there are little teeny tiny actors inside my television, so the computer escapes me entirely)...so a bit of reticence on anyone's part is prolly not unwarranted. But a rude open statement of doubt from a virtual stranger on basically your first real exchange...is a bit overboard.

When i have my doubts about someone's veracity, i keep it to myself and "bookmark" it (teehee...cant retreive those once marked, btw) and compare that to information i gather throughout our dealings...add it up, average it out and determine if there is a pattern of lies...i dont call bullshit on a borderline case until i have actual proof of said excrement....(can you tell im using all my word of the day TP today?)

He/She sounds bitter over past experiences...which doesnt strike me as particularly dominant...is his/her journal full of whining about how fake and phoney we all are?

If you are being insulted in the first 5 minutes, then it obviously isnt the best of situations.

Just my two cents
perse



OttersSwim -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:43:59 AM)

There is an understandable level of skepticism here on CM. While it is unfortunate that they reacted that way, it is easy to see how some folk can become jaded.  Up to you - evaluate your conversation up to that point and determine if it is worth another contact out to get clarification from them and maybe start conversation up again.



Padriag -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:44:25 AM)

A person has a right to end communication for any reason they wish... you're complaint is you feel it was unfair... which it was, but unfortunately that's life.

If it helps any, consider the following.
Connecting with and trusting someone you meet online is difficult, made so in part by the large number of people who lie about who they are.
In response, other people come up with a wide variety of methods to try and eliminate or cope with the lying.
One method is to require the person to get on a web cam as proof they are who they appear.
Another is not to get emotionally involved until a first meeting.
There are many other methods.
None of these methods is perfect, nor works all the time, some are not even rational.
You encountered someone who apparently has become frustrated with the online lies and has chosen web cams as a primary method of establishing trust.
Unfortunately, you don't have a web cam and their method doesn't leave room for that.
Were you in their place, you might be complaining not enough people have web cams.  Neither complaint solves the problem, which was you missed out on a friendship.

So... if you want to keep the friendship, try writing a letter that shows compassion and understanding for their perspective... and that in turn may bring them round to your perspective until you share a POV.  Then you can reconnect.

Best of luck



persephonee -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:47:01 AM)

another fast reply

When im asked to cam or phone to "prove" im who i say i am, i decline...but offer a better solution. i invite them to coffee or more recently to the dungeon...face to face is better than a phone or cam experience anyway, imho.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:50:09 AM)

To me, successful relationships, lifestyle or otherwise, require trust and commitment.  It has to run both ways or neither will gain it.  If someone cannot pay you trust at face value, then there is no future with them and anything you do is a waste of time.  Cutting them out of your life just seems a practical rationing of your time. 



NihilusZero -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:55:09 AM)

Another thought...

With any typing method of communication comes a loss of body language and facial expression. Sometimes the smallest things can make a difference in perception.

Think, for instance, if he'd responded with the exact same wording, but included an exclamation mark at the end: "Yeah sure!"

Even if only slightly, the tone suddenly seems to take on a more tongue-in-cheek, joking/incredulity mood rather than one of supposed suspicion and bitterness.

Your question is a red herring that seems to be seeking public justification for your decision. There is no "right" or "wrong"....it just is. Everything is perspective. In truth, your quick reaction based on two words he typed is no different a personal knee-jerk defensiveness than his apparent reluctance to wholly believe you were the person in the picture (assuming that is what he did).

Two defense mechanisms clashed. It happens.



oceanwynds -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 7:59:21 AM)

Actually you can do whatever you wish. Though I have never been in this situation, I have heard from others about people sending fake pictures of themselves. Perhaps this happen to him before and was just a reaction. If i was interested in a person, I would probably email them and ask what that was all about first before making a decision.

oceanwynds



Rover -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 8:00:14 AM)

Getting to know someone is an investment in time and effort.  As individuals, each of us has different qualities we look for and assess in order to decide whether to make that particular investment.  The fewer qualities demonstrated, the greater the risk of that investment.
 
It's my opinion that the individual in this example simply was not willing to accept the level of risk associated with an investment of his time and effort for someone who did not have a webcam to confirm certain basic elements (gender, age, etc).  And that's quite understandable as each of us assesses our own level of acceptable risk in any endeavor. 
 
Perhaps he could have said that a bit more diplomatically, rather than simply implying that you were lying.
 
John



Aileen1968 -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 8:00:46 AM)

I think you're giving way too much brain power to someone that you've only exchanged a few emails with and don't even know.



SL4V3M4YB3 -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 8:03:23 AM)

If he had wanted to convey "Yeah sure." as "Yeah sure." maybe he should have phrased it "Yeah sure." instead.
 
I agree with Nihilus and would add that the less you write the more open to interpretation it is.



ODadEO -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 8:06:12 AM)

Just ask him, "What did you mean by that?"

If he comes back with more of what you suspect, then you can be sure of your reaction.  If not, then you can continue on and see if it is worth it.



NuevaVida -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 9:05:24 AM)

I understood your OP to say that you chose to cut off communication because he didn't believe you. I think it's normal for someone to be skeptical about things - we've all had our aches and pains of the past, and let's face it, there are a lot of people in the world who try to pass themselves off as something they're not.

My response? I'd laugh, say "Yes, I really am that gorgeous", and then write his name on a piece of paper with the date on it, take a pic of myself holding it, and email him with, "Yeah sure!"






krikket -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 9:05:57 AM)

One of the many things i've learned in my times on line (and years of "off line" living as well) is that we have to trust our instincts.  If it feels wrong, it probably is.  If it feels too good to be true, it probably is.  i've had communication cut off by the other side because something didn't feel right to them, or i wasn't what they were looking for, and i've done the same.  For example, i was recently IMing with a guy "from NYC" that appears to share similar interests and core values.  i have to admit i was pretty excited, cuz heaven knows it happens only once in a very blue moon, but...when he told me he was currently working in Ghana, i turned down further communication.  Now, what he said could well be true, but suddenly everything he said seemed to match me a little too closely and after all the stories i've heard, i decided to follow a course of action that might have been unfair to him, but felt right to me.  It's about the only thing we can really do in a world that relies on the typed word when voice inflection and face to face reactions are missing. 

Good luck.

jimini



marie2 -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 9:27:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisPhedre


Okay...I have a question...   Is it right to cut off communication because of an automatic assumption of a lie?
 
Scenario:
 
I was contacted by an individual from CM and we traded a few emails in the process of trying to connect.   When we connected this am, we started with the usual chat and then I was asked if I have a webcam.   I don't. (I tried once it, did not work, so I gave up.  I'm more software savvy than hardware.  No double entendre is meant. [;)])   So I sent/shared a picture with "That's me".  The response I received was "Yeah sure."    At that point, I was offended by the automatic assumption that I was lying that I cut off communication.
 
Your thoughts?
 


This person may as well have said  "you're a liar". 

If he was merely skeptical because he's been burned in the past, and he shared that with you, and/or he admitted his unwillingness to put in the time or take a risk, I might consider further communication with him and a resolution to the issue.

But "yeah sure?" 

Umm.... No way.  

Don't let the door hit you in the ass,  buddy....



UncleNasty -> RE: Automatic Lie Assumption (11/22/2008 10:10:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

He/She sounds bitter over past experiences...which doesnt strike me as particularly dominant...is his/her journal full of whining about how fake and phoney we all are?



My take on your words is that Dominants don't have feelings to be hurt. If one does have hurt or bitter feelings then they simply aren't Dominant.

Uncle Nasty



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