RE: Old Dom resurfaces...

RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (Full Version)

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OsideGirl -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 7:55:55 AM)
I agree with Rover. You need to learn the word NO and also cut off contact completely. If you know that contact with him makes you unhappy, then stop the behavior!

DesFIP -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 9:15:36 AM)
Tell the new one. He needs to know that you need support in staying away from the old patterns. You need to account to him in order to stay out of contact. Win/win situation - helps you be stronger and increases the strength of the new relationship.

Viridana -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 9:26:18 AM)
Take control of the situation of your ex. If he sends you a mail, delete it unread. If he calls you, don't answer. If he texts you, delete it unread. If you have him on IM, delete him from your list. If you meet him by accident in the supermarket, nod your head as to say hi and walk away. You don't have to have any contact with anyone whom you don't want to have contact with. By reading his messages, answering his calls, chatting with him when you meet by coincidence you are allowing him to mess with your head and feelings..... and that is your fault, not his. He's not your problem anymore....... unless you allow him to be, get my point? Just go enjoy life with the new one. Don't let a guy who you already know is not working for your best benefit have such power and control over you. Good luck!

CalifChick -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 10:59:21 AM)
Not telling the new guy yet - well, I don't see that as breaking trust because you said you were still in the "getting to know you" phase. We don't know what that means to you, exactly, so I don't see that as such a big deal. It does seem prudent, though, to go to him and say, "I'm having a problem and I need help with it." Particularly since you don't seem to have the willpower to just stop on your own. Cali

natasha66 -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 3:16:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElectraGlide Tell your old Dom to hit the road. A new clean slate was started and he is not in it. It sounds like your new Dom is kind and caring, unlike the old Dom. You owe it to yourself for a more positive life. One thing to add....you owe it to yourself to be HAPPY, too. Tell the old twit to hit the road.....emotional abuse sucks....been there done that. Your situation is so similar to mine it's scary.

Lynnxz -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 3:45:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers Okay, so I've just had a little issue and I would like some advice. I've found myself a new Dom. Very new. However, I like him and I want to be a good pet to him. I want to trust him and be trusted by him. However, there are some trust issues remaining from my last relationship. My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions. I stopped loving him and stopped submitting properly. I should have left, but found myself unable to do so...as I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way. There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split. But I still wasn't strong enough to just leave. I had to be dismissed. And I was--for his ex. It gave me the closure I desperately needed. Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore. It was like a weight had been lifted off of me. There was no more cowering and apologizing for being myself, for being with my family and my friends when I wanted to be. For not being perfect in every way. I was enjoying it. Enter new Dom. I didn't think it was gonna happen. But we clicked on just about everything. He wants me to explore myself and try new things. All the things I've always been curious about, he wants me to explore and try and help me explore and try. We're still in the "getting to know you" phase, but I'm happy. Suddenly, ex Dom reenters my world. I basically tell him I'm not comfortable being in contact with him for awhile. He lays a guilt trip. I stand my ground. He lays another. I start to waver. He lays yet another on me. I fall into an old repertoire of apologizing--for being me, for needing space from him, for not wanting to be close, for not being sad, for just about everything. He keeps it up. Eventually, I realize what I'm doing and try walking away from the situation. But I still felt the need to apologize and make it better. He keeps a public, online journal...so I read it. It's like one big guilt trip aimed at me. I'm floored. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my perception of my relationship with my ex or if he's actually a bit abusive. I believe I should tell my new Dom...but I'm not sure. Would it help? Would it be beneficial? Should he even know? Uhm...help? Usually when things like that resurface, I flush again. [:D]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 4:13:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lynnxz Usually when things like that resurface, I flush again. [:D] Oh that was beautiful in a brutal TMI sort of way!

windchymes -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 4:45:59 PM)
I think it's simple. He dumped you for a new toy, who happened to be an ex. She dumped him, so now he wants you back so he has something to play with until something else comes along. Trust me, he'll be fine without you.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 5:42:44 PM)
yep - i agree - its not your job to make the ex happy. or sad. or wistful. or anything else. Its his job. You sound so co-dependent as to be paralysed!!!!!! (been there, did that, got the therapy[:D]) Make your self happy - thats your job. Do it.

GoodFeathers -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 8:22:43 PM)
Rover, my dear, I'm not simply agreeing with them. I'm agreeing that there is a valid point of view that I should explore. As it stands, due to work and family schedules, I haven't had a chance for a good sit down with my Dom to fully explain the situation. He knows something is not quite right, though and I have every intention of laying the whole of my thoughts and feelings on the table for him. I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door". He is free to contact me, if he chooses. I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it. I admit to there being blame on both sides. There's always more than one side to any story. I admit to becoming withdrawn and emotionally hiding myself--a mistake that I am resolved to never repeat. I do not wish to place more blame on my ex than what he deserves, so I will not sit here and throw around all too easy to make emotionally flared accusations. Rather, I will state the way I feel when he is around--about 1" tall and wholly incompetent. I cannot simply blame him fully for "making" me feel that way. As a human being, it is my duty to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. P.S. [>:] ...I will...

Icarys -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 8:40:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers Okay, so I've just had a little issue and I would like some advice. I've found myself a new Dom. Very new. However, I like him and I want to be a good pet to him. I want to trust him and be trusted by him. However, there are some trust issues remaining from my last relationship. My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions. I stopped loving him and stopped submitting properly. I should have left, but found myself unable to do so...as I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way. There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split. But I still wasn't strong enough to just leave. I had to be dismissed. And I was--for his ex. It gave me the closure I desperately needed. Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore. It was like a weight had been lifted off of me. There was no more cowering and apologizing for being myself, for being with my family and my friends when I wanted to be. For not being perfect in every way. I was enjoying it. Enter new Dom. I didn't think it was gonna happen. But we clicked on just about everything. He wants me to explore myself and try new things. All the things I've always been curious about, he wants me to explore and try and help me explore and try. We're still in the "getting to know you" phase, but I'm happy. Suddenly, ex Dom reenters my world. I basically tell him I'm not comfortable being in contact with him for awhile. He lays a guilt trip. I stand my ground. He lays another. I start to waver. He lays yet another on me. I fall into an old repertoire of apologizing--for being me, for needing space from him, for not wanting to be close, for not being sad, for just about everything. He keeps it up. Eventually, I realize what I'm doing and try walking away from the situation. But I still felt the need to apologize and make it better. He keeps a public, online journal...so I read it. It's like one big guilt trip aimed at me. I'm floored. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my perception of my relationship with my ex or if he's actually a bit abusive. I believe I should tell my new Dom...but I'm not sure. Would it help? Would it be beneficial? Should he even know? Uhm...help? Hard to make a statement as to if he is abusive without any input on that. Maybe you just aren't compatible in your views on what Dominance and submission are. Guilting someone isn't a mature thing to do but it's not abusive in my eyes either. Just bad behavior.

CruelDesires -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 9:25:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions. I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way. There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split. And you are even entertaining some type of relationship with this guy? Even as a casual acquaintance? Seriously? C-D

CalifChick -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 9:53:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door". He is free to contact me, if he chooses. I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it. Yeah, cuz he's been a shining example of a stand-up guy so far. [8\|] You feel one inch tall around him, yet you're leaving the door open for him to contact you. Why? Why? Why????????????? Seriously... tell your new guy as soon as possible... SOMEONE needs to take charge. Cali

myotherself -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/26/2008 10:03:47 PM)
~fr~ this is something I tell my students who are being bullied at school: Think of yourself as a mirror. The bully who tells you that you are fat/ugly/stupid/useless/whatever is not telling YOU this, they are telling THEMSELVES this. They find something about themselves that they don't like, and then find some random person who they percieve as being better than themselves, and throw all of their self-disgust and hatred at this innocent person. This dom is an insecure little boy who has not left high school emotionally. He needs help, because this is a vicious cycle of self-hatred and emotional abuse towards others that has undoubtedly been going on since childhood. Until he gets this help he is dangerous to be around. Eventually his partners will feel as bad about themselves as he does about himself. OP - walk away from him, and don't look back. You've found a dom who wants a nurturing relationship - spend your energy on him rather than waste it on someone who will only do you harm. good luck x

windchymes -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 4:53:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door". He is free to contact me, if he chooses. I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it. Horny jilted guy? Ain't gonna happen.

thishereboi -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 5:03:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers You are right, Aramis. I knew reading his journal was a mistake as soon as I opened it. I don't want to go back into anything with him. I'm sure counseling would help, but I don't want to keep feeling small and insignificant when he's around. I don't wish to have contact with him anymore...I want to move on. If you want to move on, then do it. The only power he has over you, is what you allow him to have.

KatyLied -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 5:59:34 AM)
quote: I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it. Why do you allow him to control you? Seriously, go have a life without him, you'll be much happier.

Rover -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 7:07:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers Rover, my dear, I'm not simply agreeing with them. I'm agreeing that there is a valid point of view that I should explore. Yeah, I understand that. Just like you agree that there's a valid point to your ex which is why you shouldn't close the door on him even though it mystifies all of mankind as to how/why you wouldn't do so. Sorry to be blunt, but treating you delicately won't do you any good. And you did come here soliciting advice/comment. But the truth is that you'd find a valid reason to consider just about anything. And that's why you're in the process of considering everything (even the unthinkable). John

scottishjason -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 8:41:37 PM)
This is something that you MUST tell your new dom. He should then confront your old dom and take care of the issue. When a sub makes a commitment to a dom he is also making a commitment to her. He must keep her safe, secure, and cause her no harm. It is your current doms responsibility to inform your old dom that this kind of behavior is not welcome. As for this guys online journal… come on… its some words on a website. No one really cares.

KatyLied -> RE: Old Dom resurfaces... (11/27/2008 9:11:19 PM)
quote: He should then confront your old dom and take care of the issue. Oh, the drama that would create.

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