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sirslittleredass -> a first (11/27/2008 4:34:16 PM)
hello fellow subs- first i want to beg for no flames. i feel really vulnerable right now. i am still pretty new to submission. today was th first time my Sir ever really pushed a soft boundary. i feel very confused about it. i love Him and i know He has no interest in hurting me (as in really hurting me). i know this is true and i trust him completely. even so, today was really challenging. the not-so-sub part of me is all in a tizzy. but i want to stay with the su part of me. i believe there is something beautiful of real value to gain from the practice of submission, i want to stay with this experience. i just did something i really had no interest in doing, for the sake of Him. can anyone give me some perspective? do you remember thsi moment? what was this experience like for you? thank you, sirslittleredass

silkenfire -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 4:47:24 PM)
I think the key here is soft boundary. I also see "i know He has no interest in hurting me (as in really hurting me)." as a great sign. One of the points of being in a relationship like that is the trust involved and allowing soft boundaries passed. It makes you closer, so long as they weren't hard limits, anyways. so long as you have good communication and he's aware of the difference between soft limits and hard limits, and you trust him to not truly hurt you, that is all that matters.

califsue -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 4:52:41 PM)
Hello, One of the things I find for myself is I have to process the highs and lows of the experience. Writing it down or journaling it may help you process whatever it is you did that you felt was a soft limit for you. Communicating with your Dom about the emotions you are feeling may help you through it as well.

laura2161 -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 5:21:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirslittleredass i just did something i really had no interest in doing, for the sake of Him. can anyone give me some perspective? do you remember thsi moment? what was this experience like for you? thank you, sirslittleredass Oh yea I remember many moments and things I did in my last long term relationship that I disliked/were distasteful to me/ couldnt stand doing/ was an ick factor of 10 for me etc....but they were not hard off limits. SO I did them because thats what the Man wanted me to do. I didnt bitch about it, and I also did not lie and pretend I enjoyed it. He already knew I did not enjoy it but that was not the issue. The bottom line was this: He wanted it. They were not hard limits and therefore to make him happy I did it. I was happy with myself for giving him pleasure even when it was extremely unpleasant for me. You followed through on his request, therefore you did good. Be happy with that :-) Laura

ThundersCry -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 5:45:05 PM)
I was taught to process...seeing how I lacked some areas where more communication was needed, alot of my processing was done alone... I had to look inside....deep and hard and find some of those answers...sometimes it was not easy...but it had to be...done, to grow... Dig inside...the revelation will come...

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 6:35:45 PM)
A good rule of thumb is to try things at least three times before you make a real choice about them. First time you're all in a tizzy because it's the first, you're hyper aware and reactive. Second time you get a better grasp of thigns and can change some circumstances. Third time tends to seal the deal and let you know whether it's really something you'd be open to having as a part of your life. You can always try it again later if you choose not to now. And if you decide it's not something you're interested in directly, you can see whether it will still work within your submission to do for him (that's not really a sub thing, that's just a life partner thing)

veryniel -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 8:19:26 PM)
If you truly enjoy the submission, just try to remind yourself that what you're doing is for His pleasure. Focusing only on pleasing Him may help with the discomfort. And if what you're doing is truly bothering you, talk to Him about it. My Master makes it clear that He doesn't want to truly hurt me either, and I know that if something is bothering me I can always ask Him about it. Sometimes I know I just have to grin and bear it, because even when something bothers me at first, my Master knows that it will be something I come to enjoy very much. But Master knows I also have things that I just cannot and will not do, and He respects that.

porcelain26 -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 9:06:47 PM)
Any time you have a boundry pushed, soft or not, it can leave you feeling scared, vulnerable, even angry. I think the important part of this is that you say you love and trust your owner. Focus on that. When my Owner and I first got together, I had this reaction a lot. Some of the things He did with me terrified me, made me feel cheap, used, any number of different things. But I also seriously lucked out in the fact that He wanted me to tell Him everything I was feeling. I would write Him novel's for emails describing each conflicting emotion, each fear, each humiliation, everything. It not only helped me to focus on the experience and pick it apart so I knew exactly how I felt and where those feelings came from, but it gave my Owner immense insight into me as a person and as His property. Also, He NEVER chastised me, poked fun, or made me feel bad/guilty for my reactions. He was always supportive and helped me work through my emotional response. This gave me an extreme sense of confidence in Him, as well as in our relationship, and it grew the trust of that relationship by leaps and bounds. I've said it before, and I mean it still, at this point in time, I can say very easily that I no longer have any limits with my Owner, because I trust Him completely. He will never do anything to purposely harm me, He would never put me in danger, and He wants nothing more than for me to be happy being His. It's a great place to be in. Keep yourself open and honest with your owner, and you'll hit the same place one day!

frenchbitchchris -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 9:46:04 PM)
littleredass, I remember that day, it was my first day of knowing Master. I am not gay. I am just owned by a man. My Owner forced me to suck someone's dick. Now, I am actually anti-gay. I think that gay men are just confused or have had some type of trama. Now, I can honestly say I have sucked a man's dick. It was not my Owners but it was a man's, none-the-less. I did this out of service and submission to show my Master that I am serious about servitude. He was testing me and I was testing His indurance too. Being a slave is hard. It is full of ups and downs but at the end of the day, no matter how complicating or testing the challenge is, do it. You are a slave. Prove it to your owner that you need him and appreciate him for what he does for you. After all, he is your Master. You are there to do as told no matter what. Do it or find another lifestyle. Your dedication to your Owner should be greater then your "wall". I know mine is. --french bitch--

greeneyedreamer -> RE: a first (11/27/2008 9:51:09 PM)
quote: A good rule of thumb is to try things at least three times before you make a real choice about them. Thanks LuckyAlbatross. I will remember that also. Glad to have all of your knowledge and opinions. Dreamer

chamberqueen -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 5:42:29 AM)
I have had my limits pushed many times. I find that up front there is typically fear, sometimes disgust, and some upcoming tasks have been horrifying enough to me to make me question whether I still wanted to be in the relationship. However, when it has come down to actually doing the task I have found that it has never been as bad as my initial fears about it. After I have completed it I have a feeling of true pride that I was willing to go outside my comfort zone for the pleasure of one so dear to me. The trust I feel for my Master has grown and grown as I have seen that he is always there to protect me, and I trust that he will watch after my emotions as well as he does my body. Now I find I actually look forward to tasks that will do this to me again - to give me the chance to prove my devotion in a special way. It can be pretty overwhelming the first time it happens but you might end up finding out that you crave it.

Violation -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 8:09:09 AM)
I am as my name says, a violator. Limits ARE my goal, to move, and even reshape limits into fetishes. It is not something to take lightly and without skill, both in the art and in the mechanics as it invites great unhappiness and drama. Like wit, I do not use women who are unarmed, there is no sport in it. Soft and pliable women do not arouse me, I need strength and power in them to tear down and strew about like wreckage. To violate a limit, one must know the emotional path you are going to lead someone on to get them to a place of readiness for violation and one must know how to walk them through to a safe place on the other side. Sometimes the violation may seem sudden for them but you have been slowly shaping them, eroticising elements of it to play with in their mind as an emotional bridge over the chasm. No matter how far you debase her, turn her into a piece of unworthy flesh, you must have the strength to reach down into that black hole you shoved her into and pull her back into the light. Every element in this is unique, far more so than other things and so metaphors rather than rules must be your guide. When are you ready to do this? Not when drama and hurt rule the relationship but instead when bliss and happiness envelop you. Like having a baby to "save" a relationship, play on this level will destroy an unstable one more often than not. One must learn to respect boundaries, to make a partner know at their core, that she will get through to the other side, because you have shown her through actions and deeds over and over again that she is safer with you, emotionally, physically and romantically that she is actually safe and secure in your care. This is the reward for a good relationship, not the path to creating one.

veryniel -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 9:15:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Violation One must learn to respect boundaries, to make a partner know at their core, that she will get through to the other side, because you have shown her through actions and deeds over and over again that she is safer with you, emotionally, physically and romantically that she is actually safe and secure in your care. Precisely. Sometimes Master may push my boundaries because He truly does know what I need, even if I don't. But even if what He does leaves me a spent, trembling, crying mass on the floor, I know that when He is finished, He will be there to hold and comfort me.

akisha -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 9:28:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirslittleredass hello fellow subs- first i want to beg for no flames. i feel really vulnerable right now. i am still pretty new to submission. today was th first time my Sir ever really pushed a soft boundary. i feel very confused about it. i love Him and i know He has no interest in hurting me (as in really hurting me). i know this is true and i trust him completely. even so, today was really challenging. the not-so-sub part of me is all in a tizzy. but i want to stay with the su part of me. i believe there is something beautiful of real value to gain from the practice of submission, i want to stay with this experience. i just did something i really had no interest in doing, for the sake of Him. can anyone give me some perspective? do you remember thsi moment? what was this experience like for you? thank you, sirslittleredass Ahh yes I remember well going through this. And I'm sure there will be more in my future. With my ex there were a few soft boundry pushes that made the two sides of my brain fight with each other. For me, because I'm more analytical then emotional, I would ask for time to myself to think through the experience, and try and asymilate what happened and my reaction to it and why I was reacting to it the way I was. When I had an idea how I was feeling about it my Dom and I would speak so that I could discouver why it was something so important to him and how it effected him and how he felt about it. I found in the end that by giving myself up to something he really desired that I had no interst in actually brought us closer together and bonded us more. The road is always very turmultuous but I have found in my experience that it is usually well worth the stress and ordeal of going through it. I don't have any regrets even tho going into it or just after I was very scared and confused. It always ended up being a wonderful growing experience. Even if the lesson learned was that it was something I never ever wanted to do again lol

FlamingRedhead -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 11:18:42 AM)
I've had several moments of doing things I wouldn't normally. After each of them, the reaction was always, "Wow! I can't believe I just let him <insert perverse act here>." smiles It really wasn't so bad, either.

frenchbitchchris -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 12:15:41 PM)
Wait wait... Limits are your goals? That's disgusting man. How can anyone trust you if you aim to break their trust. Sure, Owners are going to try and push their slave's limits but to go out of your way to crush those limits that they have set for themselves is not only disrespectful to one who is dedicating their life to you but completely precipitous. These are people's lives. It's not some game. You, Sir mistaken your haughty nature for being Dominant. [:@] --french bitch-- quote: ORIGINAL: Violation I am as my name says, a violator. Limits ARE my goal, to move, and even reshape limits into fetishes. It is not something to take lightly and without skill, both in the art and in the mechanics as it invites great unhappiness and drama. Like wit, I do not use women who are unarmed, there is no sport in it. Soft and pliable women do not arouse me, I need strength and power in them to tear down and strew about like wreckage. To violate a limit, one must know the emotional path you are going to lead someone on to get them to a place of readiness for violation and one must know how to walk them through to a safe place on the other side. Sometimes the violation may seem sudden for them but you have been slowly shaping them, eroticising elements of it to play with in their mind as an emotional bridge over the chasm. No matter how far you debase her, turn her into a piece of unworthy flesh, you must have the strength to reach down into that black hole you shoved her into and pull her back into the light. Every element in this is unique, far more so than other things and so metaphors rather than rules must be your guide. When are you ready to do this? Not when drama and hurt rule the relationship but instead when bliss and happiness envelop you. Like having a baby to "save" a relationship, play on this level will destroy an unstable one more often than not. One must learn to respect boundaries, to make a partner know at their core, that she will get through to the other side, because you have shown her through actions and deeds over and over again that she is safer with you, emotionally, physically and romantically that she is actually safe and secure in your care. This is the reward for a good relationship, not the path to creating one.

DesFIP -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 4:50:16 PM)
Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Think about this and reflect on it. It may be that in six months you'll want to initiate this, but there's nothing wrong in telling him you can't handle this now and you need time.

gapeach4 -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 9:47:33 PM)
smiles... glad you mentioned so many positives in the post - i.e. not really hurting, etc... sometimes, it's Their job to find those soft limits and push them a wee bit.. and... They should know when, and how far to push... now would be a good time for discussion with Him.. explain how you felt during and after... give Him insight - let Him know how you feel, what you think, the good and bad of it... it can only be to Yya'll advantage, as communication is the key... i remember once, the mention of being in a dark closet - my first thought was 'punishment' - of course i'd done nothing wrong.. it was then explained, as a 'sign' of just how far i would go to please Him, would i totally submit.. almost like a test... made me think - if i had the trust in Him to 'allow' myself to be in that position.... evidently, you trusted yours enough to go through that pushing of the soft limit.. and you came through with flying colors!!! hugs and congrats :) :) peachie

Araven -> RE: a first (11/28/2008 10:31:39 PM)
I have to agree with mostly what was said here.. a soft boundary is often meant to be pushed and tested. and to quote the person above me "sometimes, it's Their job to find those soft limits and push them a wee bit.. and... They should know when, and how far to push..." Just let your dominant know how you are feeling, what emotions were brought up, and let them know how everything went. Communication is key.

sirslittleredass -> RE: a first (11/29/2008 12:51:51 AM)
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I feel okay about it now, and of course He and i talked. Knowing that it was a powerful turn-on for Him made it worth it for me, and i think that is the biggest lesson of the experience for me.Well, maybe, lol. There is always this thought in the back of my head that if i don't want to do something sexual, and i let someone do it anyway, that it's wrong and very disrespectful to myself. I'm a very self-protective person, which maybe is why this was such a powerful experience. BDSM never fails to turn things inside-out, upside-down, and just completely interdimensionally unravel everything. I'm a total psychonaut and a deeply self-reflective person and it just blows my mind that despite all these years of self-reflection that there is this thing - BDSM - that takes me to inner places I never even conceived of. I am amazed to see how many ways trust plays into it. Not just trust for my Dom, which is the most obvious one and absolutely crucial, but also trust in myself and in my instincts and in life, There are so many ways in which this thing could be "wrong", but there is always this beckoning to continue. Some part of me says that something that affects me this intensely has so much to teach that it can't be anything other than trustworthy.

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