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Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 5:49:40 PM   
exile509


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?
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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 5:51:57 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		You need to be specific. However, if he isnt doing right by her then she should voice her feelings. If he doesn't do anything different, Its up to her to decide whether she stays or goes.

Who determines her needs? Her or him?

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/28/2008 6:05:05 PM >

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:12:19 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It would depend on whether it is on a continuing basis.  As an example, a sub needs to have attention paid to her.  She might want a phone call but he chooses email.  He is filling her need but not her want.  That is within his rights.  If this breaks her heart then she needs to let him know and then he needs to make a decision about whether to grant her wish or not.

A lot of the dynamic has to do with the Dom making the choices as to which "wants" to fulfill.  It seems most effective when her wishes are granted part of the time but not every time.


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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:17:44 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It depends on the original agreement. If there is conflict, it means that something wasn't properly understood or explained.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:23:48 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I would personally consider that neglectful. I can do with out what I want pretty much indefinitely, but do with out what a need, nope. He'd find himself sub less if he made a habit of doing that often.
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:27:49 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		People need more than just their needs to be met in order to be happy.  They should get some of what they want as well.  Anyone that doesn't consider their partners wants isn't seeing all they need either and would in my opinion be neglectful.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:52:40 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?


There is a difference between thriving and surviving. I can survive by having my needs met, but I will thrive if we go beyond that to meet particular wants. In the case of the OP, it really depends on what the wants are. I want a new Mercedes, but I'm not going to get one any time soon, and not having one isn't going to affect whether or not I thrive. Then again, I want to be cared about, and that will affect my thrivability.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 6:55:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509
If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?

Depends on what works for those involved.

In order to be in a relationship, I need certain things.  In order to be fulfilled in a relationship, I need certain things.  In order to be spoiled in a relationship, I need certain things.

I don't NEED any of it in order to physically survive.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 7:03:54 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		I wouldn't be with someone who didn't make any effort to fulfill my wants.  Been there, done that....... and left that relationship.

As Neuva said, there's a difference between surviving and thriving.  I feel that each time He gives me something I have asked for, or expressed an interest in, He is feeding my soul with little doses of happiness.  Seeing me excited, happy and fulfilled makes Him happy. 

Funny how that works...... making each other happy and all.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 8:08:00 PM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline 		i understand that within our relationship the hierarchy of prioritising 'wants' and 'needs' between He and i leaves my needs second and my wants last.. A fulfilled want is (occasionally) a treat for good behaviour in doing my best to comply with and satisfy His needs and wants, as in this case it can be used to reinforce good behaviour.. However i would be reluctant to engage myself in a relationship where nothing more than my basic 'needs' were met.. Not so much because of neglect but more because i need to know that i'm not being taken for granted.


< Message edited by metalmiss -- 11/28/2008 8:09:53 PM >

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 8:08:43 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		love the pic, miss :)

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 8:12:05 PM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

love the pic, miss :)


~blushes~ Thank you, yours too.. Always nice to see a smile :-) Master wants me to ask you something.. He says.. "When are you getting your arse over to this side of the pond?" ~giggles~ message delivered!

xx


_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 8:13:34 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		LOL Hopefully by the end of next year.. damned immigration hoops...

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 8:40:12 PM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?


mmm, i have to say i like getting what i want. one of the reason i do everything that is asked of me is so on the rare occation i ask for something i have a better chance of hearing the words yes ring in my ears. This excites me =D and i get all gitty and happy. However, i make it a point that if i hear the words no and i weigh the good with the bad and deside i really didnt want it walking away with a smile is the best answer i can give. If it is something i truely wanted sometimes ill beg or give a please oh please look. either to hear no or alright fine... however i dont really like to use this often.

i do things also for apprication (for the pure fact that i feel like i earned something) so back to my example if i hear yes i know ive been doing good and everythings happy as ever, if i hear no i can assume i have not been doing enough, or what ever the choice was between He found it best to say no because He was looking out for U/us as a whole.

i do remember there was a time that i wasn't allowed to have anything i wanted and i heard no all the time, this time was hard but it humbled me a great deal and if i ever were to find myself in that possition again i know it would again put me in a very humbled state. So do i think its neglecting on a short time span, absolutly not, a longer time span would have me say.. yes because eventually i will wonder how i can do something for the person i am with to want to give me a sliver of what i want.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 9:32:42 PM   
gapeach4


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/6/2007
Status: offline 		hmmm.. wants and needs... different for everyone, obviously, but.... the needs should be met... the wants, well, they are just those.. wants...

to me, the wants are like 'rewards', or a little ramping up of the needs....

bad examples here, but... i need a roof over my head.. i want it to be a beach house....

i need clothing... i want it to be hot, sexy stuff...

i need food/nourishment... i want it to be steak and lobster...

so, to twist it to the dark side.... i need contact from the One.. i want it to be the phone...

i need the physical stuff.... i want it to be impact play or some 'sceneing' activity...

if i don't get my needs fulfilled, then i can't be all i should be - i'd  be lacking, which would make it harder for me to focus on the Him, as i'd be worried/concerned about the needs i have...

does that make any sense!? lol..

*peachie*

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 9:39:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This is just an opinion.  Needs are things that we have in order to survive.  Wants fall on a scale of a priority level.  Some needs are highly important, some are not. 

This question and it's answer depend greatly on what it truly important to you.  Different people place wants on a different importance level.  Where do your wants fall in the grand scheme of things?   What can you live without if other  higher wants are being met?  What is most important to you in your range of wants?  What fulfills you?  What isn't that important if other  parts of you are satisfied?


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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 9:43:34 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		I second NuevaVida. Meeting nothing but the basic needs might ensure the sub's survival, but she won't thrive in the relationship. Turn it around. If you owned a submissive who did nothing but meet your most basic needs, would you keep her around? Would you feel well cared for and satisfied?

*edited for spelling errors

< Message edited by porcelain26 -- 11/28/2008 9:45:19 PM >

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 9:53:04 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with porcelain26 and NuevaVida. You have to go beyond needs in order to allow a submissive to thrive. Life is not about survival, it's about thriving. You remember the breathless moments far easier than the dull ones.

Dreamer

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/28/2008 10:36:26 PM   
Araven


Posts: 149
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline 		Interesting question, as my Mistress often forces me to do things I don't really want to do, but I know in the end they are what needs to be done. I don't think this is neglectful is any way, but I guess it also depends on the dynamic.

Deep down though, I think it boils down to what you feel and your dynamic. I know my Mistress simply wants me to always be my very best, and in the end that is what I want to be for her and what makes her happy. So while I may not always get what I want, I know that my needs are being met, and the dynamic is very much intact.


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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/29/2008 4:06:59 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?


You two obviously don't have kids.

No parent is going to jail for neglect if they don't give their kid ice cream for breakfast or allow them to drive the family car at age 8 no matter how badly the child wants these things.  Even as an adult, even when I was un-owned, even when I had full control of my own life, money, destiny, was I able to have everything I want.

Now, a want could be a symptom of an underlying need.  That's what you need to figure out.

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