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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/29/2008 4:45:33 AM

myotherself

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It depends on the relationship, I guess.

At the beginning of my current relationship I got my needs met - my 'wants' were only granted when I'd earned them. That made them all the better to experience because I knew he was happy with me, proud of me.

If I'd had it all at once, it would have been nice but I'd have had nothing to aim for (I need targets, just one of my kinks).

Try talking to your Dom, find out if he has plans to give you your wants, and what you need to do to get them.

If he says you're never going to get them, then perhaps you need to rethink your relationship.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/29/2008 5:20:59 AM

silkenfire

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I liked the earlier comparison to letting your child have all their wants...

Yet you know that certain wants have to be given into with a child or else they will be unhappy, and it's a great balance of how much you give in to what they want.

For instance... there are needs and there are wants, that I have personally.
There are wants that I should be given, that don't generally fall under need-- I *want* to orgasm during play. Yes, it makes sense in some situations to not allow this. However, ALWAYS disallowing this is a bad thing, and doesn't help the relationship any.
I *want* certain romantic gestures given to me in a relationship. All those stereotypical things. Am I likely to get them? No. I'm a hapless romantic but it's not going to kill me not to get them.
I *want* my Master to compliment my cooking when he likes it, and give me honest feedback. If he doesn't do the honest part, and lies about liking something he doesn't, I'm more likely to cook it again when he doesn't like it (so burden of annoyance on him). If he likes it and says he doesn't, he's probably not getting it again, unless I'm desperate for it. If he doesn't ever compliment my cooking, chances are I'll stop cooking for him. (We live together, I cook and he generally likes my cooking).

I think the short of this is: Some wants must be fulfilled and it is the Master/Mistress's place to determine which they are. Also, denying some wants will have reactions that are not necessarily good. If a sub that is really thin is called fat enough when all they want is acknowledgement they are beautiful, they're probably more likely to turn to an eating disorder. Things like that. Wants need to be fulfilled, in moderation, like with a child. And there's the difference between giving the child icecream for breakfast and giving the child a small toy every now and then. Moderation but there must be some.

People that are going to disagree with me for saying there "must" be some, are classifying a lot of "wants" as "needs".

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 5:32:37 AM

lronitulstahp

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

You need to be specific. However, if he isnt doing right by her then she should voice her feelings. If he doesn't do anything different, Its up to her to decide whether she stays or goes.

Who determines her needs? Her or him?

(lushy, as my therapist are you violating some sort of patient privacy rights?????

)

i've found that my needs and wants evolve over time, and are different in each relationship.

i've had Doms who thought it was their job to fulfill every want i had. And it took something away from the dynamic....because my needs to have structure and be subservient were no longer being met. i became churlish and disobedient, and difficult to deal with, overall. Much like a spoilt child. Those relationships became simply vanilla with some kinky sex thrown in.

Now my problem seems to be walking the fine line between expressing my wants and needs, and having them determined for me. At times, the fear of losing the D/s dynamic keeps me from voicing my opinions, because in the past, i've ruined a good thing by focusing on me, rather than "we". i have learned that some of my past behavior was me, pushing, just to see if i get pushed back, or put in place. Now i try to let go, rather than force something to happen. Of course even this needs some adjustment, and it's not completely idyllic, or problem free, by any means. This stuff is hard work...but the rewards, when it feels right....heavenly!

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 6:31:38 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

If a Dom is giving his sub what she needs, but not what she wants, is he doing right by her? Or is he neglecting her?

Not necessarily. Depends what her wants are and WHY you don't want to fulfill any of them. The why is important. Well, it would be for me.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 6:43:58 AM

BossyShoeBitch

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It's human nature, if people get nothing they want, one of two things will happen: Either they will leave out of unhappiness, or they will adjust to make what they want match what they are getting.

KoM said on another thread, "Her needs before my needs. My wants before her wants."

I think that sum things up rather nicely.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 7:24:28 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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It depends on their dynamic and what was agreed upon. Can't say much else without more info.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 7:30:46 AM

agirl

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I agree. The question , as posed......wouldn't say *neglect*, to me.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 8:35:50 AM

lusciouslips19

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Sometimes someone can want something that is not what they need. So perhaps a good Dominant would be able to discern that and give what the sub needs and not what the sub wants.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 9:24:54 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
You two obviously don't have kids.

No parent is going to jail for neglect if they don't give their kid ice cream for breakfast or allow them to drive the family car at age 8 no matter how badly the child wants these things.

The only needs you have to give offspring are shelter, food and clothing. Being allowed to go to a friend's birthday party isn't a need. But if you never let them have friends, get presents on their birthdays, take dance lessons when it's all they dream of - you may be a parent but you aren't being a good one.

The same with interpersonal relationships between adults. If they feel unfulfilled, even if they have a minimum of shelter and food, then the relationship isn't going to be a good one and it won't last.

Beyond the semantics here between want and need comes the fact of compatibility. If the sub is unhappy and the dominant doesn't care, then the dominant isn't any good at keeping a relationship strong and the sub isn't very good at picking a compatible partner in the first place.

Obviously I don't need to talk to him three times a day when he's out of town. But I wouldn't have gotten involved with a man who thought a two minute conversation once a week was sufficient to keep a relationship going. It might work for someone else, but it doesn't work for me. What did work for me was finding someone else who also preferred a high level of contact.

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RE: Wants And Needs - 11/30/2008 10:42:42 AM

agirl

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I thought I'd cut to the chase and ask my teen males what they thought made a *good parent*..They both said..Caring, understanding, open, honest and not overbearing. I said ... What about food, clothing and shelter? They replied.......That comes under caring and not so important. One of them said...It's about the overall well-being.

The point being........what makes a *good* dom or a *good* parent is really down to the recipient of said *goodness*.

I know for a fact that a lot of my wants aren't good for me, at least on a regular basis....lol

As DesFIP says, beyond the semantics....everyone is going to interpret the idea of wants and needs differently.

I rather think most people would like someone that does what's best for them....which may include recognising wants and refusing them.

agirl

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