making sure

making sure (Full Version)

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Tanante -> making sure (11/28/2008 7:03:08 PM)
what if you've been in contact with a 'Dom' but would like to verify he is for real - are there any ways to do this? Do subs get together to discuss their experiences in a more private manner than here on this board? Would love to learn more...

marie2 -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:08:01 PM)
You just have to put the time in and ride it out...get to know him, talk to him etc... If someone isn't who they portray themselves to be, it will surface. There's no sure-fire way to immediately "verify" that someone "is for real".

Lockit -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:08:41 PM)
Half the time you can't tell if someone is for real until you live with them. lol Grandma always said you don't know a man until you live with him and they don't think past their belt line. She kind of freaked me out a lil bit. Good church goin granny that never ever spoke of sex. I nearly spit at her table. But yes, people do ask for verification and sometimes they get it. Many talk away from the boards... just make a friend, share some emails and go for it. Good luck!

metalmiss -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:20:07 PM)
i agree, all you can really do is see where it goes.. Keep your eyes open and if he isn't well at least you can chalk it up as a lesson learned for the future.. The only way to spot the signs of a guy who is leading you on is through experience in my opinion.. So get to know him, keep your chin up & trust your instincts.. My only other advice would be to try and find yourself some fellow sub friends you can talk to in confidence.. At least then if something along the way sounds alarm bells you will have somebody to bounce it off and get another perspective ~smiles~ Good luck x

littlewonder -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:20:36 PM)
How do you verify people are for "real" in person?? You spend time with them, you talk to them, you get to know them over time. There's no magical answer that's any different here than anywhere else.

xxblushesxx -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:23:40 PM)
Some doms will put you in contact with ex's which I don't think I would want to follow up with anyway. (What was great for them might be awful for me and vise versa) But it's nice of them to offer. I have also Googled someone's name, and checked the sex offender registry. Mostly, I spent a LOT of time getting to know them online and on the phone before ever considering a meet.

CalifChick -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:35:44 PM)
There are some of us who chat on the other side. Amazing the sorts of "clubs" you find yourself in, when you don't want to be. The girls local to me all chat about the guys in our area. Amazing how many of us have all heard "you're the only one baby" from the same person. Cali

Jeptha -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:35:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Some doms will put you in contact with ex's which I don't think I would want to follow up with anyway. (What was great for them might be awful for me and vise versa) But it's nice of them to offer.... I had heard of this some time ago as sort of an informal thing; a way for a sub to maybe just get some sort of feedback about the person they were considering. I thought maybe it was an idea that was going to catch on locally and that perhaps I should get my references in order, but then I never heard anything more about it.

Tanante -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:36:17 PM)
Thank you kindly, that's wise advice. I guess i feel a little unsure because he has a lot more experience than i do. From what he tells me anyway!

Lockit -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:41:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick There are some of us who chat on the other side. Amazing the sorts of "clubs" you find yourself in, when you don't want to be. The girls local to me all chat about the guys in our area. Amazing how many of us have all heard "you're the only one baby" from the same person. Cali We get it on this side of the slash too. We all maybe should talk more! lol

Tanante -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 7:42:20 PM)
and if anyone from Toronto wants to give me tips, that's also much welcomed... You see i've been wondering about how MUCH to give of myself and any input helps. Of course i understand that common sense ruels.. but it's hard at times.

Rover -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:02:31 PM)
What constitutes a "real" Dominant (or submissive/slave) will differ from person to person. The best you can do is to verify factual information about someone you're interested in. There are ways to verify whether they're active in the local BDSM community, whether they're single or married or in some other committed relationship, whether they're employed and where, etc. And if you are also active in the BDSM community, and you have some mutual acquaintances whose opinions you value, you may be able to get some references beyond the factual. John

Tanante -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:16:26 PM)
la la la

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:16:54 PM)
Meet the person in a public place, preferably with a few friends who are -good- friends and, if not lifestyle themselves, at least comfortable with you and your choices and willing to provide backup for you. Meet casually until you're comfortable with them, and spend time getting to know them before agreeing to anything. It's the best verification that exists. It's they way people have met, dated, and lifestyled for years, before the advent of online dating, and it still works. Over time, all things are revealed.

Lockit -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:19:19 PM)
She la la la'd Rover! lol... yikes... that was good sound advice too! We may need some further verifications here...

Tanante -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:19:54 PM)
thanks to you all! it's just common sense, isnt' it...

FlamingRedhead -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 8:28:32 PM)
One of the local dungeon monitors kindly offered to try to verify anyone I wanted to meet from CM (locally, of course). I had soon developed an interest in someone, and I gave the DM the guy's name and where he was from. He wrote back and confirmed that this guy was "okay." Of course, I didn't tell the guy I was checking up on him, but he knew already since the people the DM had asked were friends of the guy....who called and told him that someone was apparently checking him out. LOL He wasn't mad, just surprised. I think it's a great way to find out about someone. If they're part of the local community, people know whether or not he's a safe player and is who he says he is.

pompeii -> RE: making sure (11/28/2008 10:48:18 PM)
Most of what I would have said has already been said so I won't repeat. What hasn't been stated is that very many professionals are "rated" on websites such as www.myredbook.com where you can look up a review to find out if the person matches their ad description and photo, etc., and what kind of service they perform. Obviously what you'd like is just such a review site for non professionals, i.e., for the rest of us ... alas ... I suspect only the CIA has that database on us all, and, well, they're not telling.

Focus50 -> RE: making sure (11/29/2008 1:59:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tanante what if you've been in contact with a 'Dom' but would like to verify he is for real - are there any ways to do this? Do subs get together to discuss their experiences in a more private manner than here on this board? Would love to learn more... I find the best way to "verify" someone is to use the brain in my head, listen to my gut instincts, communicate openly and take whatever time it takes to get to know someone potentially important to me. In other words, exactly the same dating methods any mature adult might use. But references....? Yiiiiikes; that's one BIG romance killer. Of course, I'm not into getting up close and personal or exchanging bodily fluids with strangers, as might happen in BDSM "commumity" circles. I'd suggest the best way to learn more is to first decide what you're looking for in a partner; a close, personal relationship or sensation thrills with anyone willing and able.... Focus.

NorthernGent -> RE: making sure (11/29/2008 2:22:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tanante what if you've been in contact with a 'Dom' but would like to verify he is for real - are there any ways to do this? Do subs get together to discuss their experiences in a more private manner than here on this board? Would love to learn more... There's no such thing as 'being sure' in life; there is a risk attached to every decision. Best you can do is use your napper and don't dive in head first. Edited to add: don't always rely on others to give you sound advice - horses for courses and all that.

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