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how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 5:35:45 AM

sobayblackmaster

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a long time ago I confided to my first sub that although I met her through a vanilla dating site I'd been looking for a woman with specific issues-issues that fit snugly into my developing need to dominate a female, both physically and mentally. recently I've crossed paths with several ladies on CM who I'd describe as more curious about than dedicated to the BDSM lifestyle, and through some of the hints in either their profile or through conversation I see similar patterns. what motivates a "pain slut?" additionally I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

assuage:
1 : to lessen the intensity of (something that pains or distresses) : ease <unable to assuage their grief> 2 : pacify , quiet <vainly strove…to assuage an implacable foe — Edward Gibbon> 3 : to put an end to by satisfying : appease , quench <assuaging his thirst>

< Message edited by sobayblackmaster -- 12/1/2008 5:37:34 AM >

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 5:53:31 AM

Rover

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Personally, this sounds like the tired, simplistic explanation for the existence of submissives/slaves/bottoms... that something awful must have happened to them to *make* them that way and/or there's something *wrong* with them.

Seriously, dude.... knock it off... it's offensive.

John

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 5:56:36 AM

sobayblackmaster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Personally, this sounds like the tired, simplistic explanation for the existence of submissives/slaves/bottoms... that something awful must have happened to them to *make* them that way and/or there's something *wrong* with them.

Seriously, dude.... knock it off... it's offensive.

John

that's pretty judgmental. thanks for your perspective

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 5:58:39 AM

GreedyTop

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I have to say that what John said is how it came across to me as well. Just sayin'

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 6:03:00 AM

sobayblackmaster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I have to say that what John said is how it came across to me as well. Just sayin'

I appreciate that. thanks to you as well. it's a question however, not a statement. if the answer is no then it's no. let's keep it simple and civil.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 6:31:30 AM

chamberqueen

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For some it may be that, but most subs do it for their own enjoyment. It takes great strength of character to follow someone else's every instruction whether it immediately makes sense to you or not. To do it with a good attitude is even more of a challenge. There is a pride that comes with doing that.

To turn the question around, do you believe that a Dominant becomes one just to work out issues with his psyche? Perhaps he feels he has no control over any other part of his life and needs an outlet where he can simply be the boss. That would be as unfair an assumption as assuming that a sub becomes one only to somehow fix herself. Some people will fall into those categories but the majority will not.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 6:31:42 AM

GreedyTop

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I'd say the answer is "not necessarily"

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:09:57 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

I appreciate that. thanks to you as well. it's a question however, not a statement. if the answer is no then it's no. let's keep it simple and civil.

It's hard to be civil in response to a statement that says at essence "there's something wrong with you". In response I will say that if all subs have mental issues, then obviously the converse is equally true, that all dominants have mental issues, are control freaks, etc.

That isn't true of The Man, whether or not it is true of you is something for you to ponder.

I would also like to ask you if you think the volunteers who man the polling places on Election Day have something wrong with them that they are happy to get up early and spend all day on hard folding chairs just to help others? Was Mother Teresa mentally ill that she chose a life of service?

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:21:17 AM

leadership527

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Pain Sluts: I have no comment. We don't do SM

D/s: My wife submits to me on a fairly deep level. To my knowledge and hers, she does so for three very pragmatic reasons:

She is capable of it... That is to say, she is pretty flexible internally. I think of this as her raw submissiveness.
She knows I lead well. My leadership, heretofor, has been very good for our marriage, so she's inclined to play along further.
She likes pleasing me. Heck, it puts a big smile on my face and pleases her indirectly so why not? It's a net win to our marriage.

None of those reasons involve any "issues". In fact, almost anyone could make the same decisions for the same reasons assuming they had the flexibiity I first noted. In fact, I am so flexible and can easily see myself submitting in some different relationship with a different wife. To my knowledge, I don't have any "issues".

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 12/1/2008 7:23:03 AM >

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:37:36 AM

angelikaJ

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The [obvious] problem with generalizations is that this is not a one size fits all world.

For me, every relationship is different; each dynamic is unique, even if there may be some common elements within them.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:46:41 AM

RainydayNE

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you're looking for a woman with issues with herself?
why?
if you're LOOKING for someone with certain issues, so that she "fits" into your need to dominate, are you then taking advantage of /manipulating her personal problems without any idea if it would even be good for her? that's pretty crappy if you ask me. but maybe i've misunderstood

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:50:29 AM

MAMandSlave

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I am going to take the OP for face value.
I wonder if you are talking about individuals who use self harming methods to cope with emotional pain. There is a big difference, in my mind, of a self harming method, such as cutting and intentional bruising, to relieve emotional pain, and a masochist who truly gets sexual and physical arousal from pain. In order to satisfy the former, the individual would need to be kept in an unstable emotional pattern, so that they felt the need for relief from emotional pain. While there are individuals out there that have that sort of instability in their lives naturally, that same instability can make them poor submissives, leading to self loathing when they feel they are not meeting expectations, leading to the need for what has then been taught to them as punishment, if they are with a sadist who is doing so, which relieves their emotional pain temporarily. This satisfies the sadists need to cause pain, but is not truly a rewarding experience for the sub or slave as that individual continues to feel and underlying belief that they are not meeting expectations.
I do know several slaves who have history of self mutilation, but if it is currently active, and they have not developed better coping mechanisms for emotional regulation, it might be best to help them get help, before developing any sort of intense emotional connection with them.
Incidentally, if a Dom is searching for people who are actively using these coping mechanisms as a way of judging whether they meet his criteria for a slave, then it is a bit, in my opinion, like watching the newspaper for women who's husbands have died, as they will be emotionally vulnerable to men wan to who prey on them, for sex and money.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:59:59 AM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I'd say the answer is "not necessarily"

Satire Alert: the following statements are made with tongue firmly planted in cheek...please know that perse loves you all...no matter how psychologically crippled you are.

Gee, i dunno, Greedy....im pretty fucked up.

Seriously, to the OP...i ididnt particularly take offense to the question posed. Mostly because i think that everyone on the planet is fucked up in one way or the other...i mean, comeon...we all have parents, dont we?? Even the lucky sots who go off and get themselves adopted had bio parents and adoptive parents arent automatically perfect either...but back on topic....
i think that im a painslut because i am capable of eroticising pain. i can come from being beaten/spanked and i sometimes come from pressure points and now from punching and kicking...i get off on being in predicaments and being scared that parts of my body are going to be damaged beyond recognition or the very real possibility that a poorly timed sneeze will be my demise when that shiney steel blade is being drawn across my throat. Do i think BigBird is actually going to knife me?? Hell to the no....hes a pussycat...erm...an ominous and terrifying one but feline "domesticus" he is...but hes also kind of...well, hes a bit like a bull in a china shop sometimes and i could completely see my obit now reading, "died at 39, due to severe pollen allergies".

Hes a dominant because he thrives on taking care of people despite the knowledge that they can do it all on their own if need be...he simply sees what needs to be done to make a girls life just a touch easier, and goes about doing just that. Does this mean that he has boundary issues and is codependent because his mother was too smothering or too distant? Odds are, yes...one of those could be true. Am i a painslut because i have such an unhealthy need to please that i am willing to put myself in harms way to acheive that?....Odds are, yes. Am i regular old slut and a Daddys girl because my actual father was a jackass?? Absolutely. i have unresolved Daddy issues and i act them out in hundreds of ways everyday...

In the end...it really doesnt matter. Am i able to get and keep a job and get and keep a relationship? Absolutely. Is he able to get and keep a marriage and another partner and raise and home school 3 children...and still take such good care of his girls that they sometimes literally forgot that there was no money actively coming in...no real way to pay the mortgage...yadayada? Yes, he is and he has...

Now, i am only speaking for myself, and unfortunately out of turn for my good buddy, BigBird....(he simply adores it when i call him that, especially on a public forum) i am in no way saying that anyone else is as fucked up as i.

And im really simply saying, it really doesnt matter.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:10:16 AM

Rover

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

that's pretty judgmental.

Yep... what's your point?

John

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:16:16 AM

SassySarijane

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I bottom because I enjoy it and because it feeds me. I submit when I find a dominant who draws it from me and being submissive is part of my personality and feels right with the right dominant. Everyone in the world likely has issues of one kind or another and issues don't cause them all to submit or dominate. For me it is a choice, one that fulfills me and makes me happy. It adds to my life, it doesn't make up for issues. Those I still have. Just another part of what makes the total me.

edited to add a missing s.

< Message edited by SassySarijane -- 12/1/2008 8:43:40 AM >

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:24:04 AM

akisha

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I have no issues that make me feel I need to submit to someone. I have no guilt that makes me feel I need to be punished.

I submit because it balances my life and centers me and calms the caos in my head.

I like to be beat cause I get off on the pain, and it's where I can be weak if I feel the need at the time.

Simple as that.

The idea that you need a reason or some kind of mental issue to want to be submissive is slightly insulting. I'm sure there are people out there that enter into this lifestyle for those reasons but I highly doubt it's a majority.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:32:52 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

a long time ago I confided to my first sub that although I met her through a vanilla dating site I'd been looking for a woman with specific issues-issues that fit snugly into my developing need to dominate a female, both physically and mentally. recently I've crossed paths with several ladies on CM who I'd describe as more curious about than dedicated to the BDSM lifestyle, and through some of the hints in either their profile or through conversation I see similar patterns. what motivates a "pain slut?" additionally I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

assuage:
1 : to lessen the intensity of (something that pains or distresses) : ease <unable to assuage their grief> 2 : pacify , quiet <vainly strove…to assuage an implacable foe — Edward Gibbon> 3 : to put an end to by satisfying : appease , quench <assuaging his thirst>

The problem with this is that it -will- fit some folks... and it won't fit others. The choice to allow oneself to yield to another person or to pick up the yoke of control for another person comes out of many different places... perhaps even a different place for each person. There just isn't any way to put it neatly into a box.

As a really good example, there isn't anyone that I've known for most of my 46 years who would have said that I was a submissive person. Even the monks with whom I served for a decade made note in my records that the concept of submitting to a deity seemed beyond my capacity -- I'm definitely not the type to abrogate control of my life. And yet, for over 4 years, I voluntarily yielded full control of my life, actions, and interactions with the world to the House that I am now a Keeper in. Why? Because it was the only way that I could get to the goal that I wanted... which was to become Keeper among these people... this particular group, with these particular philosophies. They had one road in, and if I wanted in, I had to walk the road, so I did.

Did I have issues? Heck yeah. Anyone who holds control of themselves that tightly has issues. Were my issues the -reason- that I submitted. Nope. The -goal- was the reason. Not to say that it wasn't beneficial, because it was, but I couldn't have known that going in... and I have to admit (and if dear Ebony was alive, he'd concur) that I was a PITA servant and fought my submission tooth-and-nail, even while wanting to be there with all my heart.

On another end of life, I am an intensity freak. I really enjoy body modification, including piercing (temp and perm) and tattoos... and not just giving, but getting. On the "getting" end, which relates to your question about what motivates a pain-slut, it is the ONLY truly "spiritual" experience I can manage. It gets me out of my body--rips me free of my flesh shell, even as it connects me more closely with it. I don't get an 'endorphin rush', so I get no relief from the pain, but I do get a psychedelic trip... my brain uses the pain to push me deep into my own imagination. I get my best story ideas when under needles or the tattoo gun. I 'dream', which is something I don't do much when I sleep any more (since I started this doggone corporate job!).

It just isn't easy to 'box' people up -- we all have our reasons, and some of us won't even be aware of why we're doing what we're doing. Sometimes, there will be secondary benefits to doing what we do. Trying to oversimplify the process, even as a way of trying to manage the search for partners, cuts out valuable information and opportunities to know things about people that don't fit into those nice, neat spaces... the stuff that oozes out of the cracks, and drips, sweet, metallic, and crimson, from beneath the shell of flesh.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:38:53 AM

NihilusZero

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The answer, in essence, is "yes"...however it's the implication of what "issues" means that causes problems. Those "issues" are psychological idiosyncrasies we all have and, depending on the motivations (and the understanding of them), don't necessarily add up to anything inherently "wrong" with an individual other that their likelihood to have those "issues" assuaged based strictly on odds.

So, while your point is directed at subs, Doms do not escape this actuality either. Heck, most any human individual is (by virtue of the hunger for a mate) prone to some variety of "issue" just for that yearning alone.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:53:08 AM

ProlificNeeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster
what motivates a "pain slut?" additionally I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

My issue is that i want to be dominated, it is not a crutch or a cover for 'something else'.
Power exchange is about far more than 'power over my body'. Long before the body is offered, the mind is given first. Anyone who wanted the body and not the mind, wouldn't have a sweet clue on what my needs were, and therefor would be an inappropriate person for me.
I don't "sell" power exchange for something I want. It's not coinage. The power exchange IS what I want, provided it is with the right person.

Just my two cents.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:56:36 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

I find myself asking why people keep asking this question.

How hard is it to grasp that there is not an "issue" behind every "need"?

Beyond that.....what Rover said.

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