LadiesBladewing
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Joined: 8/31/2005
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Crazytwice, You discuss a couple of concepts here, rather than one single perspective issue, so I would like to address the answers in the portions of the question to which they apply.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Crazytwice
Here's another hurdle in my attempt to understand and embrace d/s.
Perhaps I'm not submissive, perhaps I'm "hearing" the wrong doms, or perhaps I simply misunderstand.
any of these is a possibility, or perhaps you haven't found the D/s perspective that suits the way that you are able to live.
quote:
I'm a big proponent of the equal division of labor, especially in the running of a busy household. I've seen far too many marriages fail because one partner felt they were working harder than the other. I'll use a real-life scenario to clarify this point.
For example, the reality of our current economy makes it necessary for many
(if not most) households to rely on a two-person income. Often both husband and wife are carrying a 40-hour plus workweek outside the home. Because many woman ( I believe ),
are more attuned to child-rearing and household management ( be it from nature or nurture), she carries this additional burden. Fatique and burn-out can ensue, resentment may build, intimacy becomes a thing of the past, and the relationship disintregrates.
The wife may decide she can do better with someone else, or even alone, having one less person to manage in the mix. The husband is dismissed as a liability to her efforts.
He is spiritually castrated, feeling that he was unable to fulfill his need to lead, protect, and support his family.
( He is "pussified", if you will, which I know is another thread but I had to add my 2 cents.
I think the pussification of the American male is greatly influenced by economics).
OK, back on track. Given that a couple may be in it for the long haul, a lifetime commitment as the goal, how does a master/slave relationship address the problems inherent in unequal division of labor?
This is not strictly a D/s question... the wording that you use brings into play the idea of D/s specifically relating to those individuals who are exploring a more intense, more demanding version of the D/s lifestyle, called M/s or O/s (Master/slave or Owner/slave). In these cases, there is no such thing as "unequal division of labor". The agreement at the time of collaring is that the Master or Owner will decide how things will be divided, and that becomes law. It isn't the average way of doing things, and is a lot less typical than it may appear on forums. There are -many- Dominant/submissive relationships where the division of household labor is considered separately from other aspects of the relationship. It is also possible, even in a M/s relationship, for the Owner to decide that an egalitarian division of household labor is what suits him or her.
In our household, it is true that labor is not evenly divided. We do some things in our own household, and our servant works and also maintains a separate household for the moment, however, in time, even though she works outside the household, she will still be responsible for attending to our home. It is what we agreed to, and works for us, since both myself and my co-matriarch have not only our day jobs, but are working on building businesses in our hours away from work that we anticipate will provide for us for years to come (neither of us plans to ever retire -- we prefer to have work that we love and cherish until our lives here are over.) In time, we will have a full staff, and no one servant will be required to carry the full load of caring for our home, but for now, our girl is responsible for handling it. It isn't something that we forced on her. She knew the requirements, and even now is only in a consideration collar, so if she felt that she was unwilling to work within our requirements, she could petition release. We do not expect to hear whining or sense resentment from her. If she feels those things and is unwilling to put herself through it and decides she doesn't want to follow the conditions of a collar with us after having talked with us about ways to resolve the situation, then we are probably not the right place for her, and all that we ask is that she be brutally honest with herself and with us.
That doesn't mean that she'll never -feel- resentment. I expect that, at some point, she will experience resentment, anger, even the desire to cut corners or shirk in her service. It is my hope and our -expectation- that when she feels these things, she will come to us. Either she will come to us seeking out a way to improve her focus and restore her joy in service, or she will come to us and let us know that she is unwilling to continue. Either way, it was her honesty that caused us to consider her, and I know that when she struggles with these things, she will be honest as well, even though it won't be easy.
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I have read doms proclaim that after a 12-hour workday, they feel entitled to come home and have their needs met. I'm sure many vanilla men feel this way too. I have no real problem there. But what if his partner has also put in a 12-hour workday? I am exhausted after a 12 hour shift. I would resent having to meet my dom's needs while my own needs ( rest, for example), were left unmet.
In an enslavement relationship, the idea is that the slave yields up hir needs to service, -choosing- to place the owner's needs above hir own and to allow the scope of hir needs to be determined by hir Owner. If you don't feel that this is something you are called to do, then the best suggestion is not to accept a position that would require this. There are so many permutations of this life that there is no reason to accept something that you find intolerable.
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As a slave, are you expected to ignore your own needs for the goal of living in service?
We all have a basic heirarchy of needs. If these basic needs aren't being met, how can we truly give of ourselves to others?
It is my responsibility, as an owner, to see to it that the basic needs of my servants are being met. I may do this by helping them to help themselves, or by providing either substance or resource. HOWEVER, there is a huge difference between a "need" and a "want". Many individuals do not even come close to pressing themselves to the point of "need". They give as much as they can give without giving so much that it stretches them, and then say that that is all they are willing to contribute. "At the end of my willing contribution" doesn't mean "I -need- to stop." it means "I don't -want- to do any more." A slave gives up the right to say "I don't want..." or "I want..." and runs the risk that the Owner might say "You aren't done and don't need a break yet, take care of -this-." For the individual who doesn't want to take that risk, call it what it is -- a want -- and don't accept a place where that becomes part of the equation.
After full workdays, and with chronic health issues, I still manage to come home and work on my projects, build my future, and teach. I am often tired, but "tired" is repairable. I may give up my television, my recreational reading or any number of other recreational activities to be able to get the things done that I need to get done, and that is just a fact. When my body can't do any more, I take a break... but even then, I find myself compelled to push myself just a little bit more, so when I can, I do.
In the same way, Lady SilverRose comes home from work and starts on her homework for medical school. She often spends evenings and weekends working into the early morning hours towards her dream. On top of this, we are raising a bright, intelligent, insightful and precocious teenaged short person. We try to make time for family time, for teaching time, for recreation and for our dreams, and somehow, we manage to be able to do so and cope with a bit of "crabby" and some exhaustion as part of the "sweat equity" in our dreams.
We have high expectations for our servants, but also have high expectations for ourselves. We tend to our servants' "needs", but reserve the right to determine what is a 'need' and what is a 'want', and direct them accordingly. For someone who wishes to retain the right to determine whether something is a need or a want for hirself, that person probably wouldn't be particularly interested in an Owner/servant - style relationship.
quote:
I can embrace the sacrifice of self for an ideal and a power believed to be greater than my self. From the common but by no means trivial sacrifice required in raising a child, to the more lofty goal of community service or dedicating one's life to the service of God.
But is a master/slave relationship an ideal, a power greater than ourselves? Am I expected to set aside my own needs to meet those of one who is perfectly capable of tending to himself? Someone who is, after all, just another man, with the same
frailties, limitations, needs, and desires as myself?
An Owner/servant relationship -can- be an ideal greater than the individuals involved. Choosing to live in service to others, whether that service is communal or individual, is a high calling, and an art that is dying in our "gimme gimme" world. I've lived in both communal and individual service situations, both as a monk and as a personal servant, and I can tell you that the call to serve can be every bit as compelling in both situations, and the ideal of service and the standard to which one holds oneself in that standard can be every bit as idealistic and fulfilling. However, if one is not called to that, or prefers not to answer the call if it is there, there is no amount of discipline, punishment or force that can evoke the proper mind, heart and spirit-set to make the service done anything but an annoyance to be resented.
Choose carefully. Perhaps the aspects of service are not ones that call you in this life.
Lady Zephyr
< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 12/25/2005 2:58:55 PM >
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