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Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 2:27:03 AM

SthrnCom4t

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Joined: 9/9/2007
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I think there's a difference between being clingy, and wanting connection. We all like connection with our partners, and in these times we have lots of options. (text, email, phone, etc) Leaving ONE message, per communication method is sufficient. Sometimes life gets in the way, and an immediate reply is not an option.

Feeling angst or panic can be a symptom of deep insecurities and abandonment issues. When constant reassuring contact becomes necessary, it can be very energetically draining, and feel manipulative.

If you recognize this in yourself, be proactive in addressing these issues. Most often this is an ongoing process, and if you are aware and can verbalize that you recognize this baggage, and show you are making progress moving past it, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. Many Dominants enjoy helping their submissives make personal improvements and value self-enlightenment.

Understand, just because you *want* something, doesn't mean you're going to *get* it. However, consider this...

-Getting upset or mad if you don't hear back can't do you any good.

-If the reason for the delay in return communication is legitimite, it was probably something stressful anyway. Dealing with an irrate or insecure submissive just adds more stress.

-If the reason for the delay is simply lack of interest in replying, being cranky just accelerates the process of the other person leaving.

"Amount of Connection" is a compatibility issue. Discussion about expectation of such things is a reasonable topic to broach when getting to know someone. Asking a Dominant his preference and thoughts on the subject show initiative to serve gracefully, and also gives you the opportunity to decide if you'll get your connection needs met over the long term.

I've seen a fair amount of 'clingy' in the submissive population and I'm wondering if those who've 'recovered' have any good advice they'd be willing to share with their 'still suffering' sisters and brothers?

PS. I'm just throwing this out for public discussion. My Otter is exemplary in remaining stable and grounded.

_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

Post #: 1

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 2:49:22 AM

rosanegra

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/1/2006
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Daddy (sometimes known as my husband) knew from the beginning that I crave heaping doses of affection and "connection."

Most of the time he is fine with it. There are times it gets on his nerves... but he also understands it is a part of who I am.

I do have abandonment issues.. but that is another part of my personality altogether. That is the part that worries incessantly.. and usually it is more or less relief for both of us when we reconnect after a period of silence. The thing is, I am not afraid of him choosing to leave.. I am afraid of something happening to him that doesn't make it possible to come back...

How do you think this topic might apply to the spouses/submissives etc of members of the military. In my case, Daddy is deployed... This makes the anxiety that something might happen very reasonable. No, it is not helpful to get worked up over it when I don't hear from him, but sometimes it can't be helped.. especially when he is the type to get online and talk to me or call me every day just to let me know he is okay.. then when something gets in the way of that, and he doesn't contact me when he normally would several times in a row, I do freak out...Not angry or irritated or cranky freaking out, but worried freaking out....

Of course, as the time he has been gone gets longer and longer, it has become easier to deal with for both of us... but there are situations like this not dealing with deployment too.. and I worry about people other than him. Up here in Alaska the roads are horrible, so when I'm driving somewhere and see several cars totalled and/or in ditches, and I know a friend of mine has been out driving around, I tend to get worried there too.

That's just the kind of person I am. I have gotten too many of those phone calls in my short life.. So it freaks me out.

So.. connection issues aren't just about insecurity in my opinion. They are also deeply rooted in concern....

I am cuddly and "clingy" because that is how I express love.. I need to hear from people because otherwise my subconscious leads me to fear the worst.

_____________________________

"If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless."

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 2

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 6:42:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't think that just because one quick message says communication to the OP that therefore anyone who used more than that is by definition clingy. If he enjoys getting a quick text, a longer voicemail and a fully explanatory email that doesn't make me clingy. It makes me compatible with him.

Clingy is a pejorative word to describe someone who isn't compatible with you. It is in the eye of the beholder. How much communication or contacts you require daily is simply a fact. One that it is important to know about before you get into a relationship so that you can discover if you are compatible.

He and I are both high contact. Three or four times a day when not together minimum. Doesn't make us clingy, makes us compatible. I know a woman who only speaks to her Dom on Thursdays briefly to finalize weekend plans. Doesn't make her a cold fish, emotionally unavailable. It makes her compatible with her dom and not compatible with mine.

_____________________________

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(in reply to rosanegra)

Post #: 3

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 6:55:54 AM

chamberqueen

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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I have read that this is very common for even well balanced subs. There are times when you feel your top seeming to pull away from you and the natural reaction is to try to get closer. While endeavoring to do this you may actually be driving them away.

What one Dom/me might see as clingy another might see as expected behavior so it is impossible to draw an arbitrary line. When you are not with someone in person but contacting them through emails, by phone, or some other medium, you really have no idea if they are busy, stressed out about something, or just need to relax. Because a sub tends to make their Dom/me the center of their world it can be difficult to understand why contact is sometimes more limited than they wish.

Most people don't see in themselves when they are being clingy. It is easy for people to excuse their own behavior because they know their own reasons for it. They need reassurance (whether top or bottom) and studies have proven that people would rather receive negative attention than none at all. Hopefully your post will help some to take a better look at themselves and their behavior, but I don't think that most see in themselves when they are being clingy.

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Post #: 4

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 7:25:57 AM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
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Life happens. I can't see it being healthy for either side to be constantly worried about what the other is doing, feeling, etc. That being said, I myself am guilty of that at times...especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. Most of my "clinginess" was and still is at times due to emotional baggage from prior relationships. For my particular situation, communication and honesty was the key to overcoming this - I was upfront about it. Does it still happen on occasion, yes. Do I get hysterical? No.

< Message edited by natasha66 -- 12/2/2008 7:41:26 AM >

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 5

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 7:37:42 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
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This is something I deal with a good bit because of our dynamic and living arrangements. I'm even working on a journal entry for Him about it and posting here might help me with gathering my thoughts.

I need to feel that connectedness and if, for whatever reason, we are unable to see each other or the time together is brief and hurried, or communication is limited, I start feeling very anxious.

But I don't cling. I don't know if it's a self preservation thing or what, but when I start feeling disconnected from Him, it's as though mentally and emotionally I start pulling away. I think part of it is that I don't want to seem clingy or needy or weak........ yet deep inside, that little girl is feeling that way to a certain degree.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 6

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 7:38:47 AM

littleone35

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Joined: 2/17/2005
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My Master calls me every morning when he gets to work ( i am usually still sleeping) and i call him back usually get voicmail so i leave a message. Then he calls me again at lunch, and i see him when he gets home. Master also calls me whan he is almost home. Since Master calls me so much does that make him clingy? I don't think so. To me it just means that he loves me and wants contact with me, as much as i love and want contact with him. So we are compatiable because we want that contact.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 12/2/2008 7:57:09 AM >

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 7

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 7:53:28 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
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littleone touches on something important. Everyone always assumes it's just the s types who need that connection or who feel needy or clingy at times. D types can feel that way as well.

There's a thread over on Fetlife in one of the groups asking if masters miss their slaves. It was very sweet and heartwarming to read all of these posts from those big, bad domly types

speaking of how much they miss and long for the slaves when they are apart.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 8

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 8:14:33 AM

FlamingRedhead

Posts: 451
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: Georgia
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I have to agree with DesFIP. Clingy is used to describe someone you're not compatible with, i.e. you don't really want that person's attention. I have insecurities and abandonment issues. I try very hard not to be clingy, almost to the point of pushing people away or seeming like I'm not interested, although I let people I'm interested in know up front that I like a lot of attention. I just prefer not to initiate it because I don't want to be *that* girl.

I think the situations that you're describing boil down to a perceived lack of respect, not clinginess. If I call and leave a message, I expect my call to be returned, likewise text or email. Usually 24 hours is sufficient, although if there are plans involved...that might be a bit too late....in which case I'll be miffed.

Happily, J and I generally have some type of contact every day.

_____________________________

I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
Or the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's unlike anything
When you're loving me

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 9

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 8:32:22 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I think the key is in finding someone with compatible tendencies for contact, as others have mentioned. Early in a courthship I prefer the man to pursue (also from reading I've done, this is usually what will work out the best long-term). If anything, I will pull back rather than over-communicate, mainly because I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting around waiting for a phone call or text, plus I have other things going on, this has always worked for me and I truly believe that the dominant must want the relationship as much as the submissive. I do like a brief phone call in the morning, "checking in, is everything okay with your life, have a good day..."

_____________________________

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(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 10

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 8:42:00 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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one person's annoying cling is another's blissfull connection.

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 11

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 8:45:38 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

one person's annoying cling is another's blissfull connection.

Perfectly said. :)

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 11:10:04 AM

SthrnCom4t

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Thanks to everyone who is sharing their thoughts. I do like a lot of connection, which is one of the areas in which Otter and I find compatibility. Neither of us is shy about contacting the other, and it always makes each of us feel good to know that other wants to reach out and touch as much receive.

Having entered this lifestyle as a submissive 13 years ago, I remember having angst when I didn't get a return contact right away. I remember getting frustrated/upset and even after a day or two, getting snotty when I did finally get the contact. Now, I know that just because the contact isn't returned immediately, doesn't mean 'he's changed his mind', "he doesn't like me anymore", "he's found someone else" etc. I'm much more grounded and stable, and my life sails more smoothly and I don't feel like I'm an emotional roller-coaster all the time. Life without angst is a good thing. My relationships have become much more successful.

I think those in LDRs deal with this challenge constantly, and is something that should be considered in the beginning of such establishment.

To more narrowly define what *I* consider to be "clingy". It's when self doubts and fear begin to creep in, when contact isn't returned within a reasonable period of time. It's fear that somehow the relationship dynamic has changed significantly unilaterally (without prior discussion). Those that do recognize it, verbalize it and work hard to overcome their instincts don't feel 'clingy' to me at all. At that point it just becomes an issue to jointly work on.

Obviously if your SO doesn't contact you at the usual time, it would make you wonder what's going on. Separation secondary to military involvment obviously increases the tension significantly, which is completely understandable. You have my admiration for being able to endure such stress.

Thank you, chamberqueen for mentioning that those who exhibit this type of behavior rarely recognize it in themselves.

My post was meant more for those who think bombarding someone with 15 text messages is acceptable, and whose default path is to think there is something wrong.

For example....

I met a submissive at a club and afterward we went to a restaurant and talked til 4am. Seemed we had some common ground, so we exchanged numbers and email addys. I didn't hear from him for five days. ( I just figured he wasn't interested or got busy) He does finally contact me via messenger. We chat and I give him my numbers again. (lost the napkin) When he calls later that day I'm out and busy. He calls the following day and leaves this sad, forlorn message expressing that he is assuming I've changed my mind. (not very attractive to me) The next time he calls, I'm in the middle of dinner with a friend. I explain I'm busy for the next 30 minutes, but he can call me after that. Over the next 15 minutes I get 3 more calls from him.

I brought this up in the submissive forum, because I do feel like its more common among submissives, however, I certainly don't consider it exclusive and certainly it can occur no matter what a person's orientation or gender.

_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 13

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 11:28:48 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...I met a submissive at a club and afterward we went to a restaurant and talked til 4am. Seemed we had some common ground, so we exchanged numbers and email addys. I didn't hear from him for five days. ( I just figured he wasn't interested or got busy) He does finally contact me via messenger. We chat and I give him my numbers again. (lost the napkin) When he calls later that day I'm out and busy. He calls the following day and leaves this sad, forlorn message expressing that he is assuming I've changed my mind. (not very attractive to me) The next time he calls, I'm in the middle of dinner with a friend. I explain I'm busy for the next 30 minutes, but he can call me after that. Over the next 15 minutes I get 3 more calls from him...

this slave doesn't interpret the behavior you describe as coming from one who is "clingy" or "submissive".

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 14

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 11:53:24 AM

porcelain26

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Joined: 11/16/2007
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I agree with what a lot of people are saying, that someone's clingy could be another person's blissful connection (because seriously, that's just an awesome description). Do I get clingy at times...yup, sure do. I know it, Master knows it....hell, just about everyone knows it. Sometimes I can reign it in, other times Master has to do it for me. But He is extremely used to my moods, to my sometimes crazed behavior, and He knows how to adjust and adapt and work with me on it. That to me is connection. He very affectionately reminds me at times that I'm an attention whore from hell and that while He might be Satan incarnate, He still has to actually RUN Hell and can't spend every second with me *Grins*

I send my Owner huge emails on a regular basis, spilling my heart and soul on a computer screen for Him to pick through....He loves it, always has. I'll leave Him random IM messages, sometimes a dozen in a day, and again, He loves it and has no problem with it. But the nature of our relationship is complicated past what I can explain...all I know is that it works for us and that's all that matters. How others perceive my behavior is not my priority.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 11:58:33 AM

rosanegra

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Passive-agressive maybe?

_____________________________

"If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless."

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 16

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 12:11:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't consider someone you spoke to briefly once bombarding you with calls as clingy because there was no relationship to cling to. I call that someone with poor people skills and no sense of how to appropriately make friends. All of us, submissive or dominant or tutti-frutti will have had such encounters in their past.

However you also use the phrase "return contact in a reasonable amount of time". If the two people involved had discussed and agreed on what a reasonable amount of time is, then it is not clingy to attempt contact again if one partner doesn't respond and doesn't say ahead of time they will be out of contact. If one partner always calls at 6:00PM while commuting home, then if they know they will be on an airplane the next day at that time it is only the basic of politeness to inform your partner of this ahead of time. If you can't be bothered mentioning this to your partner ahead of time, then that shows that you don't make your partner a priority, only an option.

My oldest drove back to college Sunday in a weather system that covered all of New York State with ice and snow. Expecting her to call that she had made it there safely was not being clingy. It was common courtesy so that I didn't worry she was off the road in a ditch.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to porcelain26)

Post #: 17

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 1:52:03 PM

MasterTslave

Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

ok, so I do have issues with connections/clingy things. Master T gets upset with me from time to time because when he does things that upset me I always think that he is going to leave and that really makes him MAD!!! I just posted the past few days in my blog about my "issues" with this after being very upset with Master T.. (www.mtslave.wordpress.com ) if you want to check it out. I think that this is a common thing for women in general...sorry :)

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 18

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 2:39:27 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t

I think there's a difference between being clingy, and wanting connection. We all like connection with our partners, and in these times we have lots of options. (text, email, phone, etc) Leaving ONE message, per communication method is sufficient. Sometimes life gets in the way, and an immediate reply is not an option.

Feeling angst or panic can be a symptom of deep insecurities and abandonment issues. When constant reassuring contact becomes necessary, it can be very energetically draining, and feel manipulative.

Leaving as many messages as I want to is sufficient.

Give over. Some of us don't expect replies, immediate or otherwise, nor is it an indication of angst, panic or an indication of anything other than 'having something to say'.

Someone has rattled your cage and the result is a semi-lecture on levels of connection?

You probably lost me with the *serve gracefully* when it comes to communicating and contact. I prefer the *both of us being 'served'*.

Clinging happily...agirl

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)

Post #: 19

RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 3:15:29 PM

velvetslave

Posts: 33
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Clingy is a pejorative word to describe someone who isn't compatible with you. It is in the eye of the beholder. How much communication or contacts you require daily is simply a fact. One that it is important to know about before you get into a relationship so that you can discover if you are compatible.

i agree with DesFIP. The amount of communication is a matter of compatibility. my Master and i are in constant communication, and have been for several years. We both have blackberries and talk on the messenger the whole time we are apart. It works for us because it is what we both want/need. For others that would be way too much communication, for us it is perfect.

Just my thoughts,
velvetslave

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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