NuevaVida
Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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I think people place value on what makes them fulfilled, and what doesn't make them fulfilled. They base their opinions to others on their own value system - a perfectly natural occurrence. How many times have you heard one person's woes and thought to yourself, "That's nothing! They have no idea what I've just been through" because you are validating (or placing value on) their experience in comparison to yours.
It's no difference when judging other people's relationships. Just as some people place a higher value on married relationships than live-in, unmarried relationships, and on not living together relationships, they will place value on live-in D/s vs. not living together D/s, vs online D/s.
I read through the posts and it dawned on me (not to pick on you Merc, we already know what works for you is different than what works for me, and so on), Merc finds fulfillment in the ability to rush home to beth should she need his care or direction. Others find fulfillment in not feeling like they need to rush home should their partner be distressed. It's really a matter of what fulfills each individual.
Mind you, I also don't like seeing people discount another's relationship because it doesn't fit their personal criteria - I tend to find that rather rude. But I can also see why this happens, particularly in an online environment such as this, as a lot of those relationships DO consist of some fantasy, and a LOT of those relationships don't last more than a short period of time. How many times do you hear the "velcro collar" remark? In week one she loves him, in week two she's hurting, and in week three he's the epitome of all things evil. Because so much of that occurs, people tend to jump to that type of relationship as a conclusion when they read about online relationships.
I'm a believer that "relationship" means two or more people relating to each other. Some in person relationships are more involved and intense than others, just as online relationships are, as well. There are many respected people here who are or have been in long distance (mostly "online") relationships, who are well respected. KOM and kyra come to mind, as do Michael and BSB. They made/make it work, despite the distance and long periods of time between seeing each other. But time and constancy make these dynamics more "valid" in people's minds, as well as the way they relay their relationships to others, rather than someone who comes on the boards filled with strife about how their dom of two weeks didn't talk to them yesterday. That's probably the difference in how and why people perceive what they do.
Personally speaking, I am somewhat involved with someone who lives 3,000 miles from me. We have met on a couple of occasions, and we'll be meeting again in about a week. Neither of us really wanted to become involved in an "online" thing, but we connected through our words - phone calls, Skype, IM's, etc., and have so much in common that we wanted to continue to move along to see where it goes, and enjoy what is happening in the present. Because of the distance, we decided not to make a long lasting commitment to each other, or to become deeply involved, but we are absolutely enjoying the hours we spend on the phone and on Skype, and the way we are connecting.
That said, his mother died last weekend and he flew to the midwest to be with her before she did, and has remained there to be with family and make arrangements. At the same time, I have been in an accident which has left me stuck at home with limited mobility. We are talking several times a day, and connecting in a way neither of us expected to, because of the circumstances. He calls me to talk about what he's dealing with, and I'm a source of comfort for him even though I am not physically there with him, in his presence. I would say our connection has as much validity as if I were there - we're both pretty independent and don't want a partner who needs continual in person attention. So it's working for us. We think about each other in our absence, and share some common bonds even if we're not in the same room. It's valid to us. Whether or not it is valid to others is rather inconsequential, as it has no bearing on who he and I are as individuals or as a "couple." So if someone dismisses our relationship because it is not what they believe as valid, that's A-Okay, because it is not their relationship, it is ours. If we lived two doors down from each other but didn't live together, the relationship would still be less valid in the eyes of someone else, and that's ok, too.
I've rambled a lot here, but wanted to share my long and drawn out perspective, for what it's worth.
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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.
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