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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/25/2008 6:37:13 AM   
malloves69


Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		hi Ms Goddezz T .. happy holidays !! hugs mal

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/25/2008 8:11:03 AM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		There is a caution flag here..

This is a "doesn't fit" aspect.  Not a big deal in most considerations, people have to make certain compromises in all relationships, but this particular issue may, repeat may, reveal a "Dom" who's doing his thing out of anger and a psychological need to abuse women.  He may be pursuing something very different from mutual sexual fulfillment.  Proceed with CAUTION!

(in reply to malloves69)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/25/2008 11:01:48 AM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm speaking for myself only as everyone is certainly entitled to do whatever (or whomever) they please. 

Humiliation is one of a few things I've struggled to understand.  I've had discussions with a Dom friend about humiliation and he's explained the concept and what people may receive from being humiliated.   However, my past was rife with abuse, especially non-consensual verbal abuse and being humiliated would most likely cause (me) more harm than good.  

Thank goodness for those Doms who state how much they enjoy humiliation in their profile because I know we wouldn't be a good match.

Edited to state that I'm not saying humiliation is a form of abuse.

< Message edited by sblady -- 12/25/2008 11:15:50 AM >

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(in reply to WomantoDomu)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/25/2008 3:45:55 PM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDevlin

There is a caution flag here..

This is a "doesn't fit" aspect.  Not a big deal in most considerations, people have to make certain compromises in all relationships, but this particular issue may, repeat may, reveal a "Dom" who's doing his thing out of anger and a psychological need to abuse women.  He may be pursuing something very different from mutual sexual fulfillment.  Proceed with CAUTION!


Well MrDevlin,
There are loads of people pretending to B Dominants,
and use/abuse subs, simply because they can.

So it's not just humiliation. I've spoken to loads hurt subs.

A sub should be strong, and full selfasteem, before one
can go this far as Humiliation.
~*~
malloves69

Merry Xmas
and a

Loving 2009

for you laddie.

GoddezzT`


_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to MrDevlin)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/25/2008 4:18:03 PM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		  Yes, I'm sure there are.  The key is the "out of anger" part.  If he's aware she isn't into it and persists because that's just the way he gets off, that's one thing, but if he persists, knowing she's not into it because he just hates women, he has a serious problem and she's in danger.  I'm just saying it strikes me as a warning sign.

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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/26/2008 12:24:42 AM   
Trampledblue


Posts: 13
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline 		Interesting thread.

I really don't understand it myself and I love to experience it with the right woman, in the right situation.  I do believe it has to do with insecurities and reinforcement of negative thoughts about one's self.  It is a release, I think in some ways it is therapeutic, a lot of BDSM is for me.  It is an outlet. 

In the wrong situation it is insulting and just pisses me off.  The small penis or body pokes don't do much for me though.

(in reply to MrDevlin)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/26/2008 2:11:14 AM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: iwearpanties
its intresting how one subs love and likes or craveing can be another subs worst nitemare ?


Absolutely true. I often say "We huminz is very complicated creatures."

Our backgrounds, past experiences, and current fantasies all steer us in what seems to be very different directions with regard to our yummy-buttons... But I think that's a positive thing overall. Its one more way in which we are all unique.


_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/26/2008 9:27:43 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		Other posters have mentioned that it is a form of psychological masochism, which puts it very well. We are working on humiliation play in my household, and I have to say it's really fun and even satisfying. I DON'T like the idea of body put downs (I agree with other posters, most women, myself included, would find mocking or demeaning statements about my own body less sexy and more truly damaging), but the forms of humiliation we've been playing with are all about pushing my comfort levels. Despite being kinky, I'm actually surprisingly modest about nudity, so pushing that limit of being made to strip in front of playmates is good, or having my anal training discussed with playmates - that sort of thing.

I think what I get out of it is being able to let go - it's pretty easy for a submissive to let go of her body, to completely give her/himself over to their top. What humiliation does is loosen up the mind, and it allows me to start letting go of whatever mental control I have during a scene. It's also a form of true trust for me - the idea that I would be willing to let this person humilate me up to whatever point, when in my regular life, I don't really take crap from anyone. It says "I love you enough to let you really push me."

I, too, have lived in relationships where there was plenty of non-consentual verbal and even physical abuse - but I can honestly say NOW, with years between those relationships and the one I am in now - that they are not the same. For me to be able to let go of the control in a POSITIVE, CONSENTUAL, and LOVING manner does more to heal the wounds of the past than I can say. Alot of BDSM'rs who are survivors of abuse often speak about how being able to experience similar things in a truly positive manner heals them - this also goes for the verbal and mental part of BDSM.

For a long time, I could only give up my body to my husband. Now we're working on me giving him my mind - that's a huge thing and it is bueatiful. I hope this helps in some way.

< Message edited by T1981 -- 12/26/2008 9:35:56 AM >

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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/27/2008 2:01:46 AM   
iwearpanties


Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		im no expert here but i have noticed more male submissives are willing and well seeking to have and try and go thru humiliation more so then a females submissve?

(in reply to T1981)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/27/2008 2:46:45 AM   
idroolchicksrule


Posts: 64
Joined: 4/6/2007
Status: offline 		what I like best about it is that I don't understand it. I think if i did i would not find it was hot as i do.
just my 2 cents.
its not like I have a phd or anything.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/27/2008 3:12:45 AM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: idroolchicksrule

what I like best about it is that I don't understand it. I think if i did i would not find it was hot as i do.
just my 2 cents.
its not like I have a phd or anything.

Well that's good to hear do what you love doing hon!

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`


_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to idroolchicksrule)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/27/2008 1:43:58 PM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WomantoDomu

After a year of a D/s relationship with my sub, I have learned that he craves and needs humiliation, (along with mild/moderate pain) I want to learn all I can about humiliation so we can grow in this area.  I must say sub longing to be humiliated intrigues me and can be fun, but I really don't get it.  Can someone please help me to understand how verbal humiliation feels good, tell me how being degraged is craved, what does it really do for the person who needs it.  Is it more sexually arousing or mentally.  I would appreciate different views about humiliation.  Sure I could ask the same question about queening or cbt, but I can relate to what the sub is getting.  I cannot get an understanding on how one can feel good through humiliation.  HELP


i don't know if anyone here can help you understand your submissive. i'd recommend having this discussion with him/her. i can't say that i particularly enjoy humiliation. i accept it because He enjoys humiliating me in some ways that are not detrimental to my emotional and mental well-being. What i do enjoy is knowing that He uses it at times because it arouses Him, and at other times to reinforce my submission to Him. i think humiliation is a tricky area and it is a Dominant's responsibility to know their sub well enough to use humiliation in a manner that isn't damaging to the sub. So, back to your sub. i don't know that he'll/she'll be able to explain why they enjoy humiliation, but i think they will be able to communicate what would really be hurtful for them and what makes them hot.
 
i'm not a believer that the Dominant is a better person than the sub/slave or superior in any manner as an individual. i think each person is equally valuable. Worshipping my Master is a conscious choice. Obeying Him is a conscious choice. Wanting and needing to serve Him is not totally conscious. i carry that need into all of my life and into all of my relationships to some degree. It's just the way i function. But agreeing to adhere to specific rules of behavior, be obedient to His commands and wishes, being held accountable and accepting discipline and punishment are all conscious choices. So for me, there is no level of superiority. It is an agreement to live in a manner that is mutually rewarding and fulfilling. i am not His equal, but i am equal in value.

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You can tell who someone really is by how they act

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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/28/2008 1:52:28 AM   
BondageBarbieX


Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry,I can't help you.Humiliation,degradation and verbal abuse are hard limits for me.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/28/2008 5:00:54 AM   
iwearpanties


Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		and i would have thoguth more would seek humiliation then less do as shown here

(in reply to BondageBarbieX)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 12/29/2008 9:19:44 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		It's not so much that I seek it....although I suppose in a way, I do. I just know that for me, every time I can take a humiliation and move through it, it breaks down yet another part of the wall of control for me. It's not so much an end as it is a means, if that makes any sense.

(in reply to iwearpanties)
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RE: Understanding Humiliation - 1/4/2009 7:40:39 AM   
JonieDoesU


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		I need and crave humiliation both physically and especially mentally, I just want to feel my submission totally.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 1/5/2009 8:08:06 AM   
WalterRego


Posts: 276
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: T1981

It's not so much that I seek it....although I suppose in a way, I do. I just know that for me, every time I can take a humiliation and move through it, it breaks down yet another part of the wall of control for me. It's not so much an end as it is a means, if that makes any sense.


That's beginning to make a lot of sense to me.

I used to think humiliation was only "certain" defined  things which were "hot" for me. And some of those still are. But I hadn't realized before that many other things can be that too. And they may not be "hot" but do break down the carefully maintained walls of (self) control or reserve, and open me up more. Make me more accepting of submission. When my Mistress last week made me tell Her (while doing it) that it felt good and i liked being taken anally, it was... embarrassing , leading me and drawing me out to say something i felt but wouldn't have otherwise said or admitted. Just being asked and made to respond broke down a wall of reserve and privacy. I had to expose myself, despite the embarrassment.

The next day She did something i would never have thought of as "humiliation". When i go to the bathroom, i always close the door and sit there myself. But his time, She wouldn't let me. She came in and wouldn't leave. She just sat on the tub the whole time. I asked, squirmed, begged for Her to leave, but she didn't. It was excruciating and embarrassing and humiliating for me to have her there. To potentially expose myself to Her at that awkward embarrassing time. The potential sounds and smells that are so private. And then She wouldn't leave even when i was done and began to clean myself (i find this difficult to even use the words i use to myself).

And yet i realized that - intentionally or not - by doing those things She had taken control in a very unexpected way and also showed me that i had to accept that i was Hers in all parts of me and could not hide what i didn't want her to know. That if i tried, she would not let it happen. 

It's funny, I was not tied up or subject to pain or anything else and yet it made me feel like a child, a stripped prisoner and several other things all at once. She just simply took control of the situation. And used the embarrassment and humiliation of the situation to break down more walls and make me accept Her control.

(in reply to T1981)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 1/5/2009 9:39:44 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I sooooo get that, Walter! Absolutely! For me, some of the most effective humiliations aren't nesscarily sexual (they can be, in nature, but not always).

Last night I was told to stand straight, arms at the side, while my husband cut off my clothes. This in and of itself isn't that hard for me, BUT, he told me to keep my hands at my side. I like to keep my hands behind my back, I can fidget my fingers that way - but with my hands at my side, he could see and control the reaction I was giving him. There was no physical bondage involved, just mental, and by giving him that, the control I had of my own reaction gave way to the control HE had. Not even being allowed to fidget (and for me, this is hard) was, oddly enough, humiliating.

The most sexual humiliation I've had yet was also about breaking down a wall of control - I'm not too shy about going topless on camera for my playmates, but bottomless is a whole different story. Very modest about that. A few weeks ago, our playmates requested that the camera be focused on my pussy - veeerrrryyyy humiliating for me, especially considering the shyness. At first it was almost unbearable with how embarressed I was, but as time went on, I felt myself letting go of the control of my body and how others will see it.

And there will be more - and I'm looking forward to it. The difficulty is challenging and fun, and it's a really effective way for me to move past my own control issues (which I still have lots of). It's fairly easy to physically overpower me, but if you can overpower my MIND, then you have me. That's what we're working on lately, and humiliation is a good tactic for that.

It sounds like your Mistress really knows what pushes your buttons, that's so fabulous! It takes a good dominant to be able to do humiliation well, since so much of it is mental. I'm happy to hear about another submissive who feels the same way about humiliation as I do! (and the bathroom thing for me would be extremely difficult in front of people as well, that just goes against a lifetime of social conditioning - yeeeeeks!)


_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

(in reply to WalterRego)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 1/5/2009 10:07:07 AM   
dawnofpersephone


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline 		i like humilation to a point.  i like hearing the usual sweet pet names: slut, bitch, whore, cumdumpster but i have issues with words like pig or cow.  i do have body issues so i do not enjoy names that i associate with bad body image. 

It helps to ask first and i've had a Dom say, "Do you like it when i call you a little piggy?"  and i say, "NO!" i had a Dom say, "Well, i'm going to call you piggy" so then i've said, "that's a hard limit and if you can't respect it then i decline playing with you". i've only had 1 Dom have an issue and we did not play.  His loss not mine :-D

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Understanding Humiliation - 1/5/2009 10:17:36 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		That's understandable, Persephone, and it's good that you realize that. Animal names used as humiliation tools for me probably wouldn't bother me so much as perplex me, since for me or my husband, they don't really do anything - good or bad.

But I am terribly insecure about the size of my breasts and my teeth (I've got buck teeth and a chipped front tooth) so if anyone were to ever, ever EVER make a crack about any of those, I'd safeword it so fast that their head would spin. Fears are good to play on for me - actual body insecurities - no way.

For me, proper humiliation play is about breaking down walls and comfort levels - NOT breaking me.

< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/5/2009 10:18:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Nothing is pointless, every single thing you do resonates." -Pintsize

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Profile   Post #: 40
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