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Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave's su... - 12/4/2008 10:49:38 AM

frenchbitchchris

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline

____________ I put this under the wrong section of the forum so there will be a cross post elsewhere_______________

a slave friend of mine is in an excruciating situation that is painful to watch her go through. i want the world for her but her relationship is dragging her down.

her Master is a very angry person. in fact, i dont consider him a Master anymore. i consider him a kinky vanilla. she needs someone to set up structure/rules and discipline her when she doesn't obey in order for her to know that she is being cared for and that there is some consistancy in her life. stability is big with her. if you ask her what she wants in life, stability would be her answer.

my problem with this man is that he doesn't have set rules and yells at her whenever she does something wrong instead of disciplines her. she then calls me and cries for an hour until i can calm her down enough and convince her she isn't a bad slave. i know she is a good girl because she has been my submissive before... it is the Dominant that makes a submissive/slave.

The most messed up part about all of this is that they aren't having sex and he yells at her for not f_cking him but then when she anniciates sex, she gets rejected. Now, she doesn't even want to try.. she says sex complicates things although she thinks about it a lot... What kind of sick bastard does that?

The obvious solution is to leave but the problem is.. she has a kid and nowhere to go or anyway to support her kid if she leaves him. Dilemma...

i asked Master if she could stay with us and has told her that she can but she is having a hard time stomaching leaving her Master. Damn loyalty! he has done nothing for her but make her miserable yet she is emotionally stuck with him... i need a spatula. lol but then.. she says she wants to leave him.

what do i tell someone like that? i am having a hard time with this especially since i care about her a lot.

--french bitch

< Message edited by frenchbitchchris -- 12/4/2008 10:51:17 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 10:55:20 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

She has to make the decision herself. You can only offer her support and not make the decision or her. Be her friend regardless her decision in the now and do not pressure her into leaving. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming the thing she will need to blame. And she will need to lay blame at some point - it is a part of the healing.

If you are a good friend, put aside your desires and let her go through hers.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 2

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 11:11:43 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

if you ask her what she wants in life, stability would be her answer.

Maybe she should work on some thing on her own, without depending on a Master to provide everything.

And

Some of my favorite people are kinky vanillas, I like that flavor.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 3

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 11:14:06 AM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

My best friend is going through something similar, minus the D/s aspect. Her husband has managed to run their finances in the ground and make her feel like a worthless piece of crap because he's an alcoholic who's favorite line is "You're the only one who thinks I have a drinking problem." She is very, VERY slowly working her way towards a divorce, but it's taken three years for her to get here. It's excruciating to watch someone you care for go through this kind of pain, and if you're anything like me, extremely difficult not to inflict equal pain on the one doing the hurting. I finally got to the point with her where I told her flat out that I loved her, but she was being ridiculous. She was the one who kept saying the relationship couldn't be saved no matter what and that he was slowly killing her, and I wasn't going to sit by and watch her help him do that. If she wanted something to change, she was going to have to change it, and I'd help her any way that I could, but I was no longer interested in hearing anything about him, what he wanted, what he thought, or what he was planning to do, because I didn't give a rat's rear-end. She was my priority and my concern.

Needless to say that didn't go over real well....but, it also helped her to realize several days later when she finally cooled off, that she was no longer physically attracted to her husband. And that even if he checked himself into rehab and did everything perfectly and changed exactly how she needed him to....she wasn't going to be able to fix the fact that she didn't want him to touch her. She made an appointment with a lawyer the next day. FINALLY!

It's important to be supportive, but I think it's equally important to make sure your friend sees the reality of the situation...it's just tough to do that and be kind and loving at the same time.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 4

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 11:24:28 AM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

Yes, it sounds like they sure aren't working!

i have to be honest here... i was in a relationship for a year and it was bad. Everyday i would call my friends upset, hoping to find someone who would understand or listen to my justifications, they would always tell me to leave, leave, leave.

For whatever reason i couldn't go, i had too much riding on it, i was too comfortable... whatever reason i justifide in my head. Finally, my best friend, then and now, received my phone call and this time he said 'are you ok?' and 'you know what you need to do' and that was it. Eventually, everyone in my circle of friends started to do the same thing. May i say, it's easier to justify things when i say them and hear them and it is harder when its just be in my own thoughts... no one was saying leave him, or anything like that anymore it was just a matter of saying it was up to me. That made me realize i needed to take the next step.

One of my other friends pushed me to move out and get an apartment with him, he took me apartment shopping, we made arrangements and i was out. So your idea about giving her the option to move in is a good one, expecially if she is comfortable with both of you. If you live far away from her work and other life you might want to take the option of taking her apartment shopping. Make it fun and she will have someone supporting this move out. help her set up arrangments... so i think you're doing the right thing. its just a matter of her realizing what she needs to do.

good luck to her =)

< Message edited by sexisubi -- 12/4/2008 11:30:55 AM >

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 5

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 11:35:23 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

my problem with this man is that he doesn't have set rules and yells at her whenever she does something wrong instead of disciplines her. she then calls me and cries for an hour until i can calm her down enough and convince her she isn't a bad slave. i know she is a good girl because she has been my submissive before... it is the Dominant that makes a submissive/slave.

Your problem is you're stepping into someone else's dynamic, and are then amazed that the dynamic is all screwed up.

If you want the woman, make a play for her. Otherwise park your happy behind on the sidelines where it belongs.

_____________________________

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 6

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 11:51:08 AM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I was in the same situation. My advice would be for her to go to the battered women's shelter. They will provide a temporary place for her to stay and assistance finding housing and a job. Getting her to do it is a different matter.

I still have PTSD from it over 10 years later and bawl for days when anyone I care about yells at me. But other than that I am pretty much ok.

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 7

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:09:14 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frenchbitchchris

she needs someone to set up structure/rules and discipline her when she doesn't obey in order for her to know that she is being cared for and that there is some consistancy in her life. stability is big with her. if you ask her what she wants in life, stability would be her answer. ...

i am having a hard time with this especially since i care about her a lot.

--french bitch

I have no doubts that you care about her a great deal and that this is very difficult for you but how is it that you are certain you know what she needs?
And if she is telling you that she needs stability... why is she not able to seek it out for herself?

Perhaps you could help her find a therapist to sort things out?
http://ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 8

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:16:57 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Perhaps you could help her find a therapist to sort things out?
http://ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75

do you think a therapist is going to help someone who is possibly in a relationship for just comfort?

i am not sure a therapist is really 'sound advice'? i mean thearopy is a highly expensive process, and it doesn't sound like shes married... i guess the idea could be thrown out there... but usually if the couple isn't married and tight on funds not the best solution. Cause you're talking about a sex therapist not an actual one right?

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 9

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:24:17 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Actually, I was talking about a "real" therapist...
(from the Kink Aware Professionals site)

Sometimes you can find someone who is willing to work on a sliding scale basis.

It has been my experience that therapy can help some people make better choices regarding getting their needs and wants met.

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 10

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:29:49 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

She doesn't need a sex therapist. What's wrong with her sex life is the idiot in it. She needs a real one who can help her see her situation and formulate changes. In the meantime she can go to an ACOA meeting for the cost of a dollar a meeting.

What I would tell her? "Here's the number of a therapist with experience in abused women. Here's a list of places and times of ACOA meetings. Here's the number of the local shelter. Here's the want ads. Now that you have all these resources, take advantage of them". Hard nosed, I know, but I'm not real big on enabling.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 11

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:52:50 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She doesn't need a sex therapist. What's wrong with her sex life is the idiot in it. She needs a real one who can help her see her situation and formulate changes. In the meantime she can go to an ACOA meeting for the cost of a dollar a meeting.

What I would tell her? "Here's the number of a therapist with experience in abused women. Here's a list of places and times of ACOA meetings. Here's the number of the local shelter. Here's the want ads. Now that you have all these resources, take advantage of them". Hard nosed, I know, but I'm not real big on enabling.

the shelter... what shelters do is they take you away in a van and your stuff and everything you once had is gone(you get to bring one bag of essentials).. shes getting yelled at not hit, not being told shes going to die if she leaves... she has the door as an option. Shelters are last resorts, they are to protect you which is why they dont let you bring anything in, they only want the ones that dont have another option. she doesnt need a therapist as you said.... she needs to get real and get real sex.

the ACOA? adult children of alcholics? Not sure if we have enough info to determine that...

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:57:56 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

That's not my experience with shelters at all. I did not have any restrictions on what I could bring in. I did lose a lot of what I once owned because he kept it and wouldn't let me have it back, but it is just stuff, believe me.

Emotional abuse is still abuse and can be more crippling than physical abuse. Believe me, I know. IMHO worrying about her sex life is the last thing she needs to do, it took me a long time before I was ready to even consider allowing another man back into my life.

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 13

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 12:58:31 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Actually, I was talking about a "real" therapist...
(from the Kink Aware Professionals site)

Sometimes you can find someone who is willing to work on a sliding scale basis.

It has been my experience that therapy can help some people make better choices regarding getting their needs and wants met.

oh well thats a cool program i have never heard of it.. i actually dont know if she needs that-- i have been to them and they dont work... nor do they help me make better choices... it's all a learning process. Then again some people are able to pull themselves up when the chips are down and realize the choices they need to make while some are not. i am not one to bash therapy in any way, for some it is very helpful!

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 14

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 1:06:48 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: moonvine

That's not my experience with shelters at all. I did not have any restrictions on what I could bring in. I did lose a lot of what I once owned because he kept it and wouldn't let me have it back, but it is just stuff, believe me.

Emotional abuse is still abuse and can be more crippling than physical abuse. Believe me, I know. IMHO worrying about her sex life is the last thing she needs to do, it took me a long time before I was ready to even consider allowing another man back into my life.

When i was in AZ, the shelter there told me to bring one bag, and as you said you didnt ever get the things you left behind. i was in an abusive physical situation, he did not threaten my life... i packed up my things and i left. He did not know where i went... and when he came home to find me and several people packing up my things there was really nothing he could do!

Shelters are hard, and if you have another way i would suggest taking that option before using the option of losing what you have... yes it is just stuff... but she's not mustering the curage to leave now, so giving her the option to a shelter when you could go to a place with friends?

i am not denying the fact that verbal abuse is hard and shitty. however this girl has options and picking the hardest ones is a bit much in this scenerio in my opinion. i'm pretty sure, without ever meeting her, if she called them and told them what was going on they would tell her what she should do and they would pick her up and she would say no. pretty sure not a hundred percent... however it is her choice! so if the OT told her she could take that step if she perceves it to be 'that bad.' however i think its importent for her to realize that she has options, and if a friend is willing to help her move her stuff give her a place to stay and everything else that would be a better one.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to moonvine)

Post #: 15

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 1:34:29 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You cannot do this for her. She has to figure out that the reason she's staying is that somewhere inside she doesn't REALLY feel she's worth more. Neither can you force him to change. Each person in the relationships is responsible for their own actions and reactions. Until they decide to modify one or both of those, things will continue as they are.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 16

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 1:54:30 PM

SageFemmexx

Posts: 240
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline

Not all therapists are expensive. I used the local university's psych clinic and they charged me $10 a visit. I saw grad students--sympathetic and openminded ones who did me a hellava lot of good.

Kink Aware Professionals are a good way to go but they are few and far between. I really wish more counselors would go this route so more abused submissives knew where to go for help.

Your friend is using you to vent--laying her problems on you and then going back into the situation. This makes it really hard when you are watching from the outside because she is the one that has to make the changes in order to better her situation. This can take YEARS and can take quite a toil out on you. Take a deep breath, don't get so emotionally invested because she is dumping her stress on you. Be there for support but keep encouraging her to find a professional counselor because honestly it really isn't your job to be her therapist.

Sage.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 17

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 2:35:47 PM

sweetNsassyPGH

Posts: 12
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She doesn't need a sex therapist. What's wrong with her sex life is the idiot in it. She needs a real one who can help her see her situation and formulate changes. In the meantime she can go to an ACOA meeting for the cost of a dollar a meeting.

What I would tell her? "Here's the number of a therapist with experience in abused women. Here's a list of places and times of ACOA meetings. Here's the number of the local shelter. Here's the want ads. Now that you have all these resources, take advantage of them". Hard nosed, I know, but I'm not real big on enabling.

the shelter... what shelters do is they take you away in a van and your stuff and everything you once had is gone(you get to bring one bag of essentials).. shes getting yelled at not hit, not being told shes going to die if she leaves... she has the door as an option. Shelters are last resorts, they are to protect you which is why they dont let you bring anything in, they only want the ones that dont have another option. she doesnt need a therapist as you said.... she needs to get real and get real sex.

the ACOA? adult children of alcholics? Not sure if we have enough info to determine that...

There are different kinds of shelters... and most have out patient counseling and resources. That way women can get some support as they slowly make the move away from the abusive situation. And as others have mentioned, abuse isnt just about being hit... It includes verbal, mental, and emotional attacts and mistreatment.

There are also church based programs to help with counseling and getting access to various community resources. No one has to mention the kind of relationship, if the program or counselor is not kink friendly. Any help is better than NO help, and better than just staying in a situation that makes anyone feel sad, hopeless, depressed, worthless, trapped, etc.

There are alot of suppport groups for people who are co-dependent and unable to move forward or change their relationships... Those groups, like 12 step groups, are free, and just ask for a donation if possible, like the ACOA group mentioned.

Just my 2 cents...

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 18

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 2:57:16 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

She has a place to go..she's been offered an option..if she's *stuck* , only she can *unstick* herself.

You've offered anything a nice chap can........methinks it's up to her.

agirl

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 19

RE: Over Angry Master's and how it effects their slave'... - 12/4/2008 2:58:30 PM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

before we start to look and get off topic... remember the scenario... yes all of these programs offer wonderful things for many people. yes all of these programs can be helpful suggestions... but telling a person to go to a shelter for verbal abuse and leave everything they have behind is a big step. maybe contact them for places to go for professional/12 step/ therapy programs fine... but to be taken in a van to a not so holiday in place when your friend is offering you a place to stay, or you have people that will help you get into an apartment?

i will let you be the judges from now on.. this most likely will be my last comment here since i do hate repeating myself.. which seems to the the case when i get into conversations like this and i am only here for insight and to share thoughts.

as i stated in my last post,

quote:

i am not denying the fact that verbal abuse is hard and shitty. however this girl has options and picking the hardest ones is a bit much in this scenerio in my opinion. i'm pretty sure, without ever meeting her, if she called them and told them what was going on they would tell her what she should do and they would pick her up and she would say no. pretty sure not a hundred percent... however it is her choice! so if the OT told her she could take that step if she perceves it to be 'that bad.' however i think its importent for her to realize that she has options, and if a friend is willing to help her move her stuff give her a place to stay and everything else that would be a better one.

also before we get onto the therapy thing... as i responded to angelikaJ this is something new and sounds like a great program.

perhaps this girl does have major issues! maybe she does need conciling...

but to me for this scenario i am not sure how we can base that information on what is given. it sounds like to me she has the 'i dont want to be alone anymore' issue so shes trying to make it work.

and as i stated before some people can work these things out on their own other need a professional to help guide and direct them so it's all about what she wants to do and her personallity type... not really for me to judge. wheni heard the therapy thing you can tell in my last comment it was more a question on what kind of therapy was being suggested. Cause couple conceling/sex therapy and everything else for a 'relationship' not marriage in my eyes is a waist unless its like a 7 to 10 year relationship and you dont wantto ever be married and that is like your marriage bond ... but that is a different thread.

Anyway this all seems to be getting off topic of the thread. so ill shush and let it carry on. as goes the boards we are all entitled to our own opinions and if one thinks that shelter for this is the best so be it and if one doesnt so be it.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)

Post #: 20

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