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SusanofO -> RE: What is a Lifestyle friendship for you? (12/26/2005 9:10:38 PM)
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This is an excellent topic. I think friendship is a process that takes time, and am so glad you brought this up. I appreciate the opportunity to toss out some general remarks.
I am learning more and more all the time, about this life, (and want to - that's why I read these boards; it is giving me more and more encouragement because I see so many bright, humorous and inventive people).
Many intelligent remarks I see tossed out here and there on the boards.
I watch people, (when I have time).I guess I don't need to explain the following here, but it's relevant to the topic (I think). Other people may have similar feelings even if they are in different circumstances than I am. If they can identify on some level and find some paradigm in their own situation somehow, it might be of value (if not skip over it, and - I think I am going to start using my online journal because I think it can really cue someone in on where someone else is "at". Somebody might like it, or hate it, or find it valuable in some way.
In the past two days, I reflected on:"What I Learned My First Week On These Boards".
A lot of it was wonderful, and was 90% rewarding. I have an intense interest in this life and it is Not going away (I already know that. How do I know? I did some self-examination over the past few years and asked myself just that question.
I cried about all this last night (and some may find that strange, but I do realize the implications of being here, and what it might eventually entail, and bridging the gap between where I am at now and what I want to do is Not a decision I take lightly.
I've decided. I made a decision, and am contemplating as deeply as I know how right now, what that may entail eventually. I look forward to it, and plan to have as little "baggage" as possible when I leave, but got nostaligic for yesteryear yesterday. We have a shared history with a lot of good memories. Dammitt, this is Hard. I am taking care of someone who is dying. I care about their peace of mind. I care about mine, too.
That is why I am taking things at my own pace. I am here for conversation.
To clarify in general (for me as much as anyone else. If reading it is annoying, just skip it. I am not looking for sympathy, and the following is not meant for anyone on this thread.I just need to get this Out):
I am NOT GOING TO LEAVE until they are gone.
I am their not going to have cyber-sex with someone I just met online.
I am not sending naked pictures.
I might go to a munch with someone, but I will not be "clubbing".
I will not pay for a plane ticket to fly out to meet you.
I am not going to discuss my finances, with someone I don't know (I have banker, and am comfortable enough (for me). I have antennae for the possibility that there are people out there, who may think I may be funding their new vacation home, etc. soon with insurance proceeds. To one person in particular: Thanks for the initiation. Please - Do not insinuate I should "drop my defenses" lower than you (mistakenly) assume they already are if I refuse to comply with this request. Three words: Not Gonna Happpen.
Yes, Maybe I should get a pic. I can assure you it will not be this week. I can assure you I am not Godzilla. Picture Teri Hatcher on the sitcom "Desperate Housewives" (with slightly shorter hair and green eyes. and 10 pounds heavier).
I am not jaded, but am not completely emotionally defenseless, either. I also have three immediate relatives who are attorneys. Consider the implications of this paragraph for yourself (whatever they might be) if you waste your time on me.
I would happily go live in a cave with no running water with the right person. I really would. I do Not need your money, either. Stating this here does not make me "closed-minded". Nuff said. End of Rant part of my post.
If this "dis-qualifies" me as anyone's friend, that's okay and I am not judging their life or how they live it. I am telling them what I will and will not do. For now.
I am putting this in my profile as soon as I have the chance to re-write it (which will not be this week for certain).
My time is limited. Reading these boards is one of the ways I can think of to get to know people better before becoming enmeshed in a relationship I may not have time for for 1-2 years. I am trying to save my time and theirs. Yet I am intrigued by the way many people think. It's what keeps me reading these boards. I am very interested in this life-style and learn a lot by reading these boards.
I am highly cognizant of the fact there is a real live living breathing human being on the other side of the screen, with their own set of circumstances, most of which I know nothing about except what I can surmise by reading a profile or what they write here on the boards. I realize this works both ways.
It's the "slice of life" people never see, to which the OP referred last week in the "Fork in the River" thread when people "see" eachother online that might either make you do cartwheels of happiness if you met them in real-life, or could really set you up for potential trouble. They may have an intriguing profile (or one that says not much; I really appreciate some of the extensively well-thought out profiles I've read. It is inspiring, and gives as much of a complete picture of some as they can probably convey). I almost always read them and try to answer all my -
Mail. mail. What to say about mail. This week, that probably isn't going to happen, and I am going to have to do a bulk mail explaining why. It bugs me to have to do it, but I have to do it. I cannot answer everyone (some people don't even bother to explain whether or why they do or do not, but now that I've received some, I understand what I've heard people say about getting some and I don't want to be perceived as rude, but I have to find a solution to this and that's mine.
Sometimes something someone says gets me to stop and think more about a particular topic (which gets me to read further on it somewhere else or look up a resource on the net for a book or a website).
I am a friendly person and can consider someone's advice valuable and something to ponder further, whether I know them well or not. I am pretty observant (when I have time to read these message boards). Not that anyone's waiting with baited breath, but hopefully if I disappear for days at a time, people will understand. I have other things I am dealing with now.
I agree with what the OP says about perhaps respecting someone's thoughts and opinions, but would consider these folks as acquaintances only. A friend isn't necessarily someone who has to have been in my home to be a valuable connection in my life, necessarily. I tend to give other people the benefit of any doubt (if I have one) about about their character and consider myself open-minded and have to have had a pretty lousy experience with them on a personal level to write someone off (but think slight paranoia can be a useful personality trait indeed).
A "Life-style" friend (to me) is no different than a Vanilla friend (except they are engaged in bdsm activity, to whatever degree "works" for them, and I make no judgment about any of that, it's eveyone's own business what they want to do and I am still defining what that is for me, and will continue to do that).
I have had most of the same vanilla friends for years; I am helping plan a New Year's Eve party with one of them this week. Little things don't bug me that much about people (they said they'd call me at 2 and called at 2:05! Or even 4:00pm..I am patient with people, but appreciate a basic sense of ettiquette, which I think boils down to mostly "do unto others"... I know I think the saying: To Have A Friend Be One, is true. I don't have to have completely common interests with someone up front. I know this week for me is going to be really busy, I am hoping I can stay connected here somehow on the boards.
I think some people's interests have led to me developing new ones and vice-versa; it can be a flow back and forth, and sometimes it's worked that way (in music for sure; art I developed completely on my own).
A man (and also a woman) I consider wise I know said once that if a person goes through life with one good and true friend they can consider themselves blessed. Lest that sound like it is coming from some jaded place (it's not) it is reality I think. - There's that Lily Tomlin quote: "We are all alone in this together" - and I really think that's true of life, but not in a bad or lonely way.
I tend to be a little more "private" as a person, and think there is nothing wrong with keeping one's world small, although I could talk to a tree, (so to speak), and do that, I think true friends are people who will be there for you when the chips are down, and will be strong enough to be happy for you when something good happens to you that might not be happening for themselves. I try to respond in kind. They listen to you, and you to them, but you each have your own opinions, and they think that's just fine. I make an effort to "get" them, and they me, and thus a connection may form. I may not have seen someone for years, and yet when we see eachother, if we we somehow pick up where we left off, it's really something I appreciate. I say Wow, then.
Lest the Lily Tomlin quote be taken as jaded, I think it might be true - and it's not a horrible thought, just reality. I think we ARE all in this "boat" together - alone, (but helping eachother to row). - Susan
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