Question of etiquette (Full Version)

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bloodredrose -> Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 4:41:48 PM)

I would respectfully ask the opinion of the Doms/Masters on the following situation...i have been talking with a Dom on this service,who initially seemed very polite and understanding...then just a few minutes ago i happened to mention during an online chat that the best friend i stay with when i visit the US was also a submissive,and immediately i received the response that if i became 'his' we would be inviting her over for "dinner".This is by no means the first time that Doms i have spoken to have assumed that she and i play together because we are both submissive,but this was the first 'gentleman' i have met through collarme who came out with the assumption. Do all Doms/Masters assume things like this,or have i just been unlucky?It just strikes me as both presumptuous and rude!
Respectfully

bloodredrose.



petwolf22 -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 4:46:05 PM)

why not just tell him that the assumption is incorrect? if he won't let the issue go, then it might be time to worry more.



bloodredrose -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 4:49:03 PM)

i suppose you're right...it's just that i don't automatically assume things about people,whether it be in the lifestyle or outside it,and i just find it slightly irritating.*sigh*



ehlovindom -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 4:50:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose

Do all Doms/Masters assume things like this,or have i just been unlucky?It just strikes me as both presumptuous and rude!
Respectfully

bloodredrose.


The simple answer is NO. The old saying goes, if you assume, it only makes an ASS of U and ME. Well if the flogger (cane, paddle, cuffs, etc.) fits. I honestly can't say whether you have been unlucky or not but it was entirely presumptuous on his part. Better to eat alone than to have to share your meals with this dom.



JohnWarren -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 4:59:11 PM)

Just a laugh and the comment "It's nice to have fantasies" would be the response of most of the submissives I know.



petwolf22 -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 5:07:40 PM)

i know a lot of people that sometimes make assumptions...if its a situation easily corrected, then don't necessarily assume this one comment makes them a bad appple. look at everything they do.



fastlane -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 5:12:12 PM)

I find the whole concept appaling....two girls... one guy.....jessh....what's next? Animals?
Tell him to fuck off and if you want kink,to search on [email protected]'ll teach the pervert.
As for me....well, we can have dinner together...right?
Just dinner.....drinks are on me!



Kinkypupper -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 5:48:33 PM)

It is infact presumptuous and rude.



gretchen -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 6:08:20 PM)

Stephan (Voltare) here:

bloodredrose,

Obviously without seeing the transcripts or knowing the kind of person you or he happen to be, we have to make a few assumptions about the context - especially that he is suggesting that by 'dinner' he actually means 'dessert.' With that in mind, we are also assuming he wasn't kidding (was he? Your tone of voice, from my perspective doesn't make it seem so clear, personally.) To boot, we're also assuming that you have already made it clear to him that you aren't interested in group sex of any kind (are you?)

I will admit, my answer is a bit confusing - that is exactly the problem. To make it clearer, read this (fictional) chat script.

SupperDomMaster: I would love to invite you out for dinner tonight! Can I pick you up at 8pm?

SweetCheriSlave: That sounds lovely! I could bring dessert.

SupperDomMaster: I would be delighted! See you soon.

Now, read what the typist was really thinking....

SupperDomMaster: I would love to invite you out for dinner tonight! Can I pick you up at 8pm? (since my wife called and said she was going to be working a double shift)

SweetCheriSlave: That sounds lovely! I could bring dessert. (And a taser, you lying-cheating-son-of-a-bitch)

SupperDomMaster: I would be delighted! See you soon. (Damn, I need to buy condoms, too... I hope she left the credit card in her purse in the closet.)

Obviously what we think, say, and mean online aren't always clear.

I will make a quick warning, too, though about people in general that you meet from chat rooms, websites, etc online. Many people (not just men) have fantasies of group sex, threesomes, etc (amongst literally thousands of different kinks.) Unlike real life, online dating services allow men and women to literally 'interview' thousands of potential dates in a day. Men are especially likely to apply certain criteria on potential matches online, and especially in a kink friendly environment bisexuality and openness to group sex, swinging, etc become one of those criteria. A man's casual remark about how your 'friend' should be invited for 'dinner? (and dessert) can actually be a tactful way of asking 'so how would you feel if we were in a romantic relationship, and I suggested we have a threesome. A woman who laughs and says she'll bring a spoon and the whipped cream would probably be seen as more attractive to such a man then a woman who says 'that's fine, you can have your dessert and I'll get the house after the divorce.' Unfortunately, it also implies for the woman that her acceptance as a potential slave is wholly dependent on her willingness to engage in extracurricular sex, and can place quite a bit of undesired pressure for such activities.

Bottom line, in a kink friendly site, it's a whole lot better to be clear on your profile about your feelings regarding kinks that you enjoy, and kinks that you don't tolerate. If it says in big shiny neon letters that threesomes & moresomes are up there with root canals, then you might save yourself such a breach of etiquette.

Best of luck,

Stephan (& gretchen)



bloodredrose -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 6:28:42 PM)

Sir - thank You for this detailed and helpful response,the contents of which i shall certainly take to heart. The 'gentleman' was definitely speaking in a sexual context here, and considering that he claimed to want a Christian sub/wife,the change from neutral conversation to what he said when he found out that my best friend was a sub was a startlingly quick one. I have made it clear in my profile that I am looking for a sincere,long term relationship only, especially since i was deceived by someone i met this past summer...and although sex is certain to figure into the equation*laughs*i am trying to get to know the person behind the ad first - since i happen to believe that without mental closeness,any D/s scenario cannot possibly work. I had not been aware that i could check off a box that told prospective Doms i was not into 'multiples',but i shall make alterations once this reply has been posted.

Again,my warmest thanks to You for Your advice.



OscarHargraves -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 7:57:29 PM)

I think this situation might call for blunt honesty. Tell this guy upfront how you feel and why you're upset. Guage both what he says and how he says it before going on.

Good luck.



Noah -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 8:50:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose

i suppose you're right...it's just that i don't automatically assume things about people,whether it be in the lifestyle or outside it, and i just find it slightly irritating.*sigh*


I'd like to offer this in all candor if I may. It seems as though you were quick to assume something about this man, once he suggested inviting your friend to dinner.




bloodredrose -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/26/2005 9:55:30 PM)

That could be possible...although i am not sure how many different ways you can interpret the word "dinner" when it's delivered in inverted commas!



Voltare -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/29/2005 7:08:42 PM)

Noah,

Naturally, the question of misinterpretation always exists, especially online. Having said that, I tend to say that if something feels wrong, it probably is.

bloodredrose,

Thank you for the kind words. I'm terribly sorry you had to take your first of what will likely be many knocks online. The best thing to do, as someone has suggested, is to (like it or not) make some of your specific sexual interests (or rather, disinterests) clear on your profile, i.e. that you have no interest or intention of engaging in sex only relationships, cybersex, group sex, polyarmory, etc etc so as to discourage the type of Dominant who specifically expects such activities out of potential partner. To be fair, BDSM and Ds related lifestyles are, by their vary nature (in my opinion naturally), lacking in the specific sexual constraints that are generally found and expected in a typical social setting. Rather then being shocked by it, you can simply - as you mentioned - mark a couple checks, and include a few choice words in your profile to prevent misunderstandings. That way, if you are speaking with man you are interested in, and he happens to make a similar comment again... you won't have to worry so much about telling him where to go, and how to get there.

Best of luck,

Stephan (& gretchen)



Delvin -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/29/2005 7:53:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose

I would respectfully ask the opinion of the Doms/Masters on the following situation...i have been talking with a Dom on this service,who initially seemed very polite and understanding...then just a few minutes ago i happened to mention during an online chat that the best friend i stay with when i visit the US was also a submissive,and immediately i received the response that if i became 'his' we would be inviting her over for "dinner".This is by no means the first time that Doms i have spoken to have assumed that she and i play together because we are both submissive,but this was the first 'gentleman' i have met through collarme who came out with the assumption. Do all Doms/Masters assume things like this,or have i just been unlucky?It just strikes me as both presumptuous and rude!
Respectfully

bloodredrose.


Nope.

I have no idea on how your luck is.

D



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/31/2005 7:46:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose
i became 'his' we would be inviting her over for "dinner".


Perhaps there are misunderstandings on both ends. Perhaps when he talks about you becoming 'his', he means something much more like slavery then you do. Perhaps he is looking for a relationship where things like this are his choice, not yours. Perhaps you need to be more clear about the kind of relationship you are looking for, and let him find the kind of submissive/slave he wants and needs.

And maybe he meant something more than "dinner", but why would he? He sounds like a pretty normal dominant man demanding a rather common activity for someone who feels they actual own someone else.

Obviously, there is an "if" in your statement above..."if" you become 'his'. This is simply a test to see if you are compatible...doesn't look like it.

Taggard



bloodredrose -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/31/2005 2:48:12 PM)

You're right on all counts,Sir,and i thank You for Your response...i suppose my rational behind this post was to see whether i was the only girl who has been on the receiving end of an attitude like this.

Happy New Year...



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Question of etiquette (12/31/2005 5:18:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose
i suppose my rational behind this post was to see whether i was the only girl who has been on the receiving end of an attitude like this.


Did you seriously think you were? Rather naive, no?

I can hardly imagine you could have had any real experience with men (or popular pornography, even) and not come to understand how a man's mind could flit from "a slave" to "a slave and her former female playmate".

If you want a pity party where people gather around you and chime in on what an asshole he is for wanting to "live the dream", go for it. But to couch it in the form of an innocent question seems a bit disingenuous.

Taggard



OsideGirl -> RE: Question of etiquette (1/1/2006 9:38:21 AM)

Before my current dominant.....I had a girlfriend whom I played with. I was amazed at the number of Dominants who thought that if they had access to me, then they automatically had access to her. The fact that she hadn't consented to play with anyone other than me, just couldn't make its way into their brains. It's about consent and negotiation.



MHOO314 -> RE: Question of etiquette (1/1/2006 11:05:36 AM)

My response is simple--Bite Me ( no not you fastlane)

no "gentleman" should be so presumptuous--but a wanker will be



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