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stella41b -> RE: people fixers (12/6/2008 5:03:52 PM)
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The desire to fix someone is to me nothing more than perfectionism dressed up as caring, compassion and kindness. It is a paradox, a psychological and emotional oxymoron, at best misplaced kindness, at worst delusional.
A considerable number of those confined in institutions for their own good or serving lengthy prison sentences also believe they can fix people. Some of them walk among and interact with those who feel destined or chosen.
It's not something I feel which is so characteristic of D types or s types, it's a people thing. People look around themselves, and what do they see? They see both the positive and the negative, they experience both the positive and the negative, in themselves, in their own lives, and they see this in others. If only things could be different, if only things could be better, if just maybe... Human nature I guess.
This is something personal to me, it bothers me constantly.. I'm Stella, transgendered, female, artistic, creative, highly developed spiritually, an intuitive empath, I don't fit in and couldn't even if I tried, and so I very much live out of the box, out there on the fringes of life, of society, I'm fortunate to have some degree of talents, awareness and knowledge, but much of this has come from years and years of worrying through sleepless nights over whether I am actually insane, gifted, chosen, deluded, a genius, or purely dysfunctional. Who am I? What am I? Why am I me? And what is the solution?
But you know maybe this is also my delusion, because other people no doubt feel the same, have the same thoughts, the same misgivings, the same doubts, I know they do, I'm sure of it, because every morning I look in the mirror and I see myself, a human being, and I look at others around me and what do I see? Human beings.
Therefore I draw the conclusion that I am an example, the only example I can be is one of humanity, nothing more. I pray and I meditate daily, committed to this notion that I have had since the age of 17 that I am a Buddhist. In everything I do, I walk the walk, talk the talk, I stare at bodies of water, I stare at clouds, saw a cloud the other day over Central London which reminded me of my soul when I was a child, wispy round the edges, deformed, out of shape, and hurting.. but then again, how can a cloud be deformed? What is the ideal formation for a cloud? Can anyone tell me?
But you know I have to live too, I am part of society, the sharp end (as I perceive it), but I know that I am imperfect in my humanity as everyone else and so I live, and I live among those who are also aware of the imperfections of themselves, of living and of society, and everything goes together to make a life.
I know from my own existence and 42 years of living on this planet that I have issues, emotional baggage, weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and whether I like it or not these things come out, they are visible, they are apparent, but these are things I am working on. Nobody else can fix me but me, and though you think you might know and understand your perspective is always going to be different from mine.
This to me cuts both ways, my clear grey eyes and soft benevolent gaze can look straight into your eyes and into your soul, and I can see what you know, what you feel, even sometimes what you think, and I see such things as fear, insecurity, vulnerability, issues, emotional baggage, but I am not you, and I can only try in some way to understand, to empathize, to use my imagination, draw on my own experience of similar experiences to see what you see, feel what you feel, but my feeling and my thinking will always differ from your's.
I have come across one or two people in my life who will tell you and claim that I am 'gifted', that I have healing powers, and if anyone here ever comes across such a person, please, at my request, do not believe them. It's not true. It is probably someone who was suffering from a headache, and so I placed my hands upon their head, talked to them softly, soothed them, helped them achieve a calmer state of mind, and the headache disappeared.
This is very simple knowledge, mind over matter. If you can control your mind and discipline your mind, then you will have full control of your body. A major cause of many minor ailments is stress, and such conditions which are stress-induced are also psychosomatic therefore it isn't me who is doing the healing, it is your belief that I am healing you, but the truth is you are healing yourself.
So why then am I 60lbs or so overweight? I am human, and therefore imperfect, and go back and read above, I have issues, emotional baggage and other crap I am dealing with about myself, and this takes time to work out. But you know all this healing and solving issues will only lead to other issues and emotional baggage, and this will continue until I die.
You see perfectionism, like death, is just like the horizon, it's there, you can see it, but as much as you try, and no matter how much you try or what you do you will never ever reach a place where you will be able to reach out that touch that horizon and hold it in your hands. It will always remain an illusion.
And so it is with fixing people. Until you become that other person, and you can live inside them, and be them, you will never be able to fix them. All you can do is fix yourself, make a note of all the successes and all the failures, all the experiences and learn from them so that you may be able to one day share those experiences with someone else so that they may see something or try something they have maybe never thought of or tried.
And though we may seek to deny it, conceal it, hide it, all of our issues, our weaknesses, our baggage, our fears, they all come out, and they come out through our own personal self-expression, through the things we think, through the words we say and write, through the ways we project ourselves, behave, conduct ourselves, it all comes out, it is all visible, and there for others to see. But it is our weaknesses, our vulnerability, our issues and our baggage which together stand as hard evidence that we are human, and we are very much alive.
Is this such a bad thing to have on display? Is it not the case that it is our weaknesses, our issues and our baggage which provide us with opportunities to reach out to others, to share, to interact, and to give and receive acts of kindness, of understanding, of compassion, of acceptance, of friendship and of love? Do we not desire these things for our own emotional wellbeing, fulfillment, happiness, to remind us that we are human and very much alive?
This is why I do not require fixing, from anyone, nor will I ever attempt to fix anyone else. I don't need to. I have yet to come across a person who I find unacceptable as a human being. I have yet to come across a person who honestly doesn't need or accept acceptance, understanding, kindness, compassion, friendship or love and who is resistant to such things.
This to me is what life is all about, acceptance, understanding, learning, kindness, compassion, friendship, and love. Life is about truth and beauty.
The horizon is there to tell me where I am and which direction I need to be going in. Perfection is an illusion which serves the same purpose for me in my life.
Edited to remove and check insecurities about my thinking.
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