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How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:22:48 PM   
foxima


Posts: 9
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		I am in a long term relationship of a couple of years. My partner is dominant in everyday life, but I feel like I need for him to push my limits more in the bedroom. I have no experience with BDSM, I just know that I want more control on his part. Not so much into toys or bondage at this time. To begin with, I'd just like more assertiveness, holding me by my neck, dirty talk, spanking, and *taking* sex rather than asking for it (he seems to be doing this more as of late, though :D), perhaps sex in what may be a public place, etc.

How do I encourage him to be more dominant in bed? At this time I doubt that he could/would go far enough to even start pushing my limits, but as we haven't gone that far to begin with I can't speak from experience and don't know for sure! I know I enjoy a bit of pain and I love feeling like I have no control over a situation. I've suggested getting a safe word before to suggest to him that I'm welcome to doing more 'risque' things in the bedroom, but he said there wouldn't be any need for it anyway :(. I try to encourage him whenever he does something like I've described during sex (example: saying "I love it when you hold me down by the neck like that" after he did this during sex and communicating that I'm enjoying it while he's doing it during the act as well). I feel like I just need more. As to why - I'm not sure. I think that him being completely in control makes me feel 'safe' and completely *his* somehow.

I just don't understand how a man who can be so dominant out of the bedroom doesn't want to take advantage of being able to be dominant *in* the bedroom. I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he does not want to, but is there a way to kind of *encourage* him to take more control without pushing him into doing anything he may not enjoy? He's such a dominant person in regular life.

Thanks :)

< Message edited by foxima -- 12/6/2008 11:23:29 PM >
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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:28:41 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
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Status: offline 		I'd try communication.  Copy and paste this post to his email, and say "I thought I'd ask strangers, but then I realized I should just be open and honest with you, so here it is".  If he can't handle it, good, at least you found that out.

Secondly, I'd suggest that you can't change someone.  If he's not into it, he's not.


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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:32:31 PM   
foxima


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Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		NormalOutside, thanks a lot for your reply.

I've actually tried speaking to him about it. He really seemed to be open to the idea when speaking about it, but then nothing came of it! This happened several times.

You're right, you can't change someone and I definitely don't want to push this on him. If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't and I won't try to 'force' him into anything. It's just unfortunate that I may never get to experience this with him.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:42:30 PM   
NormalOutside


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Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		Yes, that would be unfortunate.  Obviously you really want it, or you wouldn't have gone hunting online, signed up for a forum, and asked.  So, I wish I could tell you something you didn't already know.

You're vocal during and about sex, that is already a great move in the right direction.  Any submissive, or person for that matter, who will give clues about what they crave during playtime is on the right track to getting it. 

Could you buy a flogger or paddle and ask him to test it out on your backside?  Personally, I wouldn't be offended if my girl(s) did that :p


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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:54:35 PM   
foxima


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Status: offline 		What a great idea, I can't believe I haven't thought about this before. I've asked him to spank me and he said he would, but it never happened! Maybe actually getting a paddle and giving it to him would be a stronger 'hint'.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/6/2008 11:59:00 PM   
NormalOutside


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Status: offline 		That kinda thing is "safe" for someone who isn't sure how into it they are, because it's "just a toy" (unless they're willing to admit they're actually into it, in which case you may get a sore tush!)  At least you'll find out if he's willing to inflict a bit of pain.

If you hear the words "but I don't want to hurt you", I'm sorry.  :(


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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:05:35 AM   
foxima


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Status: offline 		I don't think I'd mind a sore tush.
I'll definitely try this idea at the first opportunity :)

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:09:22 AM   
SirMIkeSD


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From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		He may not be a BDSM type Dom, you have talked to him several times and he has not moved forward. Not to sound harsh but talk to talk about allowing you to play else where or move on. You can not make someone something they are not.

Mike

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:16:39 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Status: offline 		You can't imagine why someone puts out so much energy most of the time in most of his daily life to be seen actively as dominant but doesn't want to put even more time and energy into making you happy when he's supposedly getting his relaxed/down time?

Perhaps try and see it from the perspective of the one who's having to do all the work, and not the one who's an eager puppy.  Your feelings are valid and you should work together to find a good meld, but don't just say you don't understand- work to understand where he's coming from.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:17:14 AM   
slavejali


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Status: offline 		Or he might just be hestitant cuz he's never done anything like that before. Good, hot, kinky sex takes education. Education can come from exposure: reading books, watching movies, interacting with others, discussions and exploration between the both of you etc etc.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:27:23 AM   
agirl


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Status: offline 		Perhaps he IS being his usual dominant self in bed............ and getting what HE wants in the way he wants it.

You say you want him to take control more but if he's doing things the way he wants, isn't that exactly what he is doing?

quote:



I just don't understand how a man who can be so dominant out of the bedroom doesn't want to take advantage of being able to be dominant *in* the bedroom.



Being 'dominant' isn't necessarily him doing the 'assertive' things you'd like, when and where you'd like them.

You're looking for things 'you' would like in bed; I'd try not to link it with dominance but maybe in the realms of  'things that I'd like to have a go at'.

agirl











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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:31:16 AM   
foxima


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Status: offline 		SirMIkeSD, I'm afraid what you're saying is very likely. I have no interest in a non-exclusive relationship and right now I'm happy to be with him even if he is not into the same things I am sexually. I'll just have to judge whether it would be best for me to find a more sexually controlling partner as we go :).

Lucky, I never asked him to be dominant in everyday life. He didn't suddenly start to be dominant when we started dating. I know his best friends and some of his ex girlfriends and he refuses to submit to anyone. I wouldn't say he does all the work, to be honest. Yes, he does *a lot* - we both do. I wake up in the middle of the night to get him whatever it is he's asking for this time and I love taking care of him, but that's work as well. The relationship definitely is not one-sided. I see what you're saying, though, and you're right. I need to learn to see things from his point of view as well.

Slavejali, I definitely want to encourage him to watch more kinky porn with me and explore more with me. In the end, I think I'll let him know flat out that I am open and willing for him to take more control, but will not nag him about it, just as I haven't been nagging him previously.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:32:44 AM   
foxima


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Status: offline 		agirl, you're right; maybe it would be best for me to think of it as more physically controlling and assertive rather than dominant :)

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 12:36:19 AM   
NormalOutside


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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
Perhaps he IS being his usual dominant self in bed............ and getting what HE wants in the way he wants it.

You say you want him to take control more but if he's doing things the way he wants, isn't that exactly what he is doing?


I agree with agirl, too.  Sometimes I just want to get off, and get off the way I want to.  If my submissive wants it another way, who gets their wish?  I'm thinkin' me.  :p


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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 7:26:23 AM   
Hissweetshiv


Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		If you need to ease a mostly nilla partner into the lifestyle, first of all i do recommend open communication to avoid more heartache later. There is a wonderful book called "Erotic Surrender" by Claudia Varrin that discusses exactly that - how to ease a partner in without scaring them away lol.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 7:49:37 AM   
foxima


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Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks a lot, Hissweetshiv, I'll definitely look into the book!
I spoke to him about BDSM today- about joining this forum and showing him some clips (one of them from the Humor section, the funny one from Californication :P).
The sex was rougher than usual tonight, which was a bit scary and great at the same time! He's way too big for me in that department as it is so when he goes really deep it's quite painful.
We were cuddling after sex tonight and I said "You know you can do pretty much anything you want to me during sex, right?"
He just said "I know"

I won't hide my interest in BDSM from him and from tonight's conversation about the topic I'm certain he knows I hold at least somewhat of an interest in it, but I won't push him into anything. I'm still very curious about that book, though, for curiosity's sake and will try my best to get my hands on it!

< Message edited by foxima -- 12/7/2008 7:50:29 AM >

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 7:54:56 AM   
Hissweetshiv


Posts: 200
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Status: offline 		Yay! You're welcome  i wasn't even sure you were still reading the thread lol - didn't check posting dates.
One thing though, foxima. If you know this Man inside and out and know your tastes match and He would never do anything to hurt you, more power to you and congratulations. Short of that situation though, please please for your safety be careful telling a man he can do "anything" to you. There are some extreme players out there, and some who shouldn't be walking the streets, just like in nilla relationships. It's a very good idea to have your personal limits firmly in mind, and don't be afraid to tell Him (whether it be this Him or another) exactly what they are.
That being said, good luck and have fun corrupting your b/f, lol

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 8:26:53 AM   
foxima


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Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		You're totally right and the only reason I said 'pretty much anything' to him was that I know he is *extremely* unlikely to go anywhere near my limits (or at least what I think my limits are at this time; because I don't have much experience at all they could very well change). If I do notice him getting a more 'out there', I won't hesitate to suggest a safe word.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/7/2008 9:16:52 AM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		Get naked, lay across his knee and ask him to spank you. Be vocal about how much you like it. Squirm around, when he stops after a bit and decides he would rather have sex, be all over him. Then a couple of days later, tell him how much you can't stop thinking about it and would he please do it again real soon. Do this while rubbing up against him. The time after that, ask him if he could do it harder.  Be vocal, be appreciative, ask for a repeat, etc etc.

Get a simple thing of furry cuffs and blindfold, ask him to tie you up and drive you crazy. Beg to suck his cock. Basically connect in his mind that the more he takes control, the greater your sexual response is.

It takes about six months for a guy to get over that "it is wrong to hit girls even when they want it" thing, so be patient. You might also give him links to read, books, and a couple of low intensity porn sites. You don't want to scare him off by seeing someone sobbing in agony with needles through them.

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RE: How to encourage him to take control? - 12/8/2008 4:39:26 AM   
foxima


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Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		Great advice, DesFIP. I've openly asked him to spank me before and he is no longer hesitant in doing so in a non-sexual setting. And I definitely beg to suck his cock - he treats this as a favor to me now, I'm only allowed to do this when I've been good.

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