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How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 5:05:20 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I know when I first started out, I had very defined parameters and selection criteria along with what some call the squeamish factor about certain 'fetishes' and a morbid curiosity about others--today, I see some flips in those thoughts---the defined parameters did not change and infact got tighter ( or maybe I became better able to articulate them) some of the ick factor flipped and some of the morbid fascination moved right into the "oh hell no" category.
 
How has time and experience changed your view/practice of WIITWD?

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 6:34:21 AM   
MsFlutter


Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici
How has time and experience changed your view/practice of WIITWD?


THEN: just the thought of CBT just blew my mind. ' It's not nice to hurt the boyz !!!'
NOW: I browse through stores keeping an eye out for pervertables.
 
THEN: anal/medical play ...oh ew
NOW: I order surgical gloves by the box from drugstore.com
 
I want to live in a world where the entire kinkster community is out and the vanillas have to hide the fact they are vanilla (although really - would we care if they were?)   Was I the only one that liked the symbolism of the movie "Pleasantville"?






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"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to CatdeMedici)
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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:16:47 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Wow, that's a great question.  Unfortunately, my answer couldn't ever sufficiently explain all the meaningful ways in which I've changed my view/practice of BDSM, but here's a few:
 
1.  I once believed in many of the commonly repeated absolutes about BDSM, until I learned that they weren't realistic.
 
2.  I once believed in many of the commonly repeated overly-romanticized characteristics of BDSM, until I learned that I believed them because they appealed to me, not because they were true. 
 
3.  I once believed in rigid definitions for BDSM terms, until exprience taught me that people define themselves, and BDSM, based upon their individual perspectives/experiences/feelings/etc.
 
4.  I once believed that there was something special about Leather folks, until I learned (often the hard way) that as a group, they're no different than society as a whole. 
 
5.  I once believed that there was some "common spirit" that Leather folk all shared, until I learned that having a common interest in kink or relationship dynamics isn't sufficient (in and of itself) to share a bond of friendship, much less a "common spirit".
 
6.  I once believed in a lot of the fanciful creative histories and traditions associated with BDSM because they sounded plausible, until I ran into someone who actually knew what they were talking about and set out to inform myself.
 
7.  I once believed that I should act "differently" as a Dominant, until I realized that I was simply acting the way I thought others would expect of me rather than just being myself. 
 
8.  I've learned that "because that's what I enjoy" is all the reason I need.
 
9.  For a time after I found the internet (I was a late comer to the 20th century) I believed many of the frequent stories of rape, murder and mayhem that seemed to occur on a daily basis, until I realized that it didn't jive with what I knew real time or what was (or wasn't, as the case may be) being reported in the newspapers and on television.
 
10.  I once believed that all I needed was a partner interested in BDSM, and everything would be great.  Until I learned that it wasn't.
 
11.  I once believed that I could "mold" my partner into whatever I wanted of her, until I learned that I couldn't.
 
In general, I once believed many of the things that I now take issue with when expressed by others.  Not because I'm superior, but because I've been there.  I've made the same mistakes.  I believe most of us have.
 
John

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"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:25:27 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've become even more pickier about who I am with and with what I do. I have more limits now than what I used to have and I have found I've become less and less interested in a lot of things.

It used to be I'd do and/or try just about anything, I'd play with all kinds of people casually, etc..but now it just no longer interests me. I've become much more conservative these days.

I'm not as "open-minded" as I used to be.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:26:09 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		My criteria for what I'm looking for has increased over these many years but my value of objects and items has decreased. I've become far more interested in the loyalty that is possible in DS than the play in BD or SM.

I'm less tolerant of folks who are "pretending" to do BDSM when it's really about sex but I've become wise enough to just ignore those folks because they are never going away and to offer mentorship or training if I'm approached and they prove their seriousness.

Part of all this is just my "growing up" -- the youthful thrills of newness about BDSM have worn off to be replaced by knowledge and practicality.

Part of it is having a kinky household to manage and protect.

Part of it is other facets of my life developing and needing my attention.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:33:54 AM   
SummerWind


Posts: 314
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline 		"Playing" with someone for the sake of playing has no value to me now. 

The "fix" I need is now a person not an activity.



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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:41:41 AM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline 		I've gotten rid of that pesky "hope" crap that always seems to mark the n00bs 

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-and the few still remember passion over rage-

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 7:48:08 AM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SummerWind

"Playing" with someone for the sake of playing has no value to me now. 

The "fix" I need is now a person not an activity.



Agreed.  For me there HAS to be some emotional connection.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 8:07:57 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		I always considered myself to be far more a sub and said I would never ever be able to go so deep into obedience for being able for the slave lifestyle...somehow...that changed and by now I am far more interested in serving from the slave side then from the sub side...so due to certain contacts I have had and some of them I still have my level of obedience significantly increased... 

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 8:38:42 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

I've gotten rid of that pesky "hope" crap that always seems to mark the n00bs 


Really?  Can you share the secret?  I get fucked by hopefulness time after time.

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 8:39:00 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		time and experience has shown me two things...

i can get what i want and what i need from one person...

and that i'm not too used up or calloused to be able to still feel/be/look at things, with the 'wide-eyed-wonder' of a child.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 8:44:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Certainly time and experience will change things. I probably have more hard limits now because there have been things we've tried that really have a negative response. Since we don't want that kind of a response, we don't do it anymore.

Other stuff? Well it still doesn't have any appeal to us, so why bother to try it? Beyond that, I never had a morbid fascination. I just like getting tied up and having sex, it just makes it better. Sort of like apple pie is better with vanilla ice cream, I like either one alone but they're better together.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 8:55:39 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I now have hard limits. When i started i knew so little that i didn't have limits because i didn't know what was out there.
I now know that  people into bdsm are much more diverse than i anticipated.
I now know that i was extremely lucky in finding my Sir right off the get-go. He matches me to the tee.

I now know how much i don't know, or haven't experienced in the bdsm lifestyle (yeah, i know there isn't such a thing, just a group of people who have related interested - but for the sake of simplicity ... ). I guess that makes me wiser!

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 9:26:26 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		For years I dabbled in kinky foreplay that amounted to little more than bondage, gags and blindfolds with whatever willing partner wandered onto my radar. Then I met someone who was into bdsm in her own right and I thought I had it made. I didn't. If you find a partner into bdsm but the two of you are not on the same page it still doesn't work. I was much more fulfilled and happy when I was dabbling in kinky foreplay. I learned quite a bit but I wasn't happy.

I met someone who takes her submission very seriously and that gave me the space to... well, be dominant. Once I had that blank canvas to work with ideas and desires I never knew existed within me flourished. I think the biggest change that took place was when I realized that by simply doing what I want to do simply because I want to do it I empower her to find her own fulfillment within her submission. I spent many years tiptoeing around the wants and needs and likes of my previous partner and it just didn't work.

Unlike a lot of folks into all of this I do believe in a few absolutes. I realize that we all march to our own drummer and labeling things as 'right' or 'wrong' isn't very productive but I don't write off those absolutes as unrealistic just because the majority of bdsm types don't march to that cadence.

I would love to see the look on the faces of a few of those early "willing partners" if they could see me now. Heh.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 9:38:25 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Most of the changes that have happened are that I now enjoy a lot of the SM activities that I never wanted to even try.  Some of the ones that I thought, no way would I ever do that are now some of the things I crave to have done to me.

The most profound change for me is in regards to the concept of not having a choice but to submit.  When I first entered into the relationship I have now, I could not comprehend that not having a choice could be a positive aspect of the relationship.  Part of it was because of old issues from past relationships; I had to have the ability to walk away for it to be healthy.  I fought against losing the power to walk away and that caused conflicts in our relationship.  My reaction was out of fear that I would not be able to leave if the relationship became unhealthy for me. 

What I realized was that not having a choice, was really not having a choice other than to be who I am in this moment.  In being who I am, I will submit to his will.  I am in a relationship that allows and really demands that I be exactly who I am.  There isn't really any other choice than to comply with that.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 10:00:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		What an excellent question!  I have to admit, many of the things on My list, John already covered, though because he and I are in different situations, I would probably have to disagree with number eight on his list.  His number ten would be right on target in My case.  Tammyjo's comment about the tolerance level for those more interested in the sex than the BDSM would match Me pretty much as well.

There are only a few things in My "oh hell no" category.  I'd say they are very similar to those that most people would find on their hard limit list.  I realize one should never say never, but I'm pretty sure those aren't changing.

The things that did change?  For one, the sadism.  I wasn't at all into the S/m factor when I started out.  My first love in this was protocol and ritual and service.  The sadism was something I grew into as time went on.  Where once I couldn't care less if I was ever involved in any kind of play, I'd be hard pressed if I were to give it up now.

The second would be poly.  When I started, I had no intention of being so, or maybe I was and just didn't realize it.  Now, it's hard for Me to even imagine not having both of the males in My life.  I'm a lucky woman in that regard.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 10:57:35 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I'm getting more confident, in myself, in what I can do.

I... I guess I don't really know.

I'm more relaxed now, getting used to the idea that I don't have to prove anything.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 2:03:25 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SummerWind
"Playing" with someone for the sake of playing has no value to me now. 
The "fix" I need is now a person not an activity.


Boy do I agree with this one. At first, in my teens, it was a way to exert power and to impress the ladies. I went through stages:
Playing with a lady for my own power trip and to show what I could do to her and make her enjoy it.
Married the first time and I got so formal and rigid, it fell apart.
Starting showing others the joys, but insulating my feelings as a "twue" Dom would.
Public shows .. I was a damn showoff.
Giving as much of myself as I took from them .... satisfying, but relation was doomed by separate paths we trod.
Now, having learned and grown, when I probably have more to give than ever before, life has dealt me cards that will probably keep me from experiencing the depth of feelings I once felt and the maturity to keep it and cherish it.
Life is ironic.

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I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 2:06:01 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

I've gotten rid of that pesky "hope" crap that always seems to mark the n00bs 


I'm with you there... Since I gave up hope I feel much better.
 
Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: How has time and experience changed you? - 12/7/2008 2:16:47 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Has not changed me one bit. I was a bitch then, I am a bitch now

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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