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MadRabbit -> Being a Good Communicator (12/10/2008 12:33:02 PM)
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In the public scene or on message boards like these, when the question is asked "What is the most important part of an M/S or D/S relationship?", the answer 8 times out of 10 will probably be "Communication, communication, communication!" Good communication is the secret to making a M/S or D/S relationship work! It's all about communication!
However, unfortunately, 10 out of 10 times when this statement of fact is made, nobody really goes on to explain or describe what exactly "Good communication" is. Apparently, there is the thing out there called "communication" that can either be good or bad that is central to our relationships, but nobody can really pontificate on what that "good communication" is beyond the fact that we all are apparently supposed to have it.
So in response to this commonly unexplored topic, I am posing the following questions.
- What is good communication?
- How does one be a good communicator?
- What is your communication style?
Now having presented such questions, I feel that it's only fair that I attempt to present my own answers. So allow me to bring you....*drum roll*...."The Guide to the MadRabbit Communication Style". (Please take notes. There will be a pop quiz at the end of the thread.)
My own communication style has been specifically designed for the purposes of being a leader, getting people to listen to me, and motivating them to do what I want. Sometimes I am very successful at it, particularly when dealing with people with submissive personalities, and other times....not so much. I've had girls following my every word, wanting to do anything I've said and....I've had people tell me to fuck off, stop bossing them around, and talking down to them.
The point is how you talk to someone is very much dependent on the individual and your tactics have to change based on thier personality. This, unfortanely, can only be learned via developing your empathy and intuition via hard knocks.
However, there is a quite a few general guidelines I have learned that I have found to work effectively across the board, more or less. These are things I have put together and learned from attending a communication seminar, reading leadership and communication books, finding extraordinary leaders in the work place and public scene and watching how they handle people, and my own hard knocks from being a leader in different contexts.
As always, I am not writing this as guru of communication or as someone who practices or exemplifies all these principles in every single situation. My posting history here is more than enough proof of that.
Be positive. When your having to talk about negative points, be constructive. People are not going to listen to you and do what you want if they don't believe that your working "for" them and not "against" them. Be empathetic and be mindful of their egos and offending them. Lighten things up and soften the blow when being critical. The goal is for them to leave the conversation feeling good and motivated with knowledge of areas they need to improve on, not down, worthless, and feeling like all there is is negativity.
Don't be aggressive. With that said, there is certain times when a little bit of aggression can prove useful in getting the severity of the point across, particularly in a power based relationship, but as a general rule, avoid it. Don't make threats. Don't make ultimatums. Don't raise your voice. Avoid body language like pointing a finger and waving your hands around. Be mindful of their personal space and not getting to close. If you start to feel yourself getting intense, step away. When people feel they are being threatened or backed into a corner, it activates their flight or fight response. At some point, they will either cower away and shut down or return the aggression. When that happens, most of the time, nothing productive will result beyond a shouting match or somebody too scared to speak.
Don't be passive. Don't be timid. Don't be meek. Don't show fear of offending them. Don't be afraid to talk. People are only going to listen to you, follow you, and take you seriously if your showing confidence and self assurance.
Don't be passive aggressive. Making passive aggressive comments is not constructive. It's usually an outlet for resentment or stress. It's a way to make little digs at a person and to vent while avoiding confrontation. It most likely will result in the person getting their back up and perceiving you as being hostile at which point any productive result of the communication will be lost. On top of that, IT'S ANNOYING. I know this for fact, because, as my posts will show, I am the king of passive aggressive and do it purposefully to annoy people. Petty? Yes. Am I okay with that and proud of it? Not at all and it's something I am trying hard to resist and improve on.
Be assertive. Assertive is that harmonious middle ground between aggressive and passive. It's demonstrating confidence and self assurance without being perceived as threatening or overbearing. Identify problems. Present solutions. Don't just say "I don't know". Come up with suggestions. Ask them what they think. Ask them for suggestions. Your directing and controlling the conversation, but your including them and making them a part of it.
Identify Your Goal. Ask yourself "What am I trying to make this person understand?" and "What is the best way to communicate this point?"
Listen. Listening is far more important than talking when it comes to communication. This is one of things I still am working on. Given that human beings are self centered by nature and tend to focus on "Me, Me, Me", the most common behavior we do when another person is talking is spending the time not listening to them, but thinking about what we are going to say next. This is the number one biggest road block to effective communication because if someone doesn't feel like you are listening to them, they aren't going to listen to you. Stop this behavior. Focus on what they are saying. Think about it. Process it. Focus on what they are saying and not how they say it. Ask for clarification. Be mindful that you might take something the wrong way. Explain that to them and ask them if that's what they meant by it.
Provide Them with Validation That You Are Listening and That You Care About Their Opinion. After explaining something, say "Does that make sense to you?" or "Do you understand that?". After giving your opinion or providing direction, say "Does that sound good to you?", "What do you think about that?", or "Do you think we can do that?". After listening to them, repeat back what they said with a "Okay, so if I am understanding you right, this is what you meant..." I am someone who is very non-expressive and I often come off like I am not listening to people, but rather what it actually is is that I am inside my own head, carefully thinking about what they are saying. Because of this, people often feel like they are talking to a brick wall so I have to make a point to be more extroverted and make the above statements.
Focus on "We" instead of "You" or "I" Don't say "You have a problem." Say "We have a problem and here is what we need to do about it." This serves the goal of instilling the feeling that you are working with them and not against them.
Talk to them on the Same Level. This particularly important in positions of authority and one of the reasons I want my girls to call me by my first name and not Master or Sir. If you don't talk to people on a human to human setting and rather from a boss to subordinate setting, they are not going to be able to relate to you or connect with you. If they can't empathetically connect with you, it is less likely they are going to be more motivated to listen to you and do what you want. Make jokes. Don't get offended if they say something that can be perceived as "disrespecting your authority". Make fun of yourself. When you get critical of them, make references to your own past mistakes. If you are trying to confront someone about their inconsistency of being on time, make references to your own problems with being late or getting out of bed in the morning. Avoid taking a position of being superior and take one of "Hey, we're both human and we both make mistakes."
The end result of merging all these guidelines together is (hopefully the following)...
- Successfully communicating points and concepts.
- Both people leaving the conversation understanding what the other person meant without any misconceptions
- Motivating the other person to follow and accomplish your direction
- Leaving them with a feeling that you care about them and that you listen to them.
- Making them comfortable with discussing their issues/problems and being honest with you without fear of backlash.
- Leaving them with a desire to want to talk to you again.
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