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Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:12:28 AM   
gingersnap7789


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I've been involved in the lifestyle for about a year and became deeply involved in a Master/slave relationship that didn't work out and didn't end well either. Because of various circumstances, I asked my former Master not to contact me anymore and I haven't communicated with him in about four or five weeks. He lives in Miami and I live in central Florida. There is a considerable lack of things to do here. I would like to attend the Alter Ego party in Ft. Lauderdale with someone else in a subbie capacity for the evening.

Here's the thing. My former Master asked me to let him know if I were going to be down south, as he would like to avoid seeing me with anyone else. I don't want to see him at all. I think the chances of my running into him are slim to none. I odn't believe that he will be attending this party. It took a lot of will power not to contact him after it ended between us and I dread writing him now.


Help!

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:17:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		He was honest and up front. Send an email that is clipped and short saying "I'm likely going to be at the Alter Ego Party on January 7th"

Eventually of course, if you both stay in the area and are active in the scene, you will cross paths and have to form at least a casual social comfort with eachother. However, with less than two months gone by, it seems reasonable to let eachother know so you can stay out of eachothers way.

Might I caution however that going to a party with an escort in a specific submissive capacity might not be the best idea at this point. Going as just a partygoer to relax for an evening might be a better option.

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:18:45 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Well, you could just go, and hope that you don't run into him? Or you could let him know that you will be attending and hope that you don't run into him?

Since the circumstances and the actual feelings of the breakup are not clear it really falls to what you feel you should do the best. If you are 'afraid' to see him because of something that might happen...then you should plan carefully, but on the other hand, I would not want to run my life by being afraid of running into someone later down the road.

Talk it over with your new partner, see what he/she says, and go from there. I wish you luck :)

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:29:53 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

My former Master asked me to let him know if I were going to be down south, as he would like to avoid seeing me with anyone else. I don't want to see him at all.


You need to make a decision at some point about not allowing him to exert control over your life. I understand not wanting to see him and I understand not wanting any contact, but really, he is controlling you here.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:30:40 AM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		I second LuckyA's advice,
I would also ask you to think about even if you were to ask him not to attend, he will know where you are going to be and may show up just to see you and/or make you feel uncomfortable.
So maybe you need to think of all the pro's and con's, write them down and then decide
if going to this party is worth any possible outcome. There will be many more parties to go to. If you don't want to contact him and you really want to go to this party, upon arriving speak to the people in charge and let them know your circumstances, maybe they will be willing to watch out for you and then if this man shows up they could kindly ask him to leave, as I am sure they do not want any conflict arising at the party.

Good luck and have fun if you decide to go, just do all you can take make yourself safe, emotionally and physically.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:34:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
You need to make a decision at some point about not allowing him to exert control over your life. I understand not wanting to see him and I understand not wanting any contact, but really, he is controlling you here.

I don't see it as controlling at all. He made a request, she agreed to it. Doms have broken hearts too and it would be very rude not to at least give him a heads up that she would be there.

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 9:36:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot
maybe they will be willing to watch out for you and then if this man shows up they could kindly ask him to leave, as I am sure they do not want any conflict arising at the party.

Why should HE have to leave? They had a bad breakup, that doesn't give her rights to where he can and can't go. It would be very wrong of him to show up at the party after she's let him know she will be there (same as it would be wrong of her to show up after he's let her know he will be there). That doesn't make it ok to play games and put OTHER nice hosts in the middle of a break up.

And again, this is only for NOW. After a few months everyone will have to suck it up and start just dealing directly.

(in reply to brightspot)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:03:51 AM   
gingersnap7789


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		No! I'm not suggesting he leave. I'm suggesting he not even come in the first place. Lol.

Seriously, I want to do what's best for everyone. And the party's in a public forum. So no host gets involved.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:06:52 AM   
Rassitter


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline 		Unless there is more to the story, (And if there is, you should probably tell it before asking for advice) I think you should tell him. Just a quick email stating you will be there, and would appreciate it if he was not. That way, you will not bump into each other unexpectedly. You will not have to worry about an awkward moment and will have a much better time.

Do you have any mutual friends, perhaps one of them could pass the message for you.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:14:19 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter

Unless there is more to the story, (And if there is, you should probably tell it before asking for advice) I think you should tell him. Just a quick email stating you will be there, and would appreciate it if he was not.

I'd phrase it differently, if you want to add that part (after all, he has already said himself that he wants the warning so he won't have to see her). Something like "Letting you know so we can avoid the situation" shares the responsibility and gets the message across.
quote:


Do you have any mutual friends, perhaps one of them could pass the message for you.

Ugh middle school much?

(in reply to Rassitter)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:17:22 AM   
Oberonrex


Posts: 164
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline 		The courteous thing would be to send him a short note, stating that you may be there. See how it goes, take it from there.

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:18:50 AM   
Phoenxx


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline 		A quick polite email explaining to him that you will be attending the event in the next couple of weeks may be just the thing. Write it as if you were writing a congressman, polite and formal. If he responds with more then a thank you for letting him know, do not get into an email exchange with him.
Will you be going alone? If so maybe talk to the doorman or one of the organizers to see what you should do if there is a problem.
If he does show up and you’re on your own, be polite and avoid him. Do not allow yourself to be picked up just to show him up, or go back to him if you feel it is the wrong thing to do.
There will, hopefully, come a time when you move on and start new relationships.
One bit of advice, do not spread rumours about what happened. If asked the best policy is to explain that sometimes these things do not work out.
In time you may even be able to be friendly towards each other.
Good luck
Tony


(in reply to gingersnap7789)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:43:47 AM   
Rassitter


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter

Unless there is more to the story, (And if there is, you should probably tell it before asking for advice) I think you should tell him. Just a quick email stating you will be there, and would appreciate it if he was not.

I'd phrase it differently, if you want to add that part (after all, he has already said himself that he wants the warning so he won't have to see her). Something like "Letting you know so we can avoid the situation" shares the responsibility and gets the message across.
quote:


Do you have any mutual friends, perhaps one of them could pass the message for you.

Ugh middle school much?

I agree with you on the first part, yours is better phrased, I was just looking for a way so that it would in no way be missunderstood and taken as a "Hey I will be here if you would like to talk"

As for the middle school comment, it was just a thought, she has not stated why she does not want to see him, only that it took a lot of willpower not to contact him. If she still does not have the willpower, to contact him and let it go, I think she should still do something to get the message out. Myself, I would contact the person, but I have never been a sub trying to avoid a dom either.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:46:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter
but I have never been a sub trying to avoid a dom either.

Thus perpetuating the myth that subs are weak fragile creatures who need super powers to withstand the wicked barely-controlled wrath that is the dom.

We're all adults. Sub or dom or vanilla doesn't change the situation. I've heard this exact situation on vanilla boards.

(in reply to Rassitter)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 10:56:57 AM   
Rassitter


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter
but I have never been a sub trying to avoid a dom either.

Thus perpetuating the myth that subs are weak fragile creatures who need super powers to withstand the wicked barely-controlled wrath that is the dom.

We're all adults. Sub or dom or vanilla doesn't change the situation. I've heard this exact situation on vanilla boards.

*Laughs*
That may be your take, it certainly was not mine. I was merely stating, that I had never been in her situation. so may not be the best to reply. Most subs I have met have been extremely strong willed and as I look about the boards here I see plenty of very strong willed people posting here. I have not called anyone weak, so do not put words in my mouth. I was talking about her specific position.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 11:02:21 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rassitter
I have not called anyone weak, so do not put words in my mouth. I was talking about her specific position.

No you did not call anyone weak. But you did specifically mention her possibly lacking the willpower to do something directly, and then immediately after mentioned YOU would do it directly, and then somehow brought up her being a sub.

This obviously leads one to conclude that you felt there was some relationship between possibly lacking willpower/dealing with things directly and being a sub.

(in reply to Rassitter)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 11:13:41 AM   
gingersnap7789


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, I thought the idea of using a third party was a good one. After all, he said, warn me if you're going to be around. He didn't specify how I should warn him, and it gets me off the hook of having to contact him directly. Thanks!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 11:26:21 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gingersnap7789
Actually, I thought the idea of using a third party was a good one. After all, he said, warn me if you're going to be around. He didn't specify how I should warn him, and it gets me off the hook of having to contact him directly. Thanks!

Good except that it lets you off the hook of a mess that YOU were part of making and involves a perfectly innocent party into the whole darn thing, it lets you hide from being an adult in an adult situation you created.

Be an adult, don't produce more drama. A one line email is all you need. Heck, block the address after you send it.

And yes, getting a middle man is what you do in middle school and bad theater.

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 11:27:33 AM   
Shayna


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline 		This is common in many different situations where there is a particular "community" that has commonalities that bring people together (queer community, religious folks, etc.). I've seen it played out here many times and my feeling is you both have a right to be wherever you want to be, unless there is a restraining order on someone. I agree with LA about the brief note letting him know, but you also might add that you won't be informing him everytime in the future. You both have to be free to live your lives. You'll probably bump into each other; just smile, say hi, move on. Lots of ex-es co-exist in our neck of the woods. It gets easier over time.

Go out - dress up and look hot - have a blast!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Need Advice! - 12/28/2005 11:33:22 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		I personally would just go about my business. If you both run into each other, you could both act like reasonable adults and just go your separate ways.

Fearfully avoiding something means you're still subject to it, from my point of view.

(in reply to gingersnap7789)
Profile   Post #: 20
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